Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

The Unlive Blog: Not Another Music Special

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Now that it’s holiday season, or now that I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that awards shows or musical television specials are some of entertainments greatest gems, we’re going to take a look at The USO Presents: VH1 Divas Live Salute the Troops

8:03 Kathy Griffin you are so funny I totally forgot you were hosting this despite the commercial I saw for VH1 Divas not but an hour ago that reminded me to watch this in the first place.

8:07 This is being filmed at the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. Top Gun was also filmed at Miramar. Fun fact.

8:11 Kathy Griffin: We’ve got an amazing show, so stay with us and watch my ass as I walk away.
Now the vignettes of personal stories from soldiers begin. Not to be too unpatriotic and jaded, but this is going to be one big ad for the army, now isn’t it?

8:12 Katy Perry is back. She’s def singing live, as she pulls a Pink and floats in from the ceiling. Apparently “California Gurls” will be both the song of the summer and forever.

8:16 Now we’re in Kuwait, where Paramore is playing LIVE. The introduction video to Camp Arifjan has not at all stereotypically been introduced with some Middle Eastern music. I will say that this girl from Paramore has a pretty sexy speaking voice, and is also horrible at playing volleyball.

8:17 But I’m not into the pink hair. It reminds me of middle school, and when Gwen Stefani had braces.

Neither of these were good times. Image via Marion Curtis/DMI/Time Life Pictures/Getty Images

8:24 Seriously Drew, I swear I will buy your lipstain. Just call and remind me. Also your family is crazy and when they say the Barrymore’s have been acting forever, they weren’t kidding, as a recent extensive wikipedia search lead me to discover. The first was born in 1849. That was a long time ago.

8:25 M.C.: Oh GRACE GRACE GRACE.
We’re confused as to how she got involved as a “diva”, but she is so pretty and talented and has again, even her speaking voice is cool.

8:27 Marisa Miller is a USO ambassador? What does that mean? She is hot. I often wonder how it took so long for her to become famous, because she really hasn’t been around until recently and is not quite a spring chicken. More a late-summer chicken.
M.C.: She does not have a good speaking voice.
Kate: When did this become what we judge everyone on during this show?

And enter…Seth, another random Army dude who will introduce the next act. He looks so serious and so unhappy but this is pretty cute…wait he’s introducing Sugarland because Jennifer Nettles is his sister?!
M.C.: I feel bad for Seth right now

8:28 I’m sorry, she has the most lesbian haircut I’ve ever seen. I also kind of dig her voice but hate it at the same time.

8:30 The addition of MC Lyte to this performance was really an interesting creative choice, especially because (to those of us who are more open-minded) they look like partners with these haircuts. Or maybe Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or maybe I just think that because they’re singing country and that show was just on…
Anyway, to relive the better days:

Jennifer: A shoutout to the women, who look very snappy in their uniforms as well!
Yup, quelling all those lesbian rumors that I’m starting so quickly.
Also, when googling Jennifer Nettles to find out more about her, I stumbled across another similar-looking country star, Miranda Lambert. In said search, I found this Yahoo! Answers gem:

8:32 Jersey Shore in 2 minutes. They don’t even say “The Cast of” or “Snooki and the Situation.” Just Jersey Shore. That poor location.

8:36 Commercial for Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business. What kind of family business? Like a hardware store? I wonder if he and Kim K. still talk secretly.

8:37 M.C.: I love how Kathy is wearing really trashy versions of “uniforms.”
Kathy Griffin: (On Bristol Palin) She’s the only contestant in the history of the show to gain weight…she’s like the white Precious. You can boo louder than that! I love it!…War is hell, war is hell!
The audience is not having any of this.
“So we gotta talk about Jersey Shore….” And then they applaud.

8:39 Snooki: Can you help us o the next introduciton marine? ‘Cmon, just read the lines marine.

8:40 Grace Potter again! M.C. sits up.
She looks fly. I want that dress for New Years. And her hair is so Heidi Klum.
SHE IS SO GOOD. BRB I’M JUST FREAKING OUT.
M.C.: Her dress is tiny. She’s somehow rocking it.
Kate: Her teeth are amazing.

8:47 MC I think the Grace Potter site is crashing right now, because so many people are visiting it.
Update: M.C. was indeed right

This (like Oprah and Groupon) is the perfect example of the deep connection between the internet and tv.
Grace Potter: Everybody needs rock and roll…everybody needs a good fist pump every once and a while, and I’m here to give it to them.
It’s interesting she thinks of herself as rock and roll and not bluegrass or country or something, or all three.
Wendy’s and VH1 have teamed up to make some sort of video called “Sacrifice and Support”, about mothers and military children.

8:55 These shots from below (the audience) make Nicki Minaj’s ass look even bigger.
VH1 apparently agrees that this is worth discussing:

9:01 OMG T.I. on Storytellers.
M.C.: I love T.I.
Kate: If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again — most symmetrical face ever.
Next we get an ad that tells us that “Sunday is the night…on VH1.” What kind of night, you may ask? The underlying subtext seems to be that sunday is the night for black people, with back to back episodes about Brandy and Ray J, basketball wives, and football wives.

(You’ll notice some time has passed. Things happened, they just weren’t that interesting).

9:37 FLOTUS aka Michelle Obama. Wait is she there?! Oh no, it’s just a video. She has lovely eyebrows.

9:45 Uh oh, after the break, a final Katy Perry song. They are really pushing her, much like she is pushing her boobs. And it’s “Firework”, duh. Her sparkly red dress has a very long slit, but I think she’s wearing a leotard underneath? But all of this is ruined because SHE HAS SEE-THRU PLASTIC STRAPS HOLDING HER DRESS UP.

9:53 Coolest commercial ever.

The show was alright. Loved the updated old school aesthetic, and the general respect for the troops without bringing politics into it. And I swear, I won’t do another Unlive blog soon because I’m sure they’ve beginning to drag on. It’s just with the holidays, there are sooo many good specials, what’s a girl to do?

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2010: The Unlive Blog

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A Night of A Thousand Fantasies: Get ready to use the word sexy far more than you ever should. I have a prediction: There will be lots of young hot bodies. I want some old hags.

9:01 I’m starting this post-live blog off wondering if it is even relevant to watch the actual show anymore because we’ve seen all these pictures so much earlier (the actual fashion show aired weeks ago). But the show is interesting because it’s much more a performance than normal fashion shows and just gets crazier every year. Perhaps because they can’t depend on actually getting supermodels because they’ve all gotten old or pregnant.

9:03 Gerard Butler looks manically pleased. Perhaps because in the behind-the-scenes look at the models, they’ve all started just praising how hot they all are. Soft-core lesbian porn has begun.

9:04 One of the models says “I feel stressed,” while smiling endlessly. You look it.

9:05 We’ve just been informed that Lily goes out with Kings of Leon frontman Caleb. So? (Note: This will come up again later. It apparently is relavent news, so sorry for jumping the gun on that one).

9:06 Erin: “It’s like girl time. It’s like chilling with your girls all day.”

KATY PERRY TIME
9:07 Nice boobs Katy. She starts off with “Firework”, though there are no exploding breasts. Maybe it’s all these models, but her legs actually look like a normal sized womans. If this were a casting call, I’d say she looks “healthy.”

9:08 Legit just a shot of her boobs. Sea anemone on the side.

These close-up shots remind me that she uses Proactiv, which has not yet taken advantage of this situation and advertised in the commercials, and that she has an excellent make-up artist. M.C. reminds me that she is actually a blonde IRL.

9:09 Estelle nods seriously in the front row while secretly thinking “Why wasn’t it meeeee.”

9:10 These tuxedoed dancing folks are interesting. I guess we can’t see too much skin in one show.

9:15 Candice: “You can almost hear peoples hearts beating faster.” She sounds like a robot.

9:16 We’ve entered the slow part of the evening. And is that Jewel I hear? Too bad she’s not doing some spoken word live performances of some of her poems.

