Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

I Listen to Katy Perry So You Don’t Have To

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If you live as a functioning member of society, you will have heard Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” and “California Gurls”, voted by New York Magazine as the song of the summer, whether we like it or not. The sad truth behind the popularity of “California Gurls” is that most people will not dive deeper into the nostalgia-filled trip down memory lane that is the rest of the album. But this is your lucky day people! I’ve listened to all of the songs on the album, and have given the worthy ones high school-style superlatives. Get ready for a lot of mixed metaphors and a wide variety of influences, starting with the album cover, where Perry is featured in cherubic glory.

Best Use of A Movie Moment to Express Your Pain and Empower You

“Firework”
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ’em what your worth
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

Most Well-Utilized Combination of Knowledge from Sex Ed Class with Old-School Wisdom
(Honorable Mention for Blatantly Ripping-off Madonna)


“Hummingbird Heartbeat”
You make me feel like I’m losing my virginity
The first time and the time when you touchin’ me,
I make you bloom like the flower that you never seen.
Under the sun we are one buzzin energy.

Let’s party to create affinity
This evolution with you comes naturally.
Some call it signs
Signs
We call it chemistry
This is the story of the birds and the bees.

Even the seasons change
I want it to stay the same.

You give me that…
Hummingbird Heartbeat
Spread my wings and make me fly
The taste of your honey is so sweet
When you give me the Hummingbird Heartbeat
Hummingbird Heartbeat

Flown a million miles just to find the magic seed
Oh I would flower with the power that bring light to me.
Your so exotic, my whole body fluttering
Constantly craving for a taste of your sticky sweet

Always on the brink of a heart attack
You can be alive and keep me coming back
I see the sun rise in your eyes
Your eyes
You gotta future full of blue skies
Blue skies

You love me, you love me never love me not
Not
Oh no
When we are in perfect harmony
You make me so right toward your (sip of me).

Best Co-Opting Of A Term I Once Associated with Youth and Innocence so it can be Understood by the Facebook Generation
“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)
There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbeque

Is that a hickey or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a blacked out blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we’re gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail

T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.

The Taylor Swift Award: Most Unrealistic Use of Wish-Fulfillment and Disney Movie Optimism in A Slow-Song
“Not Like the Movies”
He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn’t fit,
It wasn’t right.
Wasn’t just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don’t know.

I didn’t feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he’s the one,
I’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that’s just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
“One day my prince will come.”
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don’t align,
If it doesn’t stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He’ll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he’s the one,
He’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

‘Cause I know you’re out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It’s a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you’ll see.

Best Blatant Rip-off of BFFL Rihanna’s Rude Boy
“Peacock”
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Word on the street, you got somethin’ to show me, ee
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee
I’m intrigued, for a peek, Heard it’s fascinating

Words are mislead
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it’s beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a bow

I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don’t be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I’ma peace out if you don’t give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
What you’re hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you’re waiting for, it’s time for you to show it off
Don’t be a shy kinda guy I’ll bet it’s beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin’ underneath

Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
Brake me off, if you bad, show me how’s the boss
Need some goose, if you lose, come on take a shot

Oh my good no exaggeration
Boy all this time was worth the waiting
I just shared a tear
I’m so unprepared
You’ve got the finest architecture
And on the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And it’s all for me

Best Butchering of the Syllabi of Your Junior Year History and English Classes
“Pearl”
She is a pyramid
But with him she’s just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane
But now she’s just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met

Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down

Cause I used to be a shell…
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Ohhh yeah

But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And No one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell No
You’re the one that rules your world Ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable

Katy Perry, I applaud you, for your ability to take a theme and really stick to it. Now I’m going to go watch the “Teenage Dream” video one more time and pretend that my life is as well-lit as yours is.

Please Say This Is Sarcasm

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