Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

And The Kim K Circus Rolls On

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Editors’ Note: This time, with less males.

8:02 pm We’re trying on wedding dresses again.

Kris calls Kris (momager) Granny?
According to Kim, everyone hates Kris first, and then they love him. And according to Kourtney, “Everyone’s in the hating him phase.”

Kim WENT TO MINNESOTA. I didn’t think she knew that place existed. In MN, she says, “We really need to have a talk about the dog memorabilia,” to which Kris (caveman) responds, “Those photos were professionally done.” She then counters by attacking his choice to have family photos by his bed, by saying “do you want to have sex and have those there?” Of course, Kim’s house is full of photos of her so…

8:04 pm Bruce and Kloe get cute. OMG. And according to Kris (momager), you can never be too honest.

8:06 pm “Even the grocery carts in Minnesota are weird,” according to Kim.
Picking up a copy of a magazine that apparently has Kim on the cover, Kris (caveman) remarks, “50 sex moves? I’ve only seen about three.” God I love them in Minnesota.
Stars: They’re just like us! They read magazines about themselves at the grocery store.
I like that Kim is hating on Khloe for not wanting to go to Minnesota when it’s like…hello do I even need to spell it out.

8:11 pm Molly sees the pistachio commercial for the first time and remarks “I can’t believe they’re having him in green.”

8:15 pm Kris (caveman) reminds Kim of bruce. uhoh.
Kris (caveman) wants to stay in Minnesota so “we can just start pumping out babies.” It’s cool that he’s honest about what people do there.
Kim: I think I fell in love with you because you could handle my career. Romantic.
(5 minutes later)
8:20 pm Kim: Definitely the thing O love the most about Kris is that he acts like a big kid. But then it annoys me.
Rob: On our way to Vegas and of course we’re flying commercial (ooooooh crazy hands).

Scott to Kris (caveman): What are you, a baby?

8:29 pm Kris (caveman) and Lamar decide to reenact The Lion King while at a club..

Kris (caveman): This is your world.
Lamar: It’s yours now too.

8:31 pm I WANT MORE OF KRIS’ (MOMAGER) MOM.
It’s Maria Menounos, my favorite fake star.
Kris (momager) says, “There is no way I’m letting Kim change her name.” Molly: Says the Manager, not the Mom.

Commercial break: “I’ve always been passionate about walking,” says Brook Burns.
Kourtney on whether Kim should change her name: “I think it’s a good idea if that’s what she wants to do.” Always the voice of reason.
Lamar at cheer camp is amazing. They almost look like a normal family.

8:43 pm Even Kris (momager) can’t hide the fact that it’s ridiculous that Kim is wearing three dresses to her wedding. Don’t worry, she’ll wear spanx.

8:52 pm Honesty is the best policy, again this episode?
Kourtney: This stickiness has now leaked through the paper towel.
Khloe: I would buy a hump rope.

8:57 pm Kim refers to Minnesota as “Yee-haw Minnesota.” Kris (caveman) responds with, “Nine years ago you sold clothes in a bo-tique in the valley. And now all of a sudden you’re Miss Princess.”

9:00 pm Kris (caveman) says he grew a mustache because he’s “just expressing himself.”

Watching a couple fight over seating is amazing. “You’re switching the Temples?” snaps Kris (caveman) in a tense tone. I am impressed that the editors made it appear in the commercials that they were fighting over a pre-nup.

9:08 pm Why is Rob wearing a sweatshirt at the rehearsal dinner tonight?

9:18 pm Kim is taking fabric from one of her dad’s shirts and is cutting a heart out and is sewing it into where her heart is in the dress.
Her emotional breakdown about her dad is one of the few real moments I’ve seen on this show.

9:27 pm This LivingSocial plug after Kim’s emotional moments is really the crassest juxtaposition this show has done yet.

9:34 pm We haven’t seen them without make-up in such a long time. It’s amazing. As usual, Mason is stealing the show.

BEDAZZLED CROSS What. OMG Tre fab, as Kloe would say.
Kris (caveman) and Bruce are having a heart-to-heart but all I can look at is Kris’ stache. At least everyone else agrees and their is groomsman debate about it.

9:37 pm Say what you want about Kim having an extravagant wedding, she gives her mom earrings.
Maria Menounos with Joe Francis what?!
MJ the nana has a white manicure. Like, to die for.

9:39 pm Kris decides to shave his mustache right before the wedding as his last bit of control.

9:45 pm Mason is stealing the show and Kris (caveman) knows it.

And emerging from the foliage is…

9:55 pm Dina Lohan and Babyface. What. This is surreal.
Brittny Gastineau catches the bouquet.
Molly: Did anyone realize how horribly spelled her first name is.

The Kim K Show: Fairytales DO Come True

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Editors’ Note: There were men here for this one. They were pretty shocked with what they had to see.

7:03 pm Kim is wearing a see-thru tuxedo shirt. Do not discuss.

7:05 pm E! has decided to blur out a dog pooping.

Josh thinks Kris'(momager) office looks like Lex Luther’s.

