Can you hate yourself for liking a movie trailer too much? Or knowing that you like it because a future fake you in 15 years will be like “Ohhh this is too real!”? These are the complicated emotions I feel when watching the trailer for the new movie by lucky-girl-who-bangs-Jon-Hamm-how-the-hell-does-she-keep-him Jennifer Westfeldt. (I just watched Kissing Jessica Stein a few weeks ago. Is that movie topical anymore? Was it the first movie to mainstream the idea that lesbians are really just best friends who kiss when they’re fed up of men? It was important enough for them to mention it in this trailer.) That and who named their film first: Friends with Benefits or Friends with Kids? And I’m glad that Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm are having good sex after the mad awk sex they had in Bridesmaids, that just seemed like a waste. And WOW I knew those casts were similar but really, they all must be besties by now. Okay done.
6:23 pm: We’re in a rockin’ Best Western and and apparently Fox and the Emmys are taking steps to go green with a solar paneled red carpet?
Never mind. Alan Cumming asks why girls have to have all the fun? Good question.
Also my mom wants to know if her “lame comments” will be included. Yes.
6:28 pm: Fox is such a lowbrow affair, even with our good friend Nancy whatshername doing celeb interviews.
Vanessa Marano aka Bey from Switched at Birth is maybe more charming in real life? She just made an ASL sex joke.
6:35 pm: Who IS this dude with the announcer voice? He seems both pleased and out of place. But he’s better than British lady and her Justin Theroux-esque sidekick.
7:41 pm: I’m excited I just got to see the first trailer for Dolphin Tale. I actually wondered if that movie was real.
For some reason it’s this season that I’m most reminded that Fox is reaping the rewards of the Emmys with all this advertising for fall tv.
Sophia Vergara is Columbian, did you know?
Rob Lowe and family are klinging to each other for dear life.
7:44 pm: Nancy and Kate Winslet rocking the red. Remember when the British tabloids stalked her for being fat?
Mark! His name is Mark, and he’s fumbling over Timothy Olphant and his sexy factor. Olphant is going lightly grey it’s a good look. They’re giving Mark little screen time, and with good notice – he’s terrible.
7:50 pm: Greg Kinnear here, reminding us that The Kennedy’s got nominated for things.
Laura Linneay kind of looks like she actually has cancer. Face/hair good, rest is just a long black shirt.
LL Cool J wearing an “applejack hat.” Now we know what these are called. His favorite show is about gator hunting.
Oh dear god! I love Melissa McCarthy’s color, but the patchwork seams are terrible. She’s really just been nominated for Bridesmaids for Mike and Molly, we all know.
8:05 pm: This intro is actually something. I wish all of tv lived in the same building.I do not wish that every award show would keep doing this retro intro thing is the thing these days.
Mom: What is Jane Lynch wearing? She looks terrible.
I wish I was at finger pistols with Jon Hamm.
They’re taking this a cappella thing FAR. How did they get these stars to agree to this?
8:12 pm: Happy Endings was nominated?! Mom: No, this must be a montage of everything. Nice editing though.
The Jimmys need to step near the mic.
8:16 pm: Julie Bowen wins for Modern Family. Mom says “The boob thing is really bad. She should have worn a turtleneck.
Julianna Marguiles saves the day with a joke about how she’s the funniest person on tv. She is!
Ty Burrell aka Phil wins! The onscreen married couple won omg so cute. He wrote this speech ahead of time, but it was so good and well done.
8:29 pm: So Modern Family is just going to keep rocking hmm. But this director is sexy. Christopher texts me: wtf.
“But most of all, I want to thank my modern family.”
Zooey Deschanel looks like a prom queen gone ary.
The next guy that wins for Modern Family‘s wife just gave the camera the best look! She did it again!
Is no one getting music-ed off? Mom starts doing the Jeopardy theme song.
8:43 pm: Kate: Charlie Sheen is wearing a wig, methinks. Mom says, “Charlie Sheen’s personality looks likes a wig.”
All the ladies getting together on stage. Sisters are doing it for themselves!
8:57 pm: Why is Kim K here? Reality tv isn’t just reality?
Let it be known I am not drunk, my cup just ran away from myself. OK MOM?!
9:02 pm: Kaley Cuoco looks so classy.
Why does The Amazing Race always win? No one watches…
9:07 pm: It’s the lots o’ male writers portion of the program.
This Dior commercial with a fake Monroe and Charlize Theron is weirdng me out.
Mom is more upset by the one with Samantha from SATC wearing a muumuu even though she “can’t believe it’s not butter.”
9:14 pm: Mom is groaning at Michael Bolton. But she thinks suits Lonely Island are wearing make it alright.
Kristen Wiig’s boobs are out to play, but they should go home.
