And call it a day. I don’t know who is sleeping with Darren Criss on that writing and producing staff, but bravo.
Also did you know that Rashida Jones sang backup on Maroon 5’s debut Songs About Jane, including the tracks “Tangled”, “Secret” and “Not Coming Home.” I haven’t yet purchased It Won’t Be Soon Before Long, but she’s on the track “Kiwi” as well. brb, queuing up a playlist and listening intently.
5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.
5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.
5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.
5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.
5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.
5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.
5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”
5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.
6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”
Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.
Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?
6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?
6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.
6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.
Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.
6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.
Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.
6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.
Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:
6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!
People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.
Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!
6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:
Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.
And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.
A Night of A Thousand Fantasies: Get ready to use the word sexy far more than you ever should. I have a prediction: There will be lots of young hot bodies. I want some old hags.
9:01 I’m starting this post-live blog off wondering if it is even relevant to watch the actual show anymore because we’ve seen all these pictures so much earlier (the actual fashion show aired weeks ago). But the show is interesting because it’s much more a performance than normal fashion shows and just gets crazier every year. Perhaps because they can’t depend on actually getting supermodels because they’ve all gotten old or pregnant.
9:03 Gerard Butler looks manically pleased. Perhaps because in the behind-the-scenes look at the models, they’ve all started just praising how hot they all are. Soft-core lesbian porn has begun.
9:04 One of the models says “I feel stressed,” while smiling endlessly. You look it.
9:05 We’ve just been informed that Lily goes out with Kings of Leon frontman Caleb. So? (Note: This will come up again later. It apparently is relavent news, so sorry for jumping the gun on that one).
9:06 Erin: “It’s like girl time. It’s like chilling with your girls all day.”
KATY PERRY TIME 9:07 Nice boobs Katy. She starts off with “Firework”, though there are no exploding breasts. Maybe it’s all these models, but her legs actually look like a normal sized womans. If this were a casting call, I’d say she looks “healthy.”
9:08 Legit just a shot of her boobs. Sea anemone on the side.
These close-up shots remind me that she uses Proactiv, which has not yet taken advantage of this situation and advertised in the commercials, and that she has an excellent make-up artist. M.C. reminds me that she is actually a blonde IRL.
9:09 Estelle nods seriously in the front row while secretly thinking “Why wasn’t it meeeee.”
9:10 These tuxedoed dancing folks are interesting. I guess we can’t see too much skin in one show.
9:15 Candice: “You can almost hear peoples hearts beating faster.” She sounds like a robot.
9:16 We’ve entered the slow part of the evening. And is that Jewel I hear? Too bad she’s not doing some spoken word live performances of some of her poems.
9:18 Let’s keep cutting to the grinning men in the audience. Are they better than the emotionless ones?
9:20 I’m saying it..I dont get Karolina Kurkova. SUE ME.
Alessandra: I guess I’m a naughty angel.
For some reason, Behati looks like Brooke’s mom from One Tree Hill, Daphne Zuniga. But when she was young and in that John Cusack movie that is always on TV, The Sure Thing. I’m not going to post side-by-side photos because it’s really more in the smile and I can’t find the likeness that fits but just TRUST ME.
9:21 And it’s time to work out! Some sort of gymnastics team performs a routine to Lady Gaga. M.C. begins a fun game of what sport each girl is supposed to be playing or representing or vaguely related to.
9:22 M.C.: Lacrosse — this is definitely playing to a certain demographic. And this photo is probably going to be in my brothers dorm room.
9:24 My fave.
M.C.: I love how they pick the only vaguely Eastern European one.
M.C.: How do they let the sexual predator be at the Victoria’s Secret show?
9:30 Lily: When you think about Victoria’s Secret, the first thing you think about is the wings.
No Lily. The first thing I think about is undergarments. The second thing I think about is boobs.
Also: “I fantasize more about the wings than I ever would about my wedding.”
9:32 AKON and angels.
9:33 Oo I like the glitter on the wings as they sweep across the floor. I want a glitter floor.
9:34 Adrian Grenier and Malin Ackerman? Are they a thing?
9:35 Pretty wizard night cloak.
9:36 Some of these outfits are just not flattering, especially when walking. Glinda the Good Witch here is a perfect example.
Commercial for CBS News at 10: Dead People Riding the CTA?
9:43 Ooooo it’s a Lion King rip-off, because thats what every television special ever on TV does these days.
Alessandra’s skin is glittery. I wonder if that’s natural. I would watch Twilight more seriously if they glittered but weren’t cold and had lovingly bronzed skin like hers. Though I don’t know if we need any more people to take Twilight seriously.
9:44 Serengeti! Peacocks! Any animal that seems ethnic!
9:45 Oo dancing ninja men in skirts. Maasai necklace and arm plates.
9:46 Is it because they’re all styled the same that its like a blur of watching the same thing walk down the runway?
Emily: It’s amazing that for a reasonably ethnically diverse group (for modeling anyway) they all look remarkably alike.
One mind folks, one mind.
9:47 Voiceover: Stagehands, begin the shift into PINK. (Cue screams).
9:51 TEENAGE DREAM. Approp. Katy Perry is doing way better than she did at the AMAs.
Emily: Why does her skirt open where her crotch is? I will say…her boobs are pretty insane
9:53 Segue to “Hot and Cold.” This makes me wonder, as I have before, why it is ok to say bitch and not other words on TV?
“California Gurls.” Not featuring Snoop. Tears.
9:55 Chanel Iman has a bubble machine! I’m jeal.
Katy Perry has looked afraid of those stairs the whole time.
9:56 Cut to Maroon 5, aka Adam Levine and some other dudes, in the audience.
There have apparently been 34 models. I would have said 5.
9:57 Cut to Blondie, looking like she’s not having it in the audience.
Voiceover: They’re having a ball out there! They don’t want to go, they don’t want to go!
Emily: This announcer dude = sketchville. How do you think you get that gig?
9:58 Tyson Beckford is in the audience! Smile away, good sir.
Glinda the Good Witch is back! let the woman change for godsakes.
Did Kings of Leon like fucking sponsor this shit? Excuse my french, as my mother would say, but they are all over this place, apparently because one of them is banging this model. They are not Seal and Heidi Klum, ok?
That’s all folks. Tune in next year for more blatant holiday product placement. I’ll leave you with one legitimately pretty outfit that I would totally go back to doing ballet for.
And, since I’m a sucker for behind the scenes stuff, check out how they make all that cool stuff you’ll never wear: