Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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Kate Is Too Busy Being Highbrow At The Theater So It’s Emma’s Turn To (Un)Liveblog The Emmys

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In case you don’t know who I am (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN), I am the editor of this blog’s smarter and stupider younger sister. This is my first unlive blog experience.

(Confession: I was busy with my last meal at home before I returned to school and was aghast to find the DVR acting up, so witty commentary for the first 15 minutes is absent. But let’s be real, what did I really miss.)

Note: I apologize for the excessive caps lock. I don’t know how else to express my excitement.

LET’S BEGIN.

8:15 pm LOUIS C.K!!!!!! I can’t decide whether Louis pretends to be sadder than he is…I want to pretend he’s really enjoying life and living it to the fullest in wake of his divorce, but I’m not totally convinced.

8:20 pm Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara are both nominated. Julie Bowen wins and Sofia tries her best to look supportive…but we all know the real story.

“That’s my Sofia, god bless you.” Maybe the feud is no more? I really can’t keep up.

We all know Julie Bowen is crazy but GOOD GOD HER ARMS. And she has officially said “nipple covers” too much in this speech.

8:30 pm Miss Chanandler Bong is presenting for Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy…He has a new show that’s Community-esque and is pretty funny. Plus it looks like he’s been back on the wagon for awhile (though the picture below is not the best highlighter of that) so four for you, Matthew Perry.

8:32 pm Jimmy Fallon and Kathy Bates presenting for Comedy Direction. Realtalk, Lena Dunham is grating on my nerves lately and I really don’t want to get on the Girls hate train so I think I’ll just stop following her on Twitter and pretend I’m still in awe.

BlahBlah from Modern Family wins Best Direction, to no one’s surprise. More like Middle-Aged White Male Director of Accessible Middle Brow Comedy Series, AMIRIGHT?

8:35 pm Modern Family spot pretending the newest Lily actress, Aubrey, is a sadistic four-year old is actually pretty funny. ESPECIALLY CAUSE KEN JEONG MAKES AN APPEARANCE and that’s just gold.

8:37 pm Man, everyone really seems to be laying on the bronzer lately. I.E. Jimmy Fallon and everyone else who shouldn’t be wearing bronzer.

8:37 pm Mindy Kaling and Melissa McCarthy, both funny women, are talking about funny men! P.S. Just got a glimpse of Mayim  Bialik behind Jim Parsons and DAMN, “aspiring modern orthodox” cleans up good.

I would be happy with any of these nominees winning. Except  Jon Cryer….DAMNIT. WHY. Two and a Half Men is the least funny show on television, as 99% of the population knows.

Jon Cryer is either in real-shock or fake-shock. Either way, it’s 1/3 endearing, 2/3 wildly irritating. Also, just thanked his wife.

According to the Emmy announcer, you can tweet at the winners on Twitter with #EmmyCongrats. Because the big shiny trophy and applause of thousands of people really isn’t enough for these folks.

8:44 pm Colbert time, presenting for Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. “We should not be having a war on women…we should be celebrating women.” Sincerity 4DaWin! Amy Poehler looks beautiful and I DON’T KNOW WHO I WANT TO WIN.

Julia Louis Dreyfus!!! Veep is incredible, I don’t care what anyone says, so four for you, Julia.

Julia starts to read a speech written by Amy Poehler…SHE AND AMY PROCEED TO SWITCH SPEECHES. Comedic gold, dead serious. Second year that Amy Poehler has been at the forefront of an Emmy gag, and here’s hoping it continues.

8:49 pm 2012  “YEAR IN REALITY” MONTAGE. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, EVERYBODY.

8:50 pm The Beek is presenting with Damon Waynes, Jr. The latter being the high point of ABC comedy series, Happy Endings.

The Amazing Race wins for Outstanding Reality Series. I’ll be real with you, the only episode I’ve seen of this show has been the one where a woman slingshots a watermelon into her own head accidentally, so I figure I hit it at it’s highest point. (P.S. The comments of that last linked video include the likes of “thats the second biggest load she took to the face…” People just continue to keep it classy.)

8:57 pm The Big Bang Theory spot makes me sad. Remember when this show used to be funny? Sheldon is in a CPA Fan Club, apparently.

Did those accountants seriously come on, wave, and walk-off?

9:00 Did the Emmys always have so many awards for reality tv?

9:01 pm 2012 Year in Drama montage! That’s what I’m talking about. Incessant reminders that I need to watch Downton Abbey and The Walking Dead, that The Good Wife, Mad Men and Breaking Bad continue to be incredible, and that Once Upon A Time is still be wildly disappointing.

Of Grey’s Anatomy: Mom: I can’t believe this show is on the air.

I had to use serious earpluggage for the Breaking Bad Sequence, because I’m only at Season 3!

9:04 pm Claire Danes looking stunning.

Mom: That’s an unfortunate dress (I guess we don’t always jam.)

Aaron Paul wins for Best Supporting Actor. If you’re not watching Breaking Bad, you’re doing something wrong. And if you don’t follow him on twitter, you’re making an even more egregious mistake.

And he’s crying. The rest of this liveblog might be me reacting to Aaron Paul reacting because he is my new Ryan Gosling. Actually maybe not because UGH he’s engaged and his fiance is gorgeous and I am irritated.

@gracehelbig Breaking Bad more like Breaking DECENT ENOUGH TO WIN EMMYS amiright?! #emmys

Love me some Daily Grace

9:12 pm distracted because Mom is talking about the Space Shuttle flyover that happened two days ago.

Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Kimmel are doing a bit. Eh.

9:14 pmConnie Britton and Hayden Pannewaytolazytolookupthespelling presenting.

Ted: Connie Britton is hot.

Mom: Which one is Connie Britton

Ted: The tall one [or the old one, but okay…]

Writers for Homeland win, so I guess I really should be watching this show.

Ted: DON’T PLAY THEM OFF. Let them talk for two fucking minutes!

9:17 pm Maggie Smith couldn’t be at the Emmys because she’s fucking Maggie Smith who owned the Battle of Hogwarts while kicking cancer’s ass and probably has some sort of endangered forest to save or diseased animal to nurse back to health.

9:26 pm Jimmy Kimmel has put together a faux-In Memorium montage for himself. I’m on the fence.

9:27 pm Julianna Marguelies WHAT ARE YOU WEARING.

 

Mom: I like it.

Damien Lewis lives for Best Actor in a Drama Series for Homeland. OKAY I GET IT I’LL WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW. Just called himself a “pesky Brit.”

“My two children at home thought Daddy had  been nominated for an Emma.” THAT’S RIGHT.

9:36 pm All in agreement that Tina Fey looks wonderful.

Will this be the year Julianna wins? I think I can vouch for Kate and say we both hope.

Elizabeth Moss counts as Lead Actress in Mad Men?

Okay Clare Danes wins and I’m sure it’s well-deserved but ugh Juliannnnaaaaa.

Clare agrees with Ted that the writers were cut off far too soon.

Mom: You’re boring!

Okay Clare Danes is pregnant so I guess we can excuse her babbling a bit? We’ll call it Natalie Portman syndrome?

9:42 pm The world stops when Aziz Ansari puts on a British Accent. “Bloody brilliant…fish and chips…cheers.”

When was the last time Neil Patrick Harris didn’t host the Tonys?

3 for 3 for Louis C.K!

9:49 pm Is it just me or does Once Upon a Time have like the WORST special effects?

Ted: I don’t get this whole fucking vampire thing. [Editor’s Note: Agreed.]

9:50 I get nervous every time Ricky Gervais is on stage. “They’ve flown me out for  a big one…Outstanding Direction for a Variety Special.”

Rando in the Emmy Direction Booth wins, and his speech is a little too meta for me.

9:55 Colbert nominated, as usual.

Me: Is he ever going to win?

Ted: Tonight. He wins tonight.

NOPE. Jon Stewart again. He, Colbert and Fallon wrestling to the stage. Incredible.

“Years from now, when the earth is a burning husk, aliens will find a box of these and realize just how predictable these fucking things are.” Moment of the night.

10:00 pm Jimmy Kimmel’s mom can’t move her face, it seems.

10:03 pm I really do need to watch miniseries’.

83% of the reason I don’t watch Boardwalk Empire is because Steve Buscemi gives me the heebie-jeebies for reasons unbeknownst to me. [Editor’s Note: It’s his face.]

10:08 pm Guys, In Memorium is coming up! Get out ‘dem kleenex.

In other news, Internet Explorer is trying so hard to be relevant again.