Anna Pacquin looks great. Scott Caan is still short.
9:28 pm: Friday Night Lights better win.
It did! Touchdown! Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose!
9:33 pm: What an amazing selection of dramatic women. And why is Archie Panjabi sitting next to House?
Elmore Leonard’s show lady wins. “I love you Gram, even though you killed me.” Her husband is trying not to cry on national tv.
Is Velveeta trying to be Old Spice?
9:43 pm: Just because Martin Scorsese is Martin Scorsese doesn’t mean he’s funny.
However Kelly McDonald has a nice dress on.
I guess he’s a good actor, but I refuse to be into Game of Thrones.
9:53 pm: Anderson Cooper’s fake jersey expose is great.
This category was really like sophie’s choice. But win for Juliana.
9:59 pm: Kyle Chandler = best husband ever.
10:10 pm: Oh the Brits. Downton Abbey wins, KB enjoys.
Of course Maggie Smith isn’t here.
10:18 pm: The shoutouts to the accountants is such a flashback to another age.
The Kennedy’s better hold that win close to the chest.
Mildred Pierce is not feeling good. You can’t win against The Brits.
We’ve hit the “in memoriam” portion of the program. Are these sing off rejects? The dry ice is a nice touch. Mom: also why is this one guy wearing a leather jacket? Didn’t someone tell him to get with the program.
10:33 pm: Canadian Tenors. Let’s plug them, because no one knows who them were.
That’s Guy Pearce’s wife? Remind me what she’s been in.
Mom: Woah he’s a hunk.
Are Gwyneth and Claire Danes in a fight? The camera keeps cutting between them.
Kate Winslet seems to be more confident on the red carpet than now.
Mom: can we just talk about how her cleavage is so much nicer than that first woman’s?
Gloria Vanderbilt looks like she’s been embalmed. Note: she’s 87.
10:49 pm: Mom: I feel like I’ve watched all these shows myself now.
Also this tire commercial- I’m over it.
Mom on The X Factor: sometimes I feel like I’m not part of America.
Modern Family wins again. It’s just so safe, ya know?
Seriously, I have never watched them. But I think they’ve only been televised for a few years, so it is definitely not my fault and we can’t hold it against me. For some reason this year they started off with an excellent rap, but its unclear who is rapping and what about.
7:02 Someone just said shut up at the end of the intro/rap? The audience looks scared. I am confused.
7:06 Betty White is introducing one of the many actor awards. Take a little longer to open that envelope, Betty.
7:09 Mark Ruffalo is literally pulling Annette Bening along.
Jessie: Oh cool, cool award for cast!
I like Cory Monteith’s sexy-face pout and tie clip, which Jessie points out says to us “I dropped out of high school in 9th grade, can you tell?”
Award for “female actor.” Props. And even more props because it goes to Julianna Marguiles! She just kissed Josh Charles, which is a moment I WISH THEY WOULD REPEAT ON THE GOOD WIFE. KB: Look how hot her little husband is.
Julianna is so cutely emotional. She gives a big shoutout to the teamsters, and thanks the DP. Clearly, she understands what’s important: how she gets to work and the lighting. She also uses the term “pristine guidance” and says “I just want to say thank you to my inlaws. Thank you for producing the most spectacular human being.” Afterwards, camera cuts to Hilary Swank, who mouths “That was so sweet!” and we see Kenneth the Page still looking pleased as punch.
7:17 We now interrupt this broadcast for a few choice commercials.
Jessie: T-mobile: Catherine Zeta isn’t doing it for us anymore.
Honda tells us that “only sexy is sexy.”
TNT is pimping Rizzoli and Isles and Angie Harmon out. We’re getting constant updates from her Twitter feed.
Apparently she was the “social media host” of the 2011 SAG awards?
Sofia Vergara is onstage. Dexter just closed his eyes for awhile at her presence. I feel you.
Boardwalk wins best ensemble drama. Blah blah blah.
Did they just say that The Good Wife takes place in NY?
Sofia Vergara just waved during their speech. This woman can’t be tamed.
Paz de la Huerta has now taken it upon herself to interrupt Steve Buscemi and say “Thank you Allen Lewis-h for believing in me…and everyone else.” She is the definition of HOT MESS.
7:24 Writers Guild shout out!
Eric Stonestreet looks nervous.
Man with the Allstate voice talks about actors who do broadcast advertising. This awards show seems more blatantly full of marketing than others, but maybe they’re just not as good as seamlessly weaving it in.
7:29 We just saw another cameraman. Sloppy.
Helena starts to clap for herself and then mouths, “Oh no!” If I was ambivalent before, I’m in love now. Melissa Leo nods to herself as her name is announced as a nominee. Christopher: Yea that’s me.
