Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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Kate Is Too Busy Being Highbrow At The Theater So It’s Emma’s Turn To (Un)Liveblog The Emmys

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In case you don’t know who I am (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN), I am the editor of this blog’s smarter and stupider younger sister. This is my first unlive blog experience.

(Confession: I was busy with my last meal at home before I returned to school and was aghast to find the DVR acting up, so witty commentary for the first 15 minutes is absent. But let’s be real, what did I really miss.)

Note: I apologize for the excessive caps lock. I don’t know how else to express my excitement.

LET’S BEGIN.

8:15 pm LOUIS C.K!!!!!! I can’t decide whether Louis pretends to be sadder than he is…I want to pretend he’s really enjoying life and living it to the fullest in wake of his divorce, but I’m not totally convinced.

8:20 pm Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara are both nominated. Julie Bowen wins and Sofia tries her best to look supportive…but we all know the real story.

“That’s my Sofia, god bless you.” Maybe the feud is no more? I really can’t keep up.

We all know Julie Bowen is crazy but GOOD GOD HER ARMS. And she has officially said “nipple covers” too much in this speech.

8:30 pm Miss Chanandler Bong is presenting for Guest Actor/Actress in a Comedy…He has a new show that’s Community-esque and is pretty funny. Plus it looks like he’s been back on the wagon for awhile (though the picture below is not the best highlighter of that) so four for you, Matthew Perry.

8:32 pm Jimmy Fallon and Kathy Bates presenting for Comedy Direction. Realtalk, Lena Dunham is grating on my nerves lately and I really don’t want to get on the Girls hate train so I think I’ll just stop following her on Twitter and pretend I’m still in awe.

BlahBlah from Modern Family wins Best Direction, to no one’s surprise. More like Middle-Aged White Male Director of Accessible Middle Brow Comedy Series, AMIRIGHT?

8:35 pm Modern Family spot pretending the newest Lily actress, Aubrey, is a sadistic four-year old is actually pretty funny. ESPECIALLY CAUSE KEN JEONG MAKES AN APPEARANCE and that’s just gold.

8:37 pm Man, everyone really seems to be laying on the bronzer lately. I.E. Jimmy Fallon and everyone else who shouldn’t be wearing bronzer.

8:37 pm Mindy Kaling and Melissa McCarthy, both funny women, are talking about funny men! P.S. Just got a glimpse of Mayim  Bialik behind Jim Parsons and DAMN, “aspiring modern orthodox” cleans up good.

I would be happy with any of these nominees winning. Except  Jon Cryer….DAMNIT. WHY. Two and a Half Men is the least funny show on television, as 99% of the population knows.

Jon Cryer is either in real-shock or fake-shock. Either way, it’s 1/3 endearing, 2/3 wildly irritating. Also, just thanked his wife.

According to the Emmy announcer, you can tweet at the winners on Twitter with #EmmyCongrats. Because the big shiny trophy and applause of thousands of people really isn’t enough for these folks.

8:44 pm Colbert time, presenting for Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. “We should not be having a war on women…we should be celebrating women.” Sincerity 4DaWin! Amy Poehler looks beautiful and I DON’T KNOW WHO I WANT TO WIN.

Julia Louis Dreyfus!!! Veep is incredible, I don’t care what anyone says, so four for you, Julia.

Julia starts to read a speech written by Amy Poehler…SHE AND AMY PROCEED TO SWITCH SPEECHES. Comedic gold, dead serious. Second year that Amy Poehler has been at the forefront of an Emmy gag, and here’s hoping it continues.

8:49 pm 2012  “YEAR IN REALITY” MONTAGE. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, EVERYBODY.

8:50 pm The Beek is presenting with Damon Waynes, Jr. The latter being the high point of ABC comedy series, Happy Endings.

The Amazing Race wins for Outstanding Reality Series. I’ll be real with you, the only episode I’ve seen of this show has been the one where a woman slingshots a watermelon into her own head accidentally, so I figure I hit it at it’s highest point. (P.S. The comments of that last linked video include the likes of “thats the second biggest load she took to the face…” People just continue to keep it classy.)

