Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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Grammy Winners To Make You Feel All Right

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Every year, after the Grammys, which my father would spent the entirety of moaning and complaining about how there was no good music left in the world, I would take the list of winners that The New York Times published in the paper, and highlight all the artists I knew he liked or would like that had won. Even though it’s mostly a lot of bullshit, there are still lots of smaller categories that don’t get featured that honor musicians who quietly live their lives while making us happier. There are a few of my personal choices on here, such as Lady Gaga, who I know for a fact he was sick to death of hearing about. But variety is the spice of life, and I can and will like her next to Patty Griffin. Whatever the awards show ridiculousness was, and the resulting ridiculous ratings, there’s still some good stuff out there, so chin up kids!

An Abridged List, With Choice Commentary

New Artist: Esperanza Spalding
While Spalding may be new to everyone else, she’s been around for years, and the album she won for was her third.

Female Pop Vocal Performance: Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance”

Pop Instrumental Performance: Jeff Beck, “Nessun Dorma”

Pop Vocal Album: “The Fame Monster,” Lady Gaga

Dance Recording: “Only Girl (In the World),” Rihanna

Electronic/Dance Album: “La Roux,” La Roux
Was there even another way to go?

Rock Instrumental Performance: Jeff Beck, “Hammerhead”

Rock Song: Neil Young (“Angry World,” Neil Young)

Male R&B Vocal Performance: Usher, “There Goes My Baby”

R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals: Sade, “Soldier of Love”

Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: John Legend and The Roots, “Hang On In There”

Urban/Alternative Performance: Cee Lo Green, “_____You”

R&B Song: John Stephens (“Shine,” John Legend and The Roots)

R&B Album: “Wake Up!,” John Legend and The Roots

Contemporary R&B Album: “Raymond V Raymond,” Usher

Rap Solo Performance: Eminem, “Not Afraid”

Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group: Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz, “On To the Next One”

Rap Album: “Recovery,” Eminem

Male Country Vocal Performance: Keith Urban, “ ’Til Summer Comes Around”
The only song I actually like of his is that super sad one “You’ll Think Of Me”, and then maybe also “Somebody Like You.”

Jazz Vocal Album: “Eleanora Fagan (1915-1959): To Billie With Love From Dee Dee,” Dee Dee Bridgewater

Large Jazz Ensemble Album: “Mingus Big Band Live at Jazz Standard,” Mingus Big Band

Rock Or Rap Gospel Album: “Hello Hurricane,” Switchfoot
This is only included because this category is called “Rap Gospel”, a category I didn’t know existed. Another fun fact about Switchfoot: a large percentage of the Walk To Remember soundtrack consists of their songs. Though let’s be real, the one memorable song on that album was a cover of “Dancing In The Moonlight”, a King Harvest song from the 70s covered by Toploader. Though let’s be real, the best cover of that cover is my mother tunelessly singing along to it during a long roadtrip.

Traditional Gospel Album: “Downtown Church,” Patty Griffin

Americana Album: “You Are Not Alone,” Mavis Staples

Bluegrass Album: “Mountain Soul II,” Patty Loveless

Traditional Blues Album: “Joined at the Hip,” Pinetop Perkins and Willie ‘Big Eyes’ Smith

Contemporary Blues Album: “Living Proof,” Buddy Guy

Contemporary Folk Album: “God Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise,” Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs

Contemporary World Music Album: “Throw Down Your Heart, Africa Sessions Part 2,” Béla Fleck

Musical Album For Children: “Tomorrow’s Children,” Pete Seeger with the Rivertown Kids and Friends

Spoken Word Album For Children: “Julie Andrews’ Collection of Poems, Songs and Lullabies,” Julie Andrews and Emma Walton Hamilton

Spoken Word Album: “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents Earth,” Jon Stewart With Samantha Bee, Wyatt Cenac, Jason Jones, John Oliver and Sigourney Weaver

Comedy Album: “Stark Raving Black,” Lewis Black

Compilation Soundtrack Album For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media: “Crazy Heart”

Score Soundtrack Album For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media: Randy Newman, “Toy Story 3”

Song Written For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media: Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett, “The Weary Kind” from “Crazy Heart”

Short Form Music Video: Francis Lawrence and Heather Heller (“Bad Romance,” Lady Gaga)

Long Form Music Video: Tom Dicillo, John Beug, Jeff Jampol, Peter Jankowski and Dick Wolf (“When You’re Strange,” The Doors)

Engineered Album, Non-Classical: Michael H. Brauer, Joe Ferla, Chad Franscoviak and Manny Marroquin (“Battle Studies,” John Mayer)
DUH.

Remixed Recording, Non-Classical: David Guetta (“Revolver,” Madonna)

Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: Rob Jones and Jack White III (“Under Great White Northern Lights,” the White Stripes)

Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical: Danger Mouse

Classical Album: “Verdi: Requiem,” Riccardo Muti, conductor; Duain Wolfe, chorus master (Ildar Abdrazakov, Olga Borodina, Barbara Frittoli, Mario Zeffiri, Chicago Symphony Orchestra and Chicago Symphony Chorus)
This one’s for Jessie.

The Grammys 2011: Lady Gaga Emerges From The Egg

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7:00 Barbara Streisand is going to be here? Why?
LL Cool J introduces this tribute to Aretha Franklin, because he has won a Grammy, is black, and also on a CBS show. Kate: Wouldn’t it have been awesome is LL hadn’t spelled RESPECT correctly during his intro? A girl can dream. Whatever, the tribute to Aretha is great. I cried.
KB: This is the greatest group of people ever! They include Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence without her Machine, Yolanda Adams (who everyone was like “Gigga what?!” but is a Gospel singer, and Christina Aguilera, who appears to be in front of a microphone stand made of anal beads. But it’s all good; this is an amazing medley and why we watch the Grammys. It will all be downhill from here (Note: It mostly was).
KB: They are paying tribute to Aretha with their crazy outfits. Jessie: But no crazy hats.
“Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves!” It would be great if they brought Annie Lennox out right now but they won’t.

I wish I was watching The First Wives Club right now. Aretha comes on in a prerecorded video to thank everyone for “the flowers, beautiful flowers.”

Aretha’s touching moment and a lovely performance was swiftly ruined by this ad: “This Valentine’s Day, why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels?”

7:21 It is literally all downhill from here now. We all plan to now go get drunk by ourselves in separate bars because Train just won for “Hey Soul Sister.” They do seem to show a little self-awareness in their acceptance speeches, thanking “Justin Bieber for not being a duo or group” and some dude at the record label “who gave us another chance.” They are thankfully drowned out by some sort of organ music?

Ricky Martin shows up, wearing the aforementioned silver pants. Jessie: We can all eat our words, they are jeans, Ricky Martin. He pronounces Lady Gaga’s name “Ga Ga.”

It appears this egg is maybe more of a cocoon? She sounds amazing live, as per the usual, and has a lovely set of interpretive dancers.
Jessie: Yea she’s whipping her hair!
She also has some sort of interesting sidestep dance going on? And then serenades us with a little organ interlude, perhaps the theme of the night. Jessie: Guys, Bach is with us at the Grammys. (BTW, Kate is related to him, itsnobigdeal.
Sean: She can come in an egg anytime she wants.

7:33 I just viscerally reacted to Blake what’s his last name, who is married to Miranda Lambert. He says some inappropriate thing that Jessie thinks “means I was inside of her 20 minutes ago. Oh wait they are married!” We then have a conversation about how funny it was when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton did that at some awards show in the limo on the way there.
Wake me up in 10 minutes, she’s performing. There’s some sort of photo montage in the background we’re mostly unimpressed with, but Jessie points out that “They’re probably Iraq veterans, assholes.”
KB: Because they’re country. Except here’s the thing, I think she’s ugly, and that’s my problem with her.

7:38 Lenny Kravitz looks good. I hope they cut to Nicole Kidman (Note: They did not. How come at every awards show, when Jennifer Aniston is presenting, they show Angelina placidly staring at the stage, but they can’t remind us of those weird days when Nicole and Lenny were a couple?)

7:49 “Music always needs new stars,” Ryan Seacrest tells us. With that, we get B.o.B wearing a monocle! A monocle! My Mom used to joke that I would have to get one because my eyes were such different prescription but they totally evened out so HAH TAKE THAT MOTHER. He drops it off when he sings “ended up with none.” None more the monocle.
And Bruno Mars gets his performance in Black and White. He’s done an old-school rendition of “Grenade” that’s a little pitchy, especially at the end, but super cool. Cyndi Lauper is pleased.

7:59 At least Miranda Lambert thanked the songwriters and kept it short when she won.
“Up next: Justin Bieber and his mentor Usher take the stage.”
I have counted 3 Taylor Swift commercials thus far. Go home Taylor.

8:06 J. Biebz is singing “Baby” but it sounds like he’s singing “Bieber Bieber Bieberrrr.” I totally would buy a conspiracy theory arguing that he’s merely promoting a cultish agenda. The Pinkett-Smith’s are beaming as Jayden joins him on stage, because I guess Jayden redid The Karate Kid and Justin provided vocals.
Sean: This is like Kidz Bop
Jessie: There are not enough ways for you to love me, Usher.

8:14 Muse wins, so Christina is happy, and one of them “would like to give a shoutout to my beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there.” We get it dude: You knocked her up. Congrats.

8:21 This is so awkward that Best Pop Vocal is being introduced by Selena Gomez. KB points out that what if Justin wins? Are they going to make-out? CBS is sure hoping so.

We’ll never know the beginning of what Gaga said because these censors are just being very loose with bleeping, but thank god Justin Bieber didn’t win.

I have a theory that smiling at all times in required in the Pinkett-Smith household. They are always beaming.
Gaga says that when writing this track she “imagined whitney houston was singing this because I wasn’t brave enough.” I want a Whitney response, and ASAP.
CBS interrupts the show with fucking David Letterman doing one of his patented not funny Top 10 lists. This cross promotion is ridiculous.
The Avery Brothers come on, finally giving us something not remotely Top 40. They sing to us, “If youre loved by someone you’re never rejected.”

8:30 We finally get the promised Bob Dylan performance, which of course everyone hates because he doesn’t sounds like he used to, but can I point out that he’s never been the most consistent. He sings “Maggie’s Farm” in some lovely sneakers, with Mumford & Sons, which means that MC’s happy. I like his special harmonica mic. Neil Young stands up and claps at the end, while J. Lo looks bored and pissed. Stars: They never really surprise you.

Ad for the Wisconsin Dells tells us that “after you vacation in the Waterpark Capital of the world, you’ll never look at water the same way again.” I am actually dying to go.

8:43 Lady Antebellum performs “Need You Now” which is a very truthful song about being drunk late at night and missing someone, but that doesn’t make it good.
Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon are presenting Best Country Album together. Why not. Kings of Leon then win, and we see them freaking out backstage. It would have been cooler, if a lot meaner, to see them losing.

8:47 Cee-Lo, Gweneth Paltrow, and the Muppets? What could be better? Group consensus is that these are definitely Jim Henson lite, or the poorman’s Muppets, but a little research proves that they are indeed his work.
They just bleeped the puppets singing the N word. That’s a first.
Gweneth does a very convincing “Ooh I really hate your ass right now!” Her shoes are amazing. We get into an argument about how much choice celebrities have when picking out their clothes with a stylist. If The Rachel Zoe Project is anything to go off of, the stylists just do the heavy lifting.
Cee-Lo, who probs didn’t have a stylist for his outfit, looks like a “Cher abominable snowman” according to Jessie.

8:57 Katy Perry performs. One lone hand in the audience keeps reaching out to her, it’s beautiful.
The backdrop is images of KP’s wedding to Russell Brand. KB sceams “Yes!” Katy Perry tells us that “Teenage Dream” “goes out to all the Valentine lovers.” She mimes the line “one touch” scandalously. And then we see Nicole Kidman singing along!
KB asks: Kidman or Paltrow: who rehabbed their image better?
Jessie: Katy’s control is awful. Look how she’s not belting the high notes.

9:02 John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban performing “Jolene” in honor of Dolly Parton, who received a Lifetime Achievement award tonight. Awesome. John wisely says that he’s “going to stick to the script.” Here’s a not-horrible version of it:

And then that beautiful performance was followed by yet another win for “Need You Now.” Doesn’t anyone notice that this song is awful?

9:12 Kate: Is Eminem wearing a beeper?
KB: Probably because those were popularized the last time he was at the Grammys. Burn.
He said fuck and they didn’t catch it! Take that, censors. I wonder who will literally or figuratively pay for that.
Is that Evanescence with him? Christina says it’s this girl who was in another song with Fort Minor, that band started by that guy in Linkin Park. They’re singing a new song “I Need A Doctor”, and it’s with Dr. Dre. Oh I get it!
Jessie: Dre is Eminem’s Usher to Bieber.

9:21 Shock on the Biebz face when Esperanza Spalding won was crazy. The fact that no one in this category is a new artist seems to bother no one. Immediately after the win, it appears that crazed Bieber fans wreaked havoc to Spalding’s Wikipedia page, which is unfortunate, because she’s incredibly talented.

Bieber Fans Attack Esperanza Spalding’s Wikipedia Page [Gawker]

9:32 It’s time for the people who died this year. Fun as usual.

9:34 KB: Who is wearing a cape? Oh, Mick Jagger, duh.
Jessie: I want a count of how many times his name has been rhymed with Swagger. Off the top of my head it’s 2, but I bet it’s much more.
KB: He is wearing sneakers.
Kate: I wondered about the shoes; they look Nike.

9:45 Kris Kristofferson (who looks remarkably like Jeff Bridges, but maybe that’s because I watched The Big Lebowski today) introduces Barbara Streisand by saying “She’s sweetened our lives…like the music did our life.”
Kate: This is so boring.
Christina: Can we fast-forward please?
Jessie: It’s sad because I was like, wait, can we?
Please note that here have been like two awards.

9:50 Will.i.am introduces the award for Best Rap Album, but seems to not realize that “since the inception of this award” is pretty meaningless as it is only a few years old.
Eminem wins! And is unemotional as usual.
Finally! Beyonce! KB: Why you gotta playa hate. (Note: I have no idea why she said this. The growler was finished awhile before).

Apparently they are BFFLs, according to KB and some People magazine article quoting an anonymous and bullshit source she read like six months ago.

9:58 I like that the song choice that is played as “Puff Daddy” walks up is “I Need A Girl.” His teeth look weird. Debate is had over why he is introduced as Puff Daddy, and it is settled that that’s probably the name he won his Grammys in.
Rihanna and Drake perform in front of a timber pile. Rihanna brings out the Rude Boy dance, thank god. I really wish she and Drake would reconcile as more than just collaborators. I never realized that in “What’s My Name” the exact lyrics are “Say my name, say my name — wear it out.”

10:02 Jenny from the Block has to remind us that she’s married to Marc Anthony. They really make me appreciate couples who are rarely seen together.
“The song otherwise known as ‘Forget You'” is nominated. Someone had a field day with that one.
LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS AGAIN. They are shaking their heads in disbelief. Please shake your heads Lady Antebellum, we at home are as well. BOORRRRRINNGG.
The next episode of Criminal Minds is about a life coach that turns deadly. I may watch this.

10:11 Jason Segel is like “Why am I here introducing Arcade Fire? Oh wait I’m on How I Met Your Mother.

10:20 KB gets very upset about the Chrysler commercial because of their 90 spot during the Super Bowl that was paid for with taxpayer dollars that they have Chrysler has not paid back from the bailout thankyouverymuch.
Barbara and Kris Kristofferson, together at last!
What if Katy Perry won album of the year?! I wonder what Bob Dylan would think/say/emote?
Oh but we never have to worry because Arcade Fire wins for “The Suburbs”, a place that no one who listens to them ever wants to go back to.

That was perhaps the worst display of awards handed out I’ve seen in my young life. To make yourself feel better/worse about what crap it all is, read this Slate article that KB could not stop talking about as we whined about the injustice about it all about, well, the injustice of it all. And stay tuned for a short breakdown of artists that won awards and that we should be excited about.

Lady Gaga Is In An Egg: The Grammy Red Carpet 2011

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5:35 The first thing we see is Gaga. Giuliana tells us that “She is genius. The commitment that it takes to be in that womb, in an egg, in this egg.” I’ve got a new name catchphrase for Giuliana Rancic: Almost rancid, but not quite.
Ryan Seacrest tells us that Lady Gaga was inside that thing “for 3 hours getting ready with just her Blackberry.” Doesn’t he know you can do anything on that thing? Also that this is the closest look we’ll get of Gaga before she’s onstage “breaking her shell.”
Sean: I wanted to see what Gaga would be wearing, not what she’d stuff herself in.

5:38 LL Cool J is wearing the same thing he wore at whatever was the last award show we watched.

5:39 Ellie Jackson! La Roux. Jessie: I have sexual fantasies about you.

5:41 Ciara is holding her vagina in for the Glam Cam 360. She looks like the infamous J.Lo from 10 years ago.

5:43 Ryan: I’m standing here with an old friend, Jennifer Hudson. Get it get it? Because she was on American Idol and he hosts it. Of course they talk about the weight and Weight Watchers, but the mic wasn’t on her mouth when she plugged it so MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
Jessie: KB and I were worried about award show fatigue, but this is a new cast of characters.

5:48 Some predicatable Demi Lavato/Selena Gomez confusion occurs. They’re asking the one who isn’t in rehab and is dating Justin Bieber about his movie. She sounds incredibly bored about everything.
Oh but Drake comes to save the day! He says, “I feel great. I’m here with my mother.” Sean replies, “I just want to reach out and touch a brother.”
Whatever you think about Maroon 5, Adam Levine is hot and “Misery” is catchy so there.

5:55 It’s sad when the only think anyone can discuss is Lady Gaga. Her intro is now being referred to as a “Placenta-Egg thing.”

5:58 Wait is Valentine’s Day tomorrow? I had no idea.

6:00 John oh John. Christina: He looks like he’s trying to be Johnny Depp. I refuse to post a photo because I try to only speak well of him. Bruno Mars, however, has great hair. Later he does a great 360 cam with his “rat pack.”

Paramore is going to Brazil, so Giuliana tells them that “Brazil is a sexy sexy place.” Giuliana my love, pray tell: What happened to you in Brazil?
B.OB. has also brought his Mom. His blazer and scarf look great.

Kim! You look so Vegas! And oh, do you have a big ass? Thanks for reminding us!
Jessie: Her boobs are like a zip code.
KB: OMG it’s Rob! (Note here that she squealed also).
Sean: Is he the one with a perpetual boner in that episode?

6:11 Ricky Martin is wearing silver pleather pants. Just because you’re out now doesn’t mean you can wear hideous things. He tells us that 1999 “was a really intense evening for me.” As he speaks, the backdrop shows us Mya, who appears to be dating a Keanu Reeves look-alike?

6:19 I can’t tell the difference between Lady Antebellum and Paramore. Oh wait, that’s ’cause they both suck.

6:22 Reebok Easy Tone reminds me yet again that I do like to dance around in my underwear with my gal pals, so while I’m at it, why not make it Easy Tone?
Willow Smith! She says that hearing her song on the radio “is like, I’m changing peoples lives.” She is immodest in a way that only young individuals can be and still continue to appear charming. She also gestures just like her Dad. Her brother Jayden is performing with Justin Bieber, and though he was nervous, she “was like, aww you’ll be fine.” She’s told that Miley Cyrus is right behind her, but does not give a shit about Miley. Good for you girl.

Jessie: Miley’s boobs looks like a weird tumor. I’m clutching mine in defensiveness.
Sean: She looks too much like a platypus. Jessie: As opposed to striking the right balance of platypus-lookingness?
Miley says, “I’m very heavy”, referring to her jewelry. Unfortunately, we see that, but in another way.

6:28 Bieber arrives, wearing an ill-fitted suit. Sean: Why are you waddling? Because he took a shit in his diaper.

Kate: This whole show is Glee and American Idol.
There is a weird run-in with power couples Nicole and Keith vs. J.Lo and anthony. Who would win in a duel? Discuss.

6:32 Diddy looks fat. Sean: Maybe your TV just puts 10 lbs on people. And in the case of Miley Cyrus, about 30. Kate: At least his hair looks good.

Katy Perry brought her 90-year-old Grandmother with a bedazzled cane here to the Grammys for her birthday. Russell preens and looks bored in the background as he checks out the scene. He looks so old, like the crypt keeper, which is weird, because next to Nana he should look fresh. Armani made the outfits for the entire family. That did not stop Katy from looking like this:

6:38 Look at Justin saying hayyy to Rihanna’s breasts. Motorboating!

People are literally cheering at Rihanna in pipe cleaners. Ryan Seacrest asks her “when did he [Gautier] reveal to you it was going to be so revealing?” Rihanna keeps doing a lot of sexy shimmys to adjust her dress.

Where is Beyonce?! This Red Carpet has mourned for her and whatever fishtail dress she was going to wear.
Willow Smith has a purse that looks like a mobile with a phone dangling from it.
Where is Gwenny? We have 15 minutes people, get to it!

6:50 Jamie Foxx has a harem with him.
Lea Michele finally shows up, suspiciously separate from her Glee costars. KB points out that she predicted Lea would show up 5 minutes before the show started, and she’s only 5 minutes off. To make up for it, Lea does the best smirk/hair brush of her face I have ever seen. I wish I had a gif of that. Let’s make do with some sexy-face:

Seal is all about Heidi Klum’s feet, which, like the rest of her, feature a lot of gold (toenail polish). Klum tells us that “the trick is to stay naked.” I don’t know what context that is in. Ryan Seacrest hits Seal on the head with a microphone by accident.

And on that clutzy note, onto the real deal, which will feature few awards and lots of performances.

Images via Getty.

The Never-Before-Seen SAG Awards (2011), Unlive, The Next Afternoon

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Seriously, I have never watched them. But I think they’ve only been televised for a few years, so it is definitely not my fault and we can’t hold it against me. For some reason this year they started off with an excellent rap, but its unclear who is rapping and what about.

7:02 Someone just said shut up at the end of the intro/rap? The audience looks scared. I am confused.

7:06 Betty White is introducing one of the many actor awards. Take a little longer to open that envelope, Betty.

7:09 Mark Ruffalo is literally pulling Annette Bening along.
Jessie: Oh cool, cool award for cast!

I like Cory Monteith’s sexy-face pout and tie clip, which Jessie points out says to us “I dropped out of high school in 9th grade, can you tell?”
Award for “female actor.” Props. And even more props because it goes to Julianna Marguiles! She just kissed Josh Charles, which is a moment I WISH THEY WOULD REPEAT ON THE GOOD WIFE. KB: Look how hot her little husband is.
Julianna is so cutely emotional. She gives a big shoutout to the teamsters, and thanks the DP. Clearly, she understands what’s important: how she gets to work and the lighting. She also uses the term “pristine guidance” and says “I just want to say thank you to my inlaws. Thank you for producing the most spectacular human being.” Afterwards, camera cuts to Hilary Swank, who mouths “That was so sweet!” and we see Kenneth the Page still looking pleased as punch.

7:17 We now interrupt this broadcast for a few choice commercials.
Jessie: T-mobile: Catherine Zeta isn’t doing it for us anymore.
Honda tells us that “only sexy is sexy.”
TNT is pimping Rizzoli and Isles and Angie Harmon out. We’re getting constant updates from her Twitter feed.
Apparently she was the “social media host” of the 2011 SAG awards?

Sofia Vergara is onstage. Dexter just closed his eyes for awhile at her presence. I feel you.
Boardwalk wins best ensemble drama. Blah blah blah.
Did they just say that The Good Wife takes place in NY?
Sofia Vergara just waved during their speech. This woman can’t be tamed.
Paz de la Huerta has now taken it upon herself to interrupt Steve Buscemi and say “Thank you Allen Lewis-h for believing in me…and everyone else.” She is the definition of HOT MESS.

7:24 Writers Guild shout out!
Eric Stonestreet looks nervous.
Man with the Allstate voice talks about actors who do broadcast advertising. This awards show seems more blatantly full of marketing than others, but maybe they’re just not as good as seamlessly weaving it in.

7:29 We just saw another cameraman. Sloppy.
Helena starts to clap for herself and then mouths, “Oh no!” If I was ambivalent before, I’m in love now. Melissa Leo nods to herself as her name is announced as a nominee. Christopher: Yea that’s me.
And it’s Melissa Leo! She’s running. She gets political with SAGs and unions, but it’s cool. I don’t know why I don’t like her…googling it doesn’t turn up anything either.
New badass lawyer drama, Franklin and Bash with 90s stars Breckin Meyer and Zach Morris. It’s not premiering, however, until the summer. TNT “We Know Drama” seems to realize this may be their only opportunity to have people here about this event five months from now.

7:41 Amy Poehler wins best introduction to an award: “And the Best Actor in this category according to some people as of tonight is…”
Christopher: I think HD is in a weird place right now, because before everyone’s acne was showing, but now it’s too washed out.
Jon Hamm makes a weird joke about being a woman but he says “And the funniest actress in this category accordding to Amy Poehler and the teamsters is Betty White.” B. White looks so shocked. Did the announcer just say that this was a “not subtle performance by Betty White”?
Betty “the badass” White says “You didnt applaud when I turned 40.” Stick it there. She then feels up the statue.
Jane Leeves is crying. Perhaps because Hot in Cleveland is not good.
Christopher: I don’t think Colin Firth should wear bowties because he already looks uptight.

7:49 Angie Harmon and LL Cool J are finally here to introduce another ensemble. Her dress is really not fitting with the tenor of this evening, it is noted.
And Modern Family wins, much to Christopher’s chagrin. Julie Bowen and Ed O’Neil make out, so let’s start a rumor that they’re sexting IRL. But more importantly: Phil just got a slap on the butt from his son! Good thing they’re playing those characters close to the vest.

During the “a lot of people died this year speech”, KB says “I must be getting my period because I’m about to cry again. I also just had three bowls of ice cream.”
Whatever KB, Sally Draper looks amazing.

This guy is winning a lifetime achievement award, and I have no idea who he is. Jessie: Is he actually good, or just still alive. Ernie? Curly?
He played a number of animated characters…including one in…All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Apparently, they don’t make ’em like Ernest Borgnine.
KB comes back and says “I was hoping I would miss the speech, but I love his glasses.”
The lifetime achievement award is just the smiling drama mask, but wouldn’t it be funny if it was a sadface?

8:18 I thought Patrick Stewart was dead. Note: it is Pete Postlethwaite that is bald and who I was thinking of. It doesn’t even matter, because of course Al Pacino wins.

KB: It’s all The Social Network boys, this is the best thing ever!
Christopher: Rosario Dawson, stand up! Shoulders back!

And Claire Danes wins for Temple Grandin, which we were told at the Globes we would never have to hear about again, but here it is. KB says “She has a shelf of awards for this part”, and Christopher retorts that “That’s what happens when you play a retard.”
Claire points out that she has worked with all of the women nominated in this category, whether on Temple Grandin or “all my fellow Little Women, Winona, Susan.” Little Women shout out! What a weird coincidence, I’m still reeling. She tells some story about how awesome co-star and fellow nominee Catherine O’Hara calmed her, but O’Hara is mouthing something along the lines of “This story is false.”

8:35 Susan looks amazing. Duh. Once more, for the cheap seats in the back:

Her son looks just like Tim Robbins, who apparently almost ran Christopher’s Dad over in Boston.

And Christian Bale wins, and the real Dickey is in the building, on stage! Is he on crack? Time will tell. Bale (another Little Women alum! This is just getting spooky! Where is Amy? Oh wait, Kirsten Dunst sucks) tells us that “This is really the best, getting it from fellow actors.” Someone remarks that “Getting it from Mark Wahlberg ain’t bad.”

8:40 Christopher: What is up with this set? Is it really weird? It’s like a fairytale. Like Alice and Wonderland.
Jessie: Everytime I see him (Jeff Bridges) I crave a white russian. Seriously. I could have one now.

8:44 Natalie is wearing satin, which was a mistake, as I predicted, because it has wrinkled awkwardly under her baby bump.
Christopher: Hilary Swank is like “Why I am here? My movie was released like, straight-to-dvd.”

8:51 Jessie does a physical reenactment of why she hates George Lopez. The real thing is right here. The bad stuff starts at around 3 minutes, if you can’t stomach the entirety:

Jeff Bridges is turning into a father lion.

8:56 What is up with Donald Sutherland? Why is he here and why does he look like Santa Clause, you can’t even see his face. I will never forgive him for deciding to be in the worse TV show ever that was renewed by ABC Dirty Sexy Money. They chose that over Big Shots!
And the Cast of The King’s Speech wins, upset! There’s like three of them. Helena runs after Geoffrey Rush. He tell us that “it shouldnt be called the SAG award, it should be called uplifting award.” Oh Geoffrey. We also got a glance of his bald head, but I missed it. Helena looks on in awe. Because they’re British, they say, “colonial” family for Australians.

Jessie: Oh that’s it, and it’s over. Not quite yet though! In case you didn’t see it, perhaps the award for most uncomfortable interview should go to these two ladies:

2011 SAG Awards Red Carpet Or Giuliana Strikes back

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So I was running a little late because there was an episode of Party Down to finish RIP the best show ever. Never fear; the first 15 minutes were probably not that great, I hear.

5:24 Julianna Marguiles wins tonight for outfit, I don’t need to see anyone else (forshadowing: she actually did win!). Giuliana says, “Gorge.”

LL Cool J in the house. He literally looks as though he has not aged at all. This is probably due to that same Kangol hat he always wears. Jessie: I bet he’s 50. IMDB says 43.
Emily: There’s this music video where he just licks his lips over and over again, just like he is now. Bonus points for anyone who can find that and post it in the comments.

5:29 Kyra’s adjusting. I like her wing points at the top of the dress, they remind me of Maleficent, the evil lady from Sleeping Beauty.

Jessie: She looks like Catwoman.
Emily: In a good, not Catwoman way.
Jessie: Whatever, don’t you dare slander her name
Emily: Have you seen the one with Halle Berry?

Kurt from Glee says it’s hard to watch TV because he just keeps looking at his Golden Globe sitting next to it. Mentions that he might want to move it so that he can just relax already.

Addition to the list of pet peeves about Giuliana: Her incessant name-dropping. Jessie adds, “You cant say “mwah” while you actually kiss someone, that’s against the rules.” She then catches herself, and asks for this comment to be stricken from the record because “it’s a good thing KB’s not here, she does that.” The Unlive Blog never lies, Jessie.

5:32 Naya Rivera is doing that thing that Mariah Carey did for about a decade where she just wore too much beige because she was vaguely ethnic. Mistakes. She also appears to be talking to a man who could pass for Leighton “that’s not a last name” Meester’s brother.

5:35 It’s Razor from The Kids Are All Right!

5:39 Angie Harmon comes on. I should really keep watching Rizzoli and Isles, especially since they have some like secret gay following on Youtube with all these people making fanvids in hopes the lead women will get together? Is this the new Xena? Jessie notes that Angie’s dress has probably been worn before. Another Jesse (Tyler Ferguson) is wearing a flannel tie on a plaid shirt. Props.

5:43 Mila Kunis arrives. Jessie: Where’s Mac, where’s Mac!
KB: They broke up.
Jessie: Oh right.

She looks like the young lady on Modern Family who I keep thinking looks lovely at these things but dresses just a little old for herself, who met her boyfriend at a High School Musical 3 audition and Giuliana just will not stop prattling on endlessly to.

Anyway. Thought Mila’s dress was potentially the same collection as Heidi Klum’s from the Globes, but KB thinks it’s from the same McQueen collection Michelle Obama’s dinner with the Chinese that there has been so much hubbub about.

Girl from Winter’s Bone who KB hates because that movie edged out Andrew Garfield for Supporting Actor and The Town for Best Picture at the Oscars. This totally nonsensical hatred will continue throughout the night. But this is my favorite look, I think. It’s Oscar de la Renta.

5:46 Dianna Agron is the epitome of class again, in lace and sequins. Giuliana: You went with a shorter hemline!
A minute later it appears they haven’t moved on in conversation, prompting KB to say “Are they still talking about her shorter hemline?”

Jessie will spend much of the red carpet reading aloud the E! News ticker at the bottom of the screen. Some highlights: We’ve now discovered Eric Benet is engaged to “Mariela Testosterone” and that Justin Bieber is married.

