And not in Men in Black 500. It looks like in this movie, he and Meryl make Steve Carell look young and lovely by comparison.
I’m thoroughly pleased that Meryl seems hellbent on popularizing a new sub-genre of Romantic Comedy called something like “old people rediscovering their sexual selves in well-lit scenes and laughing about it.”
7:27 pm Now we’re trying to out-Greek yogurt each other? “Possibly the best Greek yogurt in the world.” POSSIBLY?
7:31 pm Classic Billy Crystal into where he steps into movies. His face hurts a lot. This might be funnier if I had seen any of these.
Tamara: Was that a Men’s Warehouse joke?
Billy is wearing coattails. He looks even shorter.
It sounds like someone’s phone has a terrible ringtone. (NOTE: FURTHER IN THE SHOW WE WILL REALIZE THIS IS HAPPENING ON EVERYONE’S TV, THANK GOD.)
Christopher: Upp, European teeth.
If Billy Crystal made the Jonah Hill fat joke about a woman, the world would explode.
Tone down the orchestra.
7:43 pm Someone won already? Hugo for Cinematography and Production Design. Why is this husband and wife team not sitting together? Her face looks like Donatella Versace’s.
Pharrell brought out the wannabee steel drums.
They just showed a shot of Jennifer Lopez from The Back-up Plan.
McDonald’s commercial — he’s definitely not going to love you if you keep eating those fries girl.
7:53 pm “I’ll have what she’s having.” Rob Reiner’s mother made it into the the Academy Awards!
J.Lo: there will be nipple. Costume Design goes to The Artist, a period piece, shocker. Make-up will too. Goes to The Iron Lady.
7:58 pm Weird moment with Cameron and J.Lo that cannot be explained. “Thanks Meryl, for keeping me employed for the last 34 years.” Woah sir.
8:05 pm Sandra Bullock looks SO serious. Makes reference to China, which is just so funny and oppressed and probably not allowed to watch this show. A Separation wins, and the fact that this dude wrote his speech out, it seems legit.
Is that Nick Nolte’s son? Ouch.
Christian Bale is SO. HOT.
I swear Octavia Spencer is sitting next to Billy Crudup. I swear it.
8:19 pm Did Christopher Guest do this little bit? Plus 1.
Everyone says Bradley Cooper is gay? Not I. Though I guess he did date Renee…
Film editing is my favorite category no joke. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins. We’re debating who we would date of these two. “We’re the editors, so, thank you,” they basically say. Hugo wins for Sound Editing; Bradley Cooper says “Yeah.” And the winners give a great speech: “I just basically want to thank everybody” is the gist, but funny.
Sound Mixing, a totally different category than Sound Editing. Hugo wins, again. The guy who gets up there has shoulders like the dude from The Incredibles.
8:34 pm We got the Muppets and Cirque in the stage. Tell me, people who know, how this works.
The Frenchman is really trying to make it in America.
8:40 pm Robert Downey Jr. just Tebowed? Gwyneth is without cape but looks good. Also look at her lack of botox! Girlfriend’s face is moving all over the place.
Best Doc winners for Undefeated are hot. BLEEEEPPPP.
8:46 pm Academy: We invited Chris Rock, so we’re not racist. Rango wins. Tamara confuses Gore Verbinski with Gore Vidal and was wondering why he won Best Animated movie. The real Gore thanks “the real world chameleon Mr. Johnny Depp.”
8:51 pm Emma Stone is drunk and loving Visual Effects. A subtle dig at Anne Hathaway and she’s winning the moment. Hugo wins the real moment though, after much discussion in my living room over whether Planet of the Apes was good.
9:01 pm Rooney Mara actually looks happy as Christopher Plummer wins for Best Supporting Actor. We’re trying to not be ageist but we’re being ageist. “When I first emerged from my mother’s womb…” he says.
Tamara: Jonah Hill has had bitchface on all night. Elaine, his “long-suffering wife” is a lot younger than him.
9:09 pm Billy Crystal pretending to read the minds of audience members is the first time he’s been good this night.
MUSIC. Penelope Cruz comes out. Tamara: She’s from Spain, so we have to play this music. The Artist wins, by a dude “who has no formal training.” Christopher: He’s a HACK.
Best Original Song. Bret Mackenzie is still, I believe, the less sexy Conchord.
9:24 pm Angelina, a lot of vag. Look at that pose. And the makeup that she did herself. Remember when she didn’t look like this? Actually looks like a call girl. Her forehead is starting to get a Julia Robert’s quality.
Adapted Screenplay — “Our beautiful Italian flower!”
Woody Allen is such a dick and doesn’t show up for winning for Midnight in Paris.
Christopher on a local Bank of America commercial: I assume this is only showing here.
9:36 pm Mila aka hottie who got to grind some nerds. Bridesmaids. On size mattering — Maya Rudolph: Yes but not length. Tuba Atlantic does not win, but the dude that does says “Now I don’t have to wait until the wedding to tell the world how brilliant she is.” Legitimately crying now.
Camera does not know where Documentary Feature is. Of course. I love the way people who actually are from Pakistan say Pakistan. Sharmeen! She won.
9:50 pm Oh my god, you. Best Director. I find Michel Hazanavicius very sexy. “I am the happiest director in the world right now.” Yes, there is definitely no one happier than you on earth right now.
Meryl looks like Caesar’s Palace and it’s phenomenal.
10:03 pm IN MEMORIAM. Christopher is more interested in his dead phone than these dead people. His hand/eye coordination is affecting his texting.
10:10 pm BEST ACTOR. Good thing Natalie is scripted this year. Love it when they all try to act like they’re friends. She should have just memorized this. I mean, isn’t she an actress.
French man has someone who does his eyebrows “well.”
Alex: [Uggie] is totally the dog from Frasier.
Ari: He’s not! MOOSE DIED.
WE ARE FRENCH WE DO THIS.
10:23 pm Oh right, Colin Firth won last year. I liked him with the greyer hair.
Colin: “Meryl. Mamma Mia…I was gay, we were happy….You are unreasonably good.”
Wait, he and Michelle worked on Dawson’s Creek together? And she was his mentor? That’s what we’re getting from this.
MERYL WOAH. She goes over to Viola of course. “When they called my name I could hear everyone in American say, ‘Ohhhh not her.’ Well, whatever.” She and her hairstylist both won and they call each other out.
Kate: How can you hate?
Chris: (I can. I can) No I can’t!
10:32 pm And we’re ending the night on Tom Cruise. That’s depressing. War Horse, amirite?
And, The Artist wins. Chris: Harvey Fierstein is just like “YESSSSSSSS.”
“I would like to say very very important things.” And you shall sir. You shall.
7:01 pm Angelina and Brad look TERRIBLE.
From later in the evening — see?
Meryl Streep is wearing a chip clip in her hair.
“ContROVosee.” Brits are weird. Jodie Foster reaches for the wine.
“I don’t care” that everyone here hates me. Yes you do Ricky.
7:05 pm “Dame Helen Mirren’s got good PR but she’s usually terrible.” Nice Ricky. I hope that one day I am referred to Dame Kate Dries.
Why was Amanda Peet wearing glasses? Sorry girl. You have become Lake Bell but not as cool.
Ricky to Johnny Depp: “Have you seen The Tourist yet?” Johnny isn’t such a good actor, because he’s having a hard time faking interest in that joke.
7:08 pm Gerard Butler looks like Wolverine. Alex: Do not insult Hugh Jackman.
Wouldn’t it be funny if Kenneth Branagh lost to Jonah Hill?
Don’t worry, Christopher Plummer won. They don’t cut to Jonah Hill when Plummer is thanking his fellow nominees. Way to start this night off with a bang with an old rambly person, who calls Ewan McGregor Ewan “my hearts in the highlands” McGregor
7:13 pm Elle Macpherson is sashaying like a saltshaker.
Zooey Deschanel has weird ’60s style hair, sorry Zo. Tina Fey peaks behind Amy Poehler. Love them.
Laura Dern’s “mother” on Enlightened is wearing an inflatable vest or parka.
7:19 pm Julianne Moore a. why are you holding hands with Rob Lowe b. you always have emerald green we get that you are a redhead c. why put a ruffle around your hips.
Mini-series is actually an impressive category this year.
The woman in Downton who looks like Katie Holmes is wearing a nice dress. Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore are suddenly part of Downton Abbey on this stage, and look okay with it.
7:23 pm Kate Winslet! Who apparently has a new boyfriend. Her dress is too short.
Why is Diane Lane sitting next to Susan Sarandon’s daughter?
7:32 pm Jeremy Irons puts his arm around the pres of the HFP, as if to protect her from the bloggers.
Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a double-breasted suit.
Paula Patton, is Rachel still dressing you? You should fire her.
Have gotten Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney confused twice tonight. Both hot.
7:38 pmHomeland wins. Christopher loves.
Debate begins between two members of the group who are still watching House. I have now found the last two people on earth who watch house.
Who did Tina Fey and Amy fuck to get to sit next to each other?
7:42 pm Alex wants to know why there are no cats in the Google Chrome ad.
7:46 pm Christopher: These are all really good scores actually (right before the War Horse comes on).
“I’m sorry I’m French.” Quote of the night.
Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas! Their love knows no bounds.
7:51 pm Madonna’s voice is lots of accents. Mary J. Blige is like “Fuck this why did I even bother.
Don’t worry, I just poured red wine on my sock.
7:57 pm Deborah, you should also fire Rachel Zoe.
7:59 pm Everyone is getting played off, even Idris.
Brad Pitt needs to put the cane away. Angelina needs to put away her terrible old lady makeup and dress.
Drinking Moet, like the wealthy they are.
Seth, that joke about your private parts is not good enough for you. “Congratulations. Hi,” Seth says to Michelle. Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself.
“I consider myself a mother first and and actress second.” – Michelle Williams. Would a man ever say that?
8:07 pm “Snapshot Stalkers.” I love the 10 o’clock news.
I had no idea Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar were good enough friends to play dueling skirts onstage.
8:10 pm Peter Dinklage: “I haven’t seen Mildred Pierce but I’m sure it’s good.”
I don’t know how people can get upset about the Kardashian’s and not get upset about Jessica Alba (who was styled by Brad Goreski. I know you need the money Brad but ugh).
Nicole, can you sit down in that? Should I be worried? Clive Owen has started with the spraytan. Nicole has to make up his acceptance speech because Woody Allen couldn’t be bothered for winning for Best Screenplay for what was actually a good movie! Blah blah Woody.
Jessica Lange: This award is just a topper on the cake that is my life!
8:30 pmUP ALL NIGHT. Megan Mullaly! Something to look forward to.
Madonna wins. “I grew up watching movies”…in this small British enclave outside of Detriot — Christopher as Madonna.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to people we don’t care about. But, “He’s kind of dreamy on the right” says Christopher.
SLOTAT (Secret Life of the American Teenager) spotting.
8:34 pm Is Dustin Hoffman dying?
The actress from Necessary Roughness was nominated? “My generation” Claire Danes wins so Christopher is happy. You did previously win for My So-Called Life!
The Golden Globes theme song is better if you sing it like scatting.
8:42 pm Emily Blunt rock it.
Why did they cut to Sascha Baron Cohen during Tina Fey’s presentation? Sometimes I think the dudes in the control room are just bored.
Thomas Jane really is a douche. WHATTTT Eric Stonestreet looks (fairly) pissed that he lost to Matt LeBlanc. Could he be more bored?
8:47 pm I think they got Bradley Cooper to present that award because he speaks French.
“I would to thank table 10” – Octavia Spencer
8:56 pm Morgan…Freeman. Oh god this is going to be dull.
What has he been in?
9:03 pm “I can’t tell you what it feels like…” for a girl? He says in his acceptance speech.
Alex: I have yet to see it be a good year for Latinos. Another L’Oreal comemercial: Irish. Australian. Italian. Truematch. Etc. W3 nudebeige.
9:11 pm Robert Downey Jr. for shame! That penguin tux. Christopher: Rumor has it, no longer sober.
“Daring euphoric golden globe best film motion picture for best comedy.”
So he’d never won the oscar and now he’s won the oscar and he’ll never stop winning re: Marty.
I wonder who was responsible for making sure Ricky had decreasing amounts of liquor in that cup.
Wow it’s taken this long to mention either Glee or Modern Family. I didn’t know how good I had it
Phil is wearing a white jacket though! Christopher: I wore a white jacket to my prom. It did not look good. The dude told me I’d look like Frank Sinatra.
Julie Bowen and Sophia Vergara do really hate each other. Julie’s just mad she looks like Glinda.
“Up next, Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel.” Oh good, I can take my nap then.
WAIT RYAN GOSLING IS NOT THERE. “Hey girl, sorry I couldn’t attend.”
Hello hello hello we are so French say the people from The Artist. “I’m French too!” Maybe he’s the French Jon Hamm.
“Just the right amount of wrong.” I really enjoy these commercials.
9:35 pm Meryl looks like she might die. Took off her glasses just in time for this award. Does Meryl get a teleprompter for her speech? David Fincher does not want to go up and give Meryl her glasses! No music for Meryl! God = Harvey Weinstein.
9:41 pm Remember Natalie’s terrible speeches last year? Glad we won’t get a repeat of that.
9:48 pm Wow Natalie wanted to get off that stage and back to tending to her dress.
George Clooney has officially made me not like him anymore. Congratulations.
Christopher congratulates Michael Fassbender on his “mega-peen.”
If my mom could have her way, she’d be a combo of Diane Keaton, Meryl and Jane Fonda.
9:54 pm If you didn’t know from the music, The Descendants takes place in Hawaii.
The Golden Globes literally just ended with Alexander Payne thanking my Uncle John! Gotta rep the lawyers. This is how Tilda Swinton feels about that:
And we’ll leave you with this photo, where you can determine for yourself if Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy look alike.