Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Who Smurfed It Better?

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Because it’s always a competition.

Yes, Let’s Have Chris Brown Perform After Whitney Houston Dies: The Grammys 2012

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7:00 pm Well, at least the show is off to an okay start with Bruce.

Everyone gets strings behind them when they’re old, even the Boss.

7:04 pm Oh, there’s Gaga.
I’d get drunk if I drank everytime LL licked his lips. It must be because of “the Heavenly Father.” They’re so lucky that he was set to be host already. “You know, life consists of joys and sorrows,” LL tells us
Christopher is probably happy, they’re playing Whitney’s 1991 Grammy performance.
“Sir O.G. Paul McCartney.” #thingsthatLLsaid #grammys

7:16 pm NO NO NO FOO.
HIMYM proves that even Kal Penn is looking for love.

7:20 pm BONNIE RAITT. Thank you for remembering Etta. Alicia: Uh huhh. Let’s do it. She also makes an “At Last” joke. I get it Alicia. I see what you just did there. Bonnie Raitt’s like, when can I get the fuck out of there.

Adele thanks her doctors. Alicia Keyes is like, hey remember when I won 5 Grammys? Like that’s not happening again.
Aaron: Chris Brown is like if Usher was evil.
Alberto: So I’m getting the same thing as at the Super Bowl, where the set is more interesting than the performance.
No audience shots. Interesting.

7:35 pm Grammy winners Fergie and Mark Anthony. Terrible.
Guys, electronica has had a really good influence on rap and making it tangible for the masses.
Alberto: Reba is starting to look like Dana Carvey’s Ross Perot.
Aaron: Kelly Clarkson’s tattoo (a puzzle piece) is Justin Guarini.

7:46 pm So Foo performed. In another venue so everyone at the Grammys could go to the bathroom and we wouldn’t be “bored.”
(Unrelated) Jessie: Thanks for bringing your dip y’all.
Mastercard: The courage to be old and sexy.

This commercial is like the CTA every morning.

Aaron: My brother uses Coldplay as an adjective to describe things he doesn’t like.

7:56 pm Kate: What corner of the room is Rihanna in? Aaron: A hopeless corner.
Kate: I would go to a concert that was just this song for an hour and a half. Jessie: You mean you getting ready every Friday night?
Alberto: She better watch it, she’s getting an MC Hammer number of dancers.

More Coldplay. I wish Gwyneth was here and not like at home with a $1000 face mask on.
Coldplay and Rihanna have Tangled behind them.
All I’ve learned is that Chris Martin did a bad job shaving this morning.

Chipotle commercial. Willie Nelson Coldplay cover. Discuss.

8:09 pm Literally everyone is like, why are you here NCIS girl who is drunk.
[FOO WINS. SILENCE.]

8:16 pm So Ryan Seacrest owns the Grammys, and is owning this with his presence.
Look how square Foster the People are. Jessie: The bassist is having a good time. He’s like, look at this pleat in my pants.

#ladygagadancingtothebeachboys

8:31 pm It’s like LL is ready to be on the runway.
Sir Paul McCartney has become Burt Bacharach. And they didn’t cut to Diana Krall once. He’s proof that a standing O is just peer pressure.

8:36 pm Chris Brown: I’ve got to thank the Grammys for letting me get on this stage. Let me now rush off as quickly as possible.

8:40 pm Taylor is not playing the banjo right now. She’s instead sitting against the set of Le Mis and Urinetown.
Jessie: She’s such a next-door hottie.
This is so that scene in Freaky Friday where the mom plays for the daughter off-stage because the mom who everyone thinks is the daughter has to fake-play guitar.
Bonnie Raitt is not having Taylor’s “They like me! They really like me!” routine.

8:51 pm ADELE. Songwriters. Etc.
Jessie: Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Connelly, the same.

8:54 pm Oh has Katy Perry decided to promote a new album, 2 years later?
I don’t know who was like, yeah, show off your love handles Katy Perry, that’s sexy. But oh HELLO guitarist.
“Now look at me I’m sparkling….You will never put me out again/I’m glowing.” This new single is a clear dig to Russell Brand, gossip columns will cry out Monday morning.
Like, that was controversial to me, that performance.

8:57 pm I think Miranda and Blake are getting divorced. I can only pray as much, then their marriage won’t be forced down my throats.
Lady Antebellum is just the worst. It’s upsetting how much more upset I get about the decline of country music in America than any other kind.

9:05 pm Wow Gwyneth and Chris Martin are in the same room. Who knew.

Adele = flawless. Just stop smoking, I worry. AND she looks like she’s having fun.

9:16 pm Survivor commercial: Swimsuit photographer?