5:48 Sophia Vergara. KB: You can spot those boobs a mile away. This viewing party is quickly becoming not team Sophia.

Ed Helms tells Giuliana that he’s “just rocking the carpet, SAG awards style.”

5:51 Julie Bowen in a fucking jumpsuit. Where is Amulya?!

Giuliana: You are more dressed up than most women here, this is tre elegante.
And then there was the collective wince heard ’round the world.

5:54 Epiphany! Those awful tmobile commercials feature Fisher from Greek! And the reason I didn’t recognize him was because his hair is so horrible for a reason unbeknownest to us.

6:05 John Krasinski is, through the help of modern technology, is both talking to Giuliana and her co-host whose like, somewhere else on the red carpet. He says that this is “so interactive. This is next-level interviewing.”
Lea Michelle is certainly into the deep-v’s and low-boob these days.

Jane Lynch is wearing Neil Lane. Sean: She’s going to prom after this.
Emily: In what, 1957?
Jessie: You know what guys, maybe she didn’t get to go to prom because she was bullied.

6:10 January Jones is pretty obviously going so conservative because of the Globes dress. But it’s not Versace, it’s Carolina Herrera and I love it.

6:13 Jessie says I’m going to feminist hell because I dont like Hilary Swank. Discuss.
When Melissa Leo walks out, there are SO many moans.
Giuliana tells us she would love to be telepathic in real life. And then as Claire Danes approaches, mutters crazily under her breath “OMG pretty.” It’s good that we don’t need to be telepathic IRL to figure out what she’s thinking.

6:18 Some girl who is a correspondant and on The City star says in her British accent that Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t look good because of the black tie on her dress? “You’re not doing karate, my love.”

6:29 Giuliana gets into it with Nicole about her “attic baby”, which I did not know was a Francesca original until this very moment.

6:31 Giuliana cannot talk to Christian Bale. “How are you feeling, are you feeling like the birthday boy? Christian: Of course im feeling like the birthday boy.
Julia Stiles looks amazing! There are worse dopplegangers to have.

6:33 Winona looks like a bridesmaid who wore white and the bride hates her. She was in Black Swan?! Maybe I didn’t know that because I’m still thinking about this:

Amy Adams is in Herve Leger, but all I can do is feel sympathy for her with her slight hair tuft at the hairline of her very sleek ponytail.

6:35 James Franco is wearing amazing sunglasses that are “Steve McQueen edition.”
This just in: Geoffrey rush is still bald, but wearing a different hat.

6:40 JT is making love with himself to the camera. But he has a buzz cut, so I love it. Giuliana asks him, “Did you ever want to change your name because it was kinda longer? See what we make you think about here on E!” She also gives him a nip of whiskey to “raise the roof a little bit.”

6:43 Christina Hendricks says “I feel like im in a smoking jacket.” Consensus is that her hair is a little brassy, and she’s wearing too much makeup, but I still love it.

Jessie asks, “Is there an actual awards show thats going to happen? I feel as though it’ll just be this all night.”

It is noted that Robin Wright nee Robin Wright Penn looks good. Her hair, however, does not. Jessie: It is a bang. One bang.

Giuliana tells us that, don’t worry, “all the stars look fabulous from my vantage point.” Your vantage point of needing to suck up to them so that you get someone to talk to you on this show. Let’s end on a more refreshing point: Helena Bonham Carter is not wearing the same dress as during the Globes and says, “They’re going to rip me to shreds anyway, so I might as well make it worse.”

Images via Getty/wireimage

Carlina White Takes Matters Into Her Own Goddamn Hands

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Earlier this week the New York Times told us of the happy reunion of a 23 year old woman with her birth parents from whom she had been kidnapped before she was a month old.
 
Growing up, Carlina White never felt like her mother really seemed like what a true mother should be, which at first (and yes, I am going to hell) sounds all “oh quit being so dramatic, Carlina.” I used to have the same thought when I was 9 and my parents wouldn’t let me have a second pack of gushers after dinner. But Carlina, unlike me, never let the feeling go, and just recently she managed to FIND her birth parents ONLINE after discovering an image of herself as an INFANT on the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children website. WHAT.
 
Being a total sucker for these kinds of stories, I was underwhelmed by the level of detail the article provided.
 
How did her abductive mother treat her growing up? What are the motivations to abduct in the first place if you don’t treat your new daughter well?? Ooh OOH what was THE ABDUCTOR’S childhood like??? And what, exactly, happened ‘around Carlina’s 16th birthday’ that started to really tip her off????”
 
WHERE IS MY LIFETIME/ABC FAMILY MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE? (Oh wait, here.)
 
In all seriousness, the topic of child abduction is the horrifying and morbidly fascinating type of thing that people can never get enough of. Such a violation of the natural order, these stories are always devoured by the public and the press.
 
But abduction tales like Carlina’s are particuarly fascinating. (And so much more palatable than those tragic later-in-life abductions, too often involving tales of sexual abuse and brain washing.) Because, despite the whole illegal-abduction-of-a-human being factor, these abductions go on to look and feel exactly like an adoption. We read about these stories and can’t help but ask ourselves, wait, what if… I were secretly adopted*????
 
I read The Face on the Milk Carton probably a dozen times in my youth (and once, again during a particularly dull Could-Time-Be-Progressing-Any-More-Slowly Winter Break in college). So there’s Janey: being 15, just doin’ her own thing in the school cafeteria, when she sees (spoiler alert) HER OWN PICTURE on the side of a milk carton! This is prime story telling fodder! But particularly so, I believe, for adolescents. It’s a no-brainer why stories like these are dog-eared favorites in 4th grade classrooms everywhere.

 
We are told Carlina “long had suspicions about her past.” While we are told that Carlina was treated poorly growing up (which I’m guessing means more than Withheld Gushers), the questions listed that Carlina was asking herself over the years are questions many of us asked while growing up:  Do I relate to my family? Do I really BELONG here? Anywhere?
 
Struggling to establish a personal identity against the backdrop of so many conflicting influences can be one of the hardest parts of growing up. Reconciling what your parents expect, what the cool kids are doing, what your friends are doing, what TRL (sorry, let me be more current… the Kardashians?) and pop culture are telling you is the norm is a daunting task for anyone, particularly young girls. We can’t help but fantasize about some scenario that would reconcile everything, would make this super challenging process easier.
 
Clearly I could not be happier for Carlina. And perhaps we’ll find out more about what sort of a woman dressed up as a nurse, said kind words to Carlina’s mother, and then stole her infant only to raise the child unhappily. But probably, we won’t. And it’s not our business to, either. We have ABC Family to fulfill those kinds of needs, right Francesca?
 
But what I am most happy for and impressed by was Carlina’s ability to not let those scary questions she asked herself growing up to hold her back in the end. To do what she did (never second-guess her instincts, reach out to strangers, completely uproot her life, presumably change her name back, right?) took guts. If Carlina can do all that, it should make all of us believe in ourselves and our right to stand up for ourselves a little more. I guess now I have no excuse not to at least stand up for myself when some douchebag gets all up on ALL MY PERSONAL SPACE on the CTA. Yeah, my life is really hard.
 
 
 
*Speaking of me going to hell, for a year in elementary school I had convinced all my close friends that I, the lone redhead in a family of brunettes, was, in fact, adopted. Yeah. I love you, Mom & Dad!

The Golden Globes 2011, Or When Jennifer Love Hewitt Did Not Win For The Client List

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Why weren’t we watching the NBC Red Carpet? It’s Carson Daly and Alexa Chung and some woman who looks like Lori Loughlin. Now the world, or this room full of people, will never know how much she’s actually like Lori Loughlin. Did she too star as the hot mom in a few choice CW series?

7:00 Of course Angelina and Brad are the first ones we see. They will remain in this half-hugging position for the whole night.
Ricky G. tells us that “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Here’s hoping Ricky. He starts talking about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist and what a bad movie it was (pan to Johnny Depp, looking amused) and Burlesque, of course (“Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975”). Moving on to other films not nominated, such as the SATC 2 poster airbrushing — “Girls, we know how old you are” — the censors do their job and bleep Christ’s sake, and we get a few John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay scientologist jokes. All in all, not reinventing the wheel, but everyone seems super uncomfortable, so win!