7:09 pm Kris (momager) has a totally different face .
Josh: Re: Bruce “That dude looks like if Dave Coulier was a lesbian. And is Kim glued to that guy’s lap?

7:14 pm Humira is, in fact, for rheumatoid arthritis. Point one for Josh.
Kris (momager) wears so many 80s blazers I would like to see just the 80s blazer portion of her closet.

7:17 pm Kris (caveman) wants dogs in the bed. Little, little dogs. Josh: I like this guy.
Kris (momager) has taught us that plastic surgery is both normal and exciting.

7:24 pm You’ve gotta get out of the bad place and into the fun place.
Kris (caveman) to Kim: Your favorite thing is Hermes, and you new last name is going to start with an H.
Josh: This guy is seven.

7:27 pm Kim’s face doesn’t even fit in the frame because she’s so short and Kris (caveman) is so tall. You’re not meant to be if you can’t even fit together on tv.

(After and extended conversation about who Rob Kardashian is) Josh: Who is that bro in the back? Is that guy their brother? I would hate to be brother’s with this girl.
Rob should get a webseries.
In short succession, we’re sandblasted with really really shocking images. Like Rob’s ass, Kourtney doing her confessional in a Memoirs of a Geisha outfit, and Kris (momager) crying in a Tony Soprano track suit WITHOUT MAKE-UP ON.

7:35 pm Some genius has decided to edit between Kris (momager) having her facelift and the thing she’s lifting her face for (how she’s not as young and hot as her daughters). This is the definition of brilliance.
A conversation between children:
K1: I’m just worried.
K2: Why.
K1: Moms, um, surgery.

7:37 pm Commercial for Tower Heist THE MONEY’S IN THE POOL.

Khloe and Lamar rep pistachios? As in, the entire concept of the pistachio nut is now irrevocably tied to Khloe and Lamar?

7:41 pm Kris (momager) is totally drugged out and post surgery and the first thing she says is, “Kim, do you have any Binaca?” She DOES have a sense of humor.
Emma: She just air-kissed her mother.

7:43 pm Kris (caveman) compares Kris (momager) to the guy in Men in Black.

MC: I just think this is bad because Kris (caveman) is 7 years younger than Kim.
Josh: No, it’s just because he’s just seven.

7:48 pm Humphries. (Just a reminder that that’s his last name)

7:53 pm ‘I can’t be warned.” Is that like I can’t be tamed?”
MC: I think he’s so cute.

8:06 pm “Mom, your hair is shorter than a vagina’s bush and you talk forever.” UM WHAT.

8:11 pm I like that this prenup convo is going on when it says “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” in the bottom right.

8:25 pm Rob: I do worry about my body. (CUT TO: DANCING WITH THE STARS PROMO).
Khloe: Robert, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Rob: Lamar, give me the fruit roll-up.

8:30 pm Khloe is texting Rob how much she hates Kris (momager).

Rob has “That kardashian toosh”

8:33 pm On Rob: “He’s sitting in the pantry…crying and masturbating.”

Aaron: I want a show with only Kris and lamar playing basketball, and I’m going to call it the NBA.

8:39 pm Kourtney: I’m going to turn on the heat at night so you lose a few lbs.
Yup Rob, this is totally better than Khloe and Lamar’s.
My boys…Lamar…Scott…Fat Rob.
“If I’m going to have a six pack by the wedding…you’re not going.”

Kris (caveman): Why does Kim feel like she can show up? I don’t go to her dress fittings.
God he’s real. It’s like he never got past that stage as a small child where you say everything you think because you don’t realize its rude.

8:42 pm Rob to Scott: Dickie boy, you’re not going to tell Kourt if i get a burrito, are you?

Real World problems: Christina Aguilera, or Robin Thicke at your wedding?

Aaron: Where are you now? I’m Kris (caveman) positive.

8:52 pm Stop trying to make “bible” happen, it’s not going to happen.

Kim: I almost just want the wedding to be over so we can enjoy our lives.
Emma: You will never enjoy your life because you’ll never be that satisfied.

“I just don’t think they’re that into me.”

8:58 pm Khloe is wearing a pirate bandana.

Burlesque V. Tangled

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There comes a time in every woman’s life when she must switch from watching poorly executed animated films about princesses to poorly everything films about, well, grown-up princesses. Or you can be like me and never grow up and get the best of both worlds. What does that consist of, you might ask? Watching both Tangled and Burlesque in the same week, and thoroughly enjoying both of them!

Well, truth be told, I actually enjoyed tangled more. Behold, a comparison of what it means to have female genitalia in this day and age:

BURLESQUE
Though these two posts have funnier and probably more comprehensive notes about the more hilarious aspects of Burlesque (respectively, its similarity to Showgirls, a cinematic classic that is now available on Netflix Instant, and the prominent role of gay men in the movie), there is still much to be said about Cher’s triumphant return to screen. Though I’m a huge fan of Cher’s based solely upon “Believe“, I do sort of agree with my father and think she’s a better actress than musician. If you disagree, watch either Moonstruck or Mask and call me up laughing/crying afterward. A large portion of the Lower East Side of Manhattan must be on my side, because when Megan and I went to see it, there were a number of high maintenance male couples attending. Why high maintenance? Apparently, it’s not appropriate to talk when “The 20” is airing 10 minutes before the previews have even started. Go figure.

It should be noted that these days I would watch Cher perform merely because she’s more interesting to look at than pretty. Her face is really something to behold. She stares at you, unblinkingly, and looks like some sort of bird of prey, or an alien life form, or maybe a really weird baby. But she’s least interesting when alone; her one number that she tiredly belts from an empty stage was incredibly boring. The only interesting part of it was that I could not for the life of me figure out who the DJ was, and upon googling it, I realize that he is Terrence Jenkins, Khloe’s co-host of “Khloe After Dark”, her radio show in Miami, who constantly has to cover for her when she’s late.

Other important males: Stanley Tucci, the gay costumer, who, while referencing one drunk night he had with Cher’s character, made me dream of a night in Vegas that was magical with him as well; Alan Cumming, in a brief cameo that was very much appreciated and made me realize what a ridiculously versatile actor he is; Cam Gigandet, who I always want to call Cam Gidget, and who looks better with eyeliner; and Eric Dane, who I will always remember most fondly from Valentine’s Day as a closeted gay football player. Generally though, it was the females who were more stronger and more interesting the males; Christina Aguilera takes up practically every single scene.

The movie was directed by Steven Antin, who is the brother of Robin Antin. This is the Robin who started a nouveau dance troop called the Pussycat Dolls, which combined some semblance of burlesque with stripping. She spun that off into the pop sensation PCD and finally started the illustrious career of Nicole Scherzinger. Once you have that in mind, this version of burlesque doesn’t seem that far-fetched at all from what the original conceit really is. By the end of the film, you’re only a little bit sick of seeing this clean, crisp, albiet somewhat boring dance style that they have created. The cinematography was excellent; the edits horrible. And the script — not the reason to see this movie. There were several times where Megan and I wondered where on earth the plot was going to go, despite having a feeling we knew exactly where it was headed. When Cher’s character discoveres Christina Aguilera’s Ali talent, she gets her big break in literally three minutes. “Oh, you’re nobody? Oh, I’m making a show about you.” Speaking of Ali, the hair was miserable. The hair was a tragedy. It was the most distracting thing about the movie, and I pray to god it was a wig.

Burlesque finishes with the song “Show Me How You Burlesque”, which was supposedly written by Ali’s cute jazz piano playing roomie-turned-boyfriend Jack (Cam Gidget). To say that it was the most unrealistic thing about this movie that Jack, who was a jazz piano player, would have been inspired to write this R&B tinged pop number, is probably a stretch. What’s worse is the title of this song, which makes no sense.

TANGLED
Tangled was definitely a far better film. The two main characters were voiced by Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi (of Chuck!), so I was obviously biased towards it before the film even began, but it really was very pleasant to watch. The trailer’s humor had me doubting, and Disney’s marketing of the movie was not my favorite, but really, animation alone, this one blew it out of the park. There was a scene with floating lanterns on the water that literally made me tear up.

These pictures don’t really do it justice at all, because watching them move is half the fun, but check it out.


Images via Disney

I have actually not seen a movie in 3D since I was a kid, and so that was weird. The biggest improvement there would be just making lenses you could put over your glasses if you wear them, because the double frames was pretty uncomfortable, though apparently hilarious (it was too dark in the theater for KB’s picture to come out, fortunately for me). KB also pointed out that it was frustrating that basically our only choice was to see it in 3D. It didn’t really make things much cooler, though at some points I did reach out and try to touch the air like an idiot. And Rapunzel’s hair really did have a life of it’s own. Along this line, I was pleasantly surprised with the attention to detail, not just animation-wise. I was consistently pleasantly surprised by plot developments or features that I would not have predicted.

There’s not much else to say, other than see it. As I implied before with my blatant other-post-linkage, it’s the last of the Disney Princess movies, but I totally dug it, and left feeling warm inside, which is what we all really want from them anyway.

A bonus: Flynn Rider in 10 sexy pictures. He’s the hottest “prince” in a long while, which is saying a lot, considering the weird crushes I had as a child on both Simba and Robin Hood, the animated.

Things To Be Fascinated With, In Vanity

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1) Being A Hand Model Sounds Like Hard Work

I could watch this woman talk all day (in fact, watch the whole piece here, which answered most of my questions, though certainly not all). Ellen says, “I am the supermodel of hands because my hands are flawless.” Our trusty correspondant then says “Beautiful” in a creepy voice, and is schooled on how to best touch them. Really guys, things are getting steamy in here. They get even weirder in this segment about her feet also.
In the longer piece, other hand models are interviewed, and they talk about the different products they sell. The best quote: “Ellen serves dinner. Christina holds diamonds. Even in the hand modeling world, women can’t have it all.” Too real. As is this comment below the video:

2) Good Thing None Of The Kardashian’s Have K Middle Names
Daphne Merkin covers The Kardashian family in a very amusing story. I really can’t get enough of them. They’re so calming.

3) Watch All The BlueFly Closet Confessions Videos
It’s like all my fave people in one fell swoop.

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