Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Moms Of The World Love Mark Bittman

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Said Tweet.
Said Article.

Feminism At A Younger Age

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KB: A coworker of my dad’s gave me a documentary for girls to comment on when I was 11. She’s on set with him today observing today and brought the below. He took a photo and sent to me and my mom. Prepare to make fun of me forever. Also, I was not good at grammar then.

Kate: AMAZING. Caps necessary and intended.

Amulya: AHAHAHAHAH. Dying. I love how your whole review is just suggestions for what things they SHOULD have added. Esp. your invention of the proverb “you can do anything if your heart LEADS YOU TO IT”, aka hopefully you get lucky and your heart decides to lead you in the right direction, bitch.

Also wow how did you end up basically illiterate at age 11?

KB: I was NOT illiterate. RUDE!

Long-form writing was not a strength apparently. 11 year olds write in lists. Or at least I did when 11.

It was a review. I was very a critical thinker from a young age.

KB: But in seriousness, I was terrible at using transitions until high school. I struggled with them in a big way in middle school.

Amulya: Also please tell me the violent scrawl at the bottom is your signature

KB: It can’t be.

I do appreciate that the core principles I still agree with.

The Kim K Show: Fairytales DO Come True

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Editors’ Note: There were men here for this one. They were pretty shocked with what they had to see.

7:03 pm Kim is wearing a see-thru tuxedo shirt. Do not discuss.

7:05 pm E! has decided to blur out a dog pooping.

Josh thinks Kris'(momager) office looks like Lex Luther’s.

7:09 pm Kris (momager) has a totally different face .
Josh: Re: Bruce “That dude looks like if Dave Coulier was a lesbian. And is Kim glued to that guy’s lap?

7:14 pm Humira is, in fact, for rheumatoid arthritis. Point one for Josh.
Kris (momager) wears so many 80s blazers I would like to see just the 80s blazer portion of her closet.

7:17 pm Kris (caveman) wants dogs in the bed. Little, little dogs. Josh: I like this guy.
Kris (momager) has taught us that plastic surgery is both normal and exciting.

7:24 pm You’ve gotta get out of the bad place and into the fun place.
Kris (caveman) to Kim: Your favorite thing is Hermes, and you new last name is going to start with an H.
Josh: This guy is seven.

7:27 pm Kim’s face doesn’t even fit in the frame because she’s so short and Kris (caveman) is so tall. You’re not meant to be if you can’t even fit together on tv.

(After and extended conversation about who Rob Kardashian is) Josh: Who is that bro in the back? Is that guy their brother? I would hate to be brother’s with this girl.
Rob should get a webseries.
In short succession, we’re sandblasted with really really shocking images. Like Rob’s ass, Kourtney doing her confessional in a Memoirs of a Geisha outfit, and Kris (momager) crying in a Tony Soprano track suit WITHOUT MAKE-UP ON.

7:35 pm Some genius has decided to edit between Kris (momager) having her facelift and the thing she’s lifting her face for (how she’s not as young and hot as her daughters). This is the definition of brilliance.
A conversation between children:
K1: I’m just worried.
K2: Why.
K1: Moms, um, surgery.

7:37 pm Commercial for Tower Heist THE MONEY’S IN THE POOL.

Khloe and Lamar rep pistachios? As in, the entire concept of the pistachio nut is now irrevocably tied to Khloe and Lamar?

7:41 pm Kris (momager) is totally drugged out and post surgery and the first thing she says is, “Kim, do you have any Binaca?” She DOES have a sense of humor.
Emma: She just air-kissed her mother.

7:43 pm Kris (caveman) compares Kris (momager) to the guy in Men in Black.

MC: I just think this is bad because Kris (caveman) is 7 years younger than Kim.
Josh: No, it’s just because he’s just seven.

7:48 pm Humphries. (Just a reminder that that’s his last name)

7:53 pm ‘I can’t be warned.” Is that like I can’t be tamed?”
MC: I think he’s so cute.

8:06 pm “Mom, your hair is shorter than a vagina’s bush and you talk forever.” UM WHAT.

8:11 pm I like that this prenup convo is going on when it says “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” in the bottom right.

8:25 pm Rob: I do worry about my body. (CUT TO: DANCING WITH THE STARS PROMO).
Khloe: Robert, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Rob: Lamar, give me the fruit roll-up.

8:30 pm Khloe is texting Rob how much she hates Kris (momager).

Rob has “That kardashian toosh”

8:33 pm On Rob: “He’s sitting in the pantry…crying and masturbating.”

