Editors’ Note: There were men here for this one. They were pretty shocked with what they had to see.
7:03 pm Kim is wearing a see-thru tuxedo shirt. Do not discuss.
7:05 pm E! has decided to blur out a dog pooping.
Josh thinks Kris'(momager) office looks like Lex Luther’s.
7:09 pm Kris (momager) has a totally different face .
Josh: Re: Bruce “That dude looks like if Dave Coulier was a lesbian. And is Kim glued to that guy’s lap?
7:14 pm Humira is, in fact, for rheumatoid arthritis. Point one for Josh.
Kris (momager) wears so many 80s blazers I would like to see just the 80s blazer portion of her closet.
7:17 pm Kris (caveman) wants dogs in the bed. Little, little dogs. Josh: I like this guy.
Kris (momager) has taught us that plastic surgery is both normal and exciting.
7:24 pm You’ve gotta get out of the bad place and into the fun place.
Kris (caveman) to Kim: Your favorite thing is Hermes, and you new last name is going to start with an H.
Josh: This guy is seven.
7:27 pm Kim’s face doesn’t even fit in the frame because she’s so short and Kris (caveman) is so tall. You’re not meant to be if you can’t even fit together on tv.
(After and extended conversation about who Rob Kardashian is) Josh: Who is that bro in the back? Is that guy their brother? I would hate to be brother’s with this girl.
Rob should get a webseries.
In short succession, we’re sandblasted with really really shocking images. Like Rob’s ass, Kourtney doing her confessional in a Memoirs of a Geisha outfit, and Kris (momager) crying in a Tony Soprano track suit WITHOUT MAKE-UP ON.
7:35 pm Some genius has decided to edit between Kris (momager) having her facelift and the thing she’s lifting her face for (how she’s not as young and hot as her daughters). This is the definition of brilliance.
A conversation between children:
K1: I’m just worried.
K1: Moms, um, surgery.
7:37 pm Commercial for Tower Heist THE MONEY’S IN THE POOL.
Khloe and Lamar rep pistachios? As in, the entire concept of the pistachio nut is now irrevocably tied to Khloe and Lamar?
7:41 pm Kris (momager) is totally drugged out and post surgery and the first thing she says is, “Kim, do you have any Binaca?” She DOES have a sense of humor.
Emma: She just air-kissed her mother.
MC: I just think this is bad because Kris (caveman) is 7 years younger than Kim.
Josh: No, it’s just because he’s just seven.
7:48 pm Humphries. (Just a reminder that that’s his last name)
7:53 pm ‘I can’t be warned.” Is that like I can’t be tamed?”
MC: I think he’s so cute.
8:06 pm “Mom, your hair is shorter than a vagina’s bush and you talk forever.” UM WHAT.
8:11 pm I like that this prenup convo is going on when it says “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” in the bottom right.
8:25 pm Rob: I do worry about my body. (CUT TO: DANCING WITH THE STARS PROMO).
Khloe: Robert, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Rob: Lamar, give me the fruit roll-up.
8:30 pm Khloe is texting Rob how much she hates Kris (momager).
Rob has “That kardashian toosh”
8:33 pm On Rob: “He’s sitting in the pantry…crying and masturbating.”
Aaron: I want a show with only Kris and lamar playing basketball, and I’m going to call it the NBA.
8:39 pm Kourtney: I’m going to turn on the heat at night so you lose a few lbs.
Yup Rob, this is totally better than Khloe and Lamar’s.
My boys…Lamar…Scott…Fat Rob.
“If I’m going to have a six pack by the wedding…you’re not going.”
Kris (caveman): Why does Kim feel like she can show up? I don’t go to her dress fittings.
God he’s real. It’s like he never got past that stage as a small child where you say everything you think because you don’t realize its rude.
8:42 pm Rob to Scott: Dickie boy, you’re not going to tell Kourt if i get a burrito, are you?
Real World problems: Christina Aguilera, or Robin Thicke at your wedding?
Aaron: Where are you now? I’m Kris (caveman) positive.
8:52 pm Stop trying to make “bible” happen, it’s not going to happen.
Kim: I almost just want the wedding to be over so we can enjoy our lives.
Emma: You will never enjoy your life because you’ll never be that satisfied.
