I love those articles that hit so close to home that they make you incredibly uncomfortable and also make you wish you were less self-aware, but then you feel idiotic for thinking you’re self-aware, because let’s face it, there are probably lots of things that you do to which all your friends are like “Dude, how do you NOT see that this is what you always do?” or “You always do that thing where you think you hit all the points and you do, but by doing that, you don’t, you know?”
Well I’ve gathered a few of said articles to let those of you out there who don’t know me from Adam (how can you know someone from Adam? Where was Eve? Was the Rib not taken out yet? Was this like the five-minute break between when Adam came breathlessly into this world and God was like, let’s get you a ladyyyyy and so cruelly tore Adam’s torso apart, but it’s cool, because then he was going to get. some.?) get to know me from Adam, and if not, then at least from Eve:
Though I am from New York City, and at said point in my life, never plan to live in a place where I have to upgrade my permit to a real live license (much to the chagrin of my mother, a real Californian, as much as she likes to deny it, she will look at me when I’m “too pale” and fight the urge to hand me the lotion with built-in self-tanner, as is her baby-oil childhood instinct),I found this article on DUI’s and living in LA particularly poignant. Though the best thing about cities is the greater opportunity for taking the train while intoxicated at any time of day, I do appreciate a good list about things I can do while drunk that don’t include driving. Some highlights?
“Play Sports: Especially great if you were a high-school athlete that could’ve actually been something if you didn’t discover weed and boys junior year. It will be the most fun you’ve ever had breaking your ankle, guaranteed.”
As someone who blogs, as painful as that can be to admit sometimes, I really am trying to totally get behind this Onion article “Pop Culture Expert Surprisingly Not Ashamed Of Self”:
“Shelham, who spends 10 hours every day consuming news updates on various entertainers and then commenting on their activities on an entertainment website, has reportedly shown no signs of humiliation or self-hatred over the way she spends the bulk of her time, and is also apparently not disgusted by the fact that this is actually what she does with her life.
‘Basically, I like to look at what’s going on in pop culture and comment on it with a sort of fresh, wry voice,’ said Shelham, who by all accounts still possesses the ability to look at herself in the mirror every morning. ‘I try to find things that I think are really lame and vacuous and then just tear them apart.'”
Too real. Especially this part:
“She also composed a scathing, 800-word critique of the upcoming motion picture Burlesque that she suggested, with actual pride, was ‘some of [her] best work.’
‘I’m sorry, but it might be just about time for [Burlesque actress] Cher to go away now,” wrote Shelham, who does not seem to find anything self-degrading in the fact that she earns a living by deriding people she does not, nor will ever, know. ‘I know you’re doing your best to make us forget that we actually found you charming in Moonstruck, but let’s just call it a day already, shall we?'”
Reading this piece several weeks ago did not stop me from writing this piece. Live and learn? Let’s not.
And not to get too existential, but what does it mean when the humor you have based your entire life around can be decoded by a machine? Is that like when you know someone has really learned a language because they get jokes in it? So is my humor no longer funny because a computer gets it? Don’t answer that.
“This is the most important software ever invented. Of course, if a computer using the Semi-Supervised Algorithm for Sarcasm Identification read that last sentence, it would immediately detect the sarcasm.”
Despite the fact that I do not literally blog all night, I do lead a different schedule than most of my peers, one that favors the night hours, when it is literally entirely dark in my apartment while I write this and I am left to only my thoughts, my Google Reader not endlessly ticking articles along that I MUST READ at the fastest pace possible. The night time is actually the only time left for the modern human that hasn’t been entirely overloaded, and I say this in the least bitter way possible. When I press publish on this, I will go to sleep, but I will still be sleeping when you wake up and read it, and thus be saved the horror of taking myself too seriously and preventing myself from being around for the reactions heard ’round the world on said posts. Author Josh Dubroff says of his stint as a nighttime blogger, “More significantly, I increasingly felt like I was part of this rare and special tribe. Working at night by myself when no one was on the Internet made me feel like a solo spaceship pilot, like every post about Sarah Palin or James Franco I churned out was going to ensure we stayed on course. I was careening through quiet forgotten Internet space, a vast calm all around me. And while all my friends were at work during the day—gchatting and fidgeting in their itchy button-downs—I was scarfing hummus and preparing for this noble take-off.”
I honestly haven’t read a more poignant piece in ages (especially the reference to “the classic Katherine Heigl film 27 dresses“). There is something to be said for people who prefer the night, who are good sleepers, and by something to be said, I mean we get the flack. We are considered the unproductive, the weird, the vampires of our society. I don’t know when sleeping until 1:30 in the afternoon became weird, but it was at some point during college, where I became chastised for being able to do a certain amount of work in less time. Is it jealously? No, probably more misunderstanding. But to our friends on the West Coast, we’re not weird, we’re just someone else who is awake while the rest of the nation sleeps.
P.S. To prevent from ending this on too much of a serious/downer, please note that potatoes are great for you, there! I have been proven right. I can now go on an all-potato diet, with maybe the occasional dairy product thrown in and also lose 60 lbs. See you later, haters.