Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

It Took Me Three Nights To Watch The Bachelorette Wedding

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First of all, it’s been days, and Hulu has still not corrected the spelling of Ashley’s name in this title. Poor.
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Also, wouldn’t it bum you out to have multiple period’s in your name? Just sort of annoying, that’s all. JP might be better.

Michael (is that his name? All I know is that he is cray) did a lot of this:
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There was fist pumping or some relative of fist pumping as well.

And Emily basically confirmed that she broke up with the love of her life Jef with one F when she said something along the lines of, “I’m someone whose fallen in love a couple times and had it not work out a couple times, so looking at them gives me renewed hope.” Oh Emily. Way to make it about you. And sad.

OH. If I had been betting on number of times that Ashley and J(period)P(period) would kiss in the hour and a half special and I had guessed an infinity amount, I would have had an infinity amount of dollars because boy do those kids like to kiss! But as we said during Horah at the end — which was one of several subtle references to J(period)P(period)’s jewish heritage — mazel tov!

Break-Up To Make-Up

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The Bachelorette finale now comes with poor iPhone image quality! Below, three snapshots of an evening:

Neil Lane made it into this one, finally.

There was also a meaningful plane ride that did end well.

And a boat ride to nowhere that did not.

The whole episode had the makings of a murder mystery, sans the mystery and with only murdered heart(s).

The Best Moment From This Season of The Bachelorette

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Thank you thank you thank you to Whitney Jefferson at Jezebel (or whatever minion did this screenshot side-by-side) for putting in the work that I could not.

The Night We Should Have Taken Shots Everytime Ashley Said Bentley

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Also known as The Night the Two Josh Grobans Faced Off

This explains all you need to know about this episode.


Yea, so after the artist formally known as Bentley left, the producers thought, hey, let’s whisk Ashley away to Thailand where she won’t remember anything that has happened to her. Except, just like in SATC2, she does remember, except no one gets diarrhea, thank god. Of course, we barely get to see how the guys get to Thailand; all we see is a peace sign being thrown up by Ryan in the airport.

Ashley is the friend you have that won’t stop talking about her ex, with ex being code for guy she made out with a few times who she never really dated (am I that friend? Do not discuss). And now that we’re in Thailand, her problems have just changed continents, except now we get some token asian music and a lot of rain. Molly says, “Minor chords!” I say, it was obviously cheaper to do this trip during the off season, and there is only so much a nice umbrella can do.

Josh Groban #1, also known as Constantine, gets a one-on-one. He looks different and improved in Thailand. Thai hair, says Molly.

On the Group Date, we discover that Sir William is still alive. We’re pretty sure that there are a few Ashley’s keeping around just to have sex with — Bentley was one, and “I played for the Yankees for a hot second” Nick is another. Also did you know there was a tsunami here recently? Watch the news, guys.

Josh Groban # 2 (Ben F.) gets a one-on-one date after he charms Ashley at an orphanage with his artistic side, which is not code for his penis. She draws an Ashley flower which is not code for her vagina. Nick does nothing but play with a hula hoop on said group date.

On his date, Ben F. says both “I felt like you were kind of buzzing around me” and “Ruh roh.” To which I say, Ben F., you remind me too much of a guy that I date(d) (we’ll keep the mystery alive).

The most important news from this episode is that Molly is now a fan of “Quasimodo” Ames. She says that “this Thai air is doing something to his features.” I think his hair is longer and the humidity makes it curly. Though Ames seems unaware that their lack of making out is not a good sign, Ashley is the one that fouls up this scenario. In my notes, I wrote “Why does she always ask about old ladies?” which I think translates to “Why does she always ask about the ex-girlfriends of these men?” She also references Titanic when on a boat with Ames, which makes me worry she hasn’t actually seen how that movie ends.

Blake the dentist has a few good quotes as well. He claims that sweet, sweet Ryan “swoops in, and it just screams of foul play.” He says that “Constantine is a gamer,” and the whole thing “Chaps my ass.” And finally, about the show: “That’s the nature of this beast — everyone’s going after the same piece of fruit.” He then becomes the whistleblower to Ryan on how no one else likes him, but this only prompts Ryan to say to the camera, “What, you can’t hang with the fact that I’m freakin’ happy a lot? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not grumpy…Think of all our soldiers that are overseas now. Why wouldn’t you be happy here?”

Most importantly, JP and Ashley get a moment on the beach. Molly: They are not touching enough. Bring in the bluetinis! (Note: There was a lot of blue lighting and blue alcohol in this episode). They just go from making out to GET IN MY LOVE SUITE. She also says that Ashley would be a FOOL not to pick him, but obvi she is one, because he’s a sane guy who actually likes her, is hot, and a good kisser.

Ultimately, Wes is sent home, which is really just Ashley sending herself home — she can’t commit to a guy who’s ready to move on, because she has horrible taste in men and isn’t ready for this. Wes’ final speech proves that he’s too deep for this show. Ashley chooses Lucas as her first, a man with whom she has no chemistry, because she doesn’t really want to be doing this and feels like she needs some sort of redemption from Brad’s season. Wise move on the producer side: when she speaks with Chris, he’s very particular when he says potential with Bentley “was in her heart and mind.” Good save Chris. We know the truth. And we’re reminded that this is The Bachelorette and there “are no rules” because Ashley gets to keep another guy. Just more proof she’s not ready to commit to anyone, and you know what Ash — that’s ok. Just admit it.

Ashley is insecure quotes:
I feel like I have a little bit of my heart back, so I’m ready to start giving a little bit of it away.
I don’t just think everyone likes me. I don’t think everyone wants to be with me.
Tell me about your past relationships
I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again.

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