9:18 Let’s keep cutting to the grinning men in the audience. Are they better than the emotionless ones?

9:20 I’m saying it..I dont get Karolina Kurkova. SUE ME.
Alessandra: I guess I’m a naughty angel.
For some reason, Behati looks like Brooke’s mom from One Tree Hill, Daphne Zuniga. But when she was young and in that John Cusack movie that is always on TV, The Sure Thing. I’m not going to post side-by-side photos because it’s really more in the smile and I can’t find the likeness that fits but just TRUST ME.

9:21 And it’s time to work out! Some sort of gymnastics team performs a routine to Lady Gaga. M.C. begins a fun game of what sport each girl is supposed to be playing or representing or vaguely related to.

9:22 M.C.: Lacrosse — this is definitely playing to a certain demographic. And this photo is probably going to be in my brothers dorm room.

9:24 My fave.
M.C.: I love how they pick the only vaguely Eastern European one.

Akon enters!
M.C.: How do they let the sexual predator be at the Victoria’s Secret show?

9:30 Lily: When you think about Victoria’s Secret, the first thing you think about is the wings.
No Lily. The first thing I think about is undergarments. The second thing I think about is boobs.
Also: “I fantasize more about the wings than I ever would about my wedding.”

9:32 AKON and angels.

9:33 Oo I like the glitter on the wings as they sweep across the floor. I want a glitter floor.

9:34 Adrian Grenier and Malin Ackerman? Are they a thing?

9:35 Pretty wizard night cloak.

9:36 Some of these outfits are just not flattering, especially when walking. Glinda the Good Witch here is a perfect example.

Commercial for CBS News at 10: Dead People Riding the CTA?

9:43 Ooooo it’s a Lion King rip-off, because thats what every television special ever on TV does these days.
Alessandra’s skin is glittery. I wonder if that’s natural. I would watch Twilight more seriously if they glittered but weren’t cold and had lovingly bronzed skin like hers. Though I don’t know if we need any more people to take Twilight seriously.

9:44 Serengeti! Peacocks! Any animal that seems ethnic!

9:45 Oo dancing ninja men in skirts. Maasai necklace and arm plates.

9:46 Is it because they’re all styled the same that its like a blur of watching the same thing walk down the runway?
Emily: It’s amazing that for a reasonably ethnically diverse group (for modeling anyway) they all look remarkably alike.
One mind folks, one mind.

9:47 Voiceover: Stagehands, begin the shift into PINK. (Cue screams).

9:51 TEENAGE DREAM. Approp. Katy Perry is doing way better than she did at the AMAs.

Emily: Why does her skirt open where her crotch is? I will say…her boobs are pretty insane

9:53 Segue to “Hot and Cold.” This makes me wonder, as I have before, why it is ok to say bitch and not other words on TV?
“California Gurls.” Not featuring Snoop. Tears.

9:55 Chanel Iman has a bubble machine! I’m jeal.

Katy Perry has looked afraid of those stairs the whole time.

9:56 Cut to Maroon 5, aka Adam Levine and some other dudes, in the audience.

FINALE
There have apparently been 34 models. I would have said 5.

9:57 Cut to Blondie, looking like she’s not having it in the audience.
Voiceover: They’re having a ball out there! They don’t want to go, they don’t want to go!
Emily: This announcer dude = sketchville. How do you think you get that gig?

9:58 Tyson Beckford is in the audience! Smile away, good sir.
Glinda the Good Witch is back! let the woman change for godsakes.
Did Kings of Leon like fucking sponsor this shit? Excuse my french, as my mother would say, but they are all over this place, apparently because one of them is banging this model. They are not Seal and Heidi Klum, ok?

That’s all folks. Tune in next year for more blatant holiday product placement. I’ll leave you with one legitimately pretty outfit that I would totally go back to doing ballet for.

And, since I’m a sucker for behind the scenes stuff, check out how they make all that cool stuff you’ll never wear:

[Photos via Getty, Wireimage]

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