I had big plans for my first season of The Bachelorette; I’d create a complicated bracket and gather the best and the brightest to vote (well, MC would do the bracket, as I couldn’t organize one to save my life). A bottle of SkinnyGirl, or perhaps pink champagne would go to the winner.
But as the first episode loomed, it because clear there were just too many options, and some research revealed that a real bracket won’t really be feasible until we get down to a more manageable number, say 8. So in the coming weeks, we’ll start to figure out our Best Bets, No Gos, and Eh candidates until the MADNESS becomes more obvious.
The Highlights (Some come with highlights)
Ellen Degeneres/Lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber
The three Josh Grobans
The Ashley of this season aka the next Bachelor, Ryan P.
Best subject of an accidental pun
Tim got wasted at the get-together and fell asleep. Ashley sent him home in a van, and was sad for him about this “wasted opportunity,” not even calling out the amazing pun she had just created. Ironically, he is a liquor distributor from Long Beach, so you think he’d be able to hold it together.
Nick was on the Yankees for a hot second and has a soul patch. Molly has dubbed him “Juicy Tips” for his steroid-enhanced figure and his lovely hair.
Ames here managed to make it through, despite having a crooked face and telling us that he went to “Yale, which is in Connecticut.”
I don’t have a fancy name for him; he really is a butcher. But sadly, he’s back to New Jersey, where he can marry a girl who better not be a vegan (that’s not me, he really pondered whether or not the Bachelorette would eat meat with his Dad). I will miss his dramatic entrances and exits, and awesome looks towards the camera.
Too many J. Crews to count; we need more clothing line-related subdivisions
I obviously can’t claim myself a Bachelorette afficionado, but there a few things I’m concerned about this season. One is Bentley, the man whose parents are either rich or wanted to pretend to be. He was called out before the show as being a guy whose just about the fame. But for some reason, his relative good looks have charmed her, because if the excellent editing of the show’s promo tells us anything, he’s going to screw her over. In this episode alone, he told the cameras “Even though I’m not that attracted to [Ashley], I’m overly competitive.” In the promo, he says that he wishes The Bachelorette would have been Emily, and claims things would have been “different” if she had been.
I worry about Ashley’s potential for harm. In the premiere, she says to her 25 men “I hope you guys are happy it was me.” This doesn’t bode well; she doesn’t appear to be the confident woman she’s remade herself as. We also see a conversation between her and Chris where she essentially puts all the blame for her failed relationship with Brad on her own shoulders. This is the type of woman who isn’t ready to settle down, and instead is ready to get hurt by guys like Bentley. And it worries me, not because I know her or know anything, but because from my limited knowledge, this is a dialogue seen much more in seasons of The Bachelorette than The Bachelor. For example, Ali and the debacles that were Justin and Frank in the last season of this show.
This isn’t to say that women don’t go on the show for the same reason, only that there’s some sort of trend with Bachelorette’s being duped, or with the show’s producers wanting us to see them that way. I know it is the job of the editors to provide intrigue, but my viewing partners and I were not left with a particularly uplifting feeling at the end about this season. Though there were a few choice moments:
– Some baby man saying “If you cant take the heat, get out of the oven.” Why are you in an oven…
– A man wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask got the first rose! Perhaps this is a statement that looks don’t matter on what may society’s greatest example that they so, so do? Though when is the jig going to be up? It’s get to the point when Ashley is less intrigued and more creeped out. It’s also likely one of the other contestants will punch him in the face soon, because he never takes off the mask and that’s weird…
– West, from North Carolina, lost his wife of seven years when she died of seizure by drowning in the bathtub, and yes, he was the one who found her. Bentley, good luck, but this guy is Emily’s soul mate.
7:00 Barbara Streisand is going to be here? Why?
LL Cool J introduces this tribute to Aretha Franklin, because he has won a Grammy, is black, and also on a CBS show. Kate: Wouldn’t it have been awesome is LL hadn’t spelled RESPECT correctly during his intro? A girl can dream. Whatever, the tribute to Aretha is great. I cried.
KB: This is the greatest group of people ever! They include Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence without her Machine, Yolanda Adams (who everyone was like “Gigga what?!” but is a Gospel singer, and Christina Aguilera, who appears to be in front of a microphone stand made of anal beads. But it’s all good; this is an amazing medley and why we watch the Grammys. It will all be downhill from here (Note: It mostly was).
KB: They are paying tribute to Aretha with their crazy outfits. Jessie: But no crazy hats.
“Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves!” It would be great if they brought Annie Lennox out right now but they won’t.
I wish I was watching The First Wives Club right now. Aretha comes on in a prerecorded video to thank everyone for “the flowers, beautiful flowers.”
Aretha’s touching moment and a lovely performance was swiftly ruined by this ad: “This Valentine’s Day, why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels?”
7:21 It is literally all downhill from here now. We all plan to now go get drunk by ourselves in separate bars because Train just won for “Hey Soul Sister.” They do seem to show a little self-awareness in their acceptance speeches, thanking “Justin Bieber for not being a duo or group” and some dude at the record label “who gave us another chance.” They are thankfully drowned out by some sort of organ music?
Ricky Martin shows up, wearing the aforementioned silver pants. Jessie: We can all eat our words, they are jeans, Ricky Martin. He pronounces Lady Gaga’s name “Ga Ga.”
It appears this egg is maybe more of a cocoon? She sounds amazing live, as per the usual, and has a lovely set of interpretive dancers.
Jessie: Yea she’s whipping her hair!
She also has some sort of interesting sidestep dance going on? And then serenades us with a little organ interlude, perhaps the theme of the night. Jessie: Guys, Bach is with us at the Grammys. (BTW, Kate is related to him, itsnobigdeal.
Sean: She can come in an egg anytime she wants.
7:33 I just viscerally reacted to Blake what’s his last name, who is married to Miranda Lambert. He says some inappropriate thing that Jessie thinks “means I was inside of her 20 minutes ago. Oh wait they are married!” We then have a conversation about how funny it was when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton did that at some awards show in the limo on the way there.
Wake me up in 10 minutes, she’s performing. There’s some sort of photo montage in the background we’re mostly unimpressed with, but Jessie points out that “They’re probably Iraq veterans, assholes.”
KB: Because they’re country. Except here’s the thing, I think she’s ugly, and that’s my problem with her.
7:38 Lenny Kravitz looks good. I hope they cut to Nicole Kidman (Note: They did not. How come at every awards show, when Jennifer Aniston is presenting, they show Angelina placidly staring at the stage, but they can’t remind us of those weird days when Nicole and Lenny were a couple?)
7:49 “Music always needs new stars,” Ryan Seacrest tells us. With that, we get B.o.B wearing a monocle! A monocle! My Mom used to joke that I would have to get one because my eyes were such different prescription but they totally evened out so HAH TAKE THAT MOTHER. He drops it off when he sings “ended up with none.” None more the monocle.
And Bruno Mars gets his performance in Black and White. He’s done an old-school rendition of “Grenade” that’s a little pitchy, especially at the end, but super cool. Cyndi Lauper is pleased.
7:59 At least Miranda Lambert thanked the songwriters and kept it short when she won.
“Up next: Justin Bieber and his mentor Usher take the stage.”
I have counted 3 Taylor Swift commercials thus far. Go home Taylor.
8:06 J. Biebz is singing “Baby” but it sounds like he’s singing “Bieber Bieber Bieberrrr.” I totally would buy a conspiracy theory arguing that he’s merely promoting a cultish agenda. The Pinkett-Smith’s are beaming as Jayden joins him on stage, because I guess Jayden redid The Karate Kid and Justin provided vocals.
Sean: This is like Kidz Bop
Jessie: There are not enough ways for you to love me, Usher.
8:14 Muse wins, so Christina is happy, and one of them “would like to give a shoutout to my beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there.” We get it dude: You knocked her up. Congrats.
8:21 This is so awkward that Best Pop Vocal is being introduced by Selena Gomez. KB points out that what if Justin wins? Are they going to make-out? CBS is sure hoping so.
We’ll never know the beginning of what Gaga said because these censors are just being very loose with bleeping, but thank god Justin Bieber didn’t win.
I have a theory that smiling at all times in required in the Pinkett-Smith household. They are always beaming. Gaga says that when writing this track she “imagined whitney houston was singing this because I wasn’t brave enough.” I want a Whitney response, and ASAP.
CBS interrupts the show with fucking David Letterman doing one of his patented not funny Top 10 lists. This cross promotion is ridiculous.
The Avery Brothers come on, finally giving us something not remotely Top 40. They sing to us, “If youre loved by someone you’re never rejected.”
8:30 We finally get the promised Bob Dylan performance, which of course everyone hates because he doesn’t sounds like he used to, but can I point out that he’s never been the most consistent. He sings “Maggie’s Farm” in some lovely sneakers, with Mumford & Sons, which means that MC’s happy. I like his special harmonica mic. Neil Young stands up and claps at the end, while J. Lo looks bored and pissed. Stars: They never really surprise you.
Ad for the Wisconsin Dells tells us that “after you vacation in the Waterpark Capital of the world, you’ll never look at water the same way again.” I am actually dying to go.
8:43 Lady Antebellum performs “Need You Now” which is a very truthful song about being drunk late at night and missing someone, but that doesn’t make it good.
Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon are presenting Best Country Album together. Why not. Kings of Leon then win, and we see them freaking out backstage. It would have been cooler, if a lot meaner, to see them losing.
8:47 Cee-Lo, Gweneth Paltrow, and the Muppets? What could be better? Group consensus is that these are definitely Jim Henson lite, or the poorman’s Muppets, but a little research proves that they are indeed his work.
They just bleeped the puppets singing the N word. That’s a first.
Gweneth does a very convincing “Ooh I really hate your ass right now!” Her shoes are amazing. We get into an argument about how much choice celebrities have when picking out their clothes with a stylist. If The Rachel Zoe Project is anything to go off of, the stylists just do the heavy lifting.
Cee-Lo, who probs didn’t have a stylist for his outfit, looks like a “Cher abominable snowman” according to Jessie.
8:57 Katy Perry performs. One lone hand in the audience keeps reaching out to her, it’s beautiful.
The backdrop is images of KP’s wedding to Russell Brand. KB sceams “Yes!” Katy Perry tells us that “Teenage Dream” “goes out to all the Valentine lovers.” She mimes the line “one touch” scandalously. And then we see Nicole Kidman singing along!
KB asks: Kidman or Paltrow: who rehabbed their image better?
Jessie: Katy’s control is awful. Look how she’s not belting the high notes.
9:02 John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban performing “Jolene” in honor of Dolly Parton, who received a Lifetime Achievement award tonight. Awesome. John wisely says that he’s “going to stick to the script.” Here’s a not-horrible version of it:
And then that beautiful performance was followed by yet another win for “Need You Now.” Doesn’t anyone notice that this song is awful?
9:12 Kate: Is Eminem wearing a beeper?
KB: Probably because those were popularized the last time he was at the Grammys. Burn.
He said fuck and they didn’t catch it! Take that, censors. I wonder who will literally or figuratively pay for that.
Is that Evanescence with him? Christina says it’s this girl who was in another song with Fort Minor, that band started by that guy in Linkin Park. They’re singing a new song “I Need A Doctor”, and it’s with Dr. Dre. Oh I get it!
Jessie: Dre is Eminem’s Usher to Bieber.
9:21 Shock on the Biebz face when Esperanza Spalding won was crazy. The fact that no one in this category is a new artist seems to bother no one. Immediately after the win, it appears that crazed Bieber fans wreaked havoc to Spalding’s Wikipedia page, which is unfortunate, because she’s incredibly talented.
9:32 It’s time for the people who died this year. Fun as usual.
9:34 KB: Who is wearing a cape? Oh, Mick Jagger, duh.
Jessie: I want a count of how many times his name has been rhymed with Swagger. Off the top of my head it’s 2, but I bet it’s much more.
KB: He is wearing sneakers.
Kate: I wondered about the shoes; they look Nike.
9:45 Kris Kristofferson (who looks remarkably like Jeff Bridges, but maybe that’s because I watched The Big Lebowski today) introduces Barbara Streisand by saying “She’s sweetened our lives…like the music did our life.”
Kate: This is so boring.
Christina: Can we fast-forward please?
Jessie: It’s sad because I was like, wait, can we?
Please note that here have been like two awards.
9:50 Will.i.am introduces the award for Best Rap Album, but seems to not realize that “since the inception of this award” is pretty meaningless as it is only a few years old.
Eminem wins! And is unemotional as usual.
Finally! Beyonce! KB: Why you gotta playa hate. (Note: I have no idea why she said this. The growler was finished awhile before).
Apparently they are BFFLs, according to KB and some People magazine article quoting an anonymous and bullshit source she read like six months ago.
9:58 I like that the song choice that is played as “Puff Daddy” walks up is “I Need A Girl.” His teeth look weird. Debate is had over why he is introduced as Puff Daddy, and it is settled that that’s probably the name he won his Grammys in.
Rihanna and Drake perform in front of a timber pile. Rihanna brings out the Rude Boy dance, thank god. I really wish she and Drake would reconcile as more than just collaborators. I never realized that in “What’s My Name” the exact lyrics are “Say my name, say my name — wear it out.”
10:02 Jenny from the Block has to remind us that she’s married to Marc Anthony. They really make me appreciate couples who are rarely seen together.
“The song otherwise known as ‘Forget You'” is nominated. Someone had a field day with that one.
LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS AGAIN. They are shaking their heads in disbelief. Please shake your heads Lady Antebellum, we at home are as well. BOORRRRRINNGG.
The next episode of Criminal Minds is about a life coach that turns deadly. I may watch this.
10:11 Jason Segel is like “Why am I here introducing Arcade Fire? Oh wait I’m on How I Met Your Mother.
10:20 KB gets very upset about the Chrysler commercial because of their 90 spot during the Super Bowl that was paid for with taxpayer dollars that they have Chrysler has not paid back from the bailout thankyouverymuch.
Barbara and Kris Kristofferson, together at last!
What if Katy Perry won album of the year?! I wonder what Bob Dylan would think/say/emote?
Oh but we never have to worry because Arcade Fire wins for “The Suburbs”, a place that no one who listens to them ever wants to go back to.
That was perhaps the worst display of awards handed out I’ve seen in my young life. To make yourself feel better/worse about what crap it all is, read this Slate article that KB could not stop talking about as we whined about the injustice about it all about, well, the injustice of it all. And stay tuned for a short breakdown of artists that won awards and that we should be excited about.
I was at the gym the other day when I saw a commercial for your new movie, Just Go With It. The commercial concluded with an overweight woman reacting to Brooklyn Decker getting out of the ocean by turning to you, JenAn, and saying something along the lines of, “It’s women like her who make you and I uncomfortable wearing bathing suits.” I’m sorry, but no.
I know your very famous husband very famously dumped you for a very famous beautiful person. I’d have self-esteem issues too if that happened to me. But I promise — you’re gorgeous.
All you have to do is look at the billboard for this same movie where you are rocking a very sexy dress. I’d kill for your body. And as MC said, your hair is the perfect honey blonde. Rock it girl.
And the best way to rock it is to not make a movie where the central conceit is not based around you being uglier than this other girl.
I’ve been a fan of yours since Friends and I’ve seen most, if not all, of your terrible movies. So this is an intervention. Make crappy movies (I don’t care – I love them all the same), but don’t make movies where the plot is formed around you not being as hot as Brooklyn Decker. It just pisses off your fans. And does a disservice to you and your hotness.
PS: Office Space is an underrated film. I really think it’s your best work.
Editor’s Note: I have been unable to find the spot that KB refers to on the internet (if you come across it, let me know!). Please instead subsidize your viewing pleasure this Super Bowl teaser trailer. Note the repeated footage of Brooklyn Decker rising from the water, and the end tagline “Tell your girlfriend it’s a romantic comedy.” Charming.
So tonight, Molly and MC and I were sitting in the kitchen while some chili stewed in Molly’s new Le Creuset (exactly what the French intended it to be used for, I’m sure) and Passion Pit’s “To Kingdom Come” starts playing. And Molly says, “This reminds me of the music that played during Mario Kart, you know, on the Rainbow Road?” And I’m like, “No, I never played N64, because, oh you know, GENDER STEREOTYPES, not having a brother, my parents thought video games were Satan’s children.” So, wisely assuming that someone else noticed this first, she googled away and we found this.
And don’t worry, the creator isn’t really this bad at the game: