Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

The Never-Before-Seen SAG Awards (2011), Unlive, The Next Afternoon

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Seriously, I have never watched them. But I think they’ve only been televised for a few years, so it is definitely not my fault and we can’t hold it against me. For some reason this year they started off with an excellent rap, but its unclear who is rapping and what about.

7:02 Someone just said shut up at the end of the intro/rap? The audience looks scared. I am confused.

7:06 Betty White is introducing one of the many actor awards. Take a little longer to open that envelope, Betty.

7:09 Mark Ruffalo is literally pulling Annette Bening along.
Jessie: Oh cool, cool award for cast!

I like Cory Monteith’s sexy-face pout and tie clip, which Jessie points out says to us “I dropped out of high school in 9th grade, can you tell?”
Award for “female actor.” Props. And even more props because it goes to Julianna Marguiles! She just kissed Josh Charles, which is a moment I WISH THEY WOULD REPEAT ON THE GOOD WIFE. KB: Look how hot her little husband is.
Julianna is so cutely emotional. She gives a big shoutout to the teamsters, and thanks the DP. Clearly, she understands what’s important: how she gets to work and the lighting. She also uses the term “pristine guidance” and says “I just want to say thank you to my inlaws. Thank you for producing the most spectacular human being.” Afterwards, camera cuts to Hilary Swank, who mouths “That was so sweet!” and we see Kenneth the Page still looking pleased as punch.

7:17 We now interrupt this broadcast for a few choice commercials.
Jessie: T-mobile: Catherine Zeta isn’t doing it for us anymore.
Honda tells us that “only sexy is sexy.”
TNT is pimping Rizzoli and Isles and Angie Harmon out. We’re getting constant updates from her Twitter feed.
Apparently she was the “social media host” of the 2011 SAG awards?

Sofia Vergara is onstage. Dexter just closed his eyes for awhile at her presence. I feel you.
Boardwalk wins best ensemble drama. Blah blah blah.
Did they just say that The Good Wife takes place in NY?
Sofia Vergara just waved during their speech. This woman can’t be tamed.
Paz de la Huerta has now taken it upon herself to interrupt Steve Buscemi and say “Thank you Allen Lewis-h for believing in me…and everyone else.” She is the definition of HOT MESS.

7:24 Writers Guild shout out!
Eric Stonestreet looks nervous.
Man with the Allstate voice talks about actors who do broadcast advertising. This awards show seems more blatantly full of marketing than others, but maybe they’re just not as good as seamlessly weaving it in.

7:29 We just saw another cameraman. Sloppy.
Helena starts to clap for herself and then mouths, “Oh no!” If I was ambivalent before, I’m in love now. Melissa Leo nods to herself as her name is announced as a nominee. Christopher: Yea that’s me.
And it’s Melissa Leo! She’s running. She gets political with SAGs and unions, but it’s cool. I don’t know why I don’t like her…googling it doesn’t turn up anything either.
New badass lawyer drama, Franklin and Bash with 90s stars Breckin Meyer and Zach Morris. It’s not premiering, however, until the summer. TNT “We Know Drama” seems to realize this may be their only opportunity to have people here about this event five months from now.

7:41 Amy Poehler wins best introduction to an award: “And the Best Actor in this category according to some people as of tonight is…”
Christopher: I think HD is in a weird place right now, because before everyone’s acne was showing, but now it’s too washed out.
Jon Hamm makes a weird joke about being a woman but he says “And the funniest actress in this category accordding to Amy Poehler and the teamsters is Betty White.” B. White looks so shocked. Did the announcer just say that this was a “not subtle performance by Betty White”?
Betty “the badass” White says “You didnt applaud when I turned 40.” Stick it there. She then feels up the statue.
Jane Leeves is crying. Perhaps because Hot in Cleveland is not good.
Christopher: I don’t think Colin Firth should wear bowties because he already looks uptight.

7:49 Angie Harmon and LL Cool J are finally here to introduce another ensemble. Her dress is really not fitting with the tenor of this evening, it is noted.
And Modern Family wins, much to Christopher’s chagrin. Julie Bowen and Ed O’Neil make out, so let’s start a rumor that they’re sexting IRL. But more importantly: Phil just got a slap on the butt from his son! Good thing they’re playing those characters close to the vest.

During the “a lot of people died this year speech”, KB says “I must be getting my period because I’m about to cry again. I also just had three bowls of ice cream.”
Whatever KB, Sally Draper looks amazing.

This guy is winning a lifetime achievement award, and I have no idea who he is. Jessie: Is he actually good, or just still alive. Ernie? Curly?
He played a number of animated characters…including one in…All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Apparently, they don’t make ’em like Ernest Borgnine.
KB comes back and says “I was hoping I would miss the speech, but I love his glasses.”
The lifetime achievement award is just the smiling drama mask, but wouldn’t it be funny if it was a sadface?

8:18 I thought Patrick Stewart was dead. Note: it is Pete Postlethwaite that is bald and who I was thinking of. It doesn’t even matter, because of course Al Pacino wins.

KB: It’s all The Social Network boys, this is the best thing ever!
Christopher: Rosario Dawson, stand up! Shoulders back!

And Claire Danes wins for Temple Grandin, which we were told at the Globes we would never have to hear about again, but here it is. KB says “She has a shelf of awards for this part”, and Christopher retorts that “That’s what happens when you play a retard.”
Claire points out that she has worked with all of the women nominated in this category, whether on Temple Grandin or “all my fellow Little Women, Winona, Susan.” Little Women shout out! What a weird coincidence, I’m still reeling. She tells some story about how awesome co-star and fellow nominee Catherine O’Hara calmed her, but O’Hara is mouthing something along the lines of “This story is false.”

8:35 Susan looks amazing. Duh. Once more, for the cheap seats in the back:

Her son looks just like Tim Robbins, who apparently almost ran Christopher’s Dad over in Boston.

And Christian Bale wins, and the real Dickey is in the building, on stage! Is he on crack? Time will tell. Bale (another Little Women alum! This is just getting spooky! Where is Amy? Oh wait, Kirsten Dunst sucks) tells us that “This is really the best, getting it from fellow actors.” Someone remarks that “Getting it from Mark Wahlberg ain’t bad.”

8:40 Christopher: What is up with this set? Is it really weird? It’s like a fairytale. Like Alice and Wonderland.
Jessie: Everytime I see him (Jeff Bridges) I crave a white russian. Seriously. I could have one now.

8:44 Natalie is wearing satin, which was a mistake, as I predicted, because it has wrinkled awkwardly under her baby bump.
Christopher: Hilary Swank is like “Why I am here? My movie was released like, straight-to-dvd.”

8:51 Jessie does a physical reenactment of why she hates George Lopez. The real thing is right here. The bad stuff starts at around 3 minutes, if you can’t stomach the entirety:

Jeff Bridges is turning into a father lion.

8:56 What is up with Donald Sutherland? Why is he here and why does he look like Santa Clause, you can’t even see his face. I will never forgive him for deciding to be in the worse TV show ever that was renewed by ABC Dirty Sexy Money. They chose that over Big Shots!
And the Cast of The King’s Speech wins, upset! There’s like three of them. Helena runs after Geoffrey Rush. He tell us that “it shouldnt be called the SAG award, it should be called uplifting award.” Oh Geoffrey. We also got a glance of his bald head, but I missed it. Helena looks on in awe. Because they’re British, they say, “colonial” family for Australians.

Jessie: Oh that’s it, and it’s over. Not quite yet though! In case you didn’t see it, perhaps the award for most uncomfortable interview should go to these two ladies:

2011 SAG Awards Red Carpet Or Giuliana Strikes back

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So I was running a little late because there was an episode of Party Down to finish RIP the best show ever. Never fear; the first 15 minutes were probably not that great, I hear.

5:24 Julianna Marguiles wins tonight for outfit, I don’t need to see anyone else (forshadowing: she actually did win!). Giuliana says, “Gorge.”

LL Cool J in the house. He literally looks as though he has not aged at all. This is probably due to that same Kangol hat he always wears. Jessie: I bet he’s 50. IMDB says 43.
Emily: There’s this music video where he just licks his lips over and over again, just like he is now. Bonus points for anyone who can find that and post it in the comments.

5:29 Kyra’s adjusting. I like her wing points at the top of the dress, they remind me of Maleficent, the evil lady from Sleeping Beauty.

Jessie: She looks like Catwoman.
Emily: In a good, not Catwoman way.
Jessie: Whatever, don’t you dare slander her name
Emily: Have you seen the one with Halle Berry?

Kurt from Glee says it’s hard to watch TV because he just keeps looking at his Golden Globe sitting next to it. Mentions that he might want to move it so that he can just relax already.

Addition to the list of pet peeves about Giuliana: Her incessant name-dropping. Jessie adds, “You cant say “mwah” while you actually kiss someone, that’s against the rules.” She then catches herself, and asks for this comment to be stricken from the record because “it’s a good thing KB’s not here, she does that.” The Unlive Blog never lies, Jessie.

5:32 Naya Rivera is doing that thing that Mariah Carey did for about a decade where she just wore too much beige because she was vaguely ethnic. Mistakes. She also appears to be talking to a man who could pass for Leighton “that’s not a last name” Meester’s brother.

5:35 It’s Razor from The Kids Are All Right!

5:39 Angie Harmon comes on. I should really keep watching Rizzoli and Isles, especially since they have some like secret gay following on Youtube with all these people making fanvids in hopes the lead women will get together? Is this the new Xena? Jessie notes that Angie’s dress has probably been worn before. Another Jesse (Tyler Ferguson) is wearing a flannel tie on a plaid shirt. Props.

