Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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Kate Is Too Busy Being Highbrow At The Theater So It’s Emma’s Turn To (Un)Liveblog The Emmys

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In case you don’t know who I am (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN), I am the editor of this blog’s smarter and stupider younger sister. This is my first unlive blog experience.

(Confession: I was busy with my last meal at home before I returned to school and was aghast to find the DVR acting up, so witty commentary for the first 15 minutes is absent. But let’s be real, what did I really miss.)

Note: I apologize for the excessive caps lock. I don’t know how else to express my excitement.

LET’S BEGIN.

8:15 pm LOUIS C.K!!!!!! I can’t decide whether Louis pretends to be sadder than he is…I want to pretend he’s really enjoying life and living it to the fullest in wake of his divorce, but I’m not totally convinced.

8:20 pm Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara are both nominated. Julie Bowen wins and Sofia tries her best to look supportive…but we all know the real story.

“That’s my Sofia, god bless you.” Maybe the feud is no more? I really can’t keep up.

We all know Julie Bowen is crazy but GOOD GOD HER ARMS. And she has officially said “nipple covers” too much in this speech.

8:30 pm Miss Chanandler Bong is presenting for Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy…He has a new show that’s Community-esque and is pretty funny. Plus it looks like he’s been back on the wagon for awhile (though the picture below is not the best highlighter of that) so four for you, Matthew Perry.

8:32 pm Jimmy Fallon and Kathy Bates presenting for Comedy Direction. Realtalk, Lena Dunham is grating on my nerves lately and I really don’t want to get on the Girls hate train so I think I’ll just stop following her on Twitter and pretend I’m still in awe.

BlahBlah from Modern Family wins Best Direction, to no one’s surprise. More like Middle-Aged White Male Director of Accessible Middle Brow Comedy Series, AMIRIGHT?

8:35 pm Modern Family spot pretending the newest Lily actress, Aubrey, is a sadistic four-year old is actually pretty funny. ESPECIALLY CAUSE KEN JEONG MAKES AN APPEARANCE and that’s just gold.

8:37 pm Man, everyone really seems to be laying on the bronzer lately. I.E. Jimmy Fallon and everyone else who shouldn’t be wearing bronzer.

8:37 pm Mindy Kaling and Melissa McCarthy, both funny women, are talking about funny men! P.S. Just got a glimpse of Mayim  Bialik behind Jim Parsons and DAMN, “aspiring modern orthodox” cleans up good.

I would be happy with any of these nominees winning. Except  Jon Cryer….DAMNIT. WHY. Two and a Half Men is the least funny show on television, as 99% of the population knows.

Jon Cryer is either in real-shock or fake-shock. Either way, it’s 1/3 endearing, 2/3 wildly irritating. Also, just thanked his wife.

According to the Emmy announcer, you can tweet at the winners on Twitter with #EmmyCongrats. Because the big shiny trophy and applause of thousands of people really isn’t enough for these folks.

8:44 pm Colbert time, presenting for Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. “We should not be having a war on women…we should be celebrating women.” Sincerity 4DaWin! Amy Poehler looks beautiful and I DON’T KNOW WHO I WANT TO WIN.

Julia Louis Dreyfus!!! Veep is incredible, I don’t care what anyone says, so four for you, Julia.

Julia starts to read a speech written by Amy Poehler…SHE AND AMY PROCEED TO SWITCH SPEECHES. Comedic gold, dead serious. Second year that Amy Poehler has been at the forefront of an Emmy gag, and here’s hoping it continues.

8:49 pm 2012  “YEAR IN REALITY” MONTAGE. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, EVERYBODY.

8:50 pm The Beek is presenting with Damon Waynes, Jr. The latter being the high point of ABC comedy series, Happy Endings.

The Amazing Race wins for Outstanding Reality Series. I’ll be real with you, the only episode I’ve seen of this show has been the one where a woman slingshots a watermelon into her own head accidentally, so I figure I hit it at it’s highest point. (P.S. The comments of that last linked video include the likes of “thats the second biggest load she took to the face…” People just continue to keep it classy.)

8:57 pm The Big Bang Theory spot makes me sad. Remember when this show used to be funny? Sheldon is in a CPA Fan Club, apparently.

Did those accountants seriously come on, wave, and walk-off?

9:00 Did the Emmys always have so many awards for reality tv?

9:01 pm 2012 Year in Drama montage! That’s what I’m talking about. Incessant reminders that I need to watch Downton Abbey and The Walking Dead, that The Good Wife, Mad Men and Breaking Bad continue to be incredible, and that Once Upon A Time is still be wildly disappointing.

Of Grey’s Anatomy: Mom: I can’t believe this show is on the air.

I had to use serious earpluggage for the Breaking Bad Sequence, because I’m only at Season 3!

9:04 pm Claire Danes looking stunning.

Mom: That’s an unfortunate dress (I guess we don’t always jam.)

Aaron Paul wins for Best Supporting Actor. If you’re not watching Breaking Bad, you’re doing something wrong. And if you don’t follow him on twitter, you’re making an even more egregious mistake.

And he’s crying. The rest of this liveblog might be me reacting to Aaron Paul reacting because he is my new Ryan Gosling. Actually maybe not because UGH he’s engaged and his fiance is gorgeous and I am irritated.

@gracehelbig Breaking Bad more like Breaking DECENT ENOUGH TO WIN EMMYS amiright?! #emmys

Love me some Daily Grace

9:12 pm distracted because Mom is talking about the Space Shuttle flyover that happened two days ago.

Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Kimmel are doing a bit. Eh.

9:14 pmConnie Britton and Hayden Pannewaytolazytolookupthespelling presenting.

Ted: Connie Britton is hot.

Mom: Which one is Connie Britton

Ted: The tall one [or the old one, but okay…]

Writers for Homeland win, so I guess I really should be watching this show.

Ted: DON’T PLAY THEM OFF. Let them talk for two fucking minutes!

9:17 pm Maggie Smith couldn’t be at the Emmys because she’s fucking Maggie Smith who owned the Battle of Hogwarts while kicking cancer’s ass and probably has some sort of endangered forest to save or diseased animal to nurse back to health.

9:26 pm Jimmy Kimmel has put together a faux-In Memorium montage for himself. I’m on the fence.

9:27 pm Julianna Marguelies WHAT ARE YOU WEARING.

 

Mom: I like it.

Damien Lewis lives for Best Actor in a Drama Series for Homeland. OKAY I GET IT I’LL WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW. Just called himself a “pesky Brit.”

“My two children at home thought Daddy had  been nominated for an Emma.” THAT’S RIGHT.

9:36 pm All in agreement that Tina Fey looks wonderful.

Will this be the year Julianna wins? I think I can vouch for Kate and say we both hope.

Elizabeth Moss counts as Lead Actress in Mad Men?

Okay Clare Danes wins and I’m sure it’s well-deserved but ugh Juliannnnaaaaa.

Clare agrees with Ted that the writers were cut off far too soon.

Mom: You’re boring!

Okay Clare Danes is pregnant so I guess we can excuse her babbling a bit? We’ll call it Natalie Portman syndrome?

9:42 pm The world stops when Aziz Ansari puts on a British Accent. “Bloody brilliant…fish and chips…cheers.”

When was the last time Neil Patrick Harris didn’t host the Tonys?

3 for 3 for Louis C.K!

9:49 pm Is it just me or does Once Upon a Time have like the WORST special effects?

Ted: I don’t get this whole fucking vampire thing. [Editor’s Note: Agreed.]

9:50 I get nervous every time Ricky Gervais is on stage. “They’ve flown me out for  a big one…Outstanding Direction for a Variety Special.”

Rando in the Emmy Direction Booth wins, and his speech is a little too meta for me.

9:55 Colbert nominated, as usual.

Me: Is he ever going to win?

Ted: Tonight. He wins tonight.

NOPE. Jon Stewart again. He, Colbert and Fallon wrestling to the stage. Incredible.

“Years from now, when the earth is a burning husk, aliens will find a box of these and realize just how predictable these fucking things are.” Moment of the night.

10:00 pm Jimmy Kimmel’s mom can’t move her face, it seems.

10:03 pm I really do need to watch miniseries’.

83% of the reason I don’t watch Boardwalk Empire is because Steve Buscemi gives me the heebie-jeebies for reasons unbeknownst to me. [Editor’s Note: It’s his face.]

10:08 pm Guys, In Memorium is coming up! Get out ‘dem kleenex.

In other news, Internet Explorer is trying so hard to be relevant again.

10:12 pm Is there anyone who doesn’t like Ellen DeGeneres? She’s the kind of person that can do unfunny things and make them hilarious. She’s also not wearing pants tonight.

10:14 pm Kerri Washington’s head is a little too big for her body. I can say that because my head is a little too big for my body and therefore I am an authority.

10:21 pm I know it’s tacky but I can’t help ranking the saddest deaths in the In Memorium. Tony Scott may just kill me (err….for lack of a better word) more than Steve Jobs…

@BrianJMoylan Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Amanda Bynes crashed her car into the stage at the Emmys during the In Memoriam

Also, ABC promos reminded me that in case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, this is your PSA that Castle and Beckett did the dirty.

10:27 pm Either the show is getting less-funny as the night progresses, or I am losing steam.

HEYYYOOOOO Doyle from Gilmore Girls wrote Game Change! Learn something new every day.

Unsurprisingly, Julianne Moore wins for Game Change. Won’t lie and pretend I’m cultured and saw it, but I’m guessing it was well-deserved. I mention that I saw her on the street once. Mom mentions she sat next to her at a lunch. COOL MOM guess you win, as usual.

10:31 pm@JuddApatow I am sure we will win best comedy series. Bank on it. @girlsHBO#HBO  [difficulty discerning tone]

10:35 pm Commercial break and we’re talking about recent rapes in NYC parks. Uplifting! But for real, educate yourself folks.

10:38 pm I really want to love Ginnifer Goodwin. Like I really, really, really do….

10:40 pm Kevin Costner gives a rambly speech.

Ted: WHERE’S THE MUSIC WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Touché.

10:45 pm How many awards for the Miniseries category can there be? The answer is at least 12 because Game Change won that many.

10:48 pm Homeland is the new Mad Men and wins for best Drama. Begin the 9,000 year sweep.

10:51 pm Is anyone more excited for This is 40 than me? Is anyone more obsessed with Maude Apatow’s twitter feed?

10:52 pm Jimmy Kimmel introduces Michael J. Fox as “everyone’s least favorite person.” Standing ovation. Work it.

10:56 pm Modern Family wins for best Comedy Series again. Fuck it, I’m out.

God It Really Was Such A Good Year For Latinos: The Golden Globes Unlive Blog 2012

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7:01 pm Angelina and Brad look TERRIBLE.

From later in the evening — see?

Meryl Streep is wearing a chip clip in her hair.

“ContROVosee.” Brits are weird. Jodie Foster reaches for the wine.
“I don’t care” that everyone here hates me. Yes you do Ricky.

7:05 pm “Dame Helen Mirren’s got good PR but she’s usually terrible.” Nice Ricky. I hope that one day I am referred to Dame Kate Dries.
Why was Amanda Peet wearing glasses? Sorry girl. You have become Lake Bell but not as cool.
Ricky to Johnny Depp: “Have you seen The Tourist yet?” Johnny isn’t such a good actor, because he’s having a hard time faking interest in that joke.

7:08 pm Gerard Butler looks like Wolverine. Alex: Do not insult Hugh Jackman.
Wouldn’t it be funny if Kenneth Branagh lost to Jonah Hill?
Don’t worry, Christopher Plummer won. They don’t cut to Jonah Hill when Plummer is thanking his fellow nominees. Way to start this night off with a bang with an old rambly person, who calls Ewan McGregor Ewan “my hearts in the highlands” McGregor

7:13 pm Elle Macpherson is sashaying like a saltshaker.
Zooey Deschanel has weird ’60s style hair, sorry Zo. Tina Fey peaks behind Amy Poehler. Love them.

Laura Dern’s “mother” on Enlightened is wearing an inflatable vest or parka.

7:19 pm Julianne Moore a. why are you holding hands with Rob Lowe b. you always have emerald green we get that you are a redhead c. why put a ruffle around your hips.

Mini-series is actually an impressive category this year.
The woman in Downton who looks like Katie Holmes is wearing a nice dress. Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore are suddenly part of Downton Abbey on this stage, and look okay with it.

7:23 pm Kate Winslet! Who apparently has a new boyfriend. Her dress is too short.

Why is Diane Lane sitting next to Susan Sarandon’s daughter?

7:32 pm Jeremy Irons puts his arm around the pres of the HFP, as if to protect her from the bloggers.
Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a double-breasted suit.

Paula Patton, is Rachel still dressing you? You should fire her.

