6:23 pm: We’re in a rockin’ Best Western and and apparently Fox and the Emmys are taking steps to go green with a solar paneled red carpet?
Never mind. Alan Cumming asks why girls have to have all the fun? Good question.
Also my mom wants to know if her “lame comments” will be included. Yes.
6:28 pm: Fox is such a lowbrow affair, even with our good friend Nancy whatshername doing celeb interviews.
Vanessa Marano aka Bey from Switched at Birth is maybe more charming in real life? She just made an ASL sex joke.
6:35 pm: Who IS this dude with the announcer voice? He seems both pleased and out of place. But he’s better than British lady and her Justin Theroux-esque sidekick.
7:41 pm: I’m excited I just got to see the first trailer for Dolphin Tale. I actually wondered if that movie was real.
For some reason it’s this season that I’m most reminded that Fox is reaping the rewards of the Emmys with all this advertising for fall tv.
Sophia Vergara is Columbian, did you know?
Rob Lowe and family are klinging to each other for dear life.
7:44 pm: Nancy and Kate Winslet rocking the red. Remember when the British tabloids stalked her for being fat?
Mark! His name is Mark, and he’s fumbling over Timothy Olphant and his sexy factor. Olphant is going lightly grey it’s a good look. They’re giving Mark little screen time, and with good notice – he’s terrible.
7:50 pm: Greg Kinnear here, reminding us that The Kennedy’s got nominated for things.
Laura Linneay kind of looks like she actually has cancer. Face/hair good, rest is just a long black shirt.
LL Cool J wearing an “applejack hat.” Now we know what these are called. His favorite show is about gator hunting.
Oh dear god! I love Melissa McCarthy’s color, but the patchwork seams are terrible. She’s really just been nominated for Bridesmaids for Mike and Molly, we all know.
8:05 pm: This intro is actually something. I wish all of tv lived in the same building.I do not wish that every award show would keep doing this retro intro thing is the thing these days.
Mom: What is Jane Lynch wearing? She looks terrible.
I wish I was at finger pistols with Jon Hamm.
They’re taking this a cappella thing FAR. How did they get these stars to agree to this?
8:12 pm:Happy Endings was nominated?! Mom: No, this must be a montage of everything. Nice editing though.
The Jimmys need to step near the mic.
8:16 pm:Julie Bowen wins for Modern Family. Mom says “The boob thing is really bad. She should have worn a turtleneck.
Julianna Marguiles saves the day with a joke about how she’s the funniest person on tv. She is! Ty Burrell aka Phil wins! The onscreen married couple won omg so cute. He wrote this speech ahead of time, but it was so good and well done.
8:29 pm: So Modern Family is just going to keep rocking hmm. But this director is sexy. Christopher texts me: wtf.
“But most of all, I want to thank my modern family.”
Zooey Deschanel looks like a prom queen gone ary.
The next guy that wins for Modern Family‘s wife just gave the camera the best look! She did it again!
Is no one getting music-ed off? Mom starts doing the Jeopardy theme song.
8:43 pm: Kate: Charlie Sheen is wearing a wig, methinks. Mom says, “Charlie Sheen’s personality looks likes a wig.”
All the ladies getting together on stage. Sisters are doing it for themselves!
Melissa McCarthy thanks a man by saying “you’re like a handsome cheerleader in a suit.”
8:57 pm: Why is Kim K here? Reality tv isn’t just reality?
Let it be known I am not drunk, my cup just ran away from myself. OK MOM?!
9:02 pm: Kaley Cuoco looks so classy.
Why does The Amazing Race always win? No one watches…
9:07 pm: It’s the lots o’ male writers portion of the program.
This Dior commercial with a fake Monroe and Charlize Theron is weirdng me out.
Mom is more upset by the one with Samantha from SATC wearing a muumuu even though she “can’t believe it’s not butter.”
9:14 pm: Mom is groaning at Michael Bolton. But she thinks suits Lonely Island are wearing make it alright.
Kristen Wiig’s boobs are out to play, but they should go home.
Anna Pacquin looks great. Scott Caan is still short.
9:28 pm:Friday Night Lights better win.
It did! Touchdown! Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose!
9:33 pm: What an amazing selection of dramatic women. And why is Archie Panjabi sitting next to House?
Elmore Leonard’s show lady wins. “I love you Gram, even though you killed me.” Her husband is trying not to cry on national tv.
Is Velveeta trying to be Old Spice?