Aaron: I want a show with only Kris and lamar playing basketball, and I’m going to call it the NBA.

8:39 pm Kourtney: I’m going to turn on the heat at night so you lose a few lbs.
Yup Rob, this is totally better than Khloe and Lamar’s.
My boys…Lamar…Scott…Fat Rob.
“If I’m going to have a six pack by the wedding…you’re not going.”

Kris (caveman): Why does Kim feel like she can show up? I don’t go to her dress fittings.
God he’s real. It’s like he never got past that stage as a small child where you say everything you think because you don’t realize its rude.

8:42 pm Rob to Scott: Dickie boy, you’re not going to tell Kourt if i get a burrito, are you?

Real World problems: Christina Aguilera, or Robin Thicke at your wedding?

Aaron: Where are you now? I’m Kris (caveman) positive.

8:52 pm Stop trying to make “bible” happen, it’s not going to happen.

Kim: I almost just want the wedding to be over so we can enjoy our lives.
Emma: You will never enjoy your life because you’ll never be that satisfied.

“I just don’t think they’re that into me.”

8:58 pm Khloe is wearing a pirate bandana.

This Hotel Is Too Cheap To Have E!: The Emmys, With Mom

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6:23 pm: We’re in a rockin’ Best Western and and apparently Fox and the Emmys are taking steps to go green with a solar paneled red carpet?
Never mind. Alan Cumming asks why girls have to have all the fun? Good question.

Also my mom wants to know if her “lame comments” will be included. Yes.

6:28 pm: Fox is such a lowbrow affair, even with our good friend Nancy whatshername doing celeb interviews.
Vanessa Marano aka Bey from Switched at Birth is maybe more charming in real life? She just made an ASL sex joke.

6:35 pm: Who IS this dude with the announcer voice? He seems both pleased and out of place. But he’s better than British lady and her Justin Theroux-esque sidekick.

7:41 pm: I’m excited I just got to see the first trailer for Dolphin Tale. I actually wondered if that movie was real.
For some reason it’s this season that I’m most reminded that Fox is reaping the rewards of the Emmys with all this advertising for fall tv.

Sophia Vergara is Columbian, did you know?
Rob Lowe and family are klinging to each other for dear life.

7:44 pm: Nancy and Kate Winslet rocking the red. Remember when the British tabloids stalked her for being fat?
Mark! His name is Mark, and he’s fumbling over Timothy Olphant and his sexy factor. Olphant is going lightly grey it’s a good look. They’re giving Mark little screen time, and with good notice – he’s terrible.

7:50 pm: Greg Kinnear here, reminding us that The Kennedy’s got nominated for things.
Laura Linneay kind of looks like she actually has cancer. Face/hair good, rest is just a long black shirt.
LL Cool J wearing an “applejack hat.” Now we know what these are called. His favorite show is about gator hunting.

Oh dear god! I love Melissa McCarthy’s color, but the patchwork seams are terrible. She’s really just been nominated for Bridesmaids for Mike and Molly, we all know.

8:05 pm: This intro is actually something. I wish all of tv lived in the same building.I do not wish that every award show would keep doing this retro intro thing is the thing these days.
Mom: What is Jane Lynch wearing? She looks terrible.

I wish I was at finger pistols with Jon Hamm.
They’re taking this a cappella thing FAR. How did they get these stars to agree to this?

8:12 pm: Happy Endings was nominated?! Mom: No, this must be a montage of everything. Nice editing though.
The Jimmys need to step near the mic.

8:16 pm: Julie Bowen wins for Modern Family. Mom says “The boob thing is really bad. She should have worn a turtleneck.

Julianna Marguiles saves the day with a joke about how she’s the funniest person on tv. She is!
Ty Burrell aka Phil wins! The onscreen married couple won omg so cute. He wrote this speech ahead of time, but it was so good and well done.

8:29 pm: So Modern Family is just going to keep rocking hmm. But this director is sexy. Christopher texts me: wtf.
“But most of all, I want to thank my modern family.”

Zooey Deschanel looks like a prom queen gone ary.
The next guy that wins for Modern Family‘s wife just gave the camera the best look! She did it again!
Is no one getting music-ed off? Mom starts doing the Jeopardy theme song.

8:43 pm: Kate: Charlie Sheen is wearing a wig, methinks. Mom says, “Charlie Sheen’s personality looks likes a wig.”

All the ladies getting together on stage. Sisters are doing it for themselves!

Melissa McCarthy thanks a man by saying “you’re like a handsome cheerleader in a suit.”

8:57 pm: Why is Kim K here? Reality tv isn’t just reality?
Let it be known I am not drunk, my cup just ran away from myself. OK MOM?!

9:02 pm: Kaley Cuoco looks so classy.
Why does The Amazing Race always win? No one watches…

9:07 pm: It’s the lots o’ male writers portion of the program.
This Dior commercial with a fake Monroe and Charlize Theron is weirdng me out.
Mom is more upset by the one with Samantha from SATC wearing a muumuu even though she “can’t believe it’s not butter.”

9:14 pm: Mom is groaning at Michael Bolton. But she thinks suits Lonely Island are wearing make it alright.
Kristen Wiig’s boobs are out to play, but they should go home.
Anna Pacquin looks great. Scott Caan is still short.

9:28 pm: Friday Night Lights better win.
It did! Touchdown! Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose!

9:33 pm: What an amazing selection of dramatic women. And why is Archie Panjabi sitting next to House?

Elmore Leonard’s show lady wins. “I love you Gram, even though you killed me.” Her husband is trying not to cry on national tv.

Is Velveeta trying to be Old Spice?

9:43 pm: Just because Martin Scorsese is Martin Scorsese doesn’t mean he’s funny.

However Kelly McDonald has a nice dress on.

I guess he’s a good actor, but I refuse to be into Game of Thrones.

9:53 pm: Anderson Cooper’s fake jersey expose is great.
This category was really like sophie’s choice. But win for Juliana.

9:59 pm: Kyle Chandler = best husband ever.

10:10 pm: Oh the Brits. Downton Abbey wins, KB enjoys.
Of course Maggie Smith isn’t here.

10:18 pm: The shoutouts to the accountants is such a flashback to another age.
The Kennedy’s better hold that win close to the chest.
Mildred Pierce is not feeling good. You can’t win against The Brits.
We’ve hit the “in memoriam” portion of the program. Are these sing off rejects? The dry ice is a nice touch. Mom: also why is this one guy wearing a leather jacket? Didn’t someone tell him to get with the program.

10:33 pm: Canadian Tenors. Let’s plug them, because no one knows who them were.

That’s Guy Pearce’s wife? Remind me what she’s been in.
Mom: Woah he’s a hunk.
Are Gwyneth and Claire Danes in a fight? The camera keeps cutting between them.
Kate Winslet seems to be more confident on the red carpet than now.
Mom: can we just talk about how her cleavage is so much nicer than that first woman’s?

Gloria Vanderbilt looks like she’s been embalmed. Note: she’s 87.

10:49 pm: Mom: I feel like I’ve watched all these shows myself now.
Also this tire commercial- I’m over it.

Mom on The X Factor: sometimes I feel like I’m not part of America.
Modern Family wins again. It’s just so safe, ya know?

The Daily Deal

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The copy for this Living Social Daily Deal here is as follows:

“When athletes are looking to step up their game, they turn to their playbook. As fun, fearless females all about winning the game of life, we have Cosmo. With today’s champion of a deal, you’ll get all of the best in fashion, beauty, relationships, health, entertainment, and more from the experts at Cosmopolitan magazine for a year for just $8 (a $15 value). Published in 34 languages and sold in more than 100 countries around the world, Cosmo is the authority on the issues that women really care about. Whether you’re looking to maximize the effectiveness of your workouts, learn about the latest in celebrity hairstyling, or figure out what your guy is really thinking in the bedroom, this mag’s got you covered. Score today’s deal now and count yourself a winner.”

In case you missed what’s most important about this text, let’s zoom in at this lovely juxtaposition:

“…Cosmo is the authority on the issues that women really care about. Whether you’re looking to maximize the effectiveness of your workouts, learn about the latest in celebrity hairstyling, or figure out what your guy is really thinking in the bedroom, this mag’s got you covered.”

I’m not sure what the set-up at Living Social is, but I assume it’s something along the lines of Groupon, where they spin lots of PR press about the company into something that’s a little more exciting. Though it doesn’t seem like they’re worried about making broad, sweeping generalizations. Though maybe I’m the rare woman who doesn’t really consider learning “about the latest in celebrity hairstyling” an issue “women really care about.”

A big shout-out to KB & Amulya via Liz, without whom I never would have seen this, as I don’t live in D.C. and wouldn’t consider this a deal even if I did.

The Oscars: OR Will Facebook Take Over Every Aspect Of Our Lives?

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SERIOUS predictions here. The moment is almost here. It’s Oscar time! (I just paraphrased Giuliana Rancic, kill me now).

