Some people are very very very good whistlers. It took other people a long time to just fake it.
The weather has not been good to Chicago this week; in fact, it’s been the definition of a fickle mistress. That’s not related to this video, it’s just to say that things have been better and I look forward to them being so again.
I haven’t made it through all of these interviews with Matthew Weiner, but here’s more information about Mad Men than you always wanted to know.
I appreciated the power of Robert Ebert’s words before, but somehow, they’ve become more moving now that he can’t speak.
7:00 Barbara Streisand is going to be here? Why?
LL Cool J introduces this tribute to Aretha Franklin, because he has won a Grammy, is black, and also on a CBS show. Kate: Wouldn’t it have been awesome is LL hadn’t spelled RESPECT correctly during his intro? A girl can dream. Whatever, the tribute to Aretha is great. I cried.
KB: This is the greatest group of people ever! They include Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence without her Machine, Yolanda Adams (who everyone was like “Gigga what?!” but is a Gospel singer, and Christina Aguilera, who appears to be in front of a microphone stand made of anal beads. But it’s all good; this is an amazing medley and why we watch the Grammys. It will all be downhill from here (Note: It mostly was).
KB: They are paying tribute to Aretha with their crazy outfits. Jessie: But no crazy hats.
“Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves!” It would be great if they brought Annie Lennox out right now but they won’t.
I wish I was watching The First Wives Club right now. Aretha comes on in a prerecorded video to thank everyone for “the flowers, beautiful flowers.”
Aretha’s touching moment and a lovely performance was swiftly ruined by this ad: “This Valentine’s Day, why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels?”
7:21 It is literally all downhill from here now. We all plan to now go get drunk by ourselves in separate bars because Train just won for “Hey Soul Sister.” They do seem to show a little self-awareness in their acceptance speeches, thanking “Justin Bieber for not being a duo or group” and some dude at the record label “who gave us another chance.” They are thankfully drowned out by some sort of organ music?
Ricky Martin shows up, wearing the aforementioned silver pants. Jessie: We can all eat our words, they are jeans, Ricky Martin. He pronounces Lady Gaga’s name “Ga Ga.”
It appears this egg is maybe more of a cocoon? She sounds amazing live, as per the usual, and has a lovely set of interpretive dancers.
Jessie: Yea she’s whipping her hair!
She also has some sort of interesting sidestep dance going on? And then serenades us with a little organ interlude, perhaps the theme of the night. Jessie: Guys, Bach is with us at the Grammys. (BTW, Kate is related to him, itsnobigdeal.
Sean: She can come in an egg anytime she wants.
7:33 I just viscerally reacted to Blake what’s his last name, who is married to Miranda Lambert. He says some inappropriate thing that Jessie thinks “means I was inside of her 20 minutes ago. Oh wait they are married!” We then have a conversation about how funny it was when Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton did that at some awards show in the limo on the way there.
Wake me up in 10 minutes, she’s performing. There’s some sort of photo montage in the background we’re mostly unimpressed with, but Jessie points out that “They’re probably Iraq veterans, assholes.”
KB: Because they’re country. Except here’s the thing, I think she’s ugly, and that’s my problem with her.
7:38 Lenny Kravitz looks good. I hope they cut to Nicole Kidman (Note: They did not. How come at every awards show, when Jennifer Aniston is presenting, they show Angelina placidly staring at the stage, but they can’t remind us of those weird days when Nicole and Lenny were a couple?)
7:49 “Music always needs new stars,” Ryan Seacrest tells us. With that, we get B.o.B wearing a monocle! A monocle! My Mom used to joke that I would have to get one because my eyes were such different prescription but they totally evened out so HAH TAKE THAT MOTHER. He drops it off when he sings “ended up with none.” None more the monocle.
And Bruno Mars gets his performance in Black and White. He’s done an old-school rendition of “Grenade” that’s a little pitchy, especially at the end, but super cool. Cyndi Lauper is pleased.
7:59 At least Miranda Lambert thanked the songwriters and kept it short when she won.
“Up next: Justin Bieber and his mentor Usher take the stage.”
I have counted 3 Taylor Swift commercials thus far. Go home Taylor.
8:06 J. Biebz is singing “Baby” but it sounds like he’s singing “Bieber Bieber Bieberrrr.” I totally would buy a conspiracy theory arguing that he’s merely promoting a cultish agenda. The Pinkett-Smith’s are beaming as Jayden joins him on stage, because I guess Jayden redid The Karate Kid and Justin provided vocals.
Sean: This is like Kidz Bop
Jessie: There are not enough ways for you to love me, Usher.
8:14 Muse wins, so Christina is happy, and one of them “would like to give a shoutout to my beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there.” We get it dude: You knocked her up. Congrats.
8:21 This is so awkward that Best Pop Vocal is being introduced by Selena Gomez. KB points out that what if Justin wins? Are they going to make-out? CBS is sure hoping so.
We’ll never know the beginning of what Gaga said because these censors are just being very loose with bleeping, but thank god Justin Bieber didn’t win.
I have a theory that smiling at all times in required in the Pinkett-Smith household. They are always beaming. Gaga says that when writing this track she “imagined whitney houston was singing this because I wasn’t brave enough.” I want a Whitney response, and ASAP.
CBS interrupts the show with fucking David Letterman doing one of his patented not funny Top 10 lists. This cross promotion is ridiculous.
The Avery Brothers come on, finally giving us something not remotely Top 40. They sing to us, “If youre loved by someone you’re never rejected.”
8:30 We finally get the promised Bob Dylan performance, which of course everyone hates because he doesn’t sounds like he used to, but can I point out that he’s never been the most consistent. He sings “Maggie’s Farm” in some lovely sneakers, with Mumford & Sons, which means that MC’s happy. I like his special harmonica mic. Neil Young stands up and claps at the end, while J. Lo looks bored and pissed. Stars: They never really surprise you.
Ad for the Wisconsin Dells tells us that “after you vacation in the Waterpark Capital of the world, you’ll never look at water the same way again.” I am actually dying to go.
8:43 Lady Antebellum performs “Need You Now” which is a very truthful song about being drunk late at night and missing someone, but that doesn’t make it good.
Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon are presenting Best Country Album together. Why not. Kings of Leon then win, and we see them freaking out backstage. It would have been cooler, if a lot meaner, to see them losing.
8:47 Cee-Lo, Gweneth Paltrow, and the Muppets? What could be better? Group consensus is that these are definitely Jim Henson lite, or the poorman’s Muppets, but a little research proves that they are indeed his work.
They just bleeped the puppets singing the N word. That’s a first.
Gweneth does a very convincing “Ooh I really hate your ass right now!” Her shoes are amazing. We get into an argument about how much choice celebrities have when picking out their clothes with a stylist. If The Rachel Zoe Project is anything to go off of, the stylists just do the heavy lifting.
Cee-Lo, who probs didn’t have a stylist for his outfit, looks like a “Cher abominable snowman” according to Jessie.
8:57 Katy Perry performs. One lone hand in the audience keeps reaching out to her, it’s beautiful.
The backdrop is images of KP’s wedding to Russell Brand. KB sceams “Yes!” Katy Perry tells us that “Teenage Dream” “goes out to all the Valentine lovers.” She mimes the line “one touch” scandalously. And then we see Nicole Kidman singing along!
KB asks: Kidman or Paltrow: who rehabbed their image better?
Jessie: Katy’s control is awful. Look how she’s not belting the high notes.
9:02 John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban performing “Jolene” in honor of Dolly Parton, who received a Lifetime Achievement award tonight. Awesome. John wisely says that he’s “going to stick to the script.” Here’s a not-horrible version of it:
And then that beautiful performance was followed by yet another win for “Need You Now.” Doesn’t anyone notice that this song is awful?
9:12 Kate: Is Eminem wearing a beeper?
KB: Probably because those were popularized the last time he was at the Grammys. Burn.
He said fuck and they didn’t catch it! Take that, censors. I wonder who will literally or figuratively pay for that.
Is that Evanescence with him? Christina says it’s this girl who was in another song with Fort Minor, that band started by that guy in Linkin Park. They’re singing a new song “I Need A Doctor”, and it’s with Dr. Dre. Oh I get it!
Jessie: Dre is Eminem’s Usher to Bieber.
9:21 Shock on the Biebz face when Esperanza Spalding won was crazy. The fact that no one in this category is a new artist seems to bother no one. Immediately after the win, it appears that crazed Bieber fans wreaked havoc to Spalding’s Wikipedia page, which is unfortunate, because she’s incredibly talented.
9:32 It’s time for the people who died this year. Fun as usual.
9:34 KB: Who is wearing a cape? Oh, Mick Jagger, duh.
Jessie: I want a count of how many times his name has been rhymed with Swagger. Off the top of my head it’s 2, but I bet it’s much more.
KB: He is wearing sneakers.
Kate: I wondered about the shoes; they look Nike.
9:45 Kris Kristofferson (who looks remarkably like Jeff Bridges, but maybe that’s because I watched The Big Lebowski today) introduces Barbara Streisand by saying “She’s sweetened our lives…like the music did our life.”
Kate: This is so boring.
Christina: Can we fast-forward please?
Jessie: It’s sad because I was like, wait, can we?
Please note that here have been like two awards.
9:50 Will.i.am introduces the award for Best Rap Album, but seems to not realize that “since the inception of this award” is pretty meaningless as it is only a few years old.
Eminem wins! And is unemotional as usual.