7:02 The Walking Dead is nominated. Shot of Steve Buscemi. Someone back there has a sense of humor.

7:05 And it’s time for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Duh, it’s Christian Bale, which means KB was the loser. Guys, money never ever sleeps.
KB screams “Geoffrey Rush is wearing a chapeau!” He is apparently bald underneath for a film.
Christian Bale makes some long weird comment about Deniro that the censors cut. We’ll never know…

7:09 LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are presenting together. Why, Bowen, why?
First upset of the night: Katey Sagal wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama. Loved her on 8 Simple Rules, but here she looks like Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey.


She says to her husband, the creator of Sons of Anarchy: “Sweetheart, I love you. I’m so glad you’re the boss of me.” Woah. They cut her off faster than they cut of Christian Bale. KB notes that that’s because they’re scared for their lives when it comes to Christian. No one has won this round.
Kenneth the page!

7:16 We’re introduced to this years Golden Globe Girl, aka, the lesser Golden Girl(s).
Carlos wins Best Foreign Language Film or whatever. Second upset! And we get to see Kenneth the page again, making that same manic face everytime.

KB: You know its a night of upsets when everyone is coming from the mezzanine.

7:21 Garrett Hedlund, my future husband.
Scott Caan. Jessie gets mad at Kate for not remembering that he was in Oceans 11. Whatever, apparently he has a super hairy chest.
Kenneth the page sighting number 3.
Chris Colfer wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee. He looks so genuinely shocked, and the cast is so excited for him (Lea Michele maybe is a good actress, methinks). He says, “I think I just droped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if you could give it back to me….” Blake has won this round.

7:30 Michelle Pfeiffer is the most beautiful woman alive, except “her armpits go up to Toledo” says Jessie. I don’t know what that means. She will spend the rest of the show looking pissed though, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Ricky G. makes a joke about the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, who counters, “Ricky, next time you want me to help qualify your movies, go to another guy.”

7:33 Kevin Bacon is going to be in X-Men?
Steve Buscemi wins, and Boardwalk Empire wins, which mean Kate wins! Did you know my friend Talia used to shred his fan mail for him as an afterschool job? He says, “First of all, I have thank table 114. You guys are a lot of fun.” Apparently he has a relative named Tutti? Maybe he is in the mob.

7:39 Brad and Angie with the bow tie. They’re just like real people, these wax figurines.

7:45 Jesse Eisenberg has a soul patch. Dude stop it.

7:47 Burlesque wins for best song, that awful number where Cher just yells that you “Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me.” A Liza Minelli wannabe accepts, though I do love it when non-famous people win. Both Blake and Christopher get this round.

7:50 Best Score goes to The Social Network aka Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Jessie and Kate win this round duh. But it’s hilarious to see him in a suit.

Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical goes to Glee, which is pretty ridic. Ari says, “They’re going to cry over everything. They’re going to cry over tonal shifts in their episodes.”

7:55 Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hailee Steinfeld and the J. Biebz. Jessie: This is why puberty is awkward, she’s two years younger than him, and like a foot taller.
Ari: I dont know how to feel about kids introducing animated features. AGEISM.
Jessie says, “Maybe Toy Story 3 won’t win”, right as it does. Everybody gets this round. The dude who runs up to accept looks like Ed Helms, and he remarks, “Wow, were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?” Touché, good sir.
This is incredibly unfair. Because he’s not like, super famous, they are legit just cutting to famous people looking bored as he talks.

7:59 Look at Robert Downey Jr. swagger. Maybe it’s because he’s married to to Susan Lucci, right Jessie? He tells a very extensive joke about the women who are nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, and how he’s connected to all of them. Gets awk, but I dig.

Someone notes that Al Pacino and Michael Douglas are slowly becoming the same person. That’s right: OLD WHITE MEN.
And Annette Bening wins! Which means KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily get points. Annette thanks “Mark Ruffalo, our awesome sperm donor, and “MY HUSBAND, WARREN BEATTY!” That’s right, stake your claim girlfriend.

8:11 It’s Tilda and Geoffrey Rush. What a dynamic duo.
Going back to Al Pacino, Ari wonders if it’s weird she always confuses him with Bob Dylan. Kate says no, they both look homeless.

8:16 And Claire Danes wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television, duh. She tells us, “I have to rattle these names off because everyone was so vitalllll,” emphasis on the vital. Slow camera pan in on J.Lo Hew, who is trying not to cry. As Kate was the only one to vote in this category, she wins by default and also brilliance.

8:23 Zac Efron looks like a boy band member. Ari and KB think his tie is too shiny, but Kate likes it.

8:25 Kenneth the page. If you’re trying to make this a drinking game, that’s the fourth sighting.

Steve Carell comes out with Tina Fey, and tells us “Don’t turn the channel! We’re still stars.” Yessir.
Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Screenplay – Motion Picture, which means KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca and Kate win. Where is JT?!
KB: Aaron, tell us who was better: Kristin Chenoweth or Maureen Dowd?
Kate: Ouch.

8:29 Jane Lynch wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee, with the group conclusion being that she’s better in other stuff, but we all like her. She says, “My cup runneth over”, but “I am nothing if not falsely humble.” I love a good prepared speech that seems natural and doesn’t require a piece of paper. She also thanks her family in Chicago, and we’re pretty sure she’s talking about us. On that note, Blake and Christopher have got this round.

8:35 Woman from Denmark wins something foreign. Kate says “Denmark. Is she Denmarkein?” It’s clarified that she’s in fact Danish.

8:38 Helen Mirren introduces Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical by explaining that these women are always “gorgeous, smart, beautiful.” Really? Do we need to superlatives about how attractive they are? ‘Cmon Helen. She also uses some weird terminology comparing this process to the lifecycle — inseminated, gestated, given birth — that gives us all a bit of a uncomfortable feeling.
Laura Linney wins for The Big C but couldn’t be bothered to show. (UPDATE: I’m a bitch. Her dad died recently.) Kate goes deaf as KB squeals in her ear. Jessie says that the show is, “about her living her life, like a free bitch.”

8:46 Jane Fonda aka my mother’s celebrity doppleganger hasn’t been at the Globes for 25 years. Guys, that’s embarrassing that you just admitted to losing her invite every year for that long.
Much debate occurs over whether you can see the top of her right nipple. It’s inconclusive. If you have picture evidence, holler at me.
Kaley Cuoco is so genuine about Jim Parsons winning for The Big Bang Theory. Watch this scene if you need convincing he’s worth the time. KB, Blake, Christopher and Kate win this round.
Kate: Hugh Laurie is bald. Accept it and move on.

8:50 Jeremy Irons. Jessie: Mufasaaaa!
Melissa Leo wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. She says, “All that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!” Cut to Mark Wahlberg drinking away. It must be sad that you’re surrounded by all this talent and know you won’t get a win boy. Melissa thanks someone for “those few hours we spent in the maritime hotel”, and then realizes what she has just said and clarifies, “No no no you dont know what kind of girl I am!” What kind of girl would that be, Melissa. She makes sure to say, “Mark Wahlberg, you are a prince.” Jessie: He does not like her.

8:59 Cecil B. Demille award and Robert Deniro makes a weird speech. In the introduction by Matt Damon, he tries to act out some of his best scenes. What is this, an audition? Temple Grandin is really bored, and Eva Longoria is sitting next to her? KB tries to start a rumor that something’s going on with those two.
Angelina is looking through Brad to find the waiter. “Bring me more Moet bitch!”

9:07 Deniro was bleeped. We don’t know what he said. but he was workin’ blue, according to Ari.
Ad for Abilify the anti-depressant. Ari says: Is that like Unobtainium?

9:12 Oreo commercial, entitled ‘Lick or be licked.” Kate starts down a dark path with this catchphrase.
Ari: Oreoes dont need to be advertised. The people that are going to buy them are going to buy them. If you see them you won’t suddenly like them. Discuss.
Kate: They totally picked Megan Fox to talk about The Tourist because she’s the poor man’s Angelina.

9:16 David Fincher wins Best Director, which means Blake, Christopher, Francesca and Kate are the champions. Is his speech 4 pages long, or is he blind?

9:18 Christopher: Modern Family is for homophobes.
HUGE outcry in the room.

9:24 Why is Alicia Keys here? Yes, she is a singer, to those in the room who seemed confused.
Paul Giamatti looks like he’s on coke or something, but its just Godiva chocolate? He won in the category that no one good was nominated in, Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, but Emily wins. They keep bleeping him out. For some reason he says, “Montreal, I dream about it. I salute the great nation of Canada.” That’s probably the first time it’s ever been saluted, so job well done.
As we cut to commercial break, we get a shot of Emma Stone and Mila Kunis who seem very happy to be there, jumping together.

9:28 Commercial for L’Oreal: ‘Imagine if you could grow young.” It’s “inspired by gene science.” This is followed by a commercial for Exboards, which are whiteboards. What has the world come to.

9:32 Joseph Gordon Levitt has a weird button on, and is talking like a weirdo. It’s cool though, he was in 3rd Rock from the Sun.
Jeff Bridges tells us that Natalie Portman has won Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama. We get some shots of him being positioned appropriately on the stage by Miss Golden Girls.
Natalie, you should stick to acting. She tells us, Thank you to Benjamin for helping me bring another life into this world” and “he’s the best actor, he totally wants to sleep with me!” She also thanks Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis. Dear god. She does have a fabulous back, and Darren Aronofsky only has a horrible pedostache.
KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily win, but could have predicted such a horrendous speech?

9:46 Sandra!
KB: The Golden Globes is a 50/50 British/American. (Note: This was def the Sunny D and Andre talking. In no way do the awards shake out this way.)

9:54 Michael Douglas gets onstage. Everyone stands, which means KB was right about that. She starts violently hitting Kate while Michael tiredly says, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”
The Social Network wins for Best Picture — Drama.
Why is Kevin Spacey hugging Aaron Sorkin? Ari: Because he thinks that its the year 2000 and he won for American Beauty. Chris smiles slyly. Why are the fake Winklevoss’ up there and fucking Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield can’t stop being emo and get up there. David Fincher blames their “left brain combination.”

Ricky G. tells us it’s all over, and “Thank you to god, for making me an atheist.” Sure thing bro.

FINAL TALLY:
Blake, our dark horse from out West, wins with a resounding 15 correct answers! Christopher comes in a respectable 10, and Kate, our ever-fearless blogger, comes in with 9. Everyone else ties at 8
What should Blake’s prize be? The opportunity to take over Smart Girls for the day? A nice bottle of Moet (or Andre?) You decide!
[memedex: pollid#492919]

And thank you to Gawker for finding this clip. Now I can watch over and over and over again.

The Red Carpet, 2011 Golden Globes Style

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All times are Central Standard Time. As if you care.

5:04 Olivia Wilde starts the night off in Marchesa, with a beautiful dress and horrid hair. Maybe it’s the humidity. You can’t see her shoes in this picture, but they are awesome, like what dragon shoes would look like if they had shoes.

Oh and it’s our favorite, Guiliana Rancic, Ryan Seacrest’s “partner in crime.” In case you were wondering, her dress is Zac Posen, her shoes are Louboutin, and blah blah stop wishing you were famous. In case you were also wondering, the E! Glam Cam is out, with 360 vision, so you will get to see Sofia Vergara’s backside.

5:07 I didn’t even recognize Kaley Cuoco, but she is definitely drunk. She managed to convince us she’s engaged, but then actually no, just to Chopard, who gave her that massive rock on her ring finger.

5:12 Baby bumps are very in this season, says Kelly Osbourne. It’s baby bumps galore! Jessie: Natalie’s prego? What you want Natalie!

5:19 J.Lo Hew is wearing a wedding dress. Perhaps she is trying to remind us that she is a strong, desirable female who also happens to vagazzle.

5:27 Alec Baldwin is freaking out Jayma Mays with his usual hilarity. And then they shake hands! Jenna from Glee looks like Sandra Oh, because they’re both Asian.

5:32 Julianne Hough. Jessie: Is that Sharpay?

5:34 Dianna Agron looks amazing!

Jessie tells us that she was cast the night before they started filming the pilot of Glee. She also says “That dress is not doing her boobs any favors. You’ve got to love the one you’re with.”

5:35 Elizabeth Moss says Keira Knightley “is just like a normal girl.” Ryan Secrest reminds us that she is also “incredibly hot and glamorous.” Thanks. She is wearing Donna Karen, aka, old lady fare. This green will be repeated throughout the night.

5:38 Ricky G! His sunglasses are reflective. Ryan reminds us that we should all be nervous about the show being held live. Hopefully he’ll hold his tongue. Oh wait no, please don’t, it’ll be the only interesting thing to happen.
Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit is presenting with J. Biebz and going to get lots of death threats. Or something.

5:44 KYRA SEDGWICK. You are so hot. If you and Kevin Bacon break up, I will sob real tears.

Piper Perabo: nice ass. Why are you nominated for Covert Affairs, aka the poor man’s Alias? Were they desperate for women? I should write their shortlist for them.

5:46 Julie Bowen is apparently a bitch? And in a feud with Sofia Vergara? She called her a “Cholo Barbie.”
And here’s Jessie Michael Tom Taylor Patrick King Ferguson, as Jessie calls him, aka Mitchell from Modern Family. He is not straight, duh. Eric Stonestraight, as his castmembers call him, is.

5:49 KB: Look at that microphone! It has glitter!
Kate: You are a magpie.
Helena Bonham Carter is wearing two different shoes. Jessie: she can do whatevers he wants
KB: For a second I thought that caption said sup actress, as in, ” ‘Sup, Actress”, but it is an abbreviation for supporting.

5:50 Eva Longoria. TAKE THAT TONY. But she wears too many fishtail dresses.
We now know what Guliana Rancic really looks like: A Praying Mantis.

5:55 Kourtney and Kim! You take New York.
Lea Michele looks like Pepto Bismal, or Jessie’s halloween costume from several years ago.

5:56 Natalie! What what what. What is that rose. I expected more of you. You are showing, but like, what is your deal.

5:59 Remy: There’s going to be a fourth Mission Impossible? This is the worse news. I love how E! streams news on the bottom like they’re CNN.
HEATHER MORRIS! January Jones. So many good looking ladiez.
Naya Rivera too! Jessie: I can see each of asscheeks, and I have never been more pleased.
KB: Did she get a boob job IRL?

6:01 Jake Gyllenhaal and Jason Segel just bro-highfived.
KB loves Carrie Underwood’s because its sparkly and she’s predictable. Sean notes she always wears this dress. Agreed.

6:04 Emma Stone. I didn’t recognize her but she looks awesome. Like she’s wearing neoprene.

Apparently Judd Apatow told her to dye her hair red. Jessie’s afraid it won’t go back.

6:05 KB: Nothing makes me happier than seeing how bad ScarJo looks.

Jessie: Jeez these celebrities move so fast (in reference to her break-up with Ryan Reynolds).
KB: Hi, resident Lauren (in reference to Jessie not knowing anything about popular culture).
Eva Longoria does the breakup thing correctly, ScarJo does not.
Jessie: She looks like she has sex hair, and then went around in a convertible.

6:10 Nicole, I dont believe that you stopped the Botox. She has looked much worse, so she gets judged on a scale.
Sean just confused Keith Urban and Keith Richards. and then Jessie said, “Who are either of them?”
KB didnt know Urban was Austrailian. Everyone here graduated from College, btw.

6:11 The most famous man in the world has just arrived aka J. Biebz.
Sean: Is he gay and dating an Asian man now?
His hair looks a little different. Bieber says, “Well they just put it in my schedule and I showed up.” You know, a typical Sunday night at a major awards show, NBD. Last year I was recording Youtube videos of me in my living room.
Jessie: He always looks pensieve. He is just dealing with the weight of the world.

6:12 Michael “Money Never Sleeps” Douglas. Catherine Zeta is wearing green (Kate: I love Zorro) as is Mila Kunis and like fucking everyone else, but it’s okay, because it’s KB’s favorite color.
KB: I have ten dollars to say that when he goes up there to present, everyone will stand.
Jane Krasinski is pregnant. KB wants to know if there is a Lamaze counselor backstage.
Kate: I hate how pregnant women always hold their stomaches.
Jessie: If I bite the inside of my cheek, I can’t stop touching it. When I am pregnant, I’m not going to stop touching my stomach.

6:15 Julianne Moore. Divisive.

6:16 Jessie: Meester is not a real last name. That’s what a self-involved person calls themself.
Sofia Vergara = boobs galore, with a fake corset. She just plugged Easy Tone Reeboks. Not good. Everyone is disgusted.

6:26 Remy: E! replaced the news with a Twitter feed. This is actually an upgrade.
We recognize Angelina from the back. At least she’s not wearing black? It’s so hard not to irrationally hate her, especially when she always looks like a wax figure.

6:28 The one look I just got of Michelle Williams is no good. Daisies seem to be involved She seems to consistently try to relive her youth with her dress. Perhaps this is a response to years and years of playing a baddd girl on Dawson’s Creek. is trying to look like a small child
Everyone applauds at the presence of Sandra Bullock. I like the bangs, though it is a little “I want to hide from the world.”
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Jessie just thought Robert Downey Jr. was married to Susan Lucci.

6:35 Tina Fey. I’m sticking with my classification of this as very sea anemone esque.

Halle Berry. Always so much skin. KB thinks she “looks like a skank on a stick.” Ew.

6:37 Giuliana Rancic just had the best freakout about Angelina and Brad I have ever seen. If anyone can get me coverage of this, I will pay money for it.
KB has decided she wants to see No Strings Attached at home and not in theaters because then we can drink. I remind her that my mother has already taught me how to do that in theaters.

6:41 J.Lo from above looks like an angel. In a frontal view, her cape looks like something my Nana would wear.
Annette Bening and Warren Beatty have blessed us with their presence, finally.

6:45 Mandy Moore. The top looks awesome, i want the rest.
Update: Disappointing.

6:52 Christina Hendricks. Too much poof, probs, but props to red heads wearing red on the red carpet.

Helen Mirren and Tilda Swinton hugging! Get me this GIF.

And onto the real show. We’re left with one last image of Christian Bale with the worst beard and hair combo I’ve ever seen. Oh Christian why! Why would you do that to me.

Images via Getty.

Golden Globes Ballot: OR, Will Jennifer Love Hewitt Win For The Client List?

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Let’s start with a blank slate. A slate of the most important and only interesting categories as follows, with the only people who matter predicting.

BEST MOTION PICTURE — DRAMA
Black Swan — Emily
The Fighter
Inception

The King’s Speech — Christopher, Francesca
The Social Network — KB, Blake, Jessie, Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone — Jessie
Natalie Portman, Black Swan — KB, Blake, Christopher, Emily
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine — Francesca, Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech — KB, Blake, Christopher, Francesca, Emily, Jessie, Kate
James Franco, 127 Hours
Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine
Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alice in Wonderland
Burlesque

The Kids Are All Right — KB, Blake, Christopher, Francesca, Emily, Kate
Red
The Tourist

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right — KB, Blake, Christopher, Emily
Anne Hathaway, Love and Other Drugs
Angelina Jolie, The Tourist
Julianne Moore, The Kids Are All Right — Francesca
Emma Stone, Easy A — Jessie (“I feel obligated, I mean, right? Kate: Agreed.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Wow. These choices are just WOW. I can’t even choose. I refuse.
Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland — Blake
Johnny Depp, The Tourist
Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version — Emily
Jake Gyllenhaal, Love and Other Drugs — Christopher
Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack — KB, Francesca, Jessie

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Despicable Me
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Tangled
Toy Story 3
— Duh, everyone.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Amy Adams, The Fighter — Francesca
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Mila Kunis, Black Swan
Melissa Leo, The Fighter — KB, Blake, Christopher, Emily, Jessie
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom — Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Christian Bale, The Fighter — Blake, Christopher, Francesca, Emily, Jessie, Kate
Michael Douglas, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Andrew Garfield, The Social Network
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech — KB

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE
Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan — KB
David Fincher, The Social Network — Blake, Christopher, Francesca, Kate
Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
Christopher Nolan, Inception — Emily, Jessie
David O. Russell, The Fighter

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE
Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy, 127 Hours
Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg, The Kid’s Are All Right
Christopher Nolan, Inception — Emily
David Seidler, The King’s Speech — Jessie
Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network — KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca, Kate

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE
Alexandre Desplat, The King’s Speech — Blake
Danny Elfman, Alice in Wonderland
A.R. Rahman, 127 Hours
Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, The Social Network — Jessie, Kate
Hans Zimmer, Inception — Christopher, Francesca, Emily

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE
“Bound To You”, Burlesque
Music by: Samuel DixonLyrics by: Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler
“Coming Home”, Country Strong — Jessie
Music & Lyrics by: Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges
“I See The Light”, Tangled — KB, Francesca, Emily
Music by: Alan Menken Lyrics by: Glenn Slater
“There’s A Place For Us”, Chronicle of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Music & Lyrics by: Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey
“You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me”, Burlesque — Blake, Christopher
Music & Lyrics by: Diane Warren

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Boardwalk Empire (HBO) — Blake, Francesca, Jessie
Dexter (SHO)
The Good Wife (CBS) — KB, Christopher, Kate
Mad Men (AMC) — Emily
The Walking Dead (AMC)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife — Blake, Christopher, Emily, Jessie
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men — KB
Piper Perabo, Covert Affairs (Kate: Please!)
Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer — Francesca, Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire — Kate
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad — Francesca, Jessie
Michael C. Hall, Dexter — Christopher
Jon Hamm, Mad Men — KB, Blake, Emily
Hugh Laurie, House

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
30 Rock (NBC)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
The Big C (SHO) — Francesca
Glee (FOX) — Kate
Modern Family (ABC) — KB, Blake, Christopher, Emily, Jessie
Nurse Jackie (SHO)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Toni Collete, United States of Tara — Jessie
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie — Christopher
Tina Fey, 30 Rock — Francesca, Emily
Laura Linney, The Big C — KB, Blake
Lea Michele, Glee

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock — Francesca, Emily, Jessie
Steve Carell, The Office
Thomas Jane, Hung
Matthew Morrison, Glee
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory — KB, Blake, Christopher, Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hayley Atwell, Pillars of the Earth
Claire Danes, Temple Grandin — Kate
Judi Dench, Return to Cranford
Romola Garai, Emma
Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Client List (Kate: PLEASEEE)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Hope Davis, The Special Relationship — Emily
Jane Lynch, Glee — Blake, Christopher
Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire — Francesca
Julia Stiles, Dexter — Jessie
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family — KB, Kate

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Scott Caan, Hawaii Five-O
Chris Colfer, Glee — Blake
Chris Noth, The Good Wife — Kate
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family — Christopher, Francesca, Emily, Jessie
David Stratharin, Temple Grandin — KB

‘Tis The Season For Buying Nice Looking Stuff

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If there ever was a time, pick now. The only part of the Holdays that makes me endlessly depressed is how much hideous stuff people get and give and it just proliferates a cycle of awful that really, let’s face it, can be nipped quickly in the bud with a little old-fashioned honesty and a slight bit of creativity. Or, a really good gift receipt.

A few ideas if you’re still tossing that ball of coal in the air, getting ready to put it in my stocking:

Not everyone has the time to totally redo the entire packaging of a product, carefully removing the original label off the box like in my favorite scene from Catch Me If You Can where he takes the TWA logo off of tons of model planes (the really good stuff starts at about 1:15). But if you are so thoughtful, consider trying to become an Über design pro and strip stuff down to its bare essentials, like these design dudes did.

For those feeling less esoteric and just want something to wear, these Nike High Top dunks are almost making my gold glitter ones feel boring.

The perfect thing to look forward to spring (with)!

Release your inner child with this super cool chandelier made of colored pencils by Isabelle Lochet. You can rearrange it to suit your every whim and it lights up.

And when all else fails, just go to Budapest. Because it’s surprisingly awesome and they build apartment buildings like this:

Or you can stay at Happy Flat, tell Fabio I sent you, or don’t because his name isn’t actually Fabio, it’s something Hungarian and I didn’t even try to bother to attempt to learn that language like Jessie did on the train with such vigor. But he is great and will literally give you the Budapest 411, which includes referrals to amazing clubs under rivers that are outdoors, or places to get your haircut like Horror Barbie.

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