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Javier Bardem, Biutiful
Jeff Bridges, True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
James Franco, 127 Hours

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Christian Bale, The Fighter — Christopher, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech — Emily

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right — Emily
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone — Jessie/Sean
Natalie Portman, Black Swan — Christopher, Francesca, Blake
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine — Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE FOR AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Melissa Leo, The Fighter — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit –Francesca
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom — Christopher, Kate

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist

Toy Story 3 — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake (What Whaaaat).

ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION
Alice in Wonderland — Francesca , Kate
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Jessie, Sean
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Blake
The King’s Speech
True Grit

ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAHY
Black Swan, Matthew Libatique — Emily, Jessie/Sean
Inception, Wally Pfister — Christopher
The King’s Speech, Danny Cohen — Kate
The Social Network, Jeff Cronenweth
True Grit, Roger Deakins — Francesca, Blake

ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN
Alice in Wonderland, Colleen Atwood — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
I Am Love, Antonella Cannarozzi — Kate
The King’s Speech, Jenny Beavan — Christopher, Francesca
The Tempest, Sandy Powell
True Grit, Mary Zophres

ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
Black SwanDarren Aronofsky — Emily
The Fighter David O. Russell
The King’s Speech Tom Hooper — Christopher
The Social Network David Fincher — Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
True Grit Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Exit through the Gift Shop — Emily
Gasland
Inside Job
— Blake, Kate
Restrepo — Christopher
Waste Land — Francesca

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
Killing in the Name
Poster Girl — Christopher, Emily, Francesca
Strangers No More — Blake
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang
— Kate

ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING
Black Swan Andrew Weisblum
The Fighter Pamela Martin
The King’s Speech Tariq Anwar
127 Hours Jon Harris — Jessie/Sean, Kate
The Social Network Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Blake

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Biutiful — Emily
Dogtooth
In a Better World — Francesca, Blake
Incendies — Christopher, Kate
Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) — Jessie/Sean (“Wanna just pick the one in French?”)

ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKE-UP
Barney’s Version, Adrien Morot — Kate
The Way Back, Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
The Wolfman, Rick Baker and Dave Elsey — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake

ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (SCORE)
How to Train Your Dragon, John Powell
Inception, Hans Zimmer
The King’s Speech, Alexandre Desplat
127 Hours, A.R. Rahman
The Social Network, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake

ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SONG)
“Coming Home” from Country Strong, Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and
Hillary Lindsey — Christopher, Kate
“I See the Light” from Tangled, Music by Alan Menken, Lyric by Glenn Slater
“If I Rise” from 127 Hours, Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong — Francesca
“We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3, Music and Lyric by Randy Newman — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake

BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
Black Swan — Emily
The Fighter
Inception

The Kids Are All Right
The King’s Speech — Christopher, Francesca
127 Hours
The Social Network
— Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter’s Bone

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM
Day & Night — Francesca, Blake
The Gruffalo — Christopher, Kate
Let’s Pollute
The Lost Thing

Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary) — Emily

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM
The Confession — Francesca
The Crush — Emily
God of Love — Christopher, Kate
Na Wewe — Blake
Wish 143

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Blake, Kate
Toy Story 3
Tron: Legacy
— Jessie/Sean
True Grit
Unstoppable

ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING
Inception — Francesca
The King’s Speech — Blake
Salt
The Social Network — Christopher, Emily, Kate
True Grit

ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
— Kate
Hereafter
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake
Iron Man 2

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
127 Hours, Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
The Social Network, Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake, Kate
Toy Story 3, Screenplay by Michael Arndt, Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
True Grit, Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
Winter’s Bone, Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Another Year, Written by Mike Leigh
The Fighter, Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson, Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
Inception, Written by Christopher Nolan — Emily, Jessie/Sean
The Kids Are All Right, Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg — Kate
The King’s Speech, Screenplay by David Seidler — Christopher, Francesca, Blake

TTMMW: Uncle Leo Was Really Creepy, Wasn’t He?

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This week, we’re going to do a train of thought, connect the dots Thelonious Monk Memorial Weblog. Try to spot the connection between each post! It’s like a game for your brain.

In news about Seinfeld, Uncle Leo (Real name: Len Lesser) died this week. Yo La Tengo does a little Seinfeld too:

When it comes to other Leo’s, Leonardo da Vinci’s lover may have been the model for the Mona Lisa. Since he was a big homo, this makes sense.

If you’d like to look at some art that actually is good, check out this detail work.

Want real real art? These arches take the cake.