10:12 pm Is there anyone who doesn’t like Ellen DeGeneres? She’s the kind of person that can do unfunny things and make them hilarious. She’s also not wearing pants tonight.

10:14 pm Kerri Washington’s head is a little too big for her body. I can say that because my head is a little too big for my body and therefore I am an authority.

10:21 pm I know it’s tacky but I can’t help ranking the saddest deaths in the In Memorium. Tony Scott may just kill me (err….for lack of a better word) more than Steve Jobs…

@BrianJMoylan Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Amanda Bynes crashed her car into the stage at the Emmys during the In Memoriam

Also, ABC promos reminded me that in case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, this is your PSA that Castle and Beckett did the dirty.

10:27 pm Either the show is getting less-funny as the night progresses, or I am losing steam.

HEYYYOOOOO Doyle from Gilmore Girls wrote Game Change! Learn something new every day.

Unsurprisingly, Julianne Moore wins for Game Change. Won’t lie and pretend I’m cultured and saw it, but I’m guessing it was well-deserved. I mention that I saw her on the street once. Mom mentions she sat next to her at a lunch. COOL MOM guess you win, as usual.

10:31 pm@JuddApatow I am sure we will win best comedy series. Bank on it. @girlsHBO#HBO  [difficulty discerning tone]

10:35 pm Commercial break and we’re talking about recent rapes in NYC parks. Uplifting! But for real, educate yourself folks.

10:38 pm I really want to love Ginnifer Goodwin. Like I really, really, really do….

10:40 pm Kevin Costner gives a rambly speech.

Ted: WHERE’S THE MUSIC WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Touché.

10:45 pm How many awards for the Miniseries category can there be? The answer is at least 12 because Game Change won that many.

10:48 pm Homeland is the new Mad Men and wins for best Drama. Begin the 9,000 year sweep.

10:51 pm Is anyone more excited for This is 40 than me? Is anyone more obsessed with Maude Apatow’s twitter feed?

10:52 pm Jimmy Kimmel introduces Michael J. Fox as “everyone’s least favorite person.” Standing ovation. Work it.

10:56 pm Modern Family wins for best Comedy Series again. Fuck it, I’m out.

“Who’s That?!”: Emmy Fashion 2010

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Featuring Kate and KB, with occasional comments by Kate’s Mom
Kate: Before any of this starts, might I just note that on E!, this rando interviewer who is apparently named Kristin just interrupted a discussion about The Office to tell us that she’s pregnant. She’s freaking out because she just like, spilled the beans, (though clearly on purpose, so I don’t know if that phrase is even applicable here) but basically she was overtly concerned we’d think she was fat. Her Nicole Richie look-alike sidekick is freaking out. When did these people get the idea that we care about them?! Oh, perhaps when Giuliana Rancic got her own TV show because she’s married to this dude who was on the apprentice. Giuliana, not only are you awful, but you are not famous, you simply stand next to people who are and let you breathe their air.
KB: Giuliana Rancic looks like Jennifer Aniston and Lara Flynn Boyle in their “lollipop” phases.

KB: Lea Michele — too too skinny! love her, but girl needs to eat a sandwich. also it looks like she dyed a flamenco dancer’s dress navy.
Kate: She knows her colors, not her fishtail. I too cannot wait for the Britney Spears Glee episode to air. I wonder if there will be special moments with Britney/Heather Morris and Britney/Spears? That would be basically the best.

KB: Claire Danes – SPARKLES. LOVE.
Kate: I knew it.

KB: Maybe someone should send Kelly Osbourne to the Med Bakery for sandwiches with Lea Michele. On the plus side I like her dress.
Kate: Kelly Osbourne is doing E! fashion? Has she sold her soul to the devil…even Ozzie, King of the Underworld, wouldn’t pull such a move. Maybe this is E!’s way of trying to be edgy and less stereotypically judgmental ala my bestie, Giuliana.

KB: Is January Jones‘ dress made out of coffee filters? Also mullet dresses are so bipolar to me – pick a fucking length. (Side note – she still looks gorgeous – that blue with her eyes is awesome).
Kate: DISAGREE. At least she took a risk. Versace as usual. I like her hair.

KB: Jayma Mays looks stunning. I love the dress. I love the color on her. I love the Brigitte Bardot hair. The gold jewelry is great. The clutch… well, black sequined clutch with a navy dress and gold accessories might not have been the best choice so let’s just pretend she’s holding someone else’s bag.

KB: I want to look like Kyra Sedgwick when I’m her age. Also I love that color. The dress too, but mostly the color. Side note – did I tell you about that time I heard her do a radio interview right before the massive DC storm and she was all stressed that her flight would be cancelled and her, Kevin and the kids wouldn’t make it on vacation and she was so charming and cute and mom-stressed about it? Okay, I’m done now.
Kate: Kyra Sedgwick is told by Giuliana Ransick that, “This is your best dress ever.” Agreed. Her hair looks awesome even though it shouldn’t. She’s also told that because she’s been with Kevin Bacon for 22 years that that’s equivalent to 112 years in Hollywood. True but it’s KEVIN BACON (if you haven’t been forced to hear the story, I once ate mango at his house and swam in his pool. FACT).

KB: Oh hi, Dianna Agron is wearing a costume from Gone with the Wind. She’s so pretty. It’s so sad. Maybe she’s making a play to scarlett o’hara in the remake. Like how Lea Michele sang to audition for funny girl at the Tony’s…
Kate: She’s super cute, and the tweeted picture of her sleeping on set that they showed during the red carpet is hilar. I feel like those kids are just worked to the bone and there may be a lawsuit in their future.

KB: Dear Susan Sarandon, you’re a bad ass. Love KB
Kate: Note — this photo is not of Susan Sarandon wearing Ray Bans on the red carpet. Please be advised that she did, indeed, wear Ray Bans on the red carpet.
KB: I don’t like Eva Amurri‘s new hair color.

KB: Damn Amy Poehler had that baby 3 WEEKS ago?!
Mom: (Stunned that she just had a baby like 3 weeks ago).

KB: HEATHER MORRIS ALSO WORE SPARKLES AND SHE LOOKS GORGEOUS. I LOVE SPARKLES. AND HEATHER MORRIS. YAY.
Kate: GLITTER. There’s a reason I was a disco stick for Halloween.

Mom: Kim Kardashian looks like a roman maiden.
Kate: Note that Mrs. K is lurkin’ in the background during the red carpet. Always.

Kate: Julia Louis-Dreyfus is aging like a fine wine. Though according to my mom, that’s just the botox and I’m giving her too much credit. Guiliana just said “Your body looks smoking in that.”
Mom: That’s so gay.

Images via Getty.

The Emmys: The Unlive Blog

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So it was live for me, but not so much for you, as my rambling really requires at least a little editing before publication…

(8:27) Jane Lynch says, 1) “Though not a Buddhist, they do seem like a very calm people”
2) “Thanks to my Lord and creator Ryan Murphy”
3) “And to my cast. You’re young and you’re wonderful and fresh faced, and when I’m not seething with jealousy I’m so proud of you.”

(8:37) How did they get George Clooney to do this?! i would love Modern Family even more if he was on it consistently. “I gotta get a film,” he acknowledges.

(8:39) Tony Shaloub — Monk. Monk is still on?

(8:46) Mom: Edie Falco seems pissed. Why is she pissed? She just won!
Kate: Maybe it’s all those years on The Sopranos; they’ve weathered her.

I want to know how you get a job as one of those on stage escorts. During the Oscars they’re always famous peoples progeny; here, they just look like upper-class vegas hostesses.

It’d be more fun to watch this if I didnt realize that it was a blatant push for the shows that are coming up. Did they always do this? Was I too young to notice the propoganda?

(8:51) Top Chef wins. Oh Padma go the fuck away. Ditto Gail. Why are you on this show. How did that happen.
Woah but they must put makeup on Padma’s scar during the show because it looks way worse now.

I actually stopped fast-forwarding the commercial so I could watch this preview for “The Farewell Season” of Oprah, which consists of shots of her screaming.

Mariska Hargitay looks good if a little hippy. She is Jayne Mansfield’s daughter I guess. Though I feel like she was always known more for her other assets…

I love it when people go up to accept and there are just randos trying to get a piece of the action by like, grabbing their arm as they run onstage. It looks like someone escaping a giant squid.

(9:04) Aaron Paul has actual drug dealer eyes. I think this role is not so much of a push.

Some guy apparently Tweeted “Nathan Fillion: This dude is straight off the meat rack yo.” AGREED. In a good way. If meat rack means “Hotness Rack.”

(9:12) OMG closeted lesbo from The Good Wife won! Others will remember that her real name is Archie Panjabi. She played the annoying sister in Bend It Like Beckham who was hilar. And Christine Baranski looks so happy for her.

Ann Margaret still has the sexiest voice. John Lithgow still does not.

Ricky Gervais in 4.5 minutes?! I like that they give me goals.

Federer’s Lindor chocolate ad is getting me excited for the U.S. Open.

I dont know who you are Andrew Sullivan, but you are not Billy with Oxyclean.

Old Navy: “Booty reader.” No.

Also, I tried to be healthy and buy froyo Cherry Garcia. Why is it so grainy? This was a mistake.

(9:45) Ricky Gervais is legit all about the delivery. “Mel Gibson. I’m not gonna have a go at him. He’s been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews.”

And then beer! He loves reminding people that it’s live. He always gets such a kick out of it. As do I.

My Mom is loving John Hodgeman’s voiceover.

(9:50) Bucky Gunts just thanked his friend/relative B.J. B.J. Gunts?! Too good to be true. Mom loves this guy because hes a dork like her. Also he won for the Olympics.

(9:52) Love how much this Daily Show dude doesn’t care that he thinks he’s the best.

Boardwalk Empire preview! So excited for Rudd. “When alcohol was outlawed, outlaws became kings!”

Who the hell is Nate Berkus? Apparently he has a new show and I’m being told he’s hot. I guess they’ve got me hooked because I just googled him. OH. He’s from Chicago and is Oprah’s go-to interior design man. Also just found out from googling that Martha Stewart and Bonnie Hunt have been cancelled, hence the need for new daytime.

Like this old man’s gray glasses.
Mom: So many gays.
(She’s sensing a theme today).

(9:59) George must be getting old to be eligible to win the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award.
1) Mom: Why is he winning the humanitarian award?
Kate: He does humanitarian work.
Mom: Oh right he does all this work in Africa! With Kristof!
2) Mom: Why is this woman presenting?
Kate: They used to be on ER together.
Mom: She’s got toned arms.

I still like January Jones’ dress.

I love it when people have to go up to accept their award and air-kiss random people. And when they forget who they were nominated with in their speech. They always remember everyone but like, one loser.

If I were on the Supreme Court I would totally watch this new show Outlaw with Jimmy Smits, which is all about how he quits the Supreme Court. Like, who does that?! It’s awesome how such a super serious career is being totally disrespected in the name of entertainment.

(10:14) KB will love Claire Danes’ outfit.
Update: KB did love Claire Danes’ outfit.

(10:14) I love how my Mom doesn’t know anyone until we get to the like, docu-dramas. And then she goes, “Oh David Straitharn, I always wondered how to spell his name.” That doesn’t mean she likes his speech. “BYE!”

Temple Grandin just stood and waved on her own accord I think. Baller. And she stands again. And they are really applauding for her.

(10:17) Jewel. ‘Cmon. Oh it’s for the dead people. And she wrote this song for her friend who died of cancer? “There’s a hole in my heart, but it’s in the shape of you.” God I hope not. And there’s too much glitter on her face.

(10:29) Claire Danes keeps squeaking. “THANK YOU HBO. LIKE, FOR SERIOUS.” I love her.
My mom is convinced she has a scar on her chest. I’m not. Yea Temple, you go girl, get up again.

I don’t think an Eames chair should be in a Friskies commercial. I think that’s like, design-sacreligious.

(10:34) Anna Pacquin needs to stop looking so weirdly at her husband. And giggling. And let go of him, please. We get it, you’re married.

I’m continuing to love how un-modest Temple is. She’s so into herself. As she should be.

(10:38) Al Pacino, maybe we’re laughing because of your ridic skin and hair color?

Is that Jack Kevorkian?!

Oooh Lawrence Fishburn. Your daughter does porn. And what you’re upset about is that she didn’t change her name. Except she has a great porn name, so I really don’t blame her. I mean, it’s not sexy, but what can you do.

(10:48) Wow Temple just cuts her off this acceptance speech with the longest hug. Way to take over the stage again.

(10:51) TOM SELLECK?! This is too good to be true. He is wearing a cream jacket. Wow. He looks like a cater waiter. But YEA MAD MEN. Obvi.

I’m just going to say it: Thank god 30 Rock didn’t win again.

Summary of the night: Clearly, Temple Grandin won the Emmys.

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