9:43 pm: Just because Martin Scorsese is Martin Scorsese doesn’t mean he’s funny.
However Kelly McDonald has a nice dress on.
I guess he’s a good actor, but I refuse to be into Game of Thrones.
9:53 pm: Anderson Cooper’s fake jersey expose is great.
This category was really like sophie’s choice. But win for Juliana.
9:59 pm:Kyle Chandler = best husband ever.
10:10 pm: Oh the Brits. Downton Abbey wins, KB enjoys.
Of course Maggie Smith isn’t here.
10:18 pm: The shoutouts to the accountants is such a flashback to another age. The Kennedy’s better hold that win close to the chest. Mildred Pierce is not feeling good. You can’t win against The Brits.
We’ve hit the “in memoriam” portion of the program. Are these sing off rejects? The dry ice is a nice touch. Mom: also why is this one guy wearing a leather jacket? Didn’t someone tell him to get with the program.
10:33 pm: Canadian Tenors. Let’s plug them, because no one knows who them were.
That’s Guy Pearce’s wife? Remind me what she’s been in.
Mom: Woah he’s a hunk.
Are Gwyneth and Claire Danes in a fight? The camera keeps cutting between them.
Kate Winslet seems to be more confident on the red carpet than now.
Mom: can we just talk about how her cleavage is so much nicer than that first woman’s?
Gloria Vanderbilt looks like she’s been embalmed. Note: she’s 87.
10:49 pm: Mom: I feel like I’ve watched all these shows myself now.
Also this tire commercial- I’m over it.
Mom on The X Factor: sometimes I feel like I’m not part of America. Modern Family wins again. It’s just so safe, ya know?
Why weren’t we watching the NBC Red Carpet? It’s Carson Daly and Alexa Chung and some woman who looks like Lori Loughlin. Now the world, or this room full of people, will never know how much she’s actually like Lori Loughlin. Did she too star as the hot mom in a few choice CW series?
7:00 Of course Angelina and Brad are the first ones we see. They will remain in this half-hugging position for the whole night.
Ricky G. tells us that “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Here’s hoping Ricky. He starts talking about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist and what a bad movie it was (pan to Johnny Depp, looking amused) and Burlesque, of course (“Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975”). Moving on to other films not nominated, such as the SATC 2 poster airbrushing — “Girls, we know how old you are” — the censors do their job and bleep Christ’s sake, and we get a few John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay scientologist jokes. All in all, not reinventing the wheel, but everyone seems super uncomfortable, so win!
7:02The Walking Dead is nominated. Shot of Steve Buscemi. Someone back there has a sense of humor.
7:05 And it’s time for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Duh, it’s Christian Bale, which means KB was the loser. Guys, money never ever sleeps.
KB screams “Geoffrey Rush is wearing a chapeau!” He is apparently bald underneath for a film.
Christian Bale makes some long weird comment about Deniro that the censors cut. We’ll never know…
7:09 LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are presenting together. Why, Bowen, why?
First upset of the night: Katey Sagal wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama. Loved her on 8 Simple Rules, but here she looks like Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey.
She says to her husband, the creator of Sons of Anarchy: “Sweetheart, I love you. I’m so glad you’re the boss of me.” Woah. They cut her off faster than they cut of Christian Bale. KB notes that that’s because they’re scared for their lives when it comes to Christian. No one has won this round.
Kenneth the page!
7:16 We’re introduced to this years Golden Globe Girl, aka, the lesser Golden Girl(s). Carlos wins Best Foreign Language Film or whatever. Second upset! And we get to see Kenneth the page again, making that same manic face everytime.
KB: You know its a night of upsets when everyone is coming from the mezzanine.
7:21 Garrett Hedlund, my future husband.
Scott Caan. Jessie gets mad at Kate for not remembering that he was in Oceans 11. Whatever, apparently he has a super hairy chest.
Kenneth the page sighting number 3. Chris Colfer wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee. He looks so genuinely shocked, and the cast is so excited for him (Lea Michele maybe is a good actress, methinks). He says, “I think I just droped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if you could give it back to me….” Blake has won this round.
7:30 Michelle Pfeiffer is the most beautiful woman alive, except “her armpits go up to Toledo” says Jessie. I don’t know what that means. She will spend the rest of the show looking pissed though, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Ricky G. makes a joke about the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, who counters, “Ricky, next time you want me to help qualify your movies, go to another guy.”