Mindy Kaling @mindykaling Oh please Kelsey Grammar, fall off the stage #goldenglobes

Have gotten Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney confused twice tonight. Both hot.

7:38 pm Homeland wins. Christopher loves.
Debate begins between two members of the group who are still watching House. I have now found the last two people on earth who watch house.
Who did Tina Fey and Amy fuck to get to sit next to each other?

7:42 pm Alex wants to know why there are no cats in the Google Chrome ad.

7:46 pm Christopher: These are all really good scores actually (right before the War Horse comes on).
“I’m sorry I’m French.” Quote of the night.

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas! Their love knows no bounds.

7:51 pm Madonna’s voice is lots of accents. Mary J. Blige is like “Fuck this why did I even bother.

Don’t worry, I just poured red wine on my sock.

7:57 pm Deborah, you should also fire Rachel Zoe.

7:59 pm Everyone is getting played off, even Idris.
Brad Pitt needs to put the cane away. Angelina needs to put away her terrible old lady makeup and dress.

Drinking Moet, like the wealthy they are.

Seth, that joke about your private parts is not good enough for you. “Congratulations. Hi,” Seth says to Michelle. Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself.
“I consider myself a mother first and and actress second.” – Michelle Williams. Would a man ever say that?

@emilynussbaum I consider myself a Tweeter first and a mother second, so I’m rollin’ my eyes.

8:07 pm “Snapshot Stalkers.” I love the 10 o’clock news.

I had no idea Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar were good enough friends to play dueling skirts onstage.

8:10 pm Peter Dinklage: “I haven’t seen Mildred Pierce but I’m sure it’s good.”

I don’t know how people can get upset about the Kardashian’s and not get upset about Jessica Alba (who was styled by Brad Goreski. I know you need the money Brad but ugh).

Nicole, can you sit down in that? Should I be worried? Clive Owen has started with the spraytan. Nicole has to make up his acceptance speech because Woody Allen couldn’t be bothered for winning for Best Screenplay for what was actually a good movie! Blah blah Woody.

Jessica Lange: This award is just a topper on the cake that is my life!

8:30 pm UP ALL NIGHT. Megan Mullaly! Something to look forward to.
Madonna wins. “I grew up watching movies”…in this small British enclave outside of Detriot — Christopher as Madonna.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to people we don’t care about. But, “He’s kind of dreamy on the right” says Christopher.

SLOTAT (Secret Life of the American Teenager) spotting.

8:34 pm Is Dustin Hoffman dying?
The actress from Necessary Roughness was nominated? “My generation” Claire Danes wins so Christopher is happy. You did previously win for My So-Called Life!

The Golden Globes theme song is better if you sing it like scatting.

8:42 pm Emily Blunt rock it.
Why did they cut to Sascha Baron Cohen during Tina Fey’s presentation? Sometimes I think the dudes in the control room are just bored.
Thomas Jane really is a douche. WHATTTT Eric Stonestreet looks (fairly) pissed that he lost to Matt LeBlanc. Could he be more bored?

8:47 pm I think they got Bradley Cooper to present that award because he speaks French.
“I would to thank table 10” – Octavia Spencer

Richard Lawson @rilaws Hate to be this person, but the way Hollywood actors collectively applaud themselves for liking a black person is so uncomfortable.

8:56 pm Morgan…Freeman. Oh god this is going to be dull.
What has he been in?

9:03 pm “I can’t tell you what it feels like…” for a girl? He says in his acceptance speech.
Alex: I have yet to see it be a good year for Latinos. Another L’Oreal comemercial: Irish. Australian. Italian. Truematch. Etc. W3 nudebeige.

9:11 pm Robert Downey Jr. for shame! That penguin tux. Christopher: Rumor has it, no longer sober.
“Daring euphoric golden globe best film motion picture for best comedy.”
So he’d never won the oscar and now he’s won the oscar and he’ll never stop winning re: Marty.

I wonder who was responsible for making sure Ricky had decreasing amounts of liquor in that cup.
Wow it’s taken this long to mention either Glee or Modern Family. I didn’t know how good I had it
Phil is wearing a white jacket though! Christopher: I wore a white jacket to my prom. It did not look good. The dude told me I’d look like Frank Sinatra.
Julie Bowen and Sophia Vergara do really hate each other. Julie’s just mad she looks like Glinda.

“Up next, Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel.” Oh good, I can take my nap then.

WAIT RYAN GOSLING IS NOT THERE. “Hey girl, sorry I couldn’t attend.”
Hello hello hello we are so French say the people from The Artist. “I’m French too!” Maybe he’s the French Jon Hamm.

“Just the right amount of wrong.” I really enjoy these commercials.

9:35 pm Meryl looks like she might die. Took off her glasses just in time for this award. Does Meryl get a teleprompter for her speech? David Fincher does not want to go up and give Meryl her glasses! No music for Meryl! God = Harvey Weinstein.

9:41 pm Remember Natalie’s terrible speeches last year? Glad we won’t get a repeat of that.

9:48 pm Wow Natalie wanted to get off that stage and back to tending to her dress.
George Clooney has officially made me not like him anymore. Congratulations.
Christopher congratulates Michael Fassbender on his “mega-peen.”

If my mom could have her way, she’d be a combo of Diane Keaton, Meryl and Jane Fonda.

9:54 pm If you didn’t know from the music, The Descendants takes place in Hawaii.

The Golden Globes literally just ended with Alexander Payne thanking my Uncle John! Gotta rep the lawyers. This is how Tilda Swinton feels about that:

And we’ll leave you with this photo, where you can determine for yourself if Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy look alike.

TTMMW: Weather Is A Fickle Mistress

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READ

Where will the boats go?! I’m really, really worried.

Preston Sturges: The finest director most people don’t really know about. My favorite is The Lady Eve, and Netflix Instant has a whole bunch to choose from.

Jeff Bridges is returning to his Crazy Heart roots, to which I say, good job and now can you please just do a sequel to The Fabulous Baker Brothers?

The creator of Dilbert is…not very smart.

Howard Dean continues to the the biggest badass. DEAN 2018!

Ricky Gervais is the world’s most articulate atheist. Or at least the funniest.

The Grammys are cutting over 30 award categories. Editing really does help, kids!

This interview with Fred Willard is just too good to excerpt.

Discussing the anniversary of Penguin’s 75th anniversary, art director Paul Buckley talks about how its okay to judge a book by its cover.

The Mona Lisa was real, and there will be bone proof. This does not make the painting any less overrated.

Should Alcoholics stay Anonymous? David Colman makes a compelling argument for coming out of the closet.

Get over yourself Will Smith: His 1100 sq. ft. trailer, plus a second one for his gym, is angering SoHo residents. I would feel worse for them if it wasn’t SoHo…

LOOK

Annie Liebowitz might be broke and stuff, but she still takes good pictures of beautiful famous people.


I just want brass knuckles, but not brass, ever.

What if you lived at Ikea? I wish.


Or here. Please and thank you.


This house is one part FLW, one part Little House on the Prairie (Banks of Plum Creek/sodhouse days).

The differences between Mac and PC people are not quite what you’d think they’d be.


Ketchup and stain removal in one interactive ad campaign. Consider me sold.

LISTEN

RollingStone is streaming Stevie Nicks’ newest album “In Your Dreams.” I like to imagine her yelling this phrase at people.

Elvis Costello covers. Laura Cantrell does “Indoor Fireworks.”

WATCH


I love Jello.


Some people are very very very good whistlers. It took other people a long time to just fake it.


The weather has not been good to Chicago this week; in fact, it’s been the definition of a fickle mistress. That’s not related to this video, it’s just to say that things have been better and I look forward to them being so again.

I haven’t made it through all of these interviews with Matthew Weiner, but here’s more information about Mad Men than you always wanted to know.


I appreciated the power of Robert Ebert’s words before, but somehow, they’ve become more moving now that he can’t speak.

The Beast File – Apple (HUNGRY BEAST) from Elmo Keep on Vimeo.

Apple isn’t always so nice, unfortunately.


Linda Ronstadt sings “My Boyfriend’s Back.” She also dated California Governor Jerry Brown. Oh wait, I’m sorry, she was his “occasional companion.”

The Golden Globes 2011, Or When Jennifer Love Hewitt Did Not Win For The Client List

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Why weren’t we watching the NBC Red Carpet? It’s Carson Daly and Alexa Chung and some woman who looks like Lori Loughlin. Now the world, or this room full of people, will never know how much she’s actually like Lori Loughlin. Did she too star as the hot mom in a few choice CW series?

