Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

The 2011 Totally Underwhelming Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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We watched with a straight male this time! Alex M. fills us in on his thoughts. With LC, street fashion expert extraordinaire, plus the usual suspects.

9:00 pm Now, just catch the hottest women in the world.
What is this Black Swan revamp? It’s like last year is over again.
I believe these girls are supermodels in the only sense that supermodels exist right now. It is like the ’80s again.

9:01 pm And the ballet theme continues. Molly: Is this happening right now?
A mad yell about Bey is heard ’round the world!

They are blurring out the first models ass! Let me know if the internet has a pic, I couldn’t find it. I believe she was wearing some sort of yellow bottoms.

9:03 pm
True Blood is here. Don’t worry, this show is now officially sexy.

They are editing like they have ADD.
LC: Can you imagine being orlando bloom BTW?

9:06 pm Model: “The moment I stood on the runway, I felt like I became a woman.”

9:07 pm Karlie Kloss, 19-year-old first timer, is the American Dream y’all. AND THEN SHE SAYS THAT SHE’S LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM. Karlie, you and I = same mind.

9:09 pm Kanye talks about how he was supposed to be here in 2007 to sing this Daft Punk song. A. That was a really long time ago. B. Way to make it a downer.

Superheroes is a cool choice. Molly: This is like a retro little boys dream.

9:11 pm Sexy jetson time

LC: Love Chanel’s ombre hair.

9:16 pm “Seductive latin spanish references.”

LeeAnn Rimes what? Where is Eddie? Did Brandi have him for the night?

Alex: All the guys behind the scenes are bald black guys with British accents.

It’s whats his face from the Britney video and the other movie where he maybe died? Stephen Dorf?

9:20 pm Oh my gosh pictures of us when we didnt have these tits! Alex M.: I had no idea how hot I was going to become.

Alessandra wanted to be a doctor and an astronaut. Don’t worry, you basically made it.
“It seems like another life, these pictures.”

9:22 pm Anne v. and Maroon 5 sex it up AGAIN. To be coming.
This slower commerical is really sexy in a different way. And this CBS happy holidays commercial is super cute.

9:28 pm “It’s just like a beautiful fantasy.” My beautiful dark twisted fantasy?

This flashback of previous years is just making me miss previous years.

AQUATIC SECTION

9:30 pm Glittery mermaid.

Why am I so attracted to Adam Levine; he has a tattoo of los angeles on his arm. And his girlfriend looks like she has no neck with this outfit, I would sue.

9:33 pm I would have worn the shit out of this outfit when I was a kid.

9:40 pm Jay Z. thanks for bringing the a game two-thirds of the way through the show.
Alex: Are they going to show Beyonce here? I draw lifeforce from her.
(THEY DO. BEY IS PREG AND IN WHITE.)

I love Kanye’s leather leggings.

“There’s more to meet the eye” with VS.
Alex: Yea, just look down.

9:44 pm ERIN the angel is extremely intelligent so we’ll put her in glasses and with an iPad that says “I Heart Geeks.”
Steamy sultry turn of the century New Orleans meets antebellum mixed with boudoir.

9:46 pm I love those pink leather gloves.

9:52 pm NEON. PINK, despite the fact that they insist on calling it “Club Pink”, is always the best, plus they have Nicki Minaj, who is definitely hungover, because these vocals are not their strongest.

9:57 pm Of course they end on Gaga “Born This Way.”
LC: I mean, it’s so unfair that they were born that way. Not to ruin it.

And The Kim K Circus Rolls On

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Editors’ Note: This time, with less males.

8:02 pm We’re trying on wedding dresses again.

Kris calls Kris (momager) Granny?
According to Kim, everyone hates Kris first, and then they love him. And according to Kourtney, “Everyone’s in the hating him phase.”

Kim WENT TO MINNESOTA. I didn’t think she knew that place existed. In MN, she says, “We really need to have a talk about the dog memorabilia,” to which Kris (caveman) responds, “Those photos were professionally done.” She then counters by attacking his choice to have family photos by his bed, by saying “do you want to have sex and have those there?” Of course, Kim’s house is full of photos of her so…

8:04 pm Bruce and Kloe get cute. OMG. And according to Kris (momager), you can never be too honest.

8:06 pm “Even the grocery carts in Minnesota are weird,” according to Kim.
Picking up a copy of a magazine that apparently has Kim on the cover, Kris (caveman) remarks, “50 sex moves? I’ve only seen about three.” God I love them in Minnesota.
Stars: They’re just like us! They read magazines about themselves at the grocery store.
I like that Kim is hating on Khloe for not wanting to go to Minnesota when it’s like…hello do I even need to spell it out.

8:11 pm Molly sees the pistachio commercial for the first time and remarks “I can’t believe they’re having him in green.”

8:15 pm Kris (caveman) reminds Kim of bruce. uhoh.
Kris (caveman) wants to stay in Minnesota so “we can just start pumping out babies.” It’s cool that he’s honest about what people do there.
Kim: I think I fell in love with you because you could handle my career. Romantic.
(5 minutes later)
8:20 pm Kim: Definitely the thing O love the most about Kris is that he acts like a big kid. But then it annoys me.
Rob: On our way to Vegas and of course we’re flying commercial (ooooooh crazy hands).

Scott to Kris (caveman): What are you, a baby?

8:29 pm Kris (caveman) and Lamar decide to reenact The Lion King while at a club..

Kris (caveman): This is your world.
Lamar: It’s yours now too.

8:31 pm I WANT MORE OF KRIS’ (MOMAGER) MOM.
It’s Maria Menounos, my favorite fake star.
Kris (momager) says, “There is no way I’m letting Kim change her name.” Molly: Says the Manager, not the Mom.

Commercial break: “I’ve always been passionate about walking,” says Brook Burns.
Kourtney on whether Kim should change her name: “I think it’s a good idea if that’s what she wants to do.” Always the voice of reason.
Lamar at cheer camp is amazing. They almost look like a normal family.

8:43 pm Even Kris (momager) can’t hide the fact that it’s ridiculous that Kim is wearing three dresses to her wedding. Don’t worry, she’ll wear spanx.

8:52 pm Honesty is the best policy, again this episode?
Kourtney: This stickiness has now leaked through the paper towel.
Khloe: I would buy a hump rope.

8:57 pm Kim refers to Minnesota as “Yee-haw Minnesota.” Kris (caveman) responds with, “Nine years ago you sold clothes in a bo-tique in the valley. And now all of a sudden you’re Miss Princess.”

9:00 pm Kris (caveman) says he grew a mustache because he’s “just expressing himself.”

Watching a couple fight over seating is amazing. “You’re switching the Temples?” snaps Kris (caveman) in a tense tone. I am impressed that the editors made it appear in the commercials that they were fighting over a pre-nup.

9:08 pm Why is Rob wearing a sweatshirt at the rehearsal dinner tonight?

9:18 pm Kim is taking fabric from one of her dad’s shirts and is cutting a heart out and is sewing it into where her heart is in the dress.
Her emotional breakdown about her dad is one of the few real moments I’ve seen on this show.

9:27 pm This LivingSocial plug after Kim’s emotional moments is really the crassest juxtaposition this show has done yet.

9:34 pm We haven’t seen them without make-up in such a long time. It’s amazing. As usual, Mason is stealing the show.

BEDAZZLED CROSS What. OMG Tre fab, as Kloe would say.
Kris (caveman) and Bruce are having a heart-to-heart but all I can look at is Kris’ stache. At least everyone else agrees and their is groomsman debate about it.

9:37 pm Say what you want about Kim having an extravagant wedding, she gives her mom earrings.
Maria Menounos with Joe Francis what?!
MJ the nana has a white manicure. Like, to die for.

9:39 pm Kris decides to shave his mustache right before the wedding as his last bit of control.

9:45 pm Mason is stealing the show and Kris (caveman) knows it.

And emerging from the foliage is…

9:55 pm Dina Lohan and Babyface. What. This is surreal.
Brittny Gastineau catches the bouquet.
Molly: Did anyone realize how horribly spelled her first name is.

The Chris Harrison and Patti Stanger Show

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To their horror, Molly and MC’s ramblings about last night’s The Bachelorette episode were published too early. But out of them, we’ve gotten one sprinkling of a brilliant idea.

BRAVO, we’re waiting for our check.

The Night We Should Have Taken Shots Everytime Ashley Said Bentley

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Also known as The Night the Two Josh Grobans Faced Off

This explains all you need to know about this episode.


