1. This yawn:
1. This yawn:
It’s important to have a bevy of primary sources to fall back on. For some people, that means a trip to the library. For me, that means a trip through my shockingly accurate memory of every issue of Allure published in the early 2000’s.
One such issue included a cover and photo shoot with Britney Spears from 2007, who at that point in her life was going through some not-so-savory moments. There was no interview accompanying the article, however; Spears never made it to any of her interviews, and so Judith Newman wrote about not getting a chance to talk to the “troubled starlet” (not her words, just words we’re all familiar with).
Yet when faced with a similar dilemma — not getting the story you want — this month’s issue of Marie Claire chose not to use the real story. Instead, they took their interview with Kim Kardashian, which was done before she broke up with her husband, and spun it to make it seem as though she talks about, according to the cover “What went on in her crazy marriage”, a tactic commonly used in tabloid magazines.
What story would I read? What she was saying right before she divorced Kris, and what she’s saying — or not saying — now. Except that Marie Claire tells me if I want to read it all, I’ll have to buy the issue. Unfortunately, what they’ve given me to go on now isn’t enough to see if they actually did a nice follow-through in that hard-bound, beautiful copy that will not spend from here to eternity under my bed.
AP triple-checks their facts, and gets the news a little too late. Don’t they know you can always rely on TMZ?
5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.
5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.
5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.
5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.
5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.
5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.
5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”
5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.
6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”
Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.
Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?
6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?
6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.
6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.
Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.
6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.
Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.
6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.
Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:
6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!
People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.
Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!
6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:
Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.
And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.
Images via Getty.
So I’m channel surfing last night, made even harder by the fact that the Guide seems to not being working on the remote control, and none of the roommates knows what’s up, and it’s not because its an HD channel and dear god is this technology making us any happier, really?, and what comes up but what appears to be a gift from God: A show, narrated by Kim Kardashian, about how they picked People’s sexiest man of 2010. And at that moment, all other choices just melt away and I am just riveted to my seat. To give you a taste of what’s to come: the show, entitled 25 Years of Sexy: PEOPLE magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, was on ABC at 10 ET. Why the late hour? Because the witching hour is for when content is about to get HOT.
The Scientific Process of Picking The Sexiest Man
In case you were wondering, they use a very advanced process which involves sitting in a room, looking at photos of hot famous men, and writing their names in lists on a white board. On how they pick that one photo that graces the cover, managing editor of the magazine Larry Hackett says, “At that moment of conception, the body needs to reach out and say ‘That’s it!'”
In case that didn’t make any sense to you, Kim Kardashian tells us that the sexiest man alive must be the “delicious nexus between art and sex.” This show is the most in-depth look at what is sexy I have really ever witnessed. Next, we get to talk to some “real” women (real must always be in quotes, because famous isn’t). They say that “sexy is energy, and personality”…and oh wait, also every other adjective possible — vulnerable, but masculine. No contradictions in this lot at all. They also bring on a real live anthropologist to tell us about people and how they are made.
The Has-Beens Who Were Once Hotter
We’re then introduced to Lisa Rinna, who is married to Harry Hamlin, the winner for 1987, who says that it’s commitment that’s attractive, not initial vibes: “It’s that twinkle, ten years later.” This is confusing, because he was voted sexiest man of 1987, yet he was not committed to People’s entire viewership. This leads me to believe that perhaps everyone should have their own personal sexiest man alive list. Mine would look something like this (in no particular order):
1) Guy I saw on the subway that one time who was the most attractive person I have seen in real life.
2) John Mayer, my spirit animal, despite and because of the fact that he has a weird sense of humor and everyone seems to hate him now.
3) Ryan Gosling.
4) Christian Bale, who I like more because he seems to have an anger management issue.
5) Every man who has ever not be remotely interested in me and therefore becomes exponentially more appealing.
Anyway, back to Lisa. She, and many others, are interviewed by some dude who looks vaguely familiar, and does not seem at all weirded out by the fact that he is talking about what it means to be beautiful despite the fact that he bears a close resemblance to Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter (HP 7.5 FRIDAY!)
Patti Stanger Keeps It Real, As Per The Usual
We then get to talk to my favorite person in the world, Patti Stanger, whose show The Millionaire Matchmaker is plugged about a thousand times, as it should be. She tells us that “Women are just as shallow as men when it comes to looks”, which, looking at my sexiest man alive list, is true. Here are some more fun facts:
Did you know she has 30,000 women waiting for her millionaires? How then, in every episode, is she screaming at the goth couple she works with and that stupid intern over how few decent women there are for her millionaires, none of whom she likes very much?
Also, “Women fall in love between their ears: They want a little money, a little power, and a hot factor.” I don’t know how looks and being wealthy and powerful can all be determined through the magic of hearing, but there you go. The last time I looked at the Fortune 500 list, there were photos and earnings listed, and I learned all of that with my eyes.
Bring Up Dead Beautiful People To Bring On The Tears
ABC then tugs at our heartstrings by interviewing Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze’s widow. It’s not enough they had to bring us their joint interview with Barbara Walters, now they need to tell us that the couple did “a little dirty dancing at home too”? Also, “There was something inside of him that was pure gold.”
“Real” People Can Look Good Too
Next, we’re introduced to some of the “real” men that have made the sexiest men list, which, let me tell you, is slightly sad as some of them are not looking so good. But, did you know women like a man in a uniform? Doesn’t even have to be military — FedEx will do. In fact, the exact line is: “When we come back…do you go gaga for a man in uniform? This FedEx guy knows how to deliver.” This is like a bad porn. Or just porn.
Some Other Hot Randos Who Are Sort-of Famous
Of these dudes, one of whom is a designer I’ve never heard of, and the other is Rocco Dispirito who seems like a poor woman’s naked chef, Kim says, “And from food to fashion, there are the men that make us look good. And really, what’s sexier than that?”
I don’t know Kim. I really don’t.
The Big Kahuna: Ryan Reynolds Is Your Sexiest Man
This is probably the most enjoyable part of the program, because Ryan gives us some great lines like “My body in it’s natural state is virtually a mirror image of Dick Van Dyke,” while Peter Pettigrew just drools over him and makes him give us sexyfaces. There’s also a bit about a “love affair about which Ryan is more forthcoming” — the one with his dog, who is a rescue lab. I felt my heart grow two sizes that day.
And Finally, More Science
ABC and People travel all the way to the University of Aberdeen in Scotland to the Face Research Lab, where they take this fancy photoshop machine and do some magic mashups of all the sexiest men of all 25 years which are then mathematically calculated and statistically balanced and what do you get?
A guy who looks looks totally handsome but is utterly nondescript because let’s face it, you don’t know him, so he can’t be very sexy to you, can he?
UPDATE: For an uncensored and hilarious look at some real sexy men, check out my friend Katy’s tumblr, Men I Would Fuck.