7:33 Kevin Bacon is going to be in X-Men? Steve Buscemi wins, and Boardwalk Empire wins, which mean Kate wins! Did you know my friend Talia used to shred his fan mail for him as an afterschool job? He says, “First of all, I have thank table 114. You guys are a lot of fun.” Apparently he has a relative named Tutti? Maybe he is in the mob.
7:39 Brad and Angie with the bow tie. They’re just like real people, these wax figurines.
7:45 Jesse Eisenberg has a soul patch. Dude stop it.
7:47Burlesque wins for best song, that awful number where Cher just yells that you “Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me.” A Liza Minelli wannabe accepts, though I do love it when non-famous people win. Both Blake and Christopher get this round.
7:50Best Score goes to The Social Network aka Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Jessie and Kate win this round duh. But it’s hilarious to see him in a suit.
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical goes to Glee, which is pretty ridic. Ari says, “They’re going to cry over everything. They’re going to cry over tonal shifts in their episodes.”
7:55 Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hailee Steinfeld and the J. Biebz. Jessie: This is why puberty is awkward, she’s two years younger than him, and like a foot taller.
Ari: I dont know how to feel about kids introducing animated features. AGEISM.
Jessie says, “Maybe Toy Story 3won’t win”, right as it does. Everybody gets this round. The dude who runs up to accept looks like Ed Helms, and he remarks, “Wow, were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?” Touché, good sir.
This is incredibly unfair. Because he’s not like, super famous, they are legit just cutting to famous people looking bored as he talks.
7:59 Look at Robert Downey Jr. swagger. Maybe it’s because he’s married to to Susan Lucci, right Jessie? He tells a very extensive joke about the women who are nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, and how he’s connected to all of them. Gets awk, but I dig.
Someone notes that Al Pacino and Michael Douglas are slowly becoming the same person. That’s right: OLD WHITE MEN.
And Annette Bening wins! Which means KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily get points. Annette thanks “Mark Ruffalo, our awesome sperm donor, and “MY HUSBAND, WARREN BEATTY!” That’s right, stake your claim girlfriend.
8:11 It’s Tilda and Geoffrey Rush. What a dynamic duo.
Going back to Al Pacino, Ari wonders if it’s weird she always confuses him with Bob Dylan. Kate says no, they both look homeless.
8:16 And Claire Danes wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television, duh. She tells us, “I have to rattle these names off because everyone was so vitalllll,” emphasis on the vital. Slow camera pan in on J.Lo Hew, who is trying not to cry. As Kate was the only one to vote in this category, she wins by default and also brilliance.
8:23 Zac Efron looks like a boy band member. Ari and KB think his tie is too shiny, but Kate likes it.
8:25 Kenneth the page. If you’re trying to make this a drinking game, that’s the fourth sighting.
Steve Carell comes out with Tina Fey, and tells us “Don’t turn the channel! We’re still stars.” Yessir. Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Screenplay – Motion Picture, which means KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca and Kate win. Where is JT?!
KB: Aaron, tell us who was better: Kristin Chenoweth or Maureen Dowd?
8:29Jane Lynch wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee, with the group conclusion being that she’s better in other stuff, but we all like her. She says, “My cup runneth over”, but “I am nothing if not falsely humble.” I love a good prepared speech that seems natural and doesn’t require a piece of paper. She also thanks her family in Chicago, and we’re pretty sure she’s talking about us. On that note, Blake and Christopher have got this round.
8:35 Woman from Denmark wins something foreign. Kate says “Denmark. Is she Denmarkein?” It’s clarified that she’s in fact Danish.
8:38 Helen Mirren introduces Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical by explaining that these women are always “gorgeous, smart, beautiful.” Really? Do we need to superlatives about how attractive they are? ‘Cmon Helen. She also uses some weird terminology comparing this process to the lifecycle — inseminated, gestated, given birth — that gives us all a bit of a uncomfortable feeling. Laura Linney wins for The Big C but couldn’t be bothered to show. (UPDATE: I’m a bitch. Her dad died recently.) Kate goes deaf as KB squeals in her ear. Jessie says that the show is, “about her living her life, like a free bitch.”
8:46 Jane Fonda aka my mother’s celebrity doppleganger hasn’t been at the Globes for 25 years. Guys, that’s embarrassing that you just admitted to losing her invite every year for that long.
Much debate occurs over whether you can see the top of her right nipple. It’s inconclusive. If you have picture evidence, holler at me.
Kaley Cuoco is so genuine about Jim Parsons winning for The Big Bang Theory. Watch this scene if you need convincing he’s worth the time. KB, Blake, Christopher and Kate win this round.
Kate: Hugh Laurie is bald. Accept it and move on.
8:50 Jeremy Irons. Jessie: Mufasaaaa! Melissa Leo wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. She says, “All that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!” Cut to Mark Wahlberg drinking away. It must be sad that you’re surrounded by all this talent and know you won’t get a win boy. Melissa thanks someone for “those few hours we spent in the maritime hotel”, and then realizes what she has just said and clarifies, “No no no you dont know what kind of girl I am!” What kind of girl would that be, Melissa. She makes sure to say, “Mark Wahlberg, you are a prince.” Jessie: He does not like her.
8:59 Cecil B. Demille award and Robert Deniro makes a weird speech. In the introduction by Matt Damon, he tries to act out some of his best scenes. What is this, an audition? Temple Grandin is really bored, and Eva Longoria is sitting next to her? KB tries to start a rumor that something’s going on with those two.
Angelina is looking through Brad to find the waiter. “Bring me more Moet bitch!”
9:07 Deniro was bleeped. We don’t know what he said. but he was workin’ blue, according to Ari.
Ad for Abilify the anti-depressant. Ari says: Is that like Unobtainium?
9:12 Oreo commercial, entitled ‘Lick or be licked.” Kate starts down a dark path with this catchphrase.
Ari: Oreoes dont need to be advertised. The people that are going to buy them are going to buy them. If you see them you won’t suddenly like them. Discuss.
Kate: They totally picked Megan Fox to talk about The Tourist because she’s the poor man’s Angelina.
9:16David Fincher wins Best Director, which means Blake, Christopher, Francesca and Kate are the champions. Is his speech 4 pages long, or is he blind?
9:18 Christopher: Modern Family is for homophobes.
HUGE outcry in the room.
9:24 Why is Alicia Keys here? Yes, she is a singer, to those in the room who seemed confused. Paul Giamatti looks like he’s on coke or something, but its just Godiva chocolate? He won in the category that no one good was nominated in, Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, but Emily wins. They keep bleeping him out. For some reason he says, “Montreal, I dream about it. I salute the great nation of Canada.” That’s probably the first time it’s ever been saluted, so job well done.
As we cut to commercial break, we get a shot of Emma Stone and Mila Kunis who seem very happy to be there, jumping together.
9:28 Commercial for L’Oreal: ‘Imagine if you could grow young.” It’s “inspired by gene science.” This is followed by a commercial for Exboards, which are whiteboards. What has the world come to.
9:32 Joseph Gordon Levitt has a weird button on, and is talking like a weirdo. It’s cool though, he was in 3rd Rock from the Sun.
Jeff Bridges tells us that Natalie Portman has won Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama. We get some shots of him being positioned appropriately on the stage by Miss Golden Girls.
Natalie, you should stick to acting. She tells us, Thank you to Benjamin for helping me bring another life into this world” and “he’s the best actor, he totally wants to sleep with me!” She also thanks Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis. Dear god. She does have a fabulous back, and Darren Aronofsky only has a horrible pedostache.
KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily win, but could have predicted such a horrendous speech?
KB: The Golden Globes is a 50/50 British/American. (Note: This was def the Sunny D and Andre talking. In no way do the awards shake out this way.)
9:54 Michael Douglas gets onstage. Everyone stands, which means KB was right about that. She starts violently hitting Kate while Michael tiredly says, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.” The Social Network wins for Best Picture — Drama.
Why is Kevin Spacey hugging Aaron Sorkin? Ari: Because he thinks that its the year 2000 and he won for American Beauty. Chris smiles slyly. Why are the fake Winklevoss’ up there and fucking Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield can’t stop being emo and get up there. David Fincher blames their “left brain combination.”
Ricky G. tells us it’s all over, and “Thank you to god, for making me an atheist.” Sure thing bro.
Blake, our dark horse from out West, wins with a resounding 15 correct answers! Christopher comes in a respectable 10, and Kate, our ever-fearless blogger, comes in with 9. Everyone else ties at 8
What should Blake’s prize be? The opportunity to take over Smart Girls for the day? A nice bottle of Moet (or Andre?) You decide!
And thank you to Gawker for finding this clip. Now I can watch over and over and over again.