When did country become ok with men with skinny jeans, mullets and v-necks?
Jessie: Hey, there’s someone actually playing the banjo.

9:23 pm Paul McCartney and his ilk are literally the only ones old enough to cut to during this Glen Campbell performance.
Jessie: Look at these women sitting down and texting.

9:23 pm Carrie Underwood is such a pageant queen. I also find Tony Bennett one of the most overrated performers in American history. This is too Vegas and not enough Jazz.
It’s like some of these people got scalped tickets to sit under the benches and look up people’s skirts.

9:34 pm Bon Iver: It’s hard for me to accept this award because I’m balding and should shave my head. But a legit speech.

Christopher: Music. You might have heard of it #grammyfoundation

9:39 pm In memoriam, finally.
I just wonder if Whitney had died earlier this year how that would have changed this ceremony. Who is to say that Amy Winehouse or Etta is more or less influential than her?

9:50 pm Every time I see David Guetta I just think about how white he is.

The Grammys are acting like there’s a lack of options when it comes to performers.

9:57 pm I just don’t understand why we have to watch all these special features. They’re usually on a separate DVD.

10:03 pm DRAKKKKEEEE.

10:05 pm NICKI AND DRAKE.


Breakdancing priests, you don’t see that everyday. Jessie: Sexy lady-cardinals.
Room: Wow.

10:10 pm Oh it’s the I’m-a-little-wasted-but-I’d-love-a-booty-call-Band.
“No surprise” “Rolling in the Deep”, Adele. Let’s not editorialize too much boys. She just thumbs’ upped the audience.

10:16 pm It’s Unforgettable how bad Poppy Montgomery’s fake red hair is.
Diana Ross and Lifetime Achievement Award. She would be the best camp counselor.

Album of the Year. Adele. Duh.
Jessie: Welcome. Welcome to America.
She looks like a crazy housewife, but it’s cool. “Mom, Gold is good!” And: “This record is inspired by something that everyone has been through, which is a rubbish relationship.”

I’m signing off now because I cannot handle another Paul McCartney performance, and neither can my peers. PEACE.

The Grammys 2011: Lady Gaga Emerges From The Egg

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7:00 Barbara Streisand is going to be here? Why?
LL Cool J introduces this tribute to Aretha Franklin, because he has won a Grammy, is black, and also on a CBS show. Kate: Wouldn’t it have been awesome is LL hadn’t spelled RESPECT correctly during his intro? A girl can dream. Whatever, the tribute to Aretha is great. I cried.
KB: This is the greatest group of people ever! They include Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence without her Machine, Yolanda Adams (who everyone was like “Gigga what?!” but is a Gospel singer, and Christina Aguilera, who appears to be in front of a microphone stand made of anal beads. But it’s all good; this is an amazing medley and why we watch the Grammys. It will all be downhill from here (Note: It mostly was).
KB: They are paying tribute to Aretha with their crazy outfits. Jessie: But no crazy hats.
“Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves!” It would be great if they brought Annie Lennox out right now but they won’t.

I wish I was watching The First Wives Club right now. Aretha comes on in a prerecorded video to thank everyone for “the flowers, beautiful flowers.”

Aretha’s touching moment and a lovely performance was swiftly ruined by this ad: “This Valentine’s Day, why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels?”

7:21 It is literally all downhill from here now. We all plan to now go get drunk by ourselves in separate bars because Train just won for “Hey Soul Sister.” They do seem to show a little self-awareness in their acceptance speeches, thanking “Justin Bieber for not being a duo or group” and some dude at the record label “who gave us another chance.” They are thankfully drowned out by some sort of organ music?

Ricky Martin shows up, wearing the aforementioned silver pants. Jessie: We can all eat our words, they are jeans, Ricky Martin. He pronounces Lady Gaga’s name “Ga Ga.”

It appears this egg is maybe more of a cocoon? She sounds amazing live, as per the usual, and has a lovely set of interpretive dancers.
Jessie: Yea she’s whipping her hair!
She also has some sort of interesting sidestep dance going on? And then serenades us with a little organ interlude, perhaps the theme of the night. Jessie: Guys, Bach is with us at the Grammys. (BTW, Kate is related to him, itsnobigdeal.
Sean: She can come in an egg anytime she wants.

7:33 I just viscerally reacted to Blake what’s his last name, who is married to Miranda Lambert. He says some inappropriate thing that Jessie thinks “means I was inside of her 20 minutes ago. Oh wait they are married!” We then have a conversation about how funny it was when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton did that at some awards show in the limo on the way there.
Wake me up in 10 minutes, she’s performing. There’s some sort of photo montage in the background we’re mostly unimpressed with, but Jessie points out that “They’re probably Iraq veterans, assholes.”
KB: Because they’re country. Except here’s the thing, I think she’s ugly, and that’s my problem with her.