7:00 Of course Angelina and Brad are the first ones we see. They will remain in this half-hugging position for the whole night.
Ricky G. tells us that “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Here’s hoping Ricky. He starts talking about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist and what a bad movie it was (pan to Johnny Depp, looking amused) and Burlesque, of course (“Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975”). Moving on to other films not nominated, such as the SATC 2 poster airbrushing — “Girls, we know how old you are” — the censors do their job and bleep Christ’s sake, and we get a few John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay scientologist jokes. All in all, not reinventing the wheel, but everyone seems super uncomfortable, so win!

7:02 The Walking Dead is nominated. Shot of Steve Buscemi. Someone back there has a sense of humor.

7:05 And it’s time for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Duh, it’s Christian Bale, which means KB was the loser. Guys, money never ever sleeps.
KB screams “Geoffrey Rush is wearing a chapeau!” He is apparently bald underneath for a film.
Christian Bale makes some long weird comment about Deniro that the censors cut. We’ll never know…

7:09 LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are presenting together. Why, Bowen, why?
First upset of the night: Katey Sagal wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama. Loved her on 8 Simple Rules, but here she looks like Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey.


She says to her husband, the creator of Sons of Anarchy: “Sweetheart, I love you. I’m so glad you’re the boss of me.” Woah. They cut her off faster than they cut of Christian Bale. KB notes that that’s because they’re scared for their lives when it comes to Christian. No one has won this round.
Kenneth the page!

7:16 We’re introduced to this years Golden Globe Girl, aka, the lesser Golden Girl(s).
Carlos wins Best Foreign Language Film or whatever. Second upset! And we get to see Kenneth the page again, making that same manic face everytime.

KB: You know its a night of upsets when everyone is coming from the mezzanine.

7:21 Garrett Hedlund, my future husband.
Scott Caan. Jessie gets mad at Kate for not remembering that he was in Oceans 11. Whatever, apparently he has a super hairy chest.
Kenneth the page sighting number 3.
Chris Colfer wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee. He looks so genuinely shocked, and the cast is so excited for him (Lea Michele maybe is a good actress, methinks). He says, “I think I just droped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if you could give it back to me….” Blake has won this round.

7:30 Michelle Pfeiffer is the most beautiful woman alive, except “her armpits go up to Toledo” says Jessie. I don’t know what that means. She will spend the rest of the show looking pissed though, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Ricky G. makes a joke about the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, who counters, “Ricky, next time you want me to help qualify your movies, go to another guy.”

7:33 Kevin Bacon is going to be in X-Men?
Steve Buscemi wins, and Boardwalk Empire wins, which mean Kate wins! Did you know my friend Talia used to shred his fan mail for him as an afterschool job? He says, “First of all, I have thank table 114. You guys are a lot of fun.” Apparently he has a relative named Tutti? Maybe he is in the mob.

7:39 Brad and Angie with the bow tie. They’re just like real people, these wax figurines.

7:45 Jesse Eisenberg has a soul patch. Dude stop it.

7:47 Burlesque wins for best song, that awful number where Cher just yells that you “Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me.” A Liza Minelli wannabe accepts, though I do love it when non-famous people win. Both Blake and Christopher get this round.

7:50 Best Score goes to The Social Network aka Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Jessie and Kate win this round duh. But it’s hilarious to see him in a suit.

Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical goes to Glee, which is pretty ridic. Ari says, “They’re going to cry over everything. They’re going to cry over tonal shifts in their episodes.”

7:55 Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hailee Steinfeld and the J. Biebz. Jessie: This is why puberty is awkward, she’s two years younger than him, and like a foot taller.
Ari: I dont know how to feel about kids introducing animated features. AGEISM.
Jessie says, “Maybe Toy Story 3 won’t win”, right as it does. Everybody gets this round. The dude who runs up to accept looks like Ed Helms, and he remarks, “Wow, were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?” Touché, good sir.
This is incredibly unfair. Because he’s not like, super famous, they are legit just cutting to famous people looking bored as he talks.

7:59 Look at Robert Downey Jr. swagger. Maybe it’s because he’s married to to Susan Lucci, right Jessie? He tells a very extensive joke about the women who are nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, and how he’s connected to all of them. Gets awk, but I dig.