5:43 Mila Kunis arrives. Jessie: Where’s Mac, where’s Mac!
KB: They broke up.
Jessie: Oh right.

She looks like the young lady on Modern Family who I keep thinking looks lovely at these things but dresses just a little old for herself, who met her boyfriend at a High School Musical 3 audition and Giuliana just will not stop prattling on endlessly to.

Anyway. Thought Mila’s dress was potentially the same collection as Heidi Klum’s from the Globes, but KB thinks it’s from the same McQueen collection Michelle Obama’s dinner with the Chinese that there has been so much hubbub about.

Girl from Winter’s Bone who KB hates because that movie edged out Andrew Garfield for Supporting Actor and The Town for Best Picture at the Oscars. This totally nonsensical hatred will continue throughout the night. But this is my favorite look, I think. It’s Oscar de la Renta.

5:46 Dianna Agron is the epitome of class again, in lace and sequins. Giuliana: You went with a shorter hemline!
A minute later it appears they haven’t moved on in conversation, prompting KB to say “Are they still talking about her shorter hemline?”

Jessie will spend much of the red carpet reading aloud the E! News ticker at the bottom of the screen. Some highlights: We’ve now discovered Eric Benet is engaged to “Mariela Testosterone” and that Justin Bieber is married.

5:48 Sophia Vergara. KB: You can spot those boobs a mile away. This viewing party is quickly becoming not team Sophia.

Ed Helms tells Giuliana that he’s “just rocking the carpet, SAG awards style.”

5:51 Julie Bowen in a fucking jumpsuit. Where is Amulya?!

Giuliana: You are more dressed up than most women here, this is tre elegante.
And then there was the collective wince heard ’round the world.

5:54 Epiphany! Those awful tmobile commercials feature Fisher from Greek! And the reason I didn’t recognize him was because his hair is so horrible for a reason unbeknownest to us.

6:05 John Krasinski is, through the help of modern technology, is both talking to Giuliana and her co-host whose like, somewhere else on the red carpet. He says that this is “so interactive. This is next-level interviewing.”
Lea Michelle is certainly into the deep-v’s and low-boob these days.

Jane Lynch is wearing Neil Lane. Sean: She’s going to prom after this.
Emily: In what, 1957?
Jessie: You know what guys, maybe she didn’t get to go to prom because she was bullied.

6:10 January Jones is pretty obviously going so conservative because of the Globes dress. But it’s not Versace, it’s Carolina Herrera and I love it.

6:13 Jessie says I’m going to feminist hell because I dont like Hilary Swank. Discuss.
When Melissa Leo walks out, there are SO many moans.
Giuliana tells us she would love to be telepathic in real life. And then as Claire Danes approaches, mutters crazily under her breath “OMG pretty.” It’s good that we don’t need to be telepathic IRL to figure out what she’s thinking.

6:18 Some girl who is a correspondant and on The City star says in her British accent that Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t look good because of the black tie on her dress? “You’re not doing karate, my love.”

6:29 Giuliana gets into it with Nicole about her “attic baby”, which I did not know was a Francesca original until this very moment.

6:31 Giuliana cannot talk to Christian Bale. “How are you feeling, are you feeling like the birthday boy? Christian: Of course im feeling like the birthday boy.
Julia Stiles looks amazing! There are worse dopplegangers to have.

6:33 Winona looks like a bridesmaid who wore white and the bride hates her. She was in Black Swan?! Maybe I didn’t know that because I’m still thinking about this:

Amy Adams is in Herve Leger, but all I can do is feel sympathy for her with her slight hair tuft at the hairline of her very sleek ponytail.

6:35 James Franco is wearing amazing sunglasses that are “Steve McQueen edition.”
This just in: Geoffrey rush is still bald, but wearing a different hat.

6:40 JT is making love with himself to the camera. But he has a buzz cut, so I love it. Giuliana asks him, “Did you ever want to change your name because it was kinda longer? See what we make you think about here on E!” She also gives him a nip of whiskey to “raise the roof a little bit.”

6:43 Christina Hendricks says “I feel like im in a smoking jacket.” Consensus is that her hair is a little brassy, and she’s wearing too much makeup, but I still love it.

Jessie asks, “Is there an actual awards show thats going to happen? I feel as though it’ll just be this all night.”

It is noted that Robin Wright nee Robin Wright Penn looks good. Her hair, however, does not. Jessie: It is a bang. One bang.

Giuliana tells us that, don’t worry, “all the stars look fabulous from my vantage point.” Your vantage point of needing to suck up to them so that you get someone to talk to you on this show. Let’s end on a more refreshing point: Helena Bonham Carter is not wearing the same dress as during the Globes and says, “They’re going to rip me to shreds anyway, so I might as well make it worse.”

Images via Getty/wireimage

© 2009 Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things. All Rights Reserved.

This blog is powered by Wordpress and Magatheme by Bryan Helmig.