Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Every Thug Needs A Lady

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If you follow me on Grooveshark (yes, people actually do, and to those people: I’m sorry that I listen to Soul Decision’s “Faded” every day), you will see that today I created a playlist entitled “Middle School”.  Elementary school gave me many songs that would become representative of major experiences in my life–among them, “Ghetto Superstar”. Once at Sports Camp our section had to participate in a camp-wide lipsyncing contest and we unanimously chose “Ghetto Superstar”. Let me clarify that none of us could relate to the subject matter on a personal level, nor did we realize that the chorus was a rewrite of “Islands in the Stream”. I wanted to do the Mya lipsyncing part and was certain that I could do it better than the limp haired girl who ended up doing it, but I wasn’t brave enough to put myself up for it as I knew I would never be allowed to leave the house in the tube top and short skirt that such a role demanded. My mother wasn’t a fool. I don’t think I was even allowed to own a tubetop.

Anyway. Middle School. What was the music that really influenced me during those formative years? Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon? Fleetwood Mac? The Beatles’ White Album? No, it was the early 2000s and I was an Indian girl living in the South Bay Area of California, and my vision of the perfect boyfriend was an older boy who drenched himself in Acqua di Gio and drove a Honda Civic with rims and tinted windows. This is the music that I lived and dreamt to:

1. Every Ja Rule song.

A highlight I liked to rap along with: “Stop the complaints and drop the order restraints, our sex life’s a game so back me down in the paint”

What?

2. Nivea ft. Jagged Edge: “Don’t Mess With My Man”.

I did not have a man but this song made me sure that if I ever did, I wouldn’t take no bitches trynna take my baby. Cause it would have been hard to find a brother that was down for me, you know?

3. Ludacris ft. Shawna: “Fantasy”

This was literally the raciest song I had ever heard. It still might be. Primarily, I learned that there is something called a 50 yard line on a football field, and that Ludacris could lick and spank women in many different public locations, including libraries. No one was safe.

4. Amanda Perez: “Angel”

Look I grew up in South San Jose and she was “of Mexican descent” so I listened to it a lot okay? I later found out that she was from Fort Wayne, Indiana and felt vaguely tricked.

5. Truth Hurts ft. Rakim: “Addictive”

A woman with the stage moniker “Truth Hurts” sampled an old Hindi film song. I didn’t understand Hindi or anything, but I am Indian and so my friend Shweta and I,  the only two Indian girls among our middle school friends, got pretty excited when this came on at the middle school dance. It was like the only song I could claim having some deeper understanding of that my classmates presumably could not access. “This is actually from an Indian song”, I would say knowingly. I recall moving my body to this song in a way that I thought vaguely suggested “sexy bellydance”, but that in retrospect looked more like “Bollywood-theme party stripper having a seizure”. (Note to Indian girls everywhere: Stop.)

6. Kylie Minogue: “Can’t Get You Outta My Head”

I always wondered how her boobs didn’t fall out of that deep cowlneck in the video. After watching it every day, my school dance style changed from Oriental epilepsy to a disjointed kind of rhythmic pulsing born of my belief that I looked beautifully caught up in the music, captured in the lights of the colored disco ball just like Kylie was caught in the light of the setting sun on the rooftop at the end of the video. I don’t think I really grasped how much of that “caught in the light” thing was about camera work and a magical thing called special effects.

7. That KC and Jojo or whatever song they would play during slow dances.

One you’re like a dream come true. Two, just wanna be with you. Three, cause it’s plain to see that you’re the only one for me. Four, repeat steps one through three. Five, make you fall in love with me, if ever I believe my work is done, then I’ll start back at one. I’m pretty sure that 1-3 don’t qualify as “steps” to revisit, and that they are instead vague statements and observations. I was usually not asked to slow dance, but I comforted myself by being embarrassed for everyone who was slow dancing to this song–weren’t they listening to the lyrics, awkwarddd!

Lady Gaga Is In An Egg: The Grammy Red Carpet 2011

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5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.

5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.

5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.

5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.

5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.

5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.

5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”

5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.

6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”

Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.

Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?

6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?

6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.

6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.

Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.

6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.

Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.

6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.

Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:

6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!

People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.

Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!

6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:

Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.

And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.

Images via Getty.

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