File this under…
In other news, what would I be without Netflix? Or screenshots? Or screenshots of Netflix?
Gloria Steinem told Kathy Griffin that if she goes into menopause, her vaginal walls might turn into rice paper. And Gloria Vanderbilt told Kathy it would be fine, like the “Berlin Wall,” don’t worry about it.
And Kathy Griffin refers to Gloria Vanderbilt as “Glo.”
Now that it’s holiday season, or now that I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that awards shows or musical television specials are some of entertainments greatest gems, we’re going to take a look at The USO Presents: VH1 Divas Live Salute the Troops
8:03 Kathy Griffin you are so funny I totally forgot you were hosting this despite the commercial I saw for VH1 Divas not but an hour ago that reminded me to watch this in the first place.
8:07 This is being filmed at the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. Top Gun was also filmed at Miramar. Fun fact.
8:11 Kathy Griffin: We’ve got an amazing show, so stay with us and watch my ass as I walk away.
Now the vignettes of personal stories from soldiers begin. Not to be too unpatriotic and jaded, but this is going to be one big ad for the army, now isn’t it?
8:16 Now we’re in Kuwait, where Paramore is playing LIVE. The introduction video to Camp Arifjan has not at all stereotypically been introduced with some Middle Eastern music. I will say that this girl from Paramore has a pretty sexy speaking voice, and is also horrible at playing volleyball.
8:24 Seriously Drew, I swear I will buy your lipstain. Just call and remind me. Also your family is crazy and when they say the Barrymore’s have been acting forever, they weren’t kidding, as a recent extensive wikipedia search lead me to discover. The first was born in 1849. That was a long time ago.
8:25 M.C.: Oh GRACE GRACE GRACE.
We’re confused as to how she got involved as a “diva”, but she is so pretty and talented and has again, even her speaking voice is cool.
8:27 Marisa Miller is a USO ambassador? What does that mean? She is hot. I often wonder how it took so long for her to become famous, because she really hasn’t been around until recently and is not quite a spring chicken. More a late-summer chicken.
M.C.: She does not have a good speaking voice.
Kate: When did this become what we judge everyone on during this show?
And enter…Seth, another random Army dude who will introduce the next act. He looks so serious and so unhappy but this is pretty cute…wait he’s introducing Sugarland because Jennifer Nettles is his sister?!
M.C.: I feel bad for Seth right now
8:28 I’m sorry, she has the most lesbian haircut I’ve ever seen. I also kind of dig her voice but hate it at the same time.
8:30 The addition of MC Lyte to this performance was really an interesting creative choice, especially because (to those of us who are more open-minded) they look like partners with these haircuts. Or maybe Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or maybe I just think that because they’re singing country and that show was just on…
Anyway, to relive the better days:
Jennifer: A shoutout to the women, who look very snappy in their uniforms as well!
Yup, quelling all those lesbian rumors that I’m starting so quickly.
Also, when googling Jennifer Nettles to find out more about her, I stumbled across another similar-looking country star, Miranda Lambert. In said search, I found this Yahoo! Answers gem:
8:32 Jersey Shore in 2 minutes. They don’t even say “The Cast of” or “Snooki and the Situation.” Just Jersey Shore. That poor location.
8:36 Commercial for Brandy and Ray J: A Family Business. What kind of family business? Like a hardware store? I wonder if he and Kim K. still talk secretly.
8:37 M.C.: I love how Kathy is wearing really trashy versions of “uniforms.”
Kathy Griffin: (On Bristol Palin) She’s the only contestant in the history of the show to gain weight…she’s like the white Precious. You can boo louder than that! I love it!…War is hell, war is hell!
The audience is not having any of this.
“So we gotta talk about Jersey Shore….” And then they applaud.
8:39 Snooki: Can you help us o the next introduciton marine? ‘Cmon, just read the lines marine.
8:40 Grace Potter again! M.C. sits up.
She looks fly. I want that dress for New Years. And her hair is so Heidi Klum.
SHE IS SO GOOD. BRB I’M JUST FREAKING OUT.
M.C.: Her dress is tiny. She’s somehow rocking it.
Kate: Her teeth are amazing.
8:47 MC I think the Grace Potter site is crashing right now, because so many people are visiting it.
Update: M.C. was indeed right
This (like Oprah and Groupon) is the perfect example of the deep connection between the internet and tv.
Grace Potter: Everybody needs rock and roll…everybody needs a good fist pump every once and a while, and I’m here to give it to them.
It’s interesting she thinks of herself as rock and roll and not bluegrass or country or something, or all three.
Wendy’s and VH1 have teamed up to make some sort of video called “Sacrifice and Support”, about mothers and military children.
8:55 These shots from below (the audience) make Nicki Minaj’s ass look even bigger.
VH1 apparently agrees that this is worth discussing:
9:01 OMG T.I. on Storytellers.
M.C.: I love T.I.
Kate: If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again — most symmetrical face ever.
Next we get an ad that tells us that “Sunday is the night…on VH1.” What kind of night, you may ask? The underlying subtext seems to be that sunday is the night for black people, with back to back episodes about Brandy and Ray J, basketball wives, and football wives.
(You’ll notice some time has passed. Things happened, they just weren’t that interesting).
9:37 FLOTUS aka Michelle Obama. Wait is she there?! Oh no, it’s just a video. She has lovely eyebrows.
9:45 Uh oh, after the break, a final Katy Perry song. They are really pushing her, much like she is pushing her boobs. And it’s “Firework”, duh. Her sparkly red dress has a very long slit, but I think she’s wearing a leotard underneath? But all of this is ruined because SHE HAS SEE-THRU PLASTIC STRAPS HOLDING HER DRESS UP.
9:53 Coolest commercial ever.
The show was alright. Loved the updated old school aesthetic, and the general respect for the troops without bringing politics into it. And I swear, I won’t do another Unlive blog soon because I’m sure they’ve beginning to drag on. It’s just with the holidays, there are sooo many good specials, what’s a girl to do?