Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things


This Has Been A Great Year For Latinos: The Golden Globes Red Carpet Unlive Blog 2012

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6:18 pm They just beeped Elton John saying “Madonna hasn’t gotten a fucking chance.”
Elle Macpherson is dressing like she’s nominated, when in fact she is just repping her new PR spinoff.

6:21 pm Rob Lowe is an alcoholic. Or he’s obsessed with how everyone else is.
Evan Rachel Wood looks 45. Gucci Premiere made her dress FOR HER. Alex: I don’t care if it’s Black Swanny, I like it.

This Asian girl host is a super Social Network Brenda Song. And looks like a Caesar’s Palace waitress.

6:27 pm Since when is best original song a category we care about? Alex: Since Madonna and Elton John were involved.

6:33 pm Who would have thunk that Ali McBeal and Indiana Jones would still be together after all these years?

Our Host friend in the teal: What a great year for Latinos! We’ve done so well! Salma Hayek:…
OH my god it’s almost like you’re integrated into society!

6:36 pm Natalie Portman enters. Emily: Kind of inauguration ball.
I’m fairly certain we haven’t seen her since this time last year.

The commercials are really pushing Abilify on me. I don’t like what they’re implying.

6:41 pm Carson Daly looks so excited to be here. Not.

I KNEW that it was Tina Fey from behind and far away #assthatwontquit
Alex: Her hair looks like Kristen Stewart in between roles.

George and Stacy. I just can’t stop laughing at the two of them together. In other news, the producer of this pre-show is giving all the men to Carson.
An Australian starts talking. Kate: OH HELLLLLLLO.

6:45 pm Emma Stone says “Oh Hello!” to our poor man’s Brenda Song. I wonder if they’ll talk about both sleeping with Andrew Garfield. Emma may be drunk, but she’s wearing Lanvin.

Jennifer Lopez is 100% Puerto Rican. Good. To. Know. Also is a W6 sunbeige.

I still cannot believe Big Miracle got made.

I wish I could just get a Camelback for wine tonight.

6:52 pm Reese looks big. Adam Levine is “a homeless person” to Carson Daly.


6:55 pm Sofia Vergara aka the LATINOS ARE HERE.

Unrelated: Emily says “Things I learn about dating someone in their 30s — they text you about 60 Minutes. Also, when they say ‘Talk to you tomorrow’ they mean they will CALL YOU ON THE PHONE.

And this is the moment that the screen changed from our good friend White But Thinks She’s Latino, Carson Daly, and Caesar’s Palace waitress, to the Globes. They are but a specter in time. SEE YOU THERE.

Britney And Madonna

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Remember when Britney was the second coming of Madonna? When Madonna wore shirts that said “Britney Spears” on them? When they made out (forget that Xtina did it too)? When it was Britney (Me) against Madonna (the Music)? Now it’s all about Lady Gaga, which begs the question — who is Madonna the second coming of? Is she the first original ever? Discuss.

In order to help you decide, listen to Britney’s cover of “Burning Up”, and watch the latest viral video of Madonna’a “Vogue”, which happens to take place against an awesome greenscreen of my childhood home in the distance.

Updated: Whoops! We were missing the goods for awhile.

ME AT NINE, PERFORMING TO MADONNA IN SUMMER ’91! from Robert Jeffrey on Vimeo.

Reminder: You’re From Detriot, Ms. Ciccone

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“…when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago” – Madonna to Steven Meisel, 1991.

Madonna: “I hate actresses.” [Letters of Note]

I Listen to Katy Perry So You Don’t Have To

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If you live as a functioning member of society, you will have heard Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” and “California Gurls”, voted by New York Magazine as the song of the summer, whether we like it or not. The sad truth behind the popularity of “California Gurls” is that most people will not dive deeper into the nostalgia-filled trip down memory lane that is the rest of the album. But this is your lucky day people! I’ve listened to all of the songs on the album, and have given the worthy ones high school-style superlatives. Get ready for a lot of mixed metaphors and a wide variety of influences, starting with the album cover, where Perry is featured in cherubic glory.

Best Use of A Movie Moment to Express Your Pain and Empower You

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

Most Well-Utilized Combination of Knowledge from Sex Ed Class with Old-School Wisdom
(Honorable Mention for Blatantly Ripping-off Madonna)

“Hummingbird Heartbeat”
You make me feel like I’m losing my virginity
The first time and the time when you touchin’ me,
I make you bloom like the flower that you never seen.
Under the sun we are one buzzin energy.

Let’s party to create affinity
This evolution with you comes naturally.
Some call it signs
We call it chemistry
This is the story of the birds and the bees.

Even the seasons change
I want it to stay the same.

You give me that…
Hummingbird Heartbeat
Spread my wings and make me fly
The taste of your honey is so sweet
When you give me the Hummingbird Heartbeat
Hummingbird Heartbeat

Flown a million miles just to find the magic seed
Oh I would flower with the power that bring light to me.
Your so exotic, my whole body fluttering
Constantly craving for a taste of your sticky sweet

Always on the brink of a heart attack
You can be alive and keep me coming back
I see the sun rise in your eyes
Your eyes
You gotta future full of blue skies
Blue skies

You love me, you love me never love me not
Oh no
When we are in perfect harmony
You make me so right toward your (sip of me).

Best Co-Opting Of A Term I Once Associated with Youth and Innocence so it can be Understood by the Facebook Generation
“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)
There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbeque

Is that a hickey or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a blacked out blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we’re gonna stop-op

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail


The Taylor Swift Award: Most Unrealistic Use of Wish-Fulfillment and Disney Movie Optimism in A Slow-Song
“Not Like the Movies”
He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn’t fit,
It wasn’t right.
Wasn’t just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don’t know.

I didn’t feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he’s the one,
I’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that’s just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
“One day my prince will come.”
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don’t align,
If it doesn’t stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He’ll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he’s the one,
He’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

‘Cause I know you’re out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It’s a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you’ll see.

Best Blatant Rip-off of BFFL Rihanna’s Rude Boy
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Word on the street, you got somethin’ to show me, ee
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee
I’m intrigued, for a peek, Heard it’s fascinating

Words are mislead
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it’s beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a bow

I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don’t be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I’ma peace out if you don’t give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
What you’re hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you’re waiting for, it’s time for you to show it off
Don’t be a shy kinda guy I’ll bet it’s beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin’ underneath

Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
Brake me off, if you bad, show me how’s the boss
Need some goose, if you lose, come on take a shot

Oh my good no exaggeration
Boy all this time was worth the waiting
I just shared a tear
I’m so unprepared
You’ve got the finest architecture
And on the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And it’s all for me

Best Butchering of the Syllabi of Your Junior Year History and English Classes
She is a pyramid
But with him she’s just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane
But now she’s just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met

Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down

Cause I used to be a shell…
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Ohhh yeah

But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And No one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell No
You’re the one that rules your world Ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable

Katy Perry, I applaud you, for your ability to take a theme and really stick to it. Now I’m going to go watch the “Teenage Dream” video one more time and pretend that my life is as well-lit as yours is.

Lourdes Goes to LAG

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“The fashionable Lourdes – who runs a Macy’s clothing line with her mom – sported ankle-high leather boots, a black skirt and a plaid sleeveless shirt over a white T-shirt. She clutched a cell phone, with a multicolored wristband on her right arm offset by an assortment of bracelets on her left.” Sounds like she’s really pushing the fashion envelope for teenage girls. Multicolored wristbands?!

When I found out she was class of 2014, I felt olddd. But then I watched the interview with these kids, and it didn’t seem so long ago that I was hanging out with them, saying mildly inarticulate things.

Let the drama begin! Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Leon has fashionable start at LaGuardia High School [The Daily News]

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