Yea, so after the artist formally known as Bentley left, the producers thought, hey, let’s whisk Ashley away to Thailand where she won’t remember anything that has happened to her. Except, just like in SATC2, she does remember, except no one gets diarrhea, thank god. Of course, we barely get to see how the guys get to Thailand; all we see is a peace sign being thrown up by Ryan in the airport.

Ashley is the friend you have that won’t stop talking about her ex, with ex being code for guy she made out with a few times who she never really dated (am I that friend? Do not discuss). And now that we’re in Thailand, her problems have just changed continents, except now we get some token asian music and a lot of rain. Molly says, “Minor chords!” I say, it was obviously cheaper to do this trip during the off season, and there is only so much a nice umbrella can do.

Josh Groban #1, also known as Constantine, gets a one-on-one. He looks different and improved in Thailand. Thai hair, says Molly.

On the Group Date, we discover that Sir William is still alive. We’re pretty sure that there are a few Ashley’s keeping around just to have sex with — Bentley was one, and “I played for the Yankees for a hot second” Nick is another. Also did you know there was a tsunami here recently? Watch the news, guys.

Josh Groban # 2 (Ben F.) gets a one-on-one date after he charms Ashley at an orphanage with his artistic side, which is not code for his penis. She draws an Ashley flower which is not code for her vagina. Nick does nothing but play with a hula hoop on said group date.

On his date, Ben F. says both “I felt like you were kind of buzzing around me” and “Ruh roh.” To which I say, Ben F., you remind me too much of a guy that I date(d) (we’ll keep the mystery alive).

The most important news from this episode is that Molly is now a fan of “Quasimodo” Ames. She says that “this Thai air is doing something to his features.” I think his hair is longer and the humidity makes it curly. Though Ames seems unaware that their lack of making out is not a good sign, Ashley is the one that fouls up this scenario. In my notes, I wrote “Why does she always ask about old ladies?” which I think translates to “Why does she always ask about the ex-girlfriends of these men?” She also references Titanic when on a boat with Ames, which makes me worry she hasn’t actually seen how that movie ends.

Blake the dentist has a few good quotes as well. He claims that sweet, sweet Ryan “swoops in, and it just screams of foul play.” He says that “Constantine is a gamer,” and the whole thing “Chaps my ass.” And finally, about the show: “That’s the nature of this beast — everyone’s going after the same piece of fruit.” He then becomes the whistleblower to Ryan on how no one else likes him, but this only prompts Ryan to say to the camera, “What, you can’t hang with the fact that I’m freakin’ happy a lot? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not grumpy…Think of all our soldiers that are overseas now. Why wouldn’t you be happy here?”

Most importantly, JP and Ashley get a moment on the beach. Molly: They are not touching enough. Bring in the bluetinis! (Note: There was a lot of blue lighting and blue alcohol in this episode). They just go from making out to GET IN MY LOVE SUITE. She also says that Ashley would be a FOOL not to pick him, but obvi she is one, because he’s a sane guy who actually likes her, is hot, and a good kisser.

Ultimately, Wes is sent home, which is really just Ashley sending herself home — she can’t commit to a guy who’s ready to move on, because she has horrible taste in men and isn’t ready for this. Wes’ final speech proves that he’s too deep for this show. Ashley chooses Lucas as her first, a man with whom she has no chemistry, because she doesn’t really want to be doing this and feels like she needs some sort of redemption from Brad’s season. Wise move on the producer side: when she speaks with Chris, he’s very particular when he says potential with Bentley “was in her heart and mind.” Good save Chris. We know the truth. And we’re reminded that this is The Bachelorette and there “are no rules” because Ashley gets to keep another guy. Just more proof she’s not ready to commit to anyone, and you know what Ash — that’s ok. Just admit it.

Ashley is insecure quotes:
I feel like I have a little bit of my heart back, so I’m ready to start giving a little bit of it away.
I don’t just think everyone likes me. I don’t think everyone wants to be with me.
Tell me about your past relationships
I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again.

It’s Hard To Create A Bracket With This Many Stellar Options

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I had big plans for my first season of The Bachelorette; I’d create a complicated bracket and gather the best and the brightest to vote (well, MC would do the bracket, as I couldn’t organize one to save my life). A bottle of SkinnyGirl, or perhaps pink champagne would go to the winner.

But as the first episode loomed, it because clear there were just too many options, and some research revealed that a real bracket won’t really be feasible until we get down to a more manageable number, say 8. So in the coming weeks, we’ll start to figure out our Best Bets, No Gos, and Eh candidates until the MADNESS becomes more obvious.

The Highlights (Some come with highlights)

Ellen Degeneres/Lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber

The three Josh Grobans

The Ashley of this season aka the next Bachelor, Ryan P.

Best subject of an accidental pun
Tim got wasted at the get-together and fell asleep. Ashley sent him home in a van, and was sad for him about this “wasted opportunity,” not even calling out the amazing pun she had just created. Ironically, he is a liquor distributor from Long Beach, so you think he’d be able to hold it together.

“Juicy Tips”
Nick was on the Yankees for a hot second and has a soul patch. Molly has dubbed him “Juicy Tips” for his steroid-enhanced figure and his lovely hair.

Quasimodo
Ames here managed to make it through, despite having a crooked face and telling us that he went to “Yale, which is in Connecticut.”

The Butcher
I don’t have a fancy name for him; he really is a butcher. But sadly, he’s back to New Jersey, where he can marry a girl who better not be a vegan (that’s not me, he really pondered whether or not the Bachelorette would eat meat with his Dad). I will miss his dramatic entrances and exits, and awesome looks towards the camera.

Too many J. Crews to count; we need more clothing line-related subdivisions

I obviously can’t claim myself a Bachelorette afficionado, but there a few things I’m concerned about this season. One is Bentley, the man whose parents are either rich or wanted to pretend to be. He was called out before the show as being a guy whose just about the fame. But for some reason, his relative good looks have charmed her, because if the excellent editing of the show’s promo tells us anything, he’s going to screw her over. In this episode alone, he told the cameras “Even though I’m not that attracted to [Ashley], I’m overly competitive.” In the promo, he says that he wishes The Bachelorette would have been Emily, and claims things would have been “different” if she had been.

I worry about Ashley’s potential for harm. In the premiere, she says to her 25 men “I hope you guys are happy it was me.” This doesn’t bode well; she doesn’t appear to be the confident woman she’s remade herself as. We also see a conversation between her and Chris where she essentially puts all the blame for her failed relationship with Brad on her own shoulders. This is the type of woman who isn’t ready to settle down, and instead is ready to get hurt by guys like Bentley. And it worries me, not because I know her or know anything, but because from my limited knowledge, this is a dialogue seen much more in seasons of The Bachelorette than The Bachelor. For example, Ali and the debacles that were Justin and Frank in the last season of this show.

This isn’t to say that women don’t go on the show for the same reason, only that there’s some sort of trend with Bachelorette’s being duped, or with the show’s producers wanting us to see them that way. I know it is the job of the editors to provide intrigue, but my viewing partners and I were not left with a particularly uplifting feeling at the end about this season. Though there were a few choice moments:

– Some baby man saying “If you cant take the heat, get out of the oven.” Why are you in an oven…

– A man wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask got the first rose! Perhaps this is a statement that looks don’t matter on what may society’s greatest example that they so, so do? Though when is the jig going to be up? It’s get to the point when Ashley is less intrigued and more creeped out. It’s also likely one of the other contestants will punch him in the face soon, because he never takes off the mask and that’s weird…

– West, from North Carolina, lost his wife of seven years when she died of seizure by drowning in the bathtub, and yes, he was the one who found her. Bentley, good luck, but this guy is Emily’s soul mate.

Last Night’s Bachelor Finale, In Tweets

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Disclaimer: We were sitting next to each other during this experience. Hashtags that we tried to get to become a thing: #unlikechantal. It’s similar to that game where you add “in bed” to everything except less topical.

KATE [TheSSKate]



JESSIE [jessiereu]

My Evening

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So tonight, Molly and MC and I were sitting in the kitchen while some chili stewed in Molly’s new Le Creuset (exactly what the French intended it to be used for, I’m sure) and Passion Pit’s “To Kingdom Come” starts playing. And Molly says, “This reminds me of the music that played during Mario Kart, you know, on the Rainbow Road?” And I’m like, “No, I never played N64, because, oh you know, GENDER STEREOTYPES, not having a brother, my parents thought video games were Satan’s children.” So, wisely assuming that someone else noticed this first, she googled away and we found this.

And don’t worry, the creator isn’t really this bad at the game:

Also MC’s dad likes Passion Pit. That is all.

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