First of all, it’s been days, and Hulu has still not corrected the spelling of Ashley’s name in this title. Poor.
Also, wouldn’t it bum you out to have multiple period’s in your name? Just sort of annoying, that’s all. JP might be better.
And Emily basically confirmed that she broke up with the love of her life Jef with one F when she said something along the lines of, “I’m someone whose fallen in love a couple times and had it not work out a couple times, so looking at them gives me renewed hope.” Oh Emily. Way to make it about you. And sad.
OH. If I had been betting on number of times that Ashley and J(period)P(period) would kiss in the hour and a half special and I had guessed an infinity amount, I would have had an infinity amount of dollars because boy do those kids like to kiss! But as we said during Horah at the end — which was one of several subtle references to J(period)P(period)’s jewish heritage — mazel tov!
Who will Emily end up with?!
BTW it was Jef in the most surprising ending ever. I will admit that I thought Arie had this one. I will also admit that I cried real human tears during the finale.
Oh but then this fashion moment happened this season:
The Bachelorette finale now comes with poor iPhone image quality! Below, three snapshots of an evening:
The whole episode had the makings of a murder mystery, sans the mystery and with only murdered heart(s).
Thank you thank you thank you to Whitney Jefferson at Jezebel (or whatever minion did this screenshot side-by-side) for putting in the work that I could not.
Also known as The Night the Two Josh Grobans Faced Off
Yea, so after the artist formally known as Bentley left, the producers thought, hey, let’s whisk Ashley away to Thailand where she won’t remember anything that has happened to her. Except, just like in SATC2, she does remember, except no one gets diarrhea, thank god. Of course, we barely get to see how the guys get to Thailand; all we see is a peace sign being thrown up by Ryan in the airport.
Ashley is the friend you have that won’t stop talking about her ex, with ex being code for guy she made out with a few times who she never really dated (am I that friend? Do not discuss). And now that we’re in Thailand, her problems have just changed continents, except now we get some token asian music and a lot of rain. Molly says, “Minor chords!” I say, it was obviously cheaper to do this trip during the off season, and there is only so much a nice umbrella can do.
Josh Groban #1, also known as Constantine, gets a one-on-one. He looks different and improved in Thailand. Thai hair, says Molly.
On the Group Date, we discover that Sir William is still alive. We’re pretty sure that there are a few Ashley’s keeping around just to have sex with — Bentley was one, and “I played for the Yankees for a hot second” Nick is another. Also did you know there was a tsunami here recently? Watch the news, guys.
Josh Groban # 2 (Ben F.) gets a one-on-one date after he charms Ashley at an orphanage with his artistic side, which is not code for his penis. She draws an Ashley flower which is not code for her vagina. Nick does nothing but play with a hula hoop on said group date.
On his date, Ben F. says both “I felt like you were kind of buzzing around me” and “Ruh roh.” To which I say, Ben F., you remind me too much of a guy that I date(d) (we’ll keep the mystery alive).
The most important news from this episode is that Molly is now a fan of “Quasimodo” Ames. She says that “this Thai air is doing something to his features.” I think his hair is longer and the humidity makes it curly. Though Ames seems unaware that their lack of making out is not a good sign, Ashley is the one that fouls up this scenario. In my notes, I wrote “Why does she always ask about old ladies?” which I think translates to “Why does she always ask about the ex-girlfriends of these men?” She also references Titanic when on a boat with Ames, which makes me worry she hasn’t actually seen how that movie ends.
Blake the dentist has a few good quotes as well. He claims that sweet, sweet Ryan “swoops in, and it just screams of foul play.” He says that “Constantine is a gamer,” and the whole thing “Chaps my ass.” And finally, about the show: “That’s the nature of this beast — everyone’s going after the same piece of fruit.” He then becomes the whistleblower to Ryan on how no one else likes him, but this only prompts Ryan to say to the camera, “What, you can’t hang with the fact that I’m freakin’ happy a lot? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not grumpy…Think of all our soldiers that are overseas now. Why wouldn’t you be happy here?”
Most importantly, JP and Ashley get a moment on the beach. Molly: They are not touching enough. Bring in the bluetinis! (Note: There was a lot of blue lighting and blue alcohol in this episode). They just go from making out to GET IN MY LOVE SUITE. She also says that Ashley would be a FOOL not to pick him, but obvi she is one, because he’s a sane guy who actually likes her, is hot, and a good kisser.
Ultimately, Wes is sent home, which is really just Ashley sending herself home — she can’t commit to a guy who’s ready to move on, because she has horrible taste in men and isn’t ready for this. Wes’ final speech proves that he’s too deep for this show. Ashley chooses Lucas as her first, a man with whom she has no chemistry, because she doesn’t really want to be doing this and feels like she needs some sort of redemption from Brad’s season. Wise move on the producer side: when she speaks with Chris, he’s very particular when he says potential with Bentley “was in her heart and mind.” Good save Chris. We know the truth. And we’re reminded that this is The Bachelorette and there “are no rules” because Ashley gets to keep another guy. Just more proof she’s not ready to commit to anyone, and you know what Ash — that’s ok. Just admit it.
Ashley is insecure quotes:
I feel like I have a little bit of my heart back, so I’m ready to start giving a little bit of it away.
I don’t just think everyone likes me. I don’t think everyone wants to be with me.
Tell me about your past relationships
I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again.
Bentley is rocking this season as the most tremendously horrible potential Mr. Bachelorette ever to grace the show. So let’s pay homage to this despicable man you’ve probably met in a bar and fill this post with quotes by Bentley. Farewell, great and former love!
In response to Sir William’s “roast”* of Ashley where he joked that she was no Emily or Chantal:
“I can’t believe you said that. I mean, I feel the same way, but I wouldn’t say it out loud.”
In response to Ashley’s tears after said “roast”:
“I hate it when people cry. It’s not attractive at all.”
To Ashley after she was insecure and upset by the “roast”:
“You have everything….There is a feeling here, for sure. We’re totally on the same page.”
Who knows when:
That was fucking close.
After Ashley gives Ryan a rose for consoling her:
“For her to give another guy a rose justifies it for me — I’m checking out.”
“I’ve been saying from the beginning, she’s just not my type.”
To the other men when he chooses to leave the house:
“It’s time bro, it’s time.”
Before telling Ashley he was leaving:
“So I’m going to make Ashley cry. I just hope my hair looks ok.”
Right before he tells Ashley he’s leaving for his daughter:
“I really miss my daughter, but I’m not leaving because of my daughter.”
After he tells the men that he’s leaving for his daughter:
“These freaking idiots believed me.”
While consoling a tearful Ashley about his departure:
“It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying. I was already checked out, you know?”
And after telling Ashley he wants to leave their relationship open-ended:
“She’s definitely someone I’m not totally smitten by, but someone I would totally hook up with now and then.”
The Bentley also managed to bring out stupid stuff in those around him. For instance, when Ashley asked him “Can you trust in this?”, while entwining his hand with hers. Or when he left, and the men around him nodded and said, “You’re a good Dad.”
Additionally, there was a bit of voiceover while he and Ashley were having their tearful, hug-and-kiss filled goodbye that indicated that he thought this would be a good time for some bangalangin. Poor timing sir. Break-up sex should not be televised.
But it was the revelation that it was indeed our favorite Bachelor contestant Michelle Money who tried to warn Ashley about The Bentley before the show started that has convinced our viewing audience that Michelle should really be the Bachelorette next time around. We’re also convinced she would be an excellent guest appearance for this season as a guide to Ashley. And I used to think she was crazy!
Another great scene was when Chris tells Ashley that The Bentley is a jerk in so many words, and that if he really wanted to be here, he would stay. In response to The Bentley’s open-ended “…” comment, Chris said “That’s such a guy thing to say!”, which was not a compliment thankyouverymuch. Chris, if only you would actually TELL ASHLEY WHAT THE BENTLEY IS SAYING IN THE CONFESSIONAL. But then it wouldn’t be tv blah blah blah.
This episode was rectified by an awesome date with JP, where they cuddled and made out in their pajamas in front of a fire with takeout (was there a bearskin rug? I’m going to say there was even though I don’t remember). There we officially find out that JP > Bentley in the kiss department, causing Molly to say that JP’s profession of Construction Management is sexy because he’s “workin’ with his handsssss.”
Final thoughts: There was A LOT of harping on Ashley’s small boobs in an attempt at comedy during the “roast”, which does lead me to believe that the camera adds ten pounds. It also seems to indicate that as much as Masked Man wanted to pretend otherwise, this show is pretty surface level. If after three weeks, you can’t find something else to “roast” Ashley about, you are a) not very creative or b) not really looking.
And as the room for comparison keeps flowing, I’ll say that I’m consistently struck by how this malicious behavior by the men really has no precedent on brother-show The Bachelor. The men on The Bachelorette are constantly interested in winning, while the women on The Bachelor are waiting to be picked. Even when Michelle was crazy for Brad, she did seem to actually like him while she was being evil. Though the “chooser” is always the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the power dynamic is not equal; Brad NEVER would have been hurt the way Ashley has been repeatedly been allowed to be on this season.
Boy do we wish she was live-blogging the way Bethenny does!
And to Blake the Dentist, Molly has one comment: “Get your vest off.”
Tune in next week, where it appears that Ryan is not as sweet and next-Bachelor as we thought.
* I’m going to consistently use quotes around the word roast because not only was it not a very good roast, it wasn’t even close to funny.
I had big plans for my first season of The Bachelorette; I’d create a complicated bracket and gather the best and the brightest to vote (well, MC would do the bracket, as I couldn’t organize one to save my life). A bottle of SkinnyGirl, or perhaps pink champagne would go to the winner.
But as the first episode loomed, it because clear there were just too many options, and some research revealed that a real bracket won’t really be feasible until we get down to a more manageable number, say 8. So in the coming weeks, we’ll start to figure out our Best Bets, No Gos, and Eh candidates until the MADNESS becomes more obvious.
The Highlights (Some come with highlights)
Best subject of an accidental pun
Tim got wasted at the get-together and fell asleep. Ashley sent him home in a van, and was sad for him about this “wasted opportunity,” not even calling out the amazing pun she had just created. Ironically, he is a liquor distributor from Long Beach, so you think he’d be able to hold it together.
I don’t have a fancy name for him; he really is a butcher. But sadly, he’s back to New Jersey, where he can marry a girl who better not be a vegan (that’s not me, he really pondered whether or not the Bachelorette would eat meat with his Dad). I will miss his dramatic entrances and exits, and awesome looks towards the camera.
Too many J. Crews to count; we need more clothing line-related subdivisions
I obviously can’t claim myself a Bachelorette afficionado, but there a few things I’m concerned about this season. One is Bentley, the man whose parents are either rich or wanted to pretend to be. He was called out before the show as being a guy whose just about the fame. But for some reason, his relative good looks have charmed her, because if the excellent editing of the show’s promo tells us anything, he’s going to screw her over. In this episode alone, he told the cameras “Even though I’m not that attracted to [Ashley], I’m overly competitive.” In the promo, he says that he wishes The Bachelorette would have been Emily, and claims things would have been “different” if she had been.
I worry about Ashley’s potential for harm. In the premiere, she says to her 25 men “I hope you guys are happy it was me.” This doesn’t bode well; she doesn’t appear to be the confident woman she’s remade herself as. We also see a conversation between her and Chris where she essentially puts all the blame for her failed relationship with Brad on her own shoulders. This is the type of woman who isn’t ready to settle down, and instead is ready to get hurt by guys like Bentley. And it worries me, not because I know her or know anything, but because from my limited knowledge, this is a dialogue seen much more in seasons of The Bachelorette than The Bachelor. For example, Ali and the debacles that were Justin and Frank in the last season of this show.
This isn’t to say that women don’t go on the show for the same reason, only that there’s some sort of trend with Bachelorette’s being duped, or with the show’s producers wanting us to see them that way. I know it is the job of the editors to provide intrigue, but my viewing partners and I were not left with a particularly uplifting feeling at the end about this season. Though there were a few choice moments:
– Some baby man saying “If you cant take the heat, get out of the oven.” Why are you in an oven…
– A man wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask got the first rose! Perhaps this is a statement that looks don’t matter on what may society’s greatest example that they so, so do? Though when is the jig going to be up? It’s get to the point when Ashley is less intrigued and more creeped out. It’s also likely one of the other contestants will punch him in the face soon, because he never takes off the mask and that’s weird…
– West, from North Carolina, lost his wife of seven years when she died of seizure by drowning in the bathtub, and yes, he was the one who found her. Bentley, good luck, but this guy is Emily’s soul mate.