Also I love rainbows! Maybe I should have grown up in the 70s when it was okay to walk around in tie-dye. Except the only tie-dye I have ever really loved was that one creamsicle shirt I made myself that always prompted my dad to go out and buy sherbert.

Along the dessert train, tere is an entire website devoted to the care and keeping of Crème brûlée. Flan is better. I made flan this week. Discuss.

In things that you’d think wouldn’t be around anymore but they are, here is a computer playing Jeopardy. The one thing i liked about this show was that it was basically gimmick free. Why’d they have to go make it all new wave?

I will say that I’m not consistently into these videos where people inspire us to love the gays, but this one is actually super cute and it’s about IOWA and proves that it is a state full of lots of different types of people.

Justified if back on the air, but not back on Hulu. Tears of a clown. Still, it’s pretty good. Elmore Leonard’s books really do translate amazingly to the big and small screens; just watch George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight. Do it. Really.

Roseanne is coming back to TV! “The program, from 3 Ball Productions/Eyeworks USA (The Biggest Loser), will look at Barr’s recent newfound life managing a fully-functional 40-acre macadamia and live stock farm on Hawaii’s Big Island alongside her long-time writer-musician boyfriend Johnny Argent and son Jake.” It’s The Biggest Loser cred that’s got me hooked, not the fully-functional 40-acre-macadamia farm, in case you were wondering.

I love Tootsie. There may have been one afternoon that Jessie and I biked along Lake Michigan, which was exhausting because I was out of shape and I had borrowed KB’s bike which was very rusty and then promptly lost the key somehow which I never do (lose things) and her bike remained locked to our back gate for approximately six months before I paid a very cute, awk young man too much money to saw it off and then she got it all fixed and it was stolen like two weeks later. What gives universe?

Anyway, that one day, we also got amazing sandwiches at Z&H before they were close to campus and were more of a luxury item and then came back to her apartment and ate them while watching this movie. It was perfection, summer-style. Tootsie has some “interesting feminist themes” according to Tony Scott. What doesn’t, Tony. What doesn’t. Also Teri Garr plays another lovable ditz (see Phoebe’s biological mother in Friends).

The Gehry building in downtown Manhattan is actually okay, though I don’t know why they couldn’t have made it seamless and had him design the school below as well.

For architecture that actually tells the test of time, look no further than this book The Complete Architecture of Adler and Sullivan. When I took the AP Art History test in high school, they totally had a Sullivan building on it and you had to identify the architect, but it was a really unfair question, because it was a completely nondescript building. Okay, it might have actually been the Schlesinger and Mayer Department Store, but it was a bad angle and I am certain basically no one got that right. I went on to rock that thing, in case you were wondering and you consider a 4 “rocking.”

Pixar again! Can’t get enough. I would sell my right, non-animating arm for a chance to go back and rewrite my history to be good enough to animate for them. Also, does anyone else have a feeling that Melena Ryzik sticks out like a sore thumb in California? “What’s up Michael Cera?”

Michael Moore is an idiot and is trying to get more money from the Weinstein’s off of Fahrenheit 9/11. While I will say that I did sob silently during that movie, it was definitely due to the footage and not the film. It’s good to know that a dude who made an film entitled Capitalism: A Love Story is asking for an increase in his due profits. America at it’s finest.

Between Two Ferns is back, this time with perfectly paired Tila Tequila and Jennifer Aniston. Dad always said she was the most talented Friends cast member, and despite my soft spot for Ross (and Chandler in the early years) he may be right.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Tila Tequila from Between Two Ferns

Lightening never strikes the same place twice, but it does strike the same general area repeatedly.

This photo from French Photographer Lucien Clergue reminds me of one my dad took of me when I was probably around eight. Though obviously the one of me is a little more SFW.

Been trying to get into Raymond Chandler for some time.

Listen to David Oshinsky discuss his Pulitzer Prize–winning book Polio: An American Story, because Jonas Salk was incredible and I once made a highly realistic looking clay sculpture of him in fourth grade.

Computer Rosie the Riveters are not what you think they are, but are still very very cool, and show us that women can rock it in tech.

Unfortunately, the South Street Seaport Museum, one of the only indications that the South Street Seaport Historic District is an actual neighborhood, has fallen on some hard times.

Dylan performed at the Grammys, which some people liked and some people didn’t. I say, just remember the old days:

Like father, like son: Two interviews with Teddy Thompson and Richard Thompson. The best part of Teddy’s interview is when he says, “I would never like to be compared with Michael Bublé. Ewww.” And here’s a good duet of the two of them:

New Paul Simon is pretty bomb, I’ll say. Stereogum is saying the Vampire Weekend fans will like it, but maybe it’s more historically accurate to say that Paul Simon fans might like Vampire Weekend?

Listen to Jame Blake’s cover of Case Of You, one of the best love songs ever.

This piece on not drinking and dating is actually nice, honest and not total bullshit.

Let’s leave it with James Dean and Brigette Bardot, who said it best when he said “If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he’s dead, then maybe he was a great man.”

Playboy, July 1964.

The Grammys 2011: Lady Gaga Emerges From The Egg

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7:00 Barbara Streisand is going to be here? Why?
LL Cool J introduces this tribute to Aretha Franklin, because he has won a Grammy, is black, and also on a CBS show. Kate: Wouldn’t it have been awesome is LL hadn’t spelled RESPECT correctly during his intro? A girl can dream. Whatever, the tribute to Aretha is great. I cried.
KB: This is the greatest group of people ever! They include Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence without her Machine, Yolanda Adams (who everyone was like “Gigga what?!” but is a Gospel singer, and Christina Aguilera, who appears to be in front of a microphone stand made of anal beads. But it’s all good; this is an amazing medley and why we watch the Grammys. It will all be downhill from here (Note: It mostly was).
KB: They are paying tribute to Aretha with their crazy outfits. Jessie: But no crazy hats.
“Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves!” It would be great if they brought Annie Lennox out right now but they won’t.

I wish I was watching The First Wives Club right now. Aretha comes on in a prerecorded video to thank everyone for “the flowers, beautiful flowers.”

Aretha’s touching moment and a lovely performance was swiftly ruined by this ad: “This Valentine’s Day, why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels?”

7:21 It is literally all downhill from here now. We all plan to now go get drunk by ourselves in separate bars because Train just won for “Hey Soul Sister.” They do seem to show a little self-awareness in their acceptance speeches, thanking “Justin Bieber for not being a duo or group” and some dude at the record label “who gave us another chance.” They are thankfully drowned out by some sort of organ music?

Ricky Martin shows up, wearing the aforementioned silver pants. Jessie: We can all eat our words, they are jeans, Ricky Martin. He pronounces Lady Gaga’s name “Ga Ga.”

It appears this egg is maybe more of a cocoon? She sounds amazing live, as per the usual, and has a lovely set of interpretive dancers.
Jessie: Yea she’s whipping her hair!
She also has some sort of interesting sidestep dance going on? And then serenades us with a little organ interlude, perhaps the theme of the night. Jessie: Guys, Bach is with us at the Grammys. (BTW, Kate is related to him, itsnobigdeal.
Sean: She can come in an egg anytime she wants.

7:33 I just viscerally reacted to Blake what’s his last name, who is married to Miranda Lambert. He says some inappropriate thing that Jessie thinks “means I was inside of her 20 minutes ago. Oh wait they are married!” We then have a conversation about how funny it was when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton did that at some awards show in the limo on the way there.
Wake me up in 10 minutes, she’s performing. There’s some sort of photo montage in the background we’re mostly unimpressed with, but Jessie points out that “They’re probably Iraq veterans, assholes.”
KB: Because they’re country. Except here’s the thing, I think she’s ugly, and that’s my problem with her.

7:38 Lenny Kravitz looks good. I hope they cut to Nicole Kidman (Note: They did not. How come at every awards show, when Jennifer Aniston is presenting, they show Angelina placidly staring at the stage, but they can’t remind us of those weird days when Nicole and Lenny were a couple?)

7:49 “Music always needs new stars,” Ryan Seacrest tells us. With that, we get B.o.B wearing a monocle! A monocle! My Mom used to joke that I would have to get one because my eyes were such different prescription but they totally evened out so HAH TAKE THAT MOTHER. He drops it off when he sings “ended up with none.” None more the monocle.
And Bruno Mars gets his performance in Black and White. He’s done an old-school rendition of “Grenade” that’s a little pitchy, especially at the end, but super cool. Cyndi Lauper is pleased.

7:59 At least Miranda Lambert thanked the songwriters and kept it short when she won.
“Up next: Justin Bieber and his mentor Usher take the stage.”
I have counted 3 Taylor Swift commercials thus far. Go home Taylor.

8:06 J. Biebz is singing “Baby” but it sounds like he’s singing “Bieber Bieber Bieberrrr.” I totally would buy a conspiracy theory arguing that he’s merely promoting a cultish agenda. The Pinkett-Smith’s are beaming as Jayden joins him on stage, because I guess Jayden redid The Karate Kid and Justin provided vocals.
Sean: This is like Kidz Bop
Jessie: There are not enough ways for you to love me, Usher.