And it’s Melissa Leo! She’s running. She gets political with SAGs and unions, but it’s cool. I don’t know why I don’t like her…googling it doesn’t turn up anything either.
New badass lawyer drama, Franklin and Bash with 90s stars Breckin Meyer and Zach Morris. It’s not premiering, however, until the summer. TNT “We Know Drama” seems to realize this may be their only opportunity to have people here about this event five months from now.
7:41 Amy Poehler wins best introduction to an award: “And the Best Actor in this category according to some people as of tonight is…”
Christopher: I think HD is in a weird place right now, because before everyone’s acne was showing, but now it’s too washed out.
Jon Hamm makes a weird joke about being a woman but he says “And the funniest actress in this category accordding to Amy Poehler and the teamsters is Betty White.” B. White looks so shocked. Did the announcer just say that this was a “not subtle performance by Betty White”?
Betty “the badass” White says “You didnt applaud when I turned 40.” Stick it there. She then feels up the statue.
Jane Leeves is crying. Perhaps because Hot in Cleveland is not good.
Christopher: I don’t think Colin Firth should wear bowties because he already looks uptight.
7:49 Angie Harmon and LL Cool J are finally here to introduce another ensemble. Her dress is really not fitting with the tenor of this evening, it is noted.
And Modern Family wins, much to Christopher’s chagrin. Julie Bowen and Ed O’Neil make out, so let’s start a rumor that they’re sexting IRL. But more importantly: Phil just got a slap on the butt from his son! Good thing they’re playing those characters close to the vest.
During the “a lot of people died this year speech”, KB says “I must be getting my period because I’m about to cry again. I also just had three bowls of ice cream.”
Whatever KB, Sally Draper looks amazing.
This guy is winning a lifetime achievement award, and I have no idea who he is. Jessie: Is he actually good, or just still alive. Ernie? Curly?
He played a number of animated characters…including one in…All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Apparently, they don’t make ’em like Ernest Borgnine.
KB comes back and says “I was hoping I would miss the speech, but I love his glasses.”
The lifetime achievement award is just the smiling drama mask, but wouldn’t it be funny if it was a sadface?
8:18 I thought Patrick Stewart was dead. Note: it is Pete Postlethwaite that is bald and who I was thinking of. It doesn’t even matter, because of course Al Pacino wins.
KB: It’s all The Social Network boys, this is the best thing ever!
Christopher: Rosario Dawson, stand up! Shoulders back!
And Claire Danes wins for Temple Grandin, which we were told at the Globes we would never have to hear about again, but here it is. KB says “She has a shelf of awards for this part”, and Christopher retorts that “That’s what happens when you play a retard.”
Claire points out that she has worked with all of the women nominated in this category, whether on Temple Grandin or “all my fellow Little Women, Winona, Susan.” Little Women shout out! What a weird coincidence, I’m still reeling. She tells some story about how awesome co-star and fellow nominee Catherine O’Hara calmed her, but O’Hara is mouthing something along the lines of “This story is false.”
And Christian Bale wins, and the real Dickey is in the building, on stage! Is he on crack? Time will tell. Bale (another Little Women alum! This is just getting spooky! Where is Amy? Oh wait, Kirsten Dunst sucks) tells us that “This is really the best, getting it from fellow actors.” Someone remarks that “Getting it from Mark Wahlberg ain’t bad.”
8:40 Christopher: What is up with this set? Is it really weird? It’s like a fairytale. Like Alice and Wonderland.
Jessie: Everytime I see him (Jeff Bridges) I crave a white russian. Seriously. I could have one now.
8:44 Natalie is wearing satin, which was a mistake, as I predicted, because it has wrinkled awkwardly under her baby bump.
Christopher: Hilary Swank is like “Why I am here? My movie was released like, straight-to-dvd.”
8:51 Jessie does a physical reenactment of why she hates George Lopez. The real thing is right here. The bad stuff starts at around 3 minutes, if you can’t stomach the entirety:
8:56 What is up with Donald Sutherland? Why is he here and why does he look like Santa Clause, you can’t even see his face. I will never forgive him for deciding to be in the worse TV show ever that was renewed by ABC Dirty Sexy Money. They chose that over Big Shots!
And the Cast of The King’s Speech wins, upset! There’s like three of them. Helena runs after Geoffrey Rush. He tell us that “it shouldnt be called the SAG award, it should be called uplifting award.” Oh Geoffrey. We also got a glance of his bald head, but I missed it. Helena looks on in awe. Because they’re British, they say, “colonial” family for Australians.
Jessie: Oh that’s it, and it’s over. Not quite yet though! In case you didn’t see it, perhaps the award for most uncomfortable interview should go to these two ladies: