In case you don’t know who I am (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN), I am the editor of this blog’s smarter and stupider younger sister. This is my first unlive blog experience.
(Confession: I was busy with my last meal at home before I returned to school and was aghast to find the DVR acting up, so witty commentary for the first 15 minutes is absent. But let’s be real, what did I really miss.)
Note: I apologize for the excessive caps lock. I don’t know how else to express my excitement.
8:15 pm LOUIS C.K!!!!!! I can’t decide whether Louis pretends to be sadder than he is…I want to pretend he’s really enjoying life and living it to the fullest in wake of his divorce, but I’m not totally convinced.
8:20 pm Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara are both nominated. Julie Bowen wins and Sofia tries her best to look supportive…but we all know the real story.
“That’s my Sofia, god bless you.” Maybe the feud is no more? I really can’t keep up.
We all know Julie Bowen is crazy but GOOD GOD HER ARMS. And she has officially said “nipple covers” too much in this speech.
8:30 pm Miss Chanandler Bong is presenting for Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy…He has a new show that’s Community-esque and is pretty funny. Plus it looks like he’s been back on the wagon for awhile (though the picture below is not the best highlighter of that) so four for you, Matthew Perry.
8:32 pm Jimmy Fallon and Kathy Bates presenting for Comedy Direction. Realtalk, Lena Dunham is grating on my nerves lately and I really don’t want to get on the Girls hate train so I think I’ll just stop following her on Twitter and pretend I’m still in awe.
BlahBlah from Modern Family wins Best Direction, to no one’s surprise. More like Middle-Aged White Male Director of Accessible Middle Brow Comedy Series, AMIRIGHT?
8:35 pm Modern Family spot pretending the newest Lily actress, Aubrey, is a sadistic four-year old is actually pretty funny. ESPECIALLY CAUSE KEN JEONG MAKES AN APPEARANCE and that’s just gold.
8:37 pm Man, everyone really seems to be laying on the bronzer lately. I.E. Jimmy Fallon and everyone else who shouldn’t be wearing bronzer.
8:37 pm Mindy Kaling and Melissa McCarthy, both funny women, are talking about funny men! P.S. Just got a glimpse of Mayim Bialik behind Jim Parsons and DAMN, “aspiring modern orthodox” cleans up good.
I would be happy with any of these nominees winning. Except Jon Cryer….DAMNIT. WHY. Two and a Half Men is the least funny show on television, as 99% of the population knows.
Jon Cryer is either in real-shock or fake-shock. Either way, it’s 1/3 endearing, 2/3 wildly irritating. Also, just thanked his wife.
According to the Emmy announcer, you can tweet at the winners on Twitter with #EmmyCongrats. Because the big shiny trophy and applause of thousands of people really isn’t enough for these folks.
8:44 pm Colbert time, presenting for Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. “We should not be having a war on women…we should be celebrating women.” Sincerity 4DaWin! Amy Poehler looks beautiful and I DON’T KNOW WHO I WANT TO WIN.
Julia Louis Dreyfus!!! Veep is incredible, I don’t care what anyone says, so four for you, Julia.
Julia starts to read a speech written by Amy Poehler…SHE AND AMY PROCEED TO SWITCH SPEECHES. Comedic gold, dead serious. Second year that Amy Poehler has been at the forefront of an Emmy gag, and here’s hoping it continues.
8:49 pm 2012 “YEAR IN REALITY” MONTAGE. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, EVERYBODY.
8:50 pm The Beek is presenting with Damon Waynes, Jr. The latter being the high point of ABC comedy series, Happy Endings.
The Amazing Race wins for Outstanding Reality Series. I’ll be real with you, the only episode I’ve seen of this show has been the one where a woman slingshots a watermelon into her own head accidentally, so I figure I hit it at it’s highest point. (P.S. The comments of that last linked video include the likes of “thats the second biggest load she took to the face…” People just continue to keep it classy.)
8:57 pm The Big Bang Theory spot makes me sad. Remember when this show used to be funny? Sheldon is in a CPA Fan Club, apparently.
Did those accountants seriously come on, wave, and walk-off?
9:00 Did the Emmys always have so many awards for reality tv?
9:01 pm 2012 Year in Drama montage! That’s what I’m talking about. Incessant reminders that I need to watch Downton Abbey and The Walking Dead, that The Good Wife, Mad Men and Breaking Bad continue to be incredible, and that Once Upon A Time is still be wildly disappointing.
Of Grey’s Anatomy: Mom: I can’t believe this show is on the air.
I had to use serious earpluggage for the Breaking Bad Sequence, because I’m only at Season 3!
9:04 pm Claire Danes looking stunning.
Mom: That’s an unfortunate dress (I guess we don’t always jam.)
Aaron Paul wins for Best Supporting Actor. If you’re not watching Breaking Bad, you’re doing something wrong. And if you don’t follow him on twitter, you’re making an even more egregious mistake.
And he’s crying. The rest of this liveblog might be me reacting to Aaron Paul reacting because he is my new Ryan Gosling. Actually maybe not because UGH he’s engaged and his fiance is gorgeous and I am irritated.
Love me some Daily Grace
9:12 pm distracted because Mom is talking about the Space Shuttle flyover that happened two days ago.
Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Kimmel are doing a bit. Eh.
9:14 pmConnie Britton and Hayden Pannewaytolazytolookupthespelling presenting.
Ted: Connie Britton is hot.
Mom: Which one is Connie Britton
Ted: The tall one [or the old one, but okay…]
Writers for Homeland win, so I guess I really should be watching this show.
Ted: DON’T PLAY THEM OFF. Let them talk for two fucking minutes!
9:17 pm Maggie Smith couldn’t be at the Emmys because she’s fucking Maggie Smith who owned the Battle of Hogwarts while kicking cancer’s ass and probably has some sort of endangered forest to save or diseased animal to nurse back to health.
9:26 pm Jimmy Kimmel has put together a faux-In Memorium montage for himself. I’m on the fence.
9:27 pm Julianna Marguelies WHAT ARE YOU WEARING.
Mom: I like it.
Damien Lewis lives for Best Actor in a Drama Series for Homeland. OKAY I GET IT I’LL WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW. Just called himself a “pesky Brit.”
“My two children at home thought Daddy had been nominated for an Emma.” THAT’S RIGHT.
9:36 pm All in agreement that Tina Fey looks wonderful.
Will this be the year Julianna wins? I think I can vouch for Kate and say we both hope.
Elizabeth Moss counts as Lead Actress in Mad Men?
Okay Clare Danes wins and I’m sure it’s well-deserved but ugh Juliannnnaaaaa.
Clare agrees with Ted that the writers were cut off far too soon.
Mom: You’re boring!
Okay Clare Danes is pregnant so I guess we can excuse her babbling a bit? We’ll call it Natalie Portman syndrome?
9:42 pm The world stops when Aziz Ansari puts on a British Accent. “Bloody brilliant…fish and chips…cheers.”
When was the last time Neil Patrick Harris didn’t host the Tonys?
3 for 3 for Louis C.K!
9:49 pm Is it just me or does Once Upon a Time have like the WORST special effects?
Ted: I don’t get this whole fucking vampire thing. [Editor’s Note: Agreed.]
9:50 I get nervous every time Ricky Gervais is on stage. “They’ve flown me out for a big one…Outstanding Direction for a Variety Special.”
Rando in the Emmy Direction Booth wins, and his speech is a little too meta for me.
9:55 Colbert nominated, as usual.
Me: Is he ever going to win?
Ted: Tonight. He wins tonight.
NOPE. Jon Stewart again. He, Colbert and Fallon wrestling to the stage. Incredible.
“Years from now, when the earth is a burning husk, aliens will find a box of these and realize just how predictable these fucking things are.” Moment of the night.
10:00 pm Jimmy Kimmel’s mom can’t move her face, it seems.
10:03 pm I really do need to watch miniseries’.
83% of the reason I don’t watch Boardwalk Empire is because Steve Buscemi gives me the heebie-jeebies for reasons unbeknownst to me. [Editor’s Note: It’s his face.]
10:08 pm Guys, In Memorium is coming up! Get out ‘dem kleenex.
In other news, Internet Explorer is trying so hard to be relevant again.
10:12 pm Is there anyone who doesn’t like Ellen DeGeneres? She’s the kind of person that can do unfunny things and make them hilarious. She’s also not wearing pants tonight.
10:14 pm Kerri Washington’s head is a little too big for her body. I can say that because my head is a little too big for my body and therefore I am an authority.
10:21 pm I know it’s tacky but I can’t help ranking the saddest deaths in the In Memorium. Tony Scott may just kill me (err….for lack of a better word) more than Steve Jobs…
@BrianJMoylan Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Amanda Bynes crashed her car into the stage at the Emmys during the In Memoriam
Also, ABC promos reminded me that in case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, this is your PSA that Castle and Beckett did the dirty.
10:27 pm Either the show is getting less-funny as the night progresses, or I am losing steam.
HEYYYOOOOO Doyle from Gilmore Girls wrote Game Change! Learn something new every day.
Unsurprisingly, Julianne Moore wins for Game Change. Won’t lie and pretend I’m cultured and saw it, but I’m guessing it was well-deserved. I mention that I saw her on the street once. Mom mentions she sat next to her at a lunch. COOL MOM guess you win, as usual.
10:35 pm Commercial break and we’re talking about recent rapes in NYC parks. Uplifting! But for real, educate yourself folks.
10:38 pm I really want to love Ginnifer Goodwin. Like I really, really, really do….
10:40 pm Kevin Costner gives a rambly speech.
Ted: WHERE’S THE MUSIC WHEN YOU NEED IT?
10:45 pm How many awards for the Miniseries category can there be? The answer is at least 12 because Game Change won that many.
10:48 pm Homeland is the new Mad Men and wins for best Drama. Begin the 9,000 year sweep.
10:52 pm Jimmy Kimmel introduces Michael J. Fox as “everyone’s least favorite person.” Standing ovation. Work it.
10:56 pm Modern Family wins for best Comedy Series again. Fuck it, I’m out.