8:14 Muse wins, so Christina is happy, and one of them “would like to give a shoutout to my beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there.” We get it dude: You knocked her up. Congrats.

8:21 This is so awkward that Best Pop Vocal is being introduced by Selena Gomez. KB points out that what if Justin wins? Are they going to make-out? CBS is sure hoping so.

We’ll never know the beginning of what Gaga said because these censors are just being very loose with bleeping, but thank god Justin Bieber didn’t win.

I have a theory that smiling at all times in required in the Pinkett-Smith household. They are always beaming.
Gaga says that when writing this track she “imagined whitney houston was singing this because I wasn’t brave enough.” I want a Whitney response, and ASAP.
CBS interrupts the show with fucking David Letterman doing one of his patented not funny Top 10 lists. This cross promotion is ridiculous.
The Avery Brothers come on, finally giving us something not remotely Top 40. They sing to us, “If youre loved by someone you’re never rejected.”

8:30 We finally get the promised Bob Dylan performance, which of course everyone hates because he doesn’t sounds like he used to, but can I point out that he’s never been the most consistent. He sings “Maggie’s Farm” in some lovely sneakers, with Mumford & Sons, which means that MC’s happy. I like his special harmonica mic. Neil Young stands up and claps at the end, while J. Lo looks bored and pissed. Stars: They never really surprise you.

Ad for the Wisconsin Dells tells us that “after you vacation in the Waterpark Capital of the world, you’ll never look at water the same way again.” I am actually dying to go.

8:43 Lady Antebellum performs “Need You Now” which is a very truthful song about being drunk late at night and missing someone, but that doesn’t make it good.
Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon are presenting Best Country Album together. Why not. Kings of Leon then win, and we see them freaking out backstage. It would have been cooler, if a lot meaner, to see them losing.

8:47 Cee-Lo, Gweneth Paltrow, and the Muppets? What could be better? Group consensus is that these are definitely Jim Henson lite, or the poorman’s Muppets, but a little research proves that they are indeed his work.
They just bleeped the puppets singing the N word. That’s a first.
Gweneth does a very convincing “Ooh I really hate your ass right now!” Her shoes are amazing. We get into an argument about how much choice celebrities have when picking out their clothes with a stylist. If The Rachel Zoe Project is anything to go off of, the stylists just do the heavy lifting.
Cee-Lo, who probs didn’t have a stylist for his outfit, looks like a “Cher abominable snowman” according to Jessie.

8:57 Katy Perry performs. One lone hand in the audience keeps reaching out to her, it’s beautiful.
The backdrop is images of KP’s wedding to Russell Brand. KB sceams “Yes!” Katy Perry tells us that “Teenage Dream” “goes out to all the Valentine lovers.” She mimes the line “one touch” scandalously. And then we see Nicole Kidman singing along!
KB asks: Kidman or Paltrow: who rehabbed their image better?
Jessie: Katy’s control is awful. Look how she’s not belting the high notes.

9:02 John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban performing “Jolene” in honor of Dolly Parton, who received a Lifetime Achievement award tonight. Awesome. John wisely says that he’s “going to stick to the script.” Here’s a not-horrible version of it:

And then that beautiful performance was followed by yet another win for “Need You Now.” Doesn’t anyone notice that this song is awful?

9:12 Kate: Is Eminem wearing a beeper?
KB: Probably because those were popularized the last time he was at the Grammys. Burn.
He said fuck and they didn’t catch it! Take that, censors. I wonder who will literally or figuratively pay for that.
Is that Evanescence with him? Christina says it’s this girl who was in another song with Fort Minor, that band started by that guy in Linkin Park. They’re singing a new song “I Need A Doctor”, and it’s with Dr. Dre. Oh I get it!
Jessie: Dre is Eminem’s Usher to Bieber.

9:21 Shock on the Biebz face when Esperanza Spalding won was crazy. The fact that no one in this category is a new artist seems to bother no one. Immediately after the win, it appears that crazed Bieber fans wreaked havoc to Spalding’s Wikipedia page, which is unfortunate, because she’s incredibly talented.

Bieber Fans Attack Esperanza Spalding’s Wikipedia Page [Gawker]

9:32 It’s time for the people who died this year. Fun as usual.

9:34 KB: Who is wearing a cape? Oh, Mick Jagger, duh.
Jessie: I want a count of how many times his name has been rhymed with Swagger. Off the top of my head it’s 2, but I bet it’s much more.
KB: He is wearing sneakers.
Kate: I wondered about the shoes; they look Nike.

9:45 Kris Kristofferson (who looks remarkably like Jeff Bridges, but maybe that’s because I watched The Big Lebowski today) introduces Barbara Streisand by saying “She’s sweetened our lives…like the music did our life.”
Kate: This is so boring.
Christina: Can we fast-forward please?
Jessie: It’s sad because I was like, wait, can we?
Please note that here have been like two awards.

9:50 Will.i.am introduces the award for Best Rap Album, but seems to not realize that “since the inception of this award” is pretty meaningless as it is only a few years old.
Eminem wins! And is unemotional as usual.
Finally! Beyonce! KB: Why you gotta playa hate. (Note: I have no idea why she said this. The growler was finished awhile before).

Apparently they are BFFLs, according to KB and some People magazine article quoting an anonymous and bullshit source she read like six months ago.

9:58 I like that the song choice that is played as “Puff Daddy” walks up is “I Need A Girl.” His teeth look weird. Debate is had over why he is introduced as Puff Daddy, and it is settled that that’s probably the name he won his Grammys in.
Rihanna and Drake perform in front of a timber pile. Rihanna brings out the Rude Boy dance, thank god. I really wish she and Drake would reconcile as more than just collaborators. I never realized that in “What’s My Name” the exact lyrics are “Say my name, say my name — wear it out.”

10:02 Jenny from the Block has to remind us that she’s married to Marc Anthony. They really make me appreciate couples who are rarely seen together.
“The song otherwise known as ‘Forget You'” is nominated. Someone had a field day with that one.
LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS AGAIN. They are shaking their heads in disbelief. Please shake your heads Lady Antebellum, we at home are as well. BOORRRRRINNGG.
The next episode of Criminal Minds is about a life coach that turns deadly. I may watch this.

10:11 Jason Segel is like “Why am I here introducing Arcade Fire? Oh wait I’m on How I Met Your Mother.

10:20 KB gets very upset about the Chrysler commercial because of their 90 spot during the Super Bowl that was paid for with taxpayer dollars that they have Chrysler has not paid back from the bailout thankyouverymuch.
Barbara and Kris Kristofferson, together at last!
What if Katy Perry won album of the year?! I wonder what Bob Dylan would think/say/emote?
Oh but we never have to worry because Arcade Fire wins for “The Suburbs”, a place that no one who listens to them ever wants to go back to.

That was perhaps the worst display of awards handed out I’ve seen in my young life. To make yourself feel better/worse about what crap it all is, read this Slate article that KB could not stop talking about as we whined about the injustice about it all about, well, the injustice of it all. And stay tuned for a short breakdown of artists that won awards and that we should be excited about.

Lady Gaga Is In An Egg: The Grammy Red Carpet 2011

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5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.

5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.

5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.

5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.

5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.

5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.

5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”

5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.

6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”

Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.

Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?

6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?

6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.

6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.

Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.

6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.

Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.

6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.

Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:

6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!

People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.

Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!

6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:

Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.

And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.

Images via Getty.

An Open Letter to Jennifer Aniston

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Dear Jennifer Aniston,

I was at the gym the other day when I saw a commercial for your new movie, Just Go With It. The commercial concluded with an overweight woman reacting to Brooklyn Decker getting out of the ocean by turning to you, JenAn, and saying something along the lines of, “It’s women like her who make you and I uncomfortable wearing bathing suits.” I’m sorry, but no.

I know your very famous husband very famously dumped you for a very famous beautiful person. I’d have self-esteem issues too if that happened to me. But I promise — you’re gorgeous.

All you have to do is look at the billboard for this same movie where you are rocking a very sexy dress. I’d kill for your body. And as MC said, your hair is the perfect honey blonde. Rock it girl.

And the best way to rock it is to not make a movie where the central conceit is not based around you being uglier than this other girl.

I’ve been a fan of yours since Friends and I’ve seen most, if not all, of your terrible movies. So this is an intervention. Make crappy movies (I don’t care – I love them all the same), but don’t make movies where the plot is formed around you not being as hot as Brooklyn Decker. It just pisses off your fans. And does a disservice to you and your hotness.

Much Love,
KB

PS: Office Space is an underrated film. I really think it’s your best work.

Editor’s Note: I have been unable to find the spot that KB refers to on the internet (if you come across it, let me know!). Please instead subsidize your viewing pleasure this Super Bowl teaser trailer. Note the repeated footage of Brooklyn Decker rising from the water, and the end tagline “Tell your girlfriend it’s a romantic comedy.” Charming.

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