Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

The Never-Before-Seen SAG Awards (2011), Unlive, The Next Afternoon

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Seriously, I have never watched them. But I think they’ve only been televised for a few years, so it is definitely not my fault and we can’t hold it against me. For some reason this year they started off with an excellent rap, but its unclear who is rapping and what about.

7:02 Someone just said shut up at the end of the intro/rap? The audience looks scared. I am confused.

7:06 Betty White is introducing one of the many actor awards. Take a little longer to open that envelope, Betty.

7:09 Mark Ruffalo is literally pulling Annette Bening along.
Jessie: Oh cool, cool award for cast!

I like Cory Monteith’s sexy-face pout and tie clip, which Jessie points out says to us “I dropped out of high school in 9th grade, can you tell?”
Award for “female actor.” Props. And even more props because it goes to Julianna Marguiles! She just kissed Josh Charles, which is a moment I WISH THEY WOULD REPEAT ON THE GOOD WIFE. KB: Look how hot her little husband is.
Julianna is so cutely emotional. She gives a big shoutout to the teamsters, and thanks the DP. Clearly, she understands what’s important: how she gets to work and the lighting. She also uses the term “pristine guidance” and says “I just want to say thank you to my inlaws. Thank you for producing the most spectacular human being.” Afterwards, camera cuts to Hilary Swank, who mouths “That was so sweet!” and we see Kenneth the Page still looking pleased as punch.

7:17 We now interrupt this broadcast for a few choice commercials.
Jessie: T-mobile: Catherine Zeta isn’t doing it for us anymore.
Honda tells us that “only sexy is sexy.”
TNT is pimping Rizzoli and Isles and Angie Harmon out. We’re getting constant updates from her Twitter feed.
Apparently she was the “social media host” of the 2011 SAG awards?

Sofia Vergara is onstage. Dexter just closed his eyes for awhile at her presence. I feel you.
Boardwalk wins best ensemble drama. Blah blah blah.
Did they just say that The Good Wife takes place in NY?
Sofia Vergara just waved during their speech. This woman can’t be tamed.
Paz de la Huerta has now taken it upon herself to interrupt Steve Buscemi and say “Thank you Allen Lewis-h for believing in me…and everyone else.” She is the definition of HOT MESS.

7:24 Writers Guild shout out!
Eric Stonestreet looks nervous.
Man with the Allstate voice talks about actors who do broadcast advertising. This awards show seems more blatantly full of marketing than others, but maybe they’re just not as good as seamlessly weaving it in.

7:29 We just saw another cameraman. Sloppy.
Helena starts to clap for herself and then mouths, “Oh no!” If I was ambivalent before, I’m in love now. Melissa Leo nods to herself as her name is announced as a nominee. Christopher: Yea that’s me.
And it’s Melissa Leo! She’s running. She gets political with SAGs and unions, but it’s cool. I don’t know why I don’t like her…googling it doesn’t turn up anything either.
New badass lawyer drama, Franklin and Bash with 90s stars Breckin Meyer and Zach Morris. It’s not premiering, however, until the summer. TNT “We Know Drama” seems to realize this may be their only opportunity to have people here about this event five months from now.

7:41 Amy Poehler wins best introduction to an award: “And the Best Actor in this category according to some people as of tonight is…”
Christopher: I think HD is in a weird place right now, because before everyone’s acne was showing, but now it’s too washed out.
Jon Hamm makes a weird joke about being a woman but he says “And the funniest actress in this category accordding to Amy Poehler and the teamsters is Betty White.” B. White looks so shocked. Did the announcer just say that this was a “not subtle performance by Betty White”?
Betty “the badass” White says “You didnt applaud when I turned 40.” Stick it there. She then feels up the statue.
Jane Leeves is crying. Perhaps because Hot in Cleveland is not good.
Christopher: I don’t think Colin Firth should wear bowties because he already looks uptight.

7:49 Angie Harmon and LL Cool J are finally here to introduce another ensemble. Her dress is really not fitting with the tenor of this evening, it is noted.
And Modern Family wins, much to Christopher’s chagrin. Julie Bowen and Ed O’Neil make out, so let’s start a rumor that they’re sexting IRL. But more importantly: Phil just got a slap on the butt from his son! Good thing they’re playing those characters close to the vest.

During the “a lot of people died this year speech”, KB says “I must be getting my period because I’m about to cry again. I also just had three bowls of ice cream.”
Whatever KB, Sally Draper looks amazing.

This guy is winning a lifetime achievement award, and I have no idea who he is. Jessie: Is he actually good, or just still alive. Ernie? Curly?
He played a number of animated characters…including one in…All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Apparently, they don’t make ’em like Ernest Borgnine.
KB comes back and says “I was hoping I would miss the speech, but I love his glasses.”
The lifetime achievement award is just the smiling drama mask, but wouldn’t it be funny if it was a sadface?

8:18 I thought Patrick Stewart was dead. Note: it is Pete Postlethwaite that is bald and who I was thinking of. It doesn’t even matter, because of course Al Pacino wins.

KB: It’s all The Social Network boys, this is the best thing ever!
Christopher: Rosario Dawson, stand up! Shoulders back!

And Claire Danes wins for Temple Grandin, which we were told at the Globes we would never have to hear about again, but here it is. KB says “She has a shelf of awards for this part”, and Christopher retorts that “That’s what happens when you play a retard.”
Claire points out that she has worked with all of the women nominated in this category, whether on Temple Grandin or “all my fellow Little Women, Winona, Susan.” Little Women shout out! What a weird coincidence, I’m still reeling. She tells some story about how awesome co-star and fellow nominee Catherine O’Hara calmed her, but O’Hara is mouthing something along the lines of “This story is false.”

8:35 Susan looks amazing. Duh. Once more, for the cheap seats in the back:

Her son looks just like Tim Robbins, who apparently almost ran Christopher’s Dad over in Boston.

And Christian Bale wins, and the real Dickey is in the building, on stage! Is he on crack? Time will tell. Bale (another Little Women alum! This is just getting spooky! Where is Amy? Oh wait, Kirsten Dunst sucks) tells us that “This is really the best, getting it from fellow actors.” Someone remarks that “Getting it from Mark Wahlberg ain’t bad.”

8:40 Christopher: What is up with this set? Is it really weird? It’s like a fairytale. Like Alice and Wonderland.
Jessie: Everytime I see him (Jeff Bridges) I crave a white russian. Seriously. I could have one now.

8:44 Natalie is wearing satin, which was a mistake, as I predicted, because it has wrinkled awkwardly under her baby bump.
Christopher: Hilary Swank is like “Why I am here? My movie was released like, straight-to-dvd.”

8:51 Jessie does a physical reenactment of why she hates George Lopez. The real thing is right here. The bad stuff starts at around 3 minutes, if you can’t stomach the entirety:

Jeff Bridges is turning into a father lion.

8:56 What is up with Donald Sutherland? Why is he here and why does he look like Santa Clause, you can’t even see his face. I will never forgive him for deciding to be in the worse TV show ever that was renewed by ABC Dirty Sexy Money. They chose that over Big Shots!
And the Cast of The King’s Speech wins, upset! There’s like three of them. Helena runs after Geoffrey Rush. He tell us that “it shouldnt be called the SAG award, it should be called uplifting award.” Oh Geoffrey. We also got a glance of his bald head, but I missed it. Helena looks on in awe. Because they’re British, they say, “colonial” family for Australians.

Jessie: Oh that’s it, and it’s over. Not quite yet though! In case you didn’t see it, perhaps the award for most uncomfortable interview should go to these two ladies:

The Emmys: The Unlive Blog

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So it was live for me, but not so much for you, as my rambling really requires at least a little editing before publication…

(8:27) Jane Lynch says, 1) “Though not a Buddhist, they do seem like a very calm people”
2) “Thanks to my Lord and creator Ryan Murphy”
3) “And to my cast. You’re young and you’re wonderful and fresh faced, and when I’m not seething with jealousy I’m so proud of you.”

(8:37) How did they get George Clooney to do this?! i would love Modern Family even more if he was on it consistently. “I gotta get a film,” he acknowledges.

(8:39) Tony Shaloub — Monk. Monk is still on?

(8:46) Mom: Edie Falco seems pissed. Why is she pissed? She just won!
Kate: Maybe it’s all those years on The Sopranos; they’ve weathered her.

I want to know how you get a job as one of those on stage escorts. During the Oscars they’re always famous peoples progeny; here, they just look like upper-class vegas hostesses.

It’d be more fun to watch this if I didnt realize that it was a blatant push for the shows that are coming up. Did they always do this? Was I too young to notice the propoganda?

(8:51) Top Chef wins. Oh Padma go the fuck away. Ditto Gail. Why are you on this show. How did that happen.
Woah but they must put makeup on Padma’s scar during the show because it looks way worse now.

I actually stopped fast-forwarding the commercial so I could watch this preview for “The Farewell Season” of Oprah, which consists of shots of her screaming.

Mariska Hargitay looks good if a little hippy. She is Jayne Mansfield’s daughter I guess. Though I feel like she was always known more for her other assets…

I love it when people go up to accept and there are just randos trying to get a piece of the action by like, grabbing their arm as they run onstage. It looks like someone escaping a giant squid.

(9:04) Aaron Paul has actual drug dealer eyes. I think this role is not so much of a push.

Some guy apparently Tweeted “Nathan Fillion: This dude is straight off the meat rack yo.” AGREED. In a good way. If meat rack means “Hotness Rack.”

(9:12) OMG closeted lesbo from The Good Wife won! Others will remember that her real name is Archie Panjabi. She played the annoying sister in Bend It Like Beckham who was hilar. And Christine Baranski looks so happy for her.

Ann Margaret still has the sexiest voice. John Lithgow still does not.

Ricky Gervais in 4.5 minutes?! I like that they give me goals.

Federer’s Lindor chocolate ad is getting me excited for the U.S. Open.

I dont know who you are Andrew Sullivan, but you are not Billy with Oxyclean.

Old Navy: “Booty reader.” No.

Also, I tried to be healthy and buy froyo Cherry Garcia. Why is it so grainy? This was a mistake.

(9:45) Ricky Gervais is legit all about the delivery. “Mel Gibson. I’m not gonna have a go at him. He’s been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews.”

And then beer! He loves reminding people that it’s live. He always gets such a kick out of it. As do I.

My Mom is loving John Hodgeman’s voiceover.

(9:50) Bucky Gunts just thanked his friend/relative B.J. B.J. Gunts?! Too good to be true. Mom loves this guy because hes a dork like her. Also he won for the Olympics.

(9:52) Love how much this Daily Show dude doesn’t care that he thinks he’s the best.

Boardwalk Empire preview! So excited for Rudd. “When alcohol was outlawed, outlaws became kings!”

Who the hell is Nate Berkus? Apparently he has a new show and I’m being told he’s hot. I guess they’ve got me hooked because I just googled him. OH. He’s from Chicago and is Oprah’s go-to interior design man. Also just found out from googling that Martha Stewart and Bonnie Hunt have been cancelled, hence the need for new daytime.

Like this old man’s gray glasses.
Mom: So many gays.
(She’s sensing a theme today).

(9:59) George must be getting old to be eligible to win the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award.
1) Mom: Why is he winning the humanitarian award?
Kate: He does humanitarian work.
Mom: Oh right he does all this work in Africa! With Kristof!
2) Mom: Why is this woman presenting?
Kate: They used to be on ER together.
Mom: She’s got toned arms.

I still like January Jones’ dress.

I love it when people have to go up to accept their award and air-kiss random people. And when they forget who they were nominated with in their speech. They always remember everyone but like, one loser.

If I were on the Supreme Court I would totally watch this new show Outlaw with Jimmy Smits, which is all about how he quits the Supreme Court. Like, who does that?! It’s awesome how such a super serious career is being totally disrespected in the name of entertainment.

(10:14) KB will love Claire Danes’ outfit.
Update: KB did love Claire Danes’ outfit.

(10:14) I love how my Mom doesn’t know anyone until we get to the like, docu-dramas. And then she goes, “Oh David Straitharn, I always wondered how to spell his name.” That doesn’t mean she likes his speech. “BYE!”

Temple Grandin just stood and waved on her own accord I think. Baller. And she stands again. And they are really applauding for her.

(10:17) Jewel. ‘Cmon. Oh it’s for the dead people. And she wrote this song for her friend who died of cancer? “There’s a hole in my heart, but it’s in the shape of you.” God I hope not. And there’s too much glitter on her face.

(10:29) Claire Danes keeps squeaking. “THANK YOU HBO. LIKE, FOR SERIOUS.” I love her.
My mom is convinced she has a scar on her chest. I’m not. Yea Temple, you go girl, get up again.

I don’t think an Eames chair should be in a Friskies commercial. I think that’s like, design-sacreligious.

(10:34) Anna Pacquin needs to stop looking so weirdly at her husband. And giggling. And let go of him, please. We get it, you’re married.

I’m continuing to love how un-modest Temple is. She’s so into herself. As she should be.

(10:38) Al Pacino, maybe we’re laughing because of your ridic skin and hair color?

Is that Jack Kevorkian?!

Oooh Lawrence Fishburn. Your daughter does porn. And what you’re upset about is that she didn’t change her name. Except she has a great porn name, so I really don’t blame her. I mean, it’s not sexy, but what can you do.

(10:48) Wow Temple just cuts her off this acceptance speech with the longest hug. Way to take over the stage again.

(10:51) TOM SELLECK?! This is too good to be true. He is wearing a cream jacket. Wow. He looks like a cater waiter. But YEA MAD MEN. Obvi.

I’m just going to say it: Thank god 30 Rock didn’t win again.

Summary of the night: Clearly, Temple Grandin won the Emmys.

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