Someone notes that Al Pacino and Michael Douglas are slowly becoming the same person. That’s right: OLD WHITE MEN.
And Annette Bening wins! Which means KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily get points. Annette thanks “Mark Ruffalo, our awesome sperm donor, and “MY HUSBAND, WARREN BEATTY!” That’s right, stake your claim girlfriend.

8:11 It’s Tilda and Geoffrey Rush. What a dynamic duo.
Going back to Al Pacino, Ari wonders if it’s weird she always confuses him with Bob Dylan. Kate says no, they both look homeless.

8:16 And Claire Danes wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television, duh. She tells us, “I have to rattle these names off because everyone was so vitalllll,” emphasis on the vital. Slow camera pan in on J.Lo Hew, who is trying not to cry. As Kate was the only one to vote in this category, she wins by default and also brilliance.

8:23 Zac Efron looks like a boy band member. Ari and KB think his tie is too shiny, but Kate likes it.

8:25 Kenneth the page. If you’re trying to make this a drinking game, that’s the fourth sighting.

Steve Carell comes out with Tina Fey, and tells us “Don’t turn the channel! We’re still stars.” Yessir.
Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Screenplay – Motion Picture, which means KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca and Kate win. Where is JT?!
KB: Aaron, tell us who was better: Kristin Chenoweth or Maureen Dowd?
Kate: Ouch.

8:29 Jane Lynch wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee, with the group conclusion being that she’s better in other stuff, but we all like her. She says, “My cup runneth over”, but “I am nothing if not falsely humble.” I love a good prepared speech that seems natural and doesn’t require a piece of paper. She also thanks her family in Chicago, and we’re pretty sure she’s talking about us. On that note, Blake and Christopher have got this round.

8:35 Woman from Denmark wins something foreign. Kate says “Denmark. Is she Denmarkein?” It’s clarified that she’s in fact Danish.

8:38 Helen Mirren introduces Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical by explaining that these women are always “gorgeous, smart, beautiful.” Really? Do we need to superlatives about how attractive they are? ‘Cmon Helen. She also uses some weird terminology comparing this process to the lifecycle — inseminated, gestated, given birth — that gives us all a bit of a uncomfortable feeling.
Laura Linney wins for The Big C but couldn’t be bothered to show. (UPDATE: I’m a bitch. Her dad died recently.) Kate goes deaf as KB squeals in her ear. Jessie says that the show is, “about her living her life, like a free bitch.”

8:46 Jane Fonda aka my mother’s celebrity doppleganger hasn’t been at the Globes for 25 years. Guys, that’s embarrassing that you just admitted to losing her invite every year for that long.
Much debate occurs over whether you can see the top of her right nipple. It’s inconclusive. If you have picture evidence, holler at me.
Kaley Cuoco is so genuine about Jim Parsons winning for The Big Bang Theory. Watch this scene if you need convincing he’s worth the time. KB, Blake, Christopher and Kate win this round.
Kate: Hugh Laurie is bald. Accept it and move on.

8:50 Jeremy Irons. Jessie: Mufasaaaa!
Melissa Leo wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. She says, “All that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!” Cut to Mark Wahlberg drinking away. It must be sad that you’re surrounded by all this talent and know you won’t get a win boy. Melissa thanks someone for “those few hours we spent in the maritime hotel”, and then realizes what she has just said and clarifies, “No no no you dont know what kind of girl I am!” What kind of girl would that be, Melissa. She makes sure to say, “Mark Wahlberg, you are a prince.” Jessie: He does not like her.

8:59 Cecil B. Demille award and Robert Deniro makes a weird speech. In the introduction by Matt Damon, he tries to act out some of his best scenes. What is this, an audition? Temple Grandin is really bored, and Eva Longoria is sitting next to her? KB tries to start a rumor that something’s going on with those two.
Angelina is looking through Brad to find the waiter. “Bring me more Moet bitch!”

9:07 Deniro was bleeped. We don’t know what he said. but he was workin’ blue, according to Ari.
Ad for Abilify the anti-depressant. Ari says: Is that like Unobtainium?

9:12 Oreo commercial, entitled ‘Lick or be licked.” Kate starts down a dark path with this catchphrase.
Ari: Oreoes dont need to be advertised. The people that are going to buy them are going to buy them. If you see them you won’t suddenly like them. Discuss.
Kate: They totally picked Megan Fox to talk about The Tourist because she’s the poor man’s Angelina.

9:16 David Fincher wins Best Director, which means Blake, Christopher, Francesca and Kate are the champions. Is his speech 4 pages long, or is he blind?

9:18 Christopher: Modern Family is for homophobes.
HUGE outcry in the room.

9:24 Why is Alicia Keys here? Yes, she is a singer, to those in the room who seemed confused.
Paul Giamatti looks like he’s on coke or something, but its just Godiva chocolate? He won in the category that no one good was nominated in, Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, but Emily wins. They keep bleeping him out. For some reason he says, “Montreal, I dream about it. I salute the great nation of Canada.” That’s probably the first time it’s ever been saluted, so job well done.
As we cut to commercial break, we get a shot of Emma Stone and Mila Kunis who seem very happy to be there, jumping together.

9:28 Commercial for L’Oreal: ‘Imagine if you could grow young.” It’s “inspired by gene science.” This is followed by a commercial for Exboards, which are whiteboards. What has the world come to.

9:32 Joseph Gordon Levitt has a weird button on, and is talking like a weirdo. It’s cool though, he was in 3rd Rock from the Sun.
Jeff Bridges tells us that Natalie Portman has won Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama. We get some shots of him being positioned appropriately on the stage by Miss Golden Girls.
Natalie, you should stick to acting. She tells us, Thank you to Benjamin for helping me bring another life into this world” and “he’s the best actor, he totally wants to sleep with me!” She also thanks Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis. Dear god. She does have a fabulous back, and Darren Aronofsky only has a horrible pedostache.
KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily win, but could have predicted such a horrendous speech?

9:46 Sandra!
KB: The Golden Globes is a 50/50 British/American. (Note: This was def the Sunny D and Andre talking. In no way do the awards shake out this way.)

9:54 Michael Douglas gets onstage. Everyone stands, which means KB was right about that. She starts violently hitting Kate while Michael tiredly says, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”
The Social Network wins for Best Picture — Drama.
Why is Kevin Spacey hugging Aaron Sorkin? Ari: Because he thinks that its the year 2000 and he won for American Beauty. Chris smiles slyly. Why are the fake Winklevoss’ up there and fucking Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield can’t stop being emo and get up there. David Fincher blames their “left brain combination.”

Ricky G. tells us it’s all over, and “Thank you to god, for making me an atheist.” Sure thing bro.

FINAL TALLY:
Blake, our dark horse from out West, wins with a resounding 15 correct answers! Christopher comes in a respectable 10, and Kate, our ever-fearless blogger, comes in with 9. Everyone else ties at 8
What should Blake’s prize be? The opportunity to take over Smart Girls for the day? A nice bottle of Moet (or Andre?) You decide!
[memedex: pollid#492919]

And thank you to Gawker for finding this clip. Now I can watch over and over and over again.

Maximum Sized Thelonious Monk Memorial Weblog Post Week 6

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1. Not only is Dana Perino hot, she might be smarter than we thought
She says that Palin’s message is mixed.

2. Glenn Gould on PBS’ American Masters
Genius Within: The Inner Life Of Glenn Gould” aired last night. I was born to the Goldberg Variations and am also somewhat related to Bach what uppp.

3. Musicians that died this year

4. DADT repealed, if you live under a rock
The NYT reports: “In the years since President Bill Clinton first enacted “don’t ask, don’t tell” in 1993, some 17,000 service members have been discharged under the policy.”

5. Beautiful cover of Joni Mitchell’s “River” by Fran Healy of Travis

Fran Healy covers Joni Mitchell

Remember this song? So good.

6. Larry David lets us know what tax cuts really mean
I may not be able to stomach Curb Your Enthusiasm, but this is a gem: “Life was good, and now it’s even better. Thank you, Republicans. And a special thank you to President Obama and the Democrats. I didn’t know you cared.”

7. Ricky Gervais explains why being an atheist is the best
I won’t even excerpt this, just read the whole thing. But don’t watch his movie The Invention of Lying. Also about God, it’s a little upsetting.

8. Another young person sails very far
Stop making me look bad, it’s embarrassing.
Teenage sailor on solo voyage reaches St. Maarten [SI]

9. The Original You’ve Got Mail
Both are amazing in that they are the definition of feel-good. Except The Shop Around the Corner doesn’t have Parker Posey or Dave Chappelle in some of the best roles of their lives.

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