7:38 Lenny Kravitz looks good. I hope they cut to Nicole Kidman (Note: They did not. How come at every awards show, when Jennifer Aniston is presenting, they show Angelina placidly staring at the stage, but they can’t remind us of those weird days when Nicole and Lenny were a couple?)

7:49 “Music always needs new stars,” Ryan Seacrest tells us. With that, we get B.o.B wearing a monocle! A monocle! My Mom used to joke that I would have to get one because my eyes were such different prescription but they totally evened out so HAH TAKE THAT MOTHER. He drops it off when he sings “ended up with none.” None more the monocle.
And Bruno Mars gets his performance in Black and White. He’s done an old-school rendition of “Grenade” that’s a little pitchy, especially at the end, but super cool. Cyndi Lauper is pleased.

7:59 At least Miranda Lambert thanked the songwriters and kept it short when she won.
“Up next: Justin Bieber and his mentor Usher take the stage.”
I have counted 3 Taylor Swift commercials thus far. Go home Taylor.

8:06 J. Biebz is singing “Baby” but it sounds like he’s singing “Bieber Bieber Bieberrrr.” I totally would buy a conspiracy theory arguing that he’s merely promoting a cultish agenda. The Pinkett-Smith’s are beaming as Jayden joins him on stage, because I guess Jayden redid The Karate Kid and Justin provided vocals.
Sean: This is like Kidz Bop
Jessie: There are not enough ways for you to love me, Usher.

8:14 Muse wins, so Christina is happy, and one of them “would like to give a shoutout to my beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there.” We get it dude: You knocked her up. Congrats.

8:21 This is so awkward that Best Pop Vocal is being introduced by Selena Gomez. KB points out that what if Justin wins? Are they going to make-out? CBS is sure hoping so.

We’ll never know the beginning of what Gaga said because these censors are just being very loose with bleeping, but thank god Justin Bieber didn’t win.

I have a theory that smiling at all times in required in the Pinkett-Smith household. They are always beaming.
Gaga says that when writing this track she “imagined whitney houston was singing this because I wasn’t brave enough.” I want a Whitney response, and ASAP.
CBS interrupts the show with fucking David Letterman doing one of his patented not funny Top 10 lists. This cross promotion is ridiculous.
The Avery Brothers come on, finally giving us something not remotely Top 40. They sing to us, “If youre loved by someone you’re never rejected.”

8:30 We finally get the promised Bob Dylan performance, which of course everyone hates because he doesn’t sounds like he used to, but can I point out that he’s never been the most consistent. He sings “Maggie’s Farm” in some lovely sneakers, with Mumford & Sons, which means that MC’s happy. I like his special harmonica mic. Neil Young stands up and claps at the end, while J. Lo looks bored and pissed. Stars: They never really surprise you.

Ad for the Wisconsin Dells tells us that “after you vacation in the Waterpark Capital of the world, you’ll never look at water the same way again.” I am actually dying to go.

8:43 Lady Antebellum performs “Need You Now” which is a very truthful song about being drunk late at night and missing someone, but that doesn’t make it good.
Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon are presenting Best Country Album together. Why not. Kings of Leon then win, and we see them freaking out backstage. It would have been cooler, if a lot meaner, to see them losing.

8:47 Cee-Lo, Gweneth Paltrow, and the Muppets? What could be better? Group consensus is that these are definitely Jim Henson lite, or the poorman’s Muppets, but a little research proves that they are indeed his work.
They just bleeped the puppets singing the N word. That’s a first.
Gweneth does a very convincing “Ooh I really hate your ass right now!” Her shoes are amazing. We get into an argument about how much choice celebrities have when picking out their clothes with a stylist. If The Rachel Zoe Project is anything to go off of, the stylists just do the heavy lifting.
Cee-Lo, who probs didn’t have a stylist for his outfit, looks like a “Cher abominable snowman” according to Jessie.

8:57 Katy Perry performs. One lone hand in the audience keeps reaching out to her, it’s beautiful.
The backdrop is images of KP’s wedding to Russell Brand. KB sceams “Yes!” Katy Perry tells us that “Teenage Dream” “goes out to all the Valentine lovers.” She mimes the line “one touch” scandalously. And then we see Nicole Kidman singing along!
KB asks: Kidman or Paltrow: who rehabbed their image better?
Jessie: Katy’s control is awful. Look how she’s not belting the high notes.

9:02 John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban performing “Jolene” in honor of Dolly Parton, who received a Lifetime Achievement award tonight. Awesome. John wisely says that he’s “going to stick to the script.” Here’s a not-horrible version of it:

And then that beautiful performance was followed by yet another win for “Need You Now.” Doesn’t anyone notice that this song is awful?

9:12 Kate: Is Eminem wearing a beeper?
KB: Probably because those were popularized the last time he was at the Grammys. Burn.
He said fuck and they didn’t catch it! Take that, censors. I wonder who will literally or figuratively pay for that.
Is that Evanescence with him? Christina says it’s this girl who was in another song with Fort Minor, that band started by that guy in Linkin Park. They’re singing a new song “I Need A Doctor”, and it’s with Dr. Dre. Oh I get it!
Jessie: Dre is Eminem’s Usher to Bieber.

9:21 Shock on the Biebz face when Esperanza Spalding won was crazy. The fact that no one in this category is a new artist seems to bother no one. Immediately after the win, it appears that crazed Bieber fans wreaked havoc to Spalding’s Wikipedia page, which is unfortunate, because she’s incredibly talented.

Bieber Fans Attack Esperanza Spalding’s Wikipedia Page [Gawker]

9:32 It’s time for the people who died this year. Fun as usual.

9:34 KB: Who is wearing a cape? Oh, Mick Jagger, duh.
Jessie: I want a count of how many times his name has been rhymed with Swagger. Off the top of my head it’s 2, but I bet it’s much more.
KB: He is wearing sneakers.
Kate: I wondered about the shoes; they look Nike.

9:45 Kris Kristofferson (who looks remarkably like Jeff Bridges, but maybe that’s because I watched The Big Lebowski today) introduces Barbara Streisand by saying “She’s sweetened our lives…like the music did our life.”
Kate: This is so boring.
Christina: Can we fast-forward please?
Jessie: It’s sad because I was like, wait, can we?
Please note that here have been like two awards.

9:50 Will.i.am introduces the award for Best Rap Album, but seems to not realize that “since the inception of this award” is pretty meaningless as it is only a few years old.
Eminem wins! And is unemotional as usual.
Finally! Beyonce! KB: Why you gotta playa hate. (Note: I have no idea why she said this. The growler was finished awhile before).

Apparently they are BFFLs, according to KB and some People magazine article quoting an anonymous and bullshit source she read like six months ago.

9:58 I like that the song choice that is played as “Puff Daddy” walks up is “I Need A Girl.” His teeth look weird. Debate is had over why he is introduced as Puff Daddy, and it is settled that that’s probably the name he won his Grammys in.
Rihanna and Drake perform in front of a timber pile. Rihanna brings out the Rude Boy dance, thank god. I really wish she and Drake would reconcile as more than just collaborators. I never realized that in “What’s My Name” the exact lyrics are “Say my name, say my name — wear it out.”

10:02 Jenny from the Block has to remind us that she’s married to Marc Anthony. They really make me appreciate couples who are rarely seen together.
“The song otherwise known as ‘Forget You’” is nominated. Someone had a field day with that one.
LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS AGAIN. They are shaking their heads in disbelief. Please shake your heads Lady Antebellum, we at home are as well. BOORRRRRINNGG.
The next episode of Criminal Minds is about a life coach that turns deadly. I may watch this.

10:11 Jason Segel is like “Why am I here introducing Arcade Fire? Oh wait I’m on How I Met Your Mother.

10:20 KB gets very upset about the Chrysler commercial because of their 90 spot during the Super Bowl that was paid for with taxpayer dollars that they have Chrysler has not paid back from the bailout thankyouverymuch.
Barbara and Kris Kristofferson, together at last!
What if Katy Perry won album of the year?! I wonder what Bob Dylan would think/say/emote?
Oh but we never have to worry because Arcade Fire wins for “The Suburbs”, a place that no one who listens to them ever wants to go back to.

That was perhaps the worst display of awards handed out I’ve seen in my young life. To make yourself feel better/worse about what crap it all is, read this Slate article that KB could not stop talking about as we whined about the injustice about it all about, well, the injustice of it all. And stay tuned for a short breakdown of artists that won awards and that we should be excited about.

Lady Gaga Is In An Egg: The Grammy Red Carpet 2011

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5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.

5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.

5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.

5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.

5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.

5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.

5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”

5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.

6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”

Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.

Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?

6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?

6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.

6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.

Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.

6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.

Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.

6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.

Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:

6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!

People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.

Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!

6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:

Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.

And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.

Images via Getty.

Maybe This Makes Me A Bad Feminist

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But I just can’t. stop. staring.

Image via Splash News

But that’s the point, right? To assuage my guilt, I’ll post this from 1977 as well, and be all like “Look how far we’ve come! Oh, the injustice!”:

No, that doesn’t work either, it’s just funny too and I want that t-shirt. Alarming that New West Magazine never got off the ground, with such a stellar ad campaign.