Finally! Beyonce! KB: Why you gotta playa hate. (Note: I have no idea why she said this. The growler was finished awhile before).
Apparently they are BFFLs, according to KB and some People magazine article quoting an anonymous and bullshit source she read like six months ago.
9:58 I like that the song choice that is played as “Puff Daddy” walks up is “I Need A Girl.” His teeth look weird. Debate is had over why he is introduced as Puff Daddy, and it is settled that that’s probably the name he won his Grammys in.
Rihanna and Drake perform in front of a timber pile. Rihanna brings out the Rude Boy dance, thank god. I really wish she and Drake would reconcile as more than just collaborators. I never realized that in “What’s My Name” the exact lyrics are “Say my name, say my name — wear it out.”
10:02 Jenny from the Block has to remind us that she’s married to Marc Anthony. They really make me appreciate couples who are rarely seen together.
“The song otherwise known as ‘Forget You'” is nominated. Someone had a field day with that one.
LADY ANTEBELLUM WINS AGAIN. They are shaking their heads in disbelief. Please shake your heads Lady Antebellum, we at home are as well. BOORRRRRINNGG.
The next episode of Criminal Minds is about a life coach that turns deadly. I may watch this.
10:11 Jason Segel is like “Why am I here introducing Arcade Fire? Oh wait I’m on How I Met Your Mother.
10:20 KB gets very upset about the Chrysler commercial because of their 90 spot during the Super Bowl that was paid for with taxpayer dollars that they have Chrysler has not paid back from the bailout thankyouverymuch.
Barbara and Kris Kristofferson, together at last!
What if Katy Perry won album of the year?! I wonder what Bob Dylan would think/say/emote?
Oh but we never have to worry because Arcade Fire wins for “The Suburbs”, a place that no one who listens to them ever wants to go back to.
That was perhaps the worst display of awards handed out I’ve seen in my young life. To make yourself feel better/worse about what crap it all is, read this Slate article that KB could not stop talking about as we whined about the injustice about it all about, well, the injustice of it all. And stay tuned for a short breakdown of artists that won awards and that we should be excited about.
Seriously, I have never watched them. But I think they’ve only been televised for a few years, so it is definitely not my fault and we can’t hold it against me. For some reason this year they started off with an excellent rap, but its unclear who is rapping and what about.
7:02 Someone just said shut up at the end of the intro/rap? The audience looks scared. I am confused.
7:06 Betty White is introducing one of the many actor awards. Take a little longer to open that envelope, Betty.
7:09 Mark Ruffalo is literally pulling Annette Bening along.
Jessie: Oh cool, cool award for cast!
I like Cory Monteith’s sexy-face pout and tie clip, which Jessie points out says to us “I dropped out of high school in 9th grade, can you tell?”
Award for “female actor.” Props. And even more props because it goes to Julianna Marguiles! She just kissed Josh Charles, which is a moment I WISH THEY WOULD REPEAT ON THE GOOD WIFE. KB: Look how hot her little husband is.
Julianna is so cutely emotional. She gives a big shoutout to the teamsters, and thanks the DP. Clearly, she understands what’s important: how she gets to work and the lighting. She also uses the term “pristine guidance” and says “I just want to say thank you to my inlaws. Thank you for producing the most spectacular human being.” Afterwards, camera cuts to Hilary Swank, who mouths “That was so sweet!” and we see Kenneth the Page still looking pleased as punch.
7:17 We now interrupt this broadcast for a few choice commercials.
Jessie: T-mobile: Catherine Zeta isn’t doing it for us anymore.
Honda tells us that “only sexy is sexy.”
TNT is pimping Rizzoli and Isles and Angie Harmon out. We’re getting constant updates from her Twitter feed.
Apparently she was the “social media host” of the 2011 SAG awards?
Sofia Vergara is onstage. Dexter just closed his eyes for awhile at her presence. I feel you. Boardwalk wins best ensemble drama. Blah blah blah.
Did they just say that The Good Wife takes place in NY?
Sofia Vergara just waved during their speech. This woman can’t be tamed.
Paz de la Huerta has now taken it upon herself to interrupt Steve Buscemi and say “Thank you Allen Lewis-h for believing in me…and everyone else.” She is the definition of HOT MESS.
7:24 Writers Guild shout out!
Eric Stonestreet looks nervous.
Man with the Allstate voice talks about actors who do broadcast advertising. This awards show seems more blatantly full of marketing than others, but maybe they’re just not as good as seamlessly weaving it in.
7:29 We just saw another cameraman. Sloppy.
Helena starts to clap for herself and then mouths, “Oh no!” If I was ambivalent before, I’m in love now. Melissa Leo nods to herself as her name is announced as a nominee. Christopher: Yea that’s me.
And it’s Melissa Leo! She’s running. She gets political with SAGs and unions, but it’s cool. I don’t know why I don’t like her…googling it doesn’t turn up anything either.
New badass lawyer drama, Franklin and Bash with 90s stars Breckin Meyer and Zach Morris. It’s not premiering, however, until the summer. TNT “We Know Drama” seems to realize this may be their only opportunity to have people here about this event five months from now.
7:41 Amy Poehler wins best introduction to an award: “And the Best Actor in this category according to some people as of tonight is…”
Christopher: I think HD is in a weird place right now, because before everyone’s acne was showing, but now it’s too washed out.
Jon Hamm makes a weird joke about being a woman but he says “And the funniest actress in this category accordding to Amy Poehler and the teamsters is Betty White.” B. White looks so shocked. Did the announcer just say that this was a “not subtle performance by Betty White”?
Betty “the badass” White says “You didnt applaud when I turned 40.” Stick it there. She then feels up the statue.
Jane Leeves is crying. Perhaps because Hot in Cleveland is not good.
Christopher: I don’t think Colin Firth should wear bowties because he already looks uptight.
7:49 Angie Harmon and LL Cool J are finally here to introduce another ensemble. Her dress is really not fitting with the tenor of this evening, it is noted.
And Modern Family wins, much to Christopher’s chagrin. Julie Bowen and Ed O’Neil make out, so let’s start a rumor that they’re sexting IRL. But more importantly: Phil just got a slap on the butt from his son! Good thing they’re playing those characters close to the vest.
During the “a lot of people died this year speech”, KB says “I must be getting my period because I’m about to cry again. I also just had three bowls of ice cream.”
Whatever KB, Sally Draper looks amazing.
This guy is winning a lifetime achievement award, and I have no idea who he is. Jessie: Is he actually good, or just still alive. Ernie? Curly?
He played a number of animated characters…including one in…All Dogs Go to Heaven 2. Apparently, they don’t make ’em like Ernest Borgnine.
KB comes back and says “I was hoping I would miss the speech, but I love his glasses.”
The lifetime achievement award is just the smiling drama mask, but wouldn’t it be funny if it was a sadface?
8:18 I thought Patrick Stewart was dead. Note: it is Pete Postlethwaite that is bald and who I was thinking of. It doesn’t even matter, because of course Al Pacino wins.
KB: It’s all The Social Network boys, this is the best thing ever!
Christopher: Rosario Dawson, stand up! Shoulders back!
And Claire Danes wins for Temple Grandin, which we were told at the Globes we would never have to hear about again, but here it is. KB says “She has a shelf of awards for this part”, and Christopher retorts that “That’s what happens when you play a retard.”
Claire points out that she has worked with all of the women nominated in this category, whether on Temple Grandin or “all my fellow Little Women, Winona, Susan.” Little Women shout out! What a weird coincidence, I’m still reeling. She tells some story about how awesome co-star and fellow nominee Catherine O’Hara calmed her, but O’Hara is mouthing something along the lines of “This story is false.”
8:35 Susan looks amazing. Duh. Once more, for the cheap seats in the back:
Her son looks just like Tim Robbins, who apparently almost ran Christopher’s Dad over in Boston.
And Christian Bale wins, and the real Dickey is in the building, on stage! Is he on crack? Time will tell. Bale (another Little Women alum! This is just getting spooky! Where is Amy? Oh wait, Kirsten Dunst sucks) tells us that “This is really the best, getting it from fellow actors.” Someone remarks that “Getting it from Mark Wahlberg ain’t bad.”
8:40 Christopher: What is up with this set? Is it really weird? It’s like a fairytale. Like Alice and Wonderland.
Jessie: Everytime I see him (Jeff Bridges) I crave a white russian. Seriously. I could have one now.
8:44 Natalie is wearing satin, which was a mistake, as I predicted, because it has wrinkled awkwardly under her baby bump.
Christopher: Hilary Swank is like “Why I am here? My movie was released like, straight-to-dvd.”
8:51 Jessie does a physical reenactment of why she hates George Lopez. The real thing is right here. The bad stuff starts at around 3 minutes, if you can’t stomach the entirety:
Jeff Bridges is turning into a father lion.
8:56 What is up with Donald Sutherland? Why is he here and why does he look like Santa Clause, you can’t even see his face. I will never forgive him for deciding to be in the worse TV show ever that was renewed by ABC Dirty Sexy Money. They chose that over Big Shots!
And the Cast of The King’s Speech wins, upset! There’s like three of them. Helena runs after Geoffrey Rush. He tell us that “it shouldnt be called the SAG award, it should be called uplifting award.” Oh Geoffrey. We also got a glance of his bald head, but I missed it. Helena looks on in awe. Because they’re British, they say, “colonial” family for Australians.
Jessie: Oh that’s it, and it’s over. Not quite yet though! In case you didn’t see it, perhaps the award for most uncomfortable interview should go to these two ladies: