Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Oh You Know, It’s Just The Red Carpet Of The 2012 Oscars

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5:44 pm Pharrell is here? Talking about Hans Zimmer and Union regulations. So I guess he helped on the music for this show or something.

We get it Michelle. You’re cute and dainty.

Bérénice Bejo and Viola Davis decided to wear exactly the same outfit and have exactly the same hair color. Kelly Osbourne: “I love that she kept her hair the way that it is” aka LIKE A BLACK WOMAN.

5:47 pm George and Stacy are not the couple of the night, Kelly Osbourne. One dude cannot hold up the dead weight of his partner.

5:54 pm Rooney Mara blah blah. I still like her sister better. Also BUSY PHILLIPS.

Glenn Close is wearing a blazer. Alex: You are not weird enough to be wearing weird things. You are not Tilda.

Jonah Hill and his mom have the same nose.

Maya Rudolph says Beyonce is “lovely and cool and totally positive.” Unsurprising. Also Nelly Furtado “did not care for my impression of her.”

6:12 pm Giuliana: I love how Ryan’s ignoring me right now. Story of your life Giuliana — the one person that is supposed to listen to you doesn’t.

Oh “The Dictator.” Ryan is NOT pleased about his ash dusting ala The Big Lebowski. I hear, though I was in the bathroom for that moment, sadly.

E! gives us a close-up of the socks, as if we care.

6:23 pm Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, my favorite couple. Melanie licks her lips while watching Antonio. Classic.

Tina Fey, wearing exactly what she always wears. That’s because it’s “custom” Carolina Herrera.

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS STANDING NEXT TO TINA FEY. J.Lo also chastises Ryan for making her wait, calls him baby twice, and has amazing-looking breasts (IRONIC FORESHADOWING).

Alex: Ryan, stop telling people this story about your “ashing.” It might be new to them, but it’s not new to us.

6:28 pm EMMA STONE. We’ve seen this dress before but I still love it. I like that her hair matches her dress. THEY SHAKE HANDS.

6:32 pm Why is Sarah Hyland on this panel? E! is obsessed with her.
Oh this is why, I’ve been informed.

6:45 pm ‏This explains everything: @brianstelter
Why isn’t E! showing the red carpet anymore? Per @AndyLevy, ABC has exclusive red carpet rights after 7:30p ET. (via @jonathanwald)

6:52 pm Nick Nolte got old real quick.
Penelope Cruz’s dress is a very different color than in pictures.

7:01 pm Cameron is “Roma chica trashy Italian” says Christopher, who just arrived.

7:04 pm Gwyneth and Cameron are best friends and got ready together? Sure…We’re just hearing about this?

7:12 pm Is Brad Pitt nominated for Troy 2?

Sandra, the plastic surgery…She just yelled about how happy she is to be here, which means she’d really like to be at home on the couch. Sandra, you’re invited over here.

7:20 pm Natalie looks 23 again. With greasy, hungover hair to match.

Kate: Why is Tom Hanks giving us a behind-the-scenes tour? Tamara: Because he’s like, a luminary.

Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose Are Engaged? The Grammy Red Carpet 2012

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Imagine: Amber Rose and “Wiz” reproduce. Their kids will be aliens on earth.
5:59 pm Sean: Cyndi Lauper is Ke$ha in 20 years.

6:04 pm Fergie is wearing Gaultier not Versace. Good guess though, I’ll pat myself on the back. Her mom: “She’s still my little rock and roll rebel.”
Fergie on Kanye: “What can you not say about him, musically, that’s not positive.”

Jessie J is British, apparently. And this story about her rehearsing at Clive’s party for Bobbi Kristina is confusing. Even Giuliana thinks she might be making it up

She’s really just bangs on a floating head.

6:08 pm Katy Perry is pretty; she looks like a non-literal mermaid.

I’m the minority, but I love Kelly Osbourne’s grey/purple hair.
The celebrities are doing a good job with being really explicit about their designers these days.

6:14 pm Robyn, no. We know you’re Swedish, but no.
The head of the Grammys is blatantly lying about how they “help people in their family when they need it.”

6:23 pm Sean: Nicki Minaj and THE POPE?
Kelly Osbourne calls it the big fashion moment of the night, because she has a bishop with her. It’s this years Lady Gaga-egg.
I have an unnatural hatred for Blake Shelton.

Alberto re: Ryan Seacrest on Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton: Ryan, don’t comment on how other relationships are fake.

6:30 pm Sean: If I were Alicia Keyes, I’d wear a pantsuit all the time.
Kate: Oh wait, she does…

Julianne Hough is not the new Jennifer Aniston.
Taylor Swift looks like Nicole Kidman.

I’m glad Giuliana decided to stop trying to grow out her roots.

6:39 pm RIHANNA IS 23. I just always have to remind myself that.

Giuliana’s attempt to be tactful about the stars’ clothes while constantly complimenting them must be a hard balance to strike.

There’s a black guy in Maroon 5?

6:43 pm Common, why aren’t you and Serena Williams together? Also here are his thoughts on Maya Angelo: “She is like a walking poetry, walking spirit, God coming through her.” Sure.

Etta James. Don Cornelius. Whitney Houston. That is all.

I’ve said this before, but Kate Beckinsale is the hottest woman alive. Her daughter looks aite too.

6:47 pm This Tina Fey commercial…is confusing.

I don’t really know why we’e obsessing about Nicki Minaj is wearing because she’ll she’ll change like a thousand more times tonight.
Also where is Gaga?

6:56 pm Adele is always wearing black.

This Has Been A Great Year For Latinos: The Golden Globes Red Carpet Unlive Blog 2012

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6:18 pm They just beeped Elton John saying “Madonna hasn’t gotten a fucking chance.”
Elle Macpherson is dressing like she’s nominated, when in fact she is just repping her new PR spinoff.

6:21 pm Rob Lowe is an alcoholic. Or he’s obsessed with how everyone else is.
Evan Rachel Wood looks 45. Gucci Premiere made her dress FOR HER. Alex: I don’t care if it’s Black Swanny, I like it.

This Asian girl host is a super Social Network Brenda Song. And looks like a Caesar’s Palace waitress.

6:27 pm Since when is best original song a category we care about? Alex: Since Madonna and Elton John were involved.

6:33 pm Who would have thunk that Ali McBeal and Indiana Jones would still be together after all these years?

Our Host friend in the teal: What a great year for Latinos! We’ve done so well! Salma Hayek:…
OH my god it’s almost like you’re integrated into society!

6:36 pm Natalie Portman enters. Emily: Kind of inauguration ball.
I’m fairly certain we haven’t seen her since this time last year.

The commercials are really pushing Abilify on me. I don’t like what they’re implying.

6:41 pm Carson Daly looks so excited to be here. Not.

I KNEW that it was Tina Fey from behind and far away #assthatwontquit
Alex: Her hair looks like Kristen Stewart in between roles.

George and Stacy. I just can’t stop laughing at the two of them together. In other news, the producer of this pre-show is giving all the men to Carson.
An Australian starts talking. Kate: OH HELLLLLLLO.

6:45 pm Emma Stone says “Oh Hello!” to our poor man’s Brenda Song. I wonder if they’ll talk about both sleeping with Andrew Garfield. Emma may be drunk, but she’s wearing Lanvin.

Jennifer Lopez is 100% Puerto Rican. Good. To. Know. Also is a W6 sunbeige.

I still cannot believe Big Miracle got made.

I wish I could just get a Camelback for wine tonight.

6:52 pm Reese looks big. Adam Levine is “a homeless person” to Carson Daly.

WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOUR HELEN.

6:55 pm Sofia Vergara aka the LATINOS ARE HERE.

Unrelated: Emily says “Things I learn about dating someone in their 30s — they text you about 60 Minutes. Also, when they say ‘Talk to you tomorrow’ they mean they will CALL YOU ON THE PHONE.

And this is the moment that the screen changed from our good friend White But Thinks She’s Latino, Carson Daly, and Caesar’s Palace waitress, to the Globes. They are but a specter in time. SEE YOU THERE.

The Red Carpet, 2011 Golden Globes Style

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All times are Central Standard Time. As if you care.

5:04 Olivia Wilde starts the night off in Marchesa, with a beautiful dress and horrid hair. Maybe it’s the humidity. You can’t see her shoes in this picture, but they are awesome, like what dragon shoes would look like if they had shoes.

Oh and it’s our favorite, Guiliana Rancic, Ryan Seacrest’s “partner in crime.” In case you were wondering, her dress is Zac Posen, her shoes are Louboutin, and blah blah stop wishing you were famous. In case you were also wondering, the E! Glam Cam is out, with 360 vision, so you will get to see Sofia Vergara’s backside.

5:07 I didn’t even recognize Kaley Cuoco, but she is definitely drunk. She managed to convince us she’s engaged, but then actually no, just to Chopard, who gave her that massive rock on her ring finger.

5:12 Baby bumps are very in this season, says Kelly Osbourne. It’s baby bumps galore! Jessie: Natalie’s prego? What you want Natalie!

5:19 J.Lo Hew is wearing a wedding dress. Perhaps she is trying to remind us that she is a strong, desirable female who also happens to vagazzle.

5:27 Alec Baldwin is freaking out Jayma Mays with his usual hilarity. And then they shake hands! Jenna from Glee looks like Sandra Oh, because they’re both Asian.

5:32 Julianne Hough. Jessie: Is that Sharpay?

5:34 Dianna Agron looks amazing!

Jessie tells us that she was cast the night before they started filming the pilot of Glee. She also says “That dress is not doing her boobs any favors. You’ve got to love the one you’re with.”

5:35 Elizabeth Moss says Keira Knightley “is just like a normal girl.” Ryan Secrest reminds us that she is also “incredibly hot and glamorous.” Thanks. She is wearing Donna Karen, aka, old lady fare. This green will be repeated throughout the night.

5:38 Ricky G! His sunglasses are reflective. Ryan reminds us that we should all be nervous about the show being held live. Hopefully he’ll hold his tongue. Oh wait no, please don’t, it’ll be the only interesting thing to happen.
Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit is presenting with J. Biebz and going to get lots of death threats. Or something.

5:44 KYRA SEDGWICK. You are so hot. If you and Kevin Bacon break up, I will sob real tears.

Piper Perabo: nice ass. Why are you nominated for Covert Affairs, aka the poor man’s Alias? Were they desperate for women? I should write their shortlist for them.

5:46 Julie Bowen is apparently a bitch? And in a feud with Sofia Vergara? She called her a “Cholo Barbie.”
And here’s Jessie Michael Tom Taylor Patrick King Ferguson, as Jessie calls him, aka Mitchell from Modern Family. He is not straight, duh. Eric Stonestraight, as his castmembers call him, is.

5:49 KB: Look at that microphone! It has glitter!
Kate: You are a magpie.
Helena Bonham Carter is wearing two different shoes. Jessie: she can do whatevers he wants
KB: For a second I thought that caption said sup actress, as in, ” ‘Sup, Actress”, but it is an abbreviation for supporting.

5:50 Eva Longoria. TAKE THAT TONY. But she wears too many fishtail dresses.
We now know what Guliana Rancic really looks like: A Praying Mantis.

5:55 Kourtney and Kim! You take New York.
Lea Michele looks like Pepto Bismal, or Jessie’s halloween costume from several years ago.

5:56 Natalie! What what what. What is that rose. I expected more of you. You are showing, but like, what is your deal.

5:59 Remy: There’s going to be a fourth Mission Impossible? This is the worse news. I love how E! streams news on the bottom like they’re CNN.
HEATHER MORRIS! January Jones. So many good looking ladiez.
Naya Rivera too! Jessie: I can see each of asscheeks, and I have never been more pleased.
KB: Did she get a boob job IRL?

6:01 Jake Gyllenhaal and Jason Segel just bro-highfived.
KB loves Carrie Underwood’s because its sparkly and she’s predictable. Sean notes she always wears this dress. Agreed.

6:04 Emma Stone. I didn’t recognize her but she looks awesome. Like she’s wearing neoprene.

Apparently Judd Apatow told her to dye her hair red. Jessie’s afraid it won’t go back.

6:05 KB: Nothing makes me happier than seeing how bad ScarJo looks.

Jessie: Jeez these celebrities move so fast (in reference to her break-up with Ryan Reynolds).
KB: Hi, resident Lauren (in reference to Jessie not knowing anything about popular culture).
Eva Longoria does the breakup thing correctly, ScarJo does not.
Jessie: She looks like she has sex hair, and then went around in a convertible.

6:10 Nicole, I dont believe that you stopped the Botox. She has looked much worse, so she gets judged on a scale.
Sean just confused Keith Urban and Keith Richards. and then Jessie said, “Who are either of them?”
KB didnt know Urban was Austrailian. Everyone here graduated from College, btw.

6:11 The most famous man in the world has just arrived aka J. Biebz.
Sean: Is he gay and dating an Asian man now?
His hair looks a little different. Bieber says, “Well they just put it in my schedule and I showed up.” You know, a typical Sunday night at a major awards show, NBD. Last year I was recording Youtube videos of me in my living room.
Jessie: He always looks pensieve. He is just dealing with the weight of the world.

6:12 Michael “Money Never Sleeps” Douglas. Catherine Zeta is wearing green (Kate: I love Zorro) as is Mila Kunis and like fucking everyone else, but it’s okay, because it’s KB’s favorite color.
KB: I have ten dollars to say that when he goes up there to present, everyone will stand.
Jane Krasinski is pregnant. KB wants to know if there is a Lamaze counselor backstage.
Kate: I hate how pregnant women always hold their stomaches.
Jessie: If I bite the inside of my cheek, I can’t stop touching it. When I am pregnant, I’m not going to stop touching my stomach.

6:15 Julianne Moore. Divisive.

6:16 Jessie: Meester is not a real last name. That’s what a self-involved person calls themself.
Sofia Vergara = boobs galore, with a fake corset. She just plugged Easy Tone Reeboks. Not good. Everyone is disgusted.

6:26 Remy: E! replaced the news with a Twitter feed. This is actually an upgrade.
We recognize Angelina from the back. At least she’s not wearing black? It’s so hard not to irrationally hate her, especially when she always looks like a wax figure.

6:28 The one look I just got of Michelle Williams is no good. Daisies seem to be involved She seems to consistently try to relive her youth with her dress. Perhaps this is a response to years and years of playing a baddd girl on Dawson’s Creek. is trying to look like a small child
Everyone applauds at the presence of Sandra Bullock. I like the bangs, though it is a little “I want to hide from the world.”
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Jessie just thought Robert Downey Jr. was married to Susan Lucci.

6:35 Tina Fey. I’m sticking with my classification of this as very sea anemone esque.

Halle Berry. Always so much skin. KB thinks she “looks like a skank on a stick.” Ew.

6:37 Giuliana Rancic just had the best freakout about Angelina and Brad I have ever seen. If anyone can get me coverage of this, I will pay money for it.
KB has decided she wants to see No Strings Attached at home and not in theaters because then we can drink. I remind her that my mother has already taught me how to do that in theaters.

6:41 J.Lo from above looks like an angel. In a frontal view, her cape looks like something my Nana would wear.
Annette Bening and Warren Beatty have blessed us with their presence, finally.

6:45 Mandy Moore. The top looks awesome, i want the rest.
Update: Disappointing.

6:52 Christina Hendricks. Too much poof, probs, but props to red heads wearing red on the red carpet.

Helen Mirren and Tilda Swinton hugging! Get me this GIF.

And onto the real show. We’re left with one last image of Christian Bale with the worst beard and hair combo I’ve ever seen. Oh Christian why! Why would you do that to me.

Images via Getty.

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