Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Lady Gaga Is In An Egg: The Grammy Red Carpet 2011

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5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.

5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.

5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.

5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.

5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.

5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.

5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”

5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.

6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”

Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.

Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?

6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?

6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.

6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.

Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.

6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.

Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.

6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.

Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:

6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!

People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.

Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!

6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:

Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.

And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.

Images via Getty.

The Unlive Blog: Not Another Music Special

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Now that it’s holiday season, or now that I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that awards shows or musical television specials are some of entertainments greatest gems, we’re going to take a look at The USO Presents: VH1 Divas Live Salute the Troops

8:03 Kathy Griffin you are so funny I totally forgot you were hosting this despite the commercial I saw for VH1 Divas not but an hour ago that reminded me to watch this in the first place.

8:07 This is being filmed at the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. Top Gun was also filmed at Miramar. Fun fact.

8:11 Kathy Griffin: We’ve got an amazing show, so stay with us and watch my ass as I walk away.
Now the vignettes of personal stories from soldiers begin. Not to be too unpatriotic and jaded, but this is going to be one big ad for the army, now isn’t it?

8:12 Katy Perry is back. She’s def singing live, as she pulls a Pink and floats in from the ceiling. Apparently “California Gurls” will be both the song of the summer and forever.

8:16 Now we’re in Kuwait, where Paramore is playing LIVE. The introduction video to Camp Arifjan has not at all stereotypically been introduced with some Middle Eastern music. I will say that this girl from Paramore has a pretty sexy speaking voice, and is also horrible at playing volleyball.

8:17 But I’m not into the pink hair. It reminds me of middle school, and when Gwen Stefani had braces.

Neither of these were good times. Image via Marion Curtis/DMI/Time Life Pictures/Getty Images

8:24 Seriously Drew, I swear I will buy your lipstain. Just call and remind me. Also your family is crazy and when they say the Barrymore’s have been acting forever, they weren’t kidding, as a recent extensive wikipedia search lead me to discover. The first was born in 1849. That was a long time ago.

8:25 M.C.: Oh GRACE GRACE GRACE.
We’re confused as to how she got involved as a “diva”, but she is so pretty and talented and has again, even her speaking voice is cool.

8:27 Marisa Miller is a USO ambassador? What does that mean? She is hot. I often wonder how it took so long for her to become famous, because she really hasn’t been around until recently and is not quite a spring chicken. More a late-summer chicken.
M.C.: She does not have a good speaking voice.
Kate: When did this become what we judge everyone on during this show?

And enter…Seth, another random Army dude who will introduce the next act. He looks so serious and so unhappy but this is pretty cute…wait he’s introducing Sugarland because Jennifer Nettles is his sister?!
M.C.: I feel bad for Seth right now

8:28 I’m sorry, she has the most lesbian haircut I’ve ever seen. I also kind of dig her voice but hate it at the same time.

8:30 The addition of MC Lyte to this performance was really an interesting creative choice, especially because (to those of us who are more open-minded) they look like partners with these haircuts. Or maybe Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or maybe I just think that because they’re singing country and that show was just on…
Anyway, to relive the better days:

Jennifer: A shoutout to the women, who look very snappy in their uniforms as well!
Yup, quelling all those lesbian rumors that I’m starting so quickly.
Also, when googling Jennifer Nettles to find out more about her, I stumbled across another similar-looking country star, Miranda Lambert. In said search, I found this Yahoo! Answers gem:

8:32 Jersey Shore in 2 minutes. They don’t even say “The Cast of” or “Snooki and the Situation.” Just Jersey Shore. That poor location.

8:36 Commercial for Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business. What kind of family business? Like a hardware store? I wonder if he and Kim K. still talk secretly.

8:37 M.C.: I love how Kathy is wearing really trashy versions of “uniforms.”
Kathy Griffin: (On Bristol Palin) She’s the only contestant in the history of the show to gain weight…she’s like the white Precious. You can boo louder than that! I love it!…War is hell, war is hell!
The audience is not having any of this.
“So we gotta talk about Jersey Shore….” And then they applaud.

8:39 Snooki: Can you help us o the next introduciton marine? ‘Cmon, just read the lines marine.

8:40 Grace Potter again! M.C. sits up.
She looks fly. I want that dress for New Years. And her hair is so Heidi Klum.
SHE IS SO GOOD. BRB I’M JUST FREAKING OUT.
M.C.: Her dress is tiny. She’s somehow rocking it.
Kate: Her teeth are amazing.

8:47 MC I think the Grace Potter site is crashing right now, because so many people are visiting it.
Update: M.C. was indeed right

This (like Oprah and Groupon) is the perfect example of the deep connection between the internet and tv.
Grace Potter: Everybody needs rock and roll…everybody needs a good fist pump every once and a while, and I’m here to give it to them.
It’s interesting she thinks of herself as rock and roll and not bluegrass or country or something, or all three.
Wendy’s and VH1 have teamed up to make some sort of video called “Sacrifice and Support”, about mothers and military children.

8:55 These shots from below (the audience) make Nicki Minaj’s ass look even bigger.
VH1 apparently agrees that this is worth discussing:

9:01 OMG T.I. on Storytellers.
M.C.: I love T.I.
Kate: If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again — most symmetrical face ever.
Next we get an ad that tells us that “Sunday is the night…on VH1.” What kind of night, you may ask? The underlying subtext seems to be that sunday is the night for black people, with back to back episodes about Brandy and Ray J, basketball wives, and football wives.

(You’ll notice some time has passed. Things happened, they just weren’t that interesting).

9:37 FLOTUS aka Michelle Obama. Wait is she there?! Oh no, it’s just a video. She has lovely eyebrows.

9:45 Uh oh, after the break, a final Katy Perry song. They are really pushing her, much like she is pushing her boobs. And it’s “Firework”, duh. Her sparkly red dress has a very long slit, but I think she’s wearing a leotard underneath? But all of this is ruined because SHE HAS SEE-THRU PLASTIC STRAPS HOLDING HER DRESS UP.

9:53 Coolest commercial ever.

The show was alright. Loved the updated old school aesthetic, and the general respect for the troops without bringing politics into it. And I swear, I won’t do another Unlive blog soon because I’m sure they’ve beginning to drag on. It’s just with the holidays, there are sooo many good specials, what’s a girl to do?

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