Victims and Conquerers

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1) I’m loving how previously reputable blogs have turned into mechanisms to attempt to get more ad sales, along the lines of lovely publications such asUs or Life and Style. The latest? The Daily Beast and The Huffington Post. Observe:

Why is this filed under entertainment.

My least favorite term.

2) Awesome Covers I Have Discovered As Of Late

Disclaimer: This does not mean they are new, only that they are new to me, something that Beverly Cleary once told me was very popular to say during the Great Depression. I’ve tried to get it to catch on in the New Recession, to no avail.*

Birthday Sex — jj

Is This Love — Corinne Bailey Rae

Electric Feel — Katy Perry

* “Claudine was more fortunate. Mrs. Klum solved her wardrobe problem by buying her three knit dresses, at five dollars a piece. Three new dresses, none hand-me-downs, and all at one time; the Miles girls, passing their clothes to one another, and I were awed by such luxury. We began admiring one another’s clothes by saying, ‘Is it new, or new to you?’” (228)

The Unlive Blog: Not Another Music Special

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Now that it’s holiday season, or now that I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that awards shows or musical television specials are some of entertainments greatest gems, we’re going to take a look at The USO Presents: VH1 Divas Live Salute the Troops

8:03 Kathy Griffin you are so funny I totally forgot you were hosting this despite the commercial I saw for VH1 Divas not but an hour ago that reminded me to watch this in the first place.

8:07 This is being filmed at the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. Top Gun was also filmed at Miramar. Fun fact.

8:11 Kathy Griffin: We’ve got an amazing show, so stay with us and watch my ass as I walk away.
Now the vignettes of personal stories from soldiers begin. Not to be too unpatriotic and jaded, but this is going to be one big ad for the army, now isn’t it?

8:12 Katy Perry is back. She’s def singing live, as she pulls a Pink and floats in from the ceiling. Apparently “California Gurls” will be both the song of the summer and forever.

8:16 Now we’re in Kuwait, where Paramore is playing LIVE. The introduction video to Camp Arifjan has not at all stereotypically been introduced with some Middle Eastern music. I will say that this girl from Paramore has a pretty sexy speaking voice, and is also horrible at playing volleyball.

8:17 But I’m not into the pink hair. It reminds me of middle school, and when Gwen Stefani had braces.

Neither of these were good times. Image via Marion Curtis/DMI/Time Life Pictures/Getty Images

8:24 Seriously Drew, I swear I will buy your lipstain. Just call and remind me. Also your family is crazy and when they say the Barrymore’s have been acting forever, they weren’t kidding, as a recent extensive wikipedia search lead me to discover. The first was born in 1849. That was a long time ago.

8:25 M.C.: Oh GRACE GRACE GRACE.
We’re confused as to how she got involved as a “diva”, but she is so pretty and talented and has again, even her speaking voice is cool.

8:27 Marisa Miller is a USO ambassador? What does that mean? She is hot. I often wonder how it took so long for her to become famous, because she really hasn’t been around until recently and is not quite a spring chicken. More a late-summer chicken.
M.C.: She does not have a good speaking voice.
Kate: When did this become what we judge everyone on during this show?

And enter…Seth, another random Army dude who will introduce the next act. He looks so serious and so unhappy but this is pretty cute…wait he’s introducing Sugarland because Jennifer Nettles is his sister?!
M.C.: I feel bad for Seth right now

8:28 I’m sorry, she has the most lesbian haircut I’ve ever seen. I also kind of dig her voice but hate it at the same time.

8:30 The addition of MC Lyte to this performance was really an interesting creative choice, especially because (to those of us who are more open-minded) they look like partners with these haircuts. Or maybe Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or maybe I just think that because they’re singing country and that show was just on…
Anyway, to relive the better days:

Jennifer: A shoutout to the women, who look very snappy in their uniforms as well!
Yup, quelling all those lesbian rumors that I’m starting so quickly.
Also, when googling Jennifer Nettles to find out more about her, I stumbled across another similar-looking country star, Miranda Lambert. In said search, I found this Yahoo! Answers gem:

8:32 Jersey Shore in 2 minutes. They don’t even say “The Cast of” or “Snooki and the Situation.” Just Jersey Shore. That poor location.

8:36 Commercial for Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business. What kind of family business? Like a hardware store? I wonder if he and Kim K. still talk secretly.

8:37 M.C.: I love how Kathy is wearing really trashy versions of “uniforms.”
Kathy Griffin: (On Bristol Palin) She’s the only contestant in the history of the show to gain weight…she’s like the white Precious. You can boo louder than that! I love it!…War is hell, war is hell!
The audience is not having any of this.
“So we gotta talk about Jersey Shore….” And then they applaud.

