Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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ABC Family Gets You Psyched for Christmas with Angels and Dogs

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Did you know it’s the holiday season? In case the over-eagerly hung greens everywhere have not put you in sufficient holiday spirits, ABC Family wants to prepare you for Christmas, too. That’s right, it’s almost ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas time!
But wait! ABC must squeeze everything it can out of the season with the Countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas, happening now.

If you’re a TRUE fan of ABC Family original movies (definition: you own one, you search for them on YouTube and watch all parts, you watched one more than once on purpose), you’re going to ask: what high-quality, engaging, aptly titled, filmed-in-Canada-with-once-popular-stars, will ABC Family be premiering this year?

Here are your previews:

Christmas Cupid

What to look forward to: Chad Michael Murray, Christina Milian, Ashley Benson, exes, angels, a high-powered woman who’s a bitch until she falls in love, misogyny, a new Mariah Carey song. And true love, of course.

The run down: CMilian plays Sloane, a Hollywood publicist and a bitch face.  She is a bitch face because she both is a woman and works at a “high-powered” job. Her star client dies and returns as an angel, telling CMilian she needs to take a look at her past relationships and atone for misdeeds. So begins a) another story based on A Christmas Carol (did we NOT learn from Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?), and b) where CMM comes in (as one of the former BFs).

Fun fact: this movie was originally titled “Ex-Mas.”  Hats off to the person who realized that made absolutely no sense, but to whomever chose the new title, I ask: did you really try your hardest?

Watch the preview, not to be confused with Christmas Cupid Shuffle, which you should still watch, because I accidentally did. Premieres Sunday 12/12.

The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation

This is the SECOND YEAR IN A ROW ABC Family has premiered a new movie about a dog saving Christmas and consequently what makes my extreme fanship of ABC Family original movies HARD to sustain.

What to look forward to: The star dog, Zeus, is voiced by Mario Lopez. He meets a snobby poodle voiced by Paris Hilton and falls in love (this is a side plot, the main plot involves robbery foiled by the dog, duh).  Wait, what? Maybe I should watch this.

Premieres Sunday, 11/28; watch the preview here.

Stay tuned for more on what ABC Fam has gifted us with in past years, and what else to look forward to this year.  Full schedule here–yeah, it’s a pdf.  Print it. Hang it up.  Look forward.

The REAL Real Housewives

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I had never watched an episode of any Real Housewives show until New Jersey, which was so captivating because these women actually knew each other. The drive to watch Beverly Hills was similar; they knew each other, and they are actually wealthy. Hence, some actual reality in this reality tv show. I need something to latch onto other than the drama they create; I’ve realized truth has to be located somewhere within all the nonsense. And I think I won’t be disappointed. Behold, a character list:

1) Lisa VanderPump
That’s her real name, we have not stepped into an Austin Powers movie. Also her daughter is named Pandora. Pandora VanderPump. Plus, she’s British and comes fully-loaded with her own personal “Cedric, Lisa’s permanent houseguest.” He seems so stuck there and she and her husband are so weird about him and how he’s followed them around the world that they are all definitely in some threesome type situation that no one will admit to unless drunk.

Working out.


Being gorgeous.

2) Camille Grammer
She has the bangingest body I have ever seen of someone her age, though who knows what that age is, it’s certainly not on the internet. Husband Kelsey Grammar informs us that he’s okay with the reality show because, “I think it’s time for Camille to get a little attention.” Kelsey, your mouth may say that, but your face says the opposite. FORESHADOWING. Kelsey and Camille are in the middle of a divorce, and he has recently shacked up with a 28 year old, who, until she miscarried, was carrying his fifth child of four women. I really feel for Spencer, his eldest, and the star and least talented member of the fabulous ABC Family show Greek.

3) Taylor godknowswhatherlastnameisorlegitimacyforbeingonthisshow
She says, “It would be much easier to not have such enormous aspirations.” What are these aspirations Taylor? All I have seen thus far are incredibly strained dinners with your “manly” husband (who is not manly, btw) and interviews where you constantly discuss how he is going to leave you for a younger woman.

4) Kim Richards
Describes her career as a child actress as follows: “I was quite famous.” She was the little girl in Escape From Witch Mountain, which I think influences my dreams in a creepy way. Something about a lunchbox and a map and aliens…
Anyway, Kim is Paris Hilton’s aunt. She describes her niece as follows: “Paris decided that she was going to go and be…something..for herself,” something being the operative word. She then tells an entirely fake story about the paparazzi knowing her and being more impressed with her than Paris. But she has a realtor named Monty, so all is forgiven.

4) Kyle Richards
Kim’s younger sister, also was a child-actress. Lisa VanderPump says she loves her because “She’s also got a handbag fetish, that everytime she finds a new handbag, she acts like she’s found the cure for cancer.” Which is a great reason to love someone, I am so down Lisa. Kyle is dismissive of Kim’s delusional idea that she needs a bigger house because she could have another kid. This is weird, because Kyle describes her own dealing with her own life problems in a similar fashion: “…if someone upsets me in this business, I just think, screw them, I’m going to have another baby.”

There’s also this woman Adrienne, who doesn’t seem that interesting, except that she seems strangely strong for such a small woman; her husband looks at her in terror when she demonstrates a self-defense technique on some unsuspecting young man.

FORECAST: Taylor (no important last name) is for sure going to be creating the drama, not actually experiencing anything remotely interesting, which is always the least fascinating part of the show, something the people who produce New York and Atlanta should realize. Her potential feud with Kim is likewise not captivating, because Kim is just sad and confused. To quote Lisa: “Maybe she went back to ‘Witch Mountain.'”

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