Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Lin-Manuel Miranda Was Not Enough To Save Vows

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There are still more hopelessly awful couples, back at it again! This time, it’s a Rockefeller. And we’re going to play a game called, if this VOWS was a Rom-Com, which one would it be?

BATTLE: Runaway Bride vs. The Notebook

1. “It was supposed to be only a summer romance.”
Uh oh! DARK FORESHADOWING. Also, I’m feeling influences of The Notebook.

2. “But like characters in a Nicholas Sparks romance novel, their courtship was complicated.”
Complicated enough for A Walk To Remember-style courtship, where leukemia is involved? Or complicated like The Notebook, where family gets in the way? Or that one about old people, Nights in Rodanthe, where I have no idea what happens because the combined efforts of Richard Gere and Diane Lane, with a cameo by James Franco, were not enough get me to the theater…

3. “She took note of his six-foot athletic frame, but what most intrigued her was the weight of his words.”
Let’s be real: He was a hottie, she wanted him.

4. “‘He wanted to make something of himself,’ she said, contrasting his aspirations with those of men she’d met who ‘just want to live off their parents’ trust funds.'”
Oh, so it is like The Notebook. Sigh. Why can’t we all just get along? Because then there wouldn’t be a love story about boys and girls from different sides of the tracks who just want to be together people!

5. “’He’d try to hold my hand in movies and things like that, and I’d skillfully get out of it,’ she said.”
Okay, actually good call. Hand-holding is gross. Hand-squeezing during Scream is totally okay though.

6. “He also learned how easily she could flee when she abruptly departed college, and the continent, to live in northern Brazil, where she volunteered at an elementary school, run by a nonprofit organization there. ‘I’m a Gemini,’ Ms. Rockefeller said. ‘I love to change things up.'”
Translation: I’m flaky and expect people to cater to my every whim! Also I believe in astrology!

7. “Days of swimming in the ocean followed nights of stargazing in each other’s arms. ‘I was having the time of my life,’ she said.”
Stargazing? “Like in Grease, when Sandy says they stayed out until 10 o’clock, but Danny says that they made out under the dock?

8. “‘I freaked out,’ she said. She also relocated to a surfers’ shack in Hawaii.”
She found another hottie who wanted less commitment but an equal amount of “stargazing.”

9. “He was determined to win her back, and he decided the way to do that was to improve himself…He set out to be that person, crossing tasks off his ‘to do’ list, including continuing his education at New York University and volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.”
While she was off in Hawaii, doing god knows who. Note part of The Notebook where Ryan Gosling is slaving away over the house he must build to prove his love for Rachel McAdams, but she’s off getting engaged to someone else (James Marsden, who for a number of years played only the guy who gets gilted).

10. “But then the old doubts of losing her independence crept in…In February, she informed Mr. Bucklin that she was moving to Los Angeles. ‘I wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to run away from me, or just wanted to feel chased,’ he said. A chase is what she got when he followed her to L.A.”
No, I’ve changed my mind…this is Runaway Bride. She’s always on the lam!

11. ‘He keeps me grounded,’ she said, ‘and I keep him on his toes.’
Julia Roberts would say, “I’m turning in my running shoes.” But she’s Julia Roberts. So she gets away with that.

VERDICT: TIE. The groom’s tendency to stalk the bride, and the bride’s UP-upper-class background make this one part The Notebook. But the constant peacing out when anything gets good…yup, that’s definitely Runaway Bride. Add a dash of a musical number with some lyrics full of double entendres… and you’ve got your new movie: The True Story of Ariana Rockefeller and Matthew Bucklin, may they live happily ever after.

Shit My Mom Says (While Watching TV With Me)

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Some people might think my sister and I grew up in a household where television was celebrated and appreciated, due to our love for it. Quite the contrary. Despite working in television, my mother seems to have an intense distaste for watching it. What follows is a collection of some of her best quotes as she tries to force herself to enjoy the medium:

In which Mom has a difficult time following Chuck:
“I thought he just had this other person – what happened to the blonde?”
(after scene change): “What are we watching now. It’s not even the same show.”
(during the recap): “Didn’t we already see this?”

In which Mom gets less and less polite as an episode of One Tree Hill progresses:
“This is stupid.”
“This is so lame.”
“This show is just getting creepier and creepier.”
“This is getting boring. It’s the same thing over and over.”
“That’s one of the most horrible things I’ve ever seen on television.”
BONUS – (during the zit commercial): “I guess they know their audience.”

In which Mom has a difficult time comprehending the unrealistic nature of dramatic television on One Tree Hill:
“WHY WOULDN’T SHE CALL THE POLICE?”


In which Mom attempts to emulate the inner monologue of Brooke, a fictional character on One Tree Hill:
“Get rid of Peyton so I can hook up with the guy.”

In which Mom is incredulous over the failure of Booth and Brennan (on Bones) to consummate their relationship:
“Wait, they aren’t having sex?”

In which Mom attempts to be insightful with regard to horrendous RomComs such as Made of Honor:
“At this point I can’t even figure out what’s depressing and what isn’t.”

In which Mom reacts viscerally to exciting moments:
*Cannot be fully explained in dialogue. Filled with many “OMIGOSHes” and loud screeches of laughter over things she doesn’t quite get out of context.*

In which Mom has no sympathy for secondary characters on One Tree Hill:
Owen: “I haven’t had a drink in 8 years.”
Mom: “Now is a good time to start.”

A List of Quotes From the Most Painful Vows Ever

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I actually wasted precious moments of my life reading this, and then writing about it. Quotes in the order in which they smacked me in the face and then rickashayed back at the computer screen.

I may take this sword to myself when they're done with it. Matthew Staver for NYT

1. The persistent, Type-A sunshine was perfect for Ms. Stephens, 27, and Mr. Lloyd, 28. Both are intense, hard-charging lawyers who seem to rarely stumble or pause, in their sentences or in their lives. They take the pursuit of excellence very seriously.
Translation: They’re super fun, party people. This is going to be a hell of a ride.

2. Mr. Lloyd said he enjoys projects that “sharpen my pencil intellectually.”
Translation: He likes euphemisms.

3. She was the girl who almost always wore dresses and high heels to class, yet drove a dirt-covered car filled with horseback-riding gear.
Translation: She’s a little bit country, and a little bit rock n’ roll.

4. She did drink her first glass of wine ever with him one evening, while studying French together. It was the kind of evening that should have ended in a kiss, but didn’t.
Translation: Alcohol is really necessary for two people to have a good time, but doesn’t always lead to sealing the deal, kids.

5. That fall, she was his date for the Colonnade Ball, an annual university tradition. “They play the Virginia reel,” she said. “Boys line up on one side, girls on the other. The girls curtsy and the boys bow and then you do-si-do with your partner.” They were not a bit lost on the dance floor…The ball was their watershed.
Translation: They know how to get down.

6. After that, they were a couple, always with each other and usually surrounded by books. “We’d go to the library together, and grab two carrels and study,” he said. “I’m sure my grades improved because of that.”
Translation: They really know how to get down.

7. Even while on the same campus, they gave each other handwritten love letters. Both have perfect spelling, even without a spell-checker. His letters stood out, though, for their length and literary flourishes. “My writing is straight emotion and his is beautifully done,” she said. “He would always close with, ‘Ever I remain, truly yours.’ I’d just write, ‘Love.’ ”
Translation: I can’t even make a remark about this.

8. They actually liked long-distance dating.
Translation: True love waits, guys.

9. The only time she is unhappy around him, she said, is when they are in water over her head. “He’s a big swimmer,” Ms. Stephens said. “I am not built for swimming. I am built for slow drowning.”
Translation: Well, she doesn’t like water, so she’s just a big idiot and the relationship is doomed.

10. A large portion of his home library, and dinner conversations, are devoted to subjects like why interstates and suburbs are becoming obsolete and unsustainable.
Translation: Who doesn’t like talking about how the future of most of America is doomed?

11. “Criminal cases never get boring,” she said. “I can’t get into financial crime. When greed motivates people, that’s just not as interesting.”
Translation: Yup, Ponzi schemes just have no depth to them whatsoever.

12. Their wedding at St. John’s was like them: serious, traditional, full of light but not lightness. It was a weighty ceremony.
Translation: SHOCKER. From this article thus far, I would have thought that a Chris Brown “Forever” dance was in order.

13) Canon Lewis, sounding as analytical and academic as the couple, called marriage “a wonderful confinement” and a big risk.
Translation: Well, this wedding sounds like a big upper! Let’s all go get wasted.

Alex Quotes

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1) A statement and a request from a gentleman and a scholar:
“Know your shit before you get at me.”

2) A inaccurate but very strong belief:
“Creep by TLC is the best song from the 90s.”

I may have graduated from college, but this is clearly the more important news to get across.

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