8:39 Snooki: Can you help us o the next introduciton marine? ‘Cmon, just read the lines marine.

8:40 Grace Potter again! M.C. sits up.
She looks fly. I want that dress for New Years. And her hair is so Heidi Klum.
SHE IS SO GOOD. BRB I’M JUST FREAKING OUT.
M.C.: Her dress is tiny. She’s somehow rocking it.
Kate: Her teeth are amazing.

8:47 MC I think the Grace Potter site is crashing right now, because so many people are visiting it.
Update: M.C. was indeed right

This (like Oprah and Groupon) is the perfect example of the deep connection between the internet and tv.
Grace Potter: Everybody needs rock and roll…everybody needs a good fist pump every once and a while, and I’m here to give it to them.
It’s interesting she thinks of herself as rock and roll and not bluegrass or country or something, or all three.
Wendy’s and VH1 have teamed up to make some sort of video called “Sacrifice and Support”, about mothers and military children.

8:55 These shots from below (the audience) make Nicki Minaj’s ass look even bigger.
VH1 apparently agrees that this is worth discussing:

9:01 OMG T.I. on Storytellers.
M.C.: I love T.I.
Kate: If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again — most symmetrical face ever.
Next we get an ad that tells us that “Sunday is the night…on VH1.” What kind of night, you may ask? The underlying subtext seems to be that sunday is the night for black people, with back to back episodes about Brandy and Ray J, basketball wives, and football wives.

(You’ll notice some time has passed. Things happened, they just weren’t that interesting).

9:37 FLOTUS aka Michelle Obama. Wait is she there?! Oh no, it’s just a video. She has lovely eyebrows.

9:45 Uh oh, after the break, a final Katy Perry song. They are really pushing her, much like she is pushing her boobs. And it’s “Firework”, duh. Her sparkly red dress has a very long slit, but I think she’s wearing a leotard underneath? But all of this is ruined because SHE HAS SEE-THRU PLASTIC STRAPS HOLDING HER DRESS UP.

9:53 Coolest commercial ever.

The show was alright. Loved the updated old school aesthetic, and the general respect for the troops without bringing politics into it. And I swear, I won’t do another Unlive blog soon because I’m sure they’ve beginning to drag on. It’s just with the holidays, there are sooo many good specials, what’s a girl to do?

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2010: The Unlive Blog

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A Night of A Thousand Fantasies: Get ready to use the word sexy far more than you ever should. I have a prediction: There will be lots of young hot bodies. I want some old hags.

9:01 I’m starting this post-live blog off wondering if it is even relevant to watch the actual show anymore because we’ve seen all these pictures so much earlier (the actual fashion show aired weeks ago). But the show is interesting because it’s much more a performance than normal fashion shows and just gets crazier every year. Perhaps because they can’t depend on actually getting supermodels because they’ve all gotten old or pregnant.

9:03 Gerard Butler looks manically pleased. Perhaps because in the behind-the-scenes look at the models, they’ve all started just praising how hot they all are. Soft-core lesbian porn has begun.

9:04 One of the models says “I feel stressed,” while smiling endlessly. You look it.

9:05 We’ve just been informed that Lily goes out with Kings of Leon frontman Caleb. So? (Note: This will come up again later. It apparently is relavent news, so sorry for jumping the gun on that one).

9:06 Erin: “It’s like girl time. It’s like chilling with your girls all day.”

KATY PERRY TIME
9:07 Nice boobs Katy. She starts off with “Firework”, though there are no exploding breasts. Maybe it’s all these models, but her legs actually look like a normal sized womans. If this were a casting call, I’d say she looks “healthy.”

9:08 Legit just a shot of her boobs. Sea anemone on the side.

These close-up shots remind me that she uses Proactiv, which has not yet taken advantage of this situation and advertised in the commercials, and that she has an excellent make-up artist. M.C. reminds me that she is actually a blonde IRL.

9:09 Estelle nods seriously in the front row while secretly thinking “Why wasn’t it meeeee.”

9:10 These tuxedoed dancing folks are interesting. I guess we can’t see too much skin in one show.

9:15 Candice: “You can almost hear peoples hearts beating faster.” She sounds like a robot.

9:16 We’ve entered the slow part of the evening. And is that Jewel I hear? Too bad she’s not doing some spoken word live performances of some of her poems.

9:18 Let’s keep cutting to the grinning men in the audience. Are they better than the emotionless ones?

9:20 I’m saying it..I dont get Karolina Kurkova. SUE ME.
Alessandra: I guess I’m a naughty angel.
For some reason, Behati looks like Brooke’s mom from One Tree Hill, Daphne Zuniga. But when she was young and in that John Cusack movie that is always on TV, The Sure Thing. I’m not going to post side-by-side photos because it’s really more in the smile and I can’t find the likeness that fits but just TRUST ME.

9:21 And it’s time to work out! Some sort of gymnastics team performs a routine to Lady Gaga. M.C. begins a fun game of what sport each girl is supposed to be playing or representing or vaguely related to.

9:22 M.C.: Lacrosse — this is definitely playing to a certain demographic. And this photo is probably going to be in my brothers dorm room.

9:24 My fave.
M.C.: I love how they pick the only vaguely Eastern European one.

Akon enters!
M.C.: How do they let the sexual predator be at the Victoria’s Secret show?

9:30 Lily: When you think about Victoria’s Secret, the first thing you think about is the wings.
No Lily. The first thing I think about is undergarments. The second thing I think about is boobs.
Also: “I fantasize more about the wings than I ever would about my wedding.”

9:32 AKON and angels.

9:33 Oo I like the glitter on the wings as they sweep across the floor. I want a glitter floor.

9:34 Adrian Grenier and Malin Ackerman? Are they a thing?

9:35 Pretty wizard night cloak.

9:36 Some of these outfits are just not flattering, especially when walking. Glinda the Good Witch here is a perfect example.

Commercial for CBS News at 10: Dead People Riding the CTA?

9:43 Ooooo it’s a Lion King rip-off, because thats what every television special ever on TV does these days.
Alessandra’s skin is glittery. I wonder if that’s natural. I would watch Twilight more seriously if they glittered but weren’t cold and had lovingly bronzed skin like hers. Though I don’t know if we need any more people to take Twilight seriously.

9:44 Serengeti! Peacocks! Any animal that seems ethnic!

9:45 Oo dancing ninja men in skirts. Maasai necklace and arm plates.

9:46 Is it because they’re all styled the same that its like a blur of watching the same thing walk down the runway?
Emily: It’s amazing that for a reasonably ethnically diverse group (for modeling anyway) they all look remarkably alike.
One mind folks, one mind.

9:47 Voiceover: Stagehands, begin the shift into PINK. (Cue screams).

9:51 TEENAGE DREAM. Approp. Katy Perry is doing way better than she did at the AMAs.

Emily: Why does her skirt open where her crotch is? I will say…her boobs are pretty insane

9:53 Segue to “Hot and Cold.” This makes me wonder, as I have before, why it is ok to say bitch and not other words on TV?
“California Gurls.” Not featuring Snoop. Tears.

9:55 Chanel Iman has a bubble machine! I’m jeal.

Katy Perry has looked afraid of those stairs the whole time.

9:56 Cut to Maroon 5, aka Adam Levine and some other dudes, in the audience.

FINALE
There have apparently been 34 models. I would have said 5.

9:57 Cut to Blondie, looking like she’s not having it in the audience.
Voiceover: They’re having a ball out there! They don’t want to go, they don’t want to go!
Emily: This announcer dude = sketchville. How do you think you get that gig?

9:58 Tyson Beckford is in the audience! Smile away, good sir.
Glinda the Good Witch is back! let the woman change for godsakes.
Did Kings of Leon like fucking sponsor this shit? Excuse my french, as my mother would say, but they are all over this place, apparently because one of them is banging this model. They are not Seal and Heidi Klum, ok?

That’s all folks. Tune in next year for more blatant holiday product placement. I’ll leave you with one legitimately pretty outfit that I would totally go back to doing ballet for.

And, since I’m a sucker for behind the scenes stuff, check out how they make all that cool stuff you’ll never wear:

[Photos via Getty, Wireimage]

I Listen to Katy Perry So You Don’t Have To

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If you live as a functioning member of society, you will have heard Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” and “California Gurls”, voted by New York Magazine as the song of the summer, whether we like it or not. The sad truth behind the popularity of “California Gurls” is that most people will not dive deeper into the nostalgia-filled trip down memory lane that is the rest of the album. But this is your lucky day people! I’ve listened to all of the songs on the album, and have given the worthy ones high school-style superlatives. Get ready for a lot of mixed metaphors and a wide variety of influences, starting with the album cover, where Perry is featured in cherubic glory.

Best Use of A Movie Moment to Express Your Pain and Empower You

“Firework”
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own

You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know

Most Well-Utilized Combination of Knowledge from Sex Ed Class with Old-School Wisdom
(Honorable Mention for Blatantly Ripping-off Madonna)


“Hummingbird Heartbeat”
You make me feel like I’m losing my virginity
The first time and the time when you touchin’ me,
I make you bloom like the flower that you never seen.
Under the sun we are one buzzin energy.

Let’s party to create affinity
This evolution with you comes naturally.
Some call it signs
Signs
We call it chemistry
This is the story of the birds and the bees.

Even the seasons change
I want it to stay the same.

You give me that…
Hummingbird Heartbeat
Spread my wings and make me fly
The taste of your honey is so sweet
When you give me the Hummingbird Heartbeat
Hummingbird Heartbeat

Flown a million miles just to find the magic seed
Oh I would flower with the power that bring light to me.
Your so exotic, my whole body fluttering
Constantly craving for a taste of your sticky sweet

Always on the brink of a heart attack
You can be alive and keep me coming back
I see the sun rise in your eyes
Your eyes
You gotta future full of blue skies
Blue skies

You love me, you love me never love me not
Not
Oh no
When we are in perfect harmony
You make me so right toward your (sip of me).

Best Co-Opting Of A Term I Once Associated with Youth and Innocence so it can be Understood by the Facebook Generation
“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)
There’s a stranger in my bed,
There’s a pounding my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a minibar
DJ’s passed out in the yard
Barbie’s on the barbeque

Is that a hickey or a bruise
Pictures of last night
Ended up online
I’m screwed
Oh well
It’s a blacked out blur
But I’m pretty sure it ruled

Last Friday night
Yeah we danced on tabletops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah we maxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bar
So we hit the boulevard

Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Then had a menage a trois
Last Friday night
Yeah I think we broke the law
Always say we’re gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Trying to connect the dots
Don’t know what to tell my boss
Think the city towed my car
Chandelier is on the floor
With my favorite party dress
Warrants out for my arrest
Think I need a ginger ale
That was such an epic fail

T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.
T.G.I.F.

The Taylor Swift Award: Most Unrealistic Use of Wish-Fulfillment and Disney Movie Optimism in A Slow-Song
“Not Like the Movies”
He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn’t fit,
It wasn’t right.
Wasn’t just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don’t know.

I didn’t feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he’s the one,
I’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that’s just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
“One day my prince will come.”
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don’t align,
If it doesn’t stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He’ll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it’s not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he’s the one,
He’ll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

‘Cause I know you’re out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It’s a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you’ll see.

Best Blatant Rip-off of BFFL Rihanna’s Rude Boy
“Peacock”
I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock, cock
Your peacock, cock, cock
Your peacock

Word on the street, you got somethin’ to show me, ee
Magical, colorful, Mr. Mystery, ee
I’m intrigued, for a peek, Heard it’s fascinating

Words are mislead
Such a tease
Wanna see the show
In 3D, a movie
Heard it’s beautiful
Be the judge
And my girls gonna take a bow

I want the jaw droppin, eye popin, head turnin, body shockin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)
I want my heart throbbin, ground shakin, show stoppin, amazin
(Uh, uh, oh, Uh, uh, uh, oh)

Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don’t be a chicken boy, stop acting like a beeotch
I’ma peace out if you don’t give me the pay off
Come on baby let me see
What you’re hiding underneath
Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
What you’re waiting for, it’s time for you to show it off
Don’t be a shy kinda guy I’ll bet it’s beautiful
Come on baby let me see
Whatchu hidin’ underneath

Skip the talk, heard it all, time to walk the walk
Brake me off, if you bad, show me how’s the boss
Need some goose, if you lose, come on take a shot

Oh my good no exaggeration
Boy all this time was worth the waiting
I just shared a tear
I’m so unprepared
You’ve got the finest architecture
And on the rainbow looking treasure
Such a sight to see
And it’s all for me

Best Butchering of the Syllabi of Your Junior Year History and English Classes
“Pearl”
She is a pyramid
But with him she’s just a grain of sand
This loves too strong like mice and men
Squeezing out the life that should be let in

She was a hurricane
But now she’s just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a statue of liberty
She could be Joan of Arc
But he’s scared of the light that’s inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

Oh she used to be a pearl
Ohh yeah she used to rule the world
Ohhhh cant believe she’s become a shell of herself
Cause she used to be a pearl

She was unstoppable
Moved fast as like an avalanche
But now she’s stuck deep in some man
Wishing that they never ever met

Do you know that there’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
There’s a way out
You don’t have to be held down
Be held down
Be held down
Be held down

Cause I used to be a shell…
Yeah I let him rule my world
My world Ohhh yeah

But I woke up and grew strong and I can still go on
And No one can take my pearl
You don’t have to be a shell No
You’re the one that rules your world Ohh
You are strong and you’ll learn
That you can still go on
And you’ll always be a pearl
She is unstoppable

Katy Perry, I applaud you, for your ability to take a theme and really stick to it. Now I’m going to go watch the “Teenage Dream” video one more time and pretend that my life is as well-lit as yours is.

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