All times are Central Standard Time. As if you care.
5:04 Olivia Wilde starts the night off in Marchesa, with a beautiful dress and horrid hair. Maybe it’s the humidity. You can’t see her shoes in this picture, but they are awesome, like what dragon shoes would look like if they had shoes.
Oh and it’s our favorite, Guiliana Rancic, Ryan Seacrest’s “partner in crime.” In case you were wondering, her dress is Zac Posen, her shoes are Louboutin, and blah blah stop wishing you were famous. In case you were also wondering, the E! Glam Cam is out, with 360 vision, so you will get to see Sofia Vergara’s backside.
5:07 I didn’t even recognize Kaley Cuoco, but she is definitely drunk. She managed to convince us she’s engaged, but then actually no, just to Chopard, who gave her that massive rock on her ring finger.
5:12 Baby bumps are very in this season, says Kelly Osbourne. It’s baby bumps galore! Jessie: Natalie’s prego? What you want Natalie!
5:19 J.Lo Hew is wearing a wedding dress. Perhaps she is trying to remind us that she is a strong, desirable female who also happens to vagazzle.
5:27 Alec Baldwin is freaking out Jayma Mays with his usual hilarity. And then they shake hands! Jenna from Glee looks like Sandra Oh, because they’re both Asian.
5:32 Julianne Hough. Jessie: Is that Sharpay?
5:34 Dianna Agron looks amazing!
Jessie tells us that she was cast the night before they started filming the pilot of Glee. She also says “That dress is not doing her boobs any favors. You’ve got to love the one you’re with.”
5:35 Elizabeth Moss says Keira Knightley “is just like a normal girl.” Ryan Secrest reminds us that she is also “incredibly hot and glamorous.” Thanks. She is wearing Donna Karen, aka, old lady fare. This green will be repeated throughout the night.
5:38 Ricky G! His sunglasses are reflective. Ryan reminds us that we should all be nervous about the show being held live. Hopefully he’ll hold his tongue. Oh wait no, please don’t, it’ll be the only interesting thing to happen.
Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit is presenting with J. Biebz and going to get lots of death threats. Or something.
5:44 KYRA SEDGWICK. You are so hot. If you and Kevin Bacon break up, I will sob real tears.
Piper Perabo: nice ass. Why are you nominated for Covert Affairs, aka the poor man’s Alias? Were they desperate for women? I should write their shortlist for them.
5:46 Julie Bowen is apparently a bitch? And in a feud with Sofia Vergara? She called her a “Cholo Barbie.”
And here’s Jessie Michael Tom Taylor Patrick King Ferguson, as Jessie calls him, aka Mitchell from Modern Family. He is not straight, duh. Eric Stonestraight, as his castmembers call him, is.
5:49 KB: Look at that microphone! It has glitter!
Kate: You are a magpie.
Helena Bonham Carter is wearing two different shoes. Jessie: she can do whatevers he wants
KB: For a second I thought that caption said sup actress, as in, ” ‘Sup, Actress”, but it is an abbreviation for supporting.
5:50 Eva Longoria. TAKE THAT TONY. But she wears too many fishtail dresses.
We now know what Guliana Rancic really looks like: A Praying Mantis.
5:55 Kourtney and Kim! You take New York.
Lea Michele looks like Pepto Bismal, or Jessie’s halloween costume from several years ago.
5:56 Natalie! What what what. What is that rose. I expected more of you. You are showing, but like, what is your deal.
5:59 Remy: There’s going to be a fourth Mission Impossible? This is the worse news. I love how E! streams news on the bottom like they’re CNN.
HEATHER MORRIS! January Jones. So many good looking ladiez.
Naya Rivera too! Jessie: I can see each of asscheeks, and I have never been more pleased.
KB: Did she get a boob job IRL?
6:01 Jake Gyllenhaal and Jason Segel just bro-highfived.
KB loves Carrie Underwood’s because its sparkly and she’s predictable. Sean notes she always wears this dress. Agreed.
6:04 Emma Stone. I didn’t recognize her but she looks awesome. Like she’s wearing neoprene.
Apparently Judd Apatow told her to dye her hair red. Jessie’s afraid it won’t go back.
6:05 KB: Nothing makes me happier than seeing how bad ScarJo looks.
Jessie: Jeez these celebrities move so fast (in reference to her break-up with Ryan Reynolds).
KB: Hi, resident Lauren (in reference to Jessie not knowing anything about popular culture).
Eva Longoria does the breakup thing correctly, ScarJo does not.
Jessie: She looks like she has sex hair, and then went around in a convertible.
6:10 Nicole, I dont believe that you stopped the Botox. She has looked much worse, so she gets judged on a scale.
Sean just confused Keith Urban and Keith Richards. and then Jessie said, “Who are either of them?”
KB didnt know Urban was Austrailian. Everyone here graduated from College, btw.
6:11 The most famous man in the world has just arrived aka J. Biebz.
Sean: Is he gay and dating an Asian man now?
His hair looks a little different. Bieber says, “Well they just put it in my schedule and I showed up.” You know, a typical Sunday night at a major awards show, NBD. Last year I was recording Youtube videos of me in my living room.
Jessie: He always looks pensieve. He is just dealing with the weight of the world.
6:12 Michael “Money Never Sleeps” Douglas. Catherine Zeta is wearing green (Kate: I love Zorro) as is Mila Kunis and like fucking everyone else, but it’s okay, because it’s KB’s favorite color.
KB: I have ten dollars to say that when he goes up there to present, everyone will stand.
Jane Krasinski is pregnant. KB wants to know if there is a Lamaze counselor backstage.
Kate: I hate how pregnant women always hold their stomaches.
Jessie: If I bite the inside of my cheek, I can’t stop touching it. When I am pregnant, I’m not going to stop touching my stomach.
6:15 Julianne Moore. Divisive.
6:16 Jessie: Meester is not a real last name. That’s what a self-involved person calls themself.
Sofia Vergara = boobs galore, with a fake corset. She just plugged Easy Tone Reeboks. Not good. Everyone is disgusted.
6:26 Remy: E! replaced the news with a Twitter feed. This is actually an upgrade.
We recognize Angelina from the back. At least she’s not wearing black? It’s so hard not to irrationally hate her, especially when she always looks like a wax figure.
6:28 The one look I just got of Michelle Williams is no good. Daisies seem to be involved She seems to consistently try to relive her youth with her dress. Perhaps this is a response to years and years of playing a baddd girl on Dawson’s Creek. is trying to look like a small child
Everyone applauds at the presence of Sandra Bullock. I like the bangs, though it is a little “I want to hide from the world.”
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Jessie just thought Robert Downey Jr. was married to Susan Lucci.
6:35 Tina Fey. I’m sticking with my classification of this as very sea anemone esque.
Halle Berry. Always so much skin. KB thinks she “looks like a skank on a stick.” Ew.
6:37 Giuliana Rancic just had the best freakout about Angelina and Brad I have ever seen. If anyone can get me coverage of this, I will pay money for it.
KB has decided she wants to see No Strings Attached at home and not in theaters because then we can drink. I remind her that my mother has already taught me how to do that in theaters.
6:41 J.Lo from above looks like an angel. In a frontal view, her cape looks like something my Nana would wear.
Annette Bening and Warren Beatty have blessed us with their presence, finally.
6:45 Mandy Moore. The top looks awesome, i want the rest.
6:52 Christina Hendricks. Too much poof, probs, but props to red heads wearing red on the red carpet.
Helen Mirren and Tilda Swinton hugging! Get me this GIF.
And onto the real show. We’re left with one last image of Christian Bale with the worst beard and hair combo I’ve ever seen. Oh Christian why! Why would you do that to me.
Images via Getty.