8:57 pm The Big Bang Theory spot makes me sad. Remember when this show used to be funny? Sheldon is in a CPA Fan Club, apparently.

Did those accountants seriously come on, wave, and walk-off?

9:00 Did the Emmys always have so many awards for reality tv?

9:01 pm 2012 Year in Drama montage! That’s what I’m talking about. Incessant reminders that I need to watch Downton Abbey and The Walking Dead, that The Good Wife, Mad Men and Breaking Bad continue to be incredible, and that Once Upon A Time is still be wildly disappointing.

Of Grey’s Anatomy: Mom: I can’t believe this show is on the air.

I had to use serious earpluggage for the Breaking Bad Sequence, because I’m only at Season 3!

9:04 pm Claire Danes looking stunning.

Mom: That’s an unfortunate dress (I guess we don’t always jam.)

Aaron Paul wins for Best Supporting Actor. If you’re not watching Breaking Bad, you’re doing something wrong. And if you don’t follow him on twitter, you’re making an even more egregious mistake.

And he’s crying. The rest of this liveblog might be me reacting to Aaron Paul reacting because he is my new Ryan Gosling. Actually maybe not because UGH he’s engaged and his fiance is gorgeous and I am irritated.

@gracehelbig Breaking Bad more like Breaking DECENT ENOUGH TO WIN EMMYS amiright?! #emmys

Love me some Daily Grace

9:12 pm distracted because Mom is talking about the Space Shuttle flyover that happened two days ago.

Tracy Morgan and Jimmy Kimmel are doing a bit. Eh.

9:14 pmConnie Britton and Hayden Pannewaytolazytolookupthespelling presenting.

Ted: Connie Britton is hot.

Mom: Which one is Connie Britton

Ted: The tall one [or the old one, but okay…]

Writers for Homeland win, so I guess I really should be watching this show.

Ted: DON’T PLAY THEM OFF. Let them talk for two fucking minutes!

9:17 pm Maggie Smith couldn’t be at the Emmys because she’s fucking Maggie Smith who owned the Battle of Hogwarts while kicking cancer’s ass and probably has some sort of endangered forest to save or diseased animal to nurse back to health.

9:26 pm Jimmy Kimmel has put together a faux-In Memorium montage for himself. I’m on the fence.

9:27 pm Julianna Marguelies WHAT ARE YOU WEARING.

 

Mom: I like it.

Damien Lewis lives for Best Actor in a Drama Series for Homeland. OKAY I GET IT I’LL WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW. Just called himself a “pesky Brit.”

“My two children at home thought Daddy had  been nominated for an Emma.” THAT’S RIGHT.

9:36 pm All in agreement that Tina Fey looks wonderful.

Will this be the year Julianna wins? I think I can vouch for Kate and say we both hope.

Elizabeth Moss counts as Lead Actress in Mad Men?

Okay Clare Danes wins and I’m sure it’s well-deserved but ugh Juliannnnaaaaa.

Clare agrees with Ted that the writers were cut off far too soon.

Mom: You’re boring!

Okay Clare Danes is pregnant so I guess we can excuse her babbling a bit? We’ll call it Natalie Portman syndrome?

9:42 pm The world stops when Aziz Ansari puts on a British Accent. “Bloody brilliant…fish and chips…cheers.”

When was the last time Neil Patrick Harris didn’t host the Tonys?

3 for 3 for Louis C.K!

9:49 pm Is it just me or does Once Upon a Time have like the WORST special effects?

Ted: I don’t get this whole fucking vampire thing. [Editor’s Note: Agreed.]

9:50 I get nervous every time Ricky Gervais is on stage. “They’ve flown me out for  a big one…Outstanding Direction for a Variety Special.”

Rando in the Emmy Direction Booth wins, and his speech is a little too meta for me.

9:55 Colbert nominated, as usual.

Me: Is he ever going to win?

Ted: Tonight. He wins tonight.

NOPE. Jon Stewart again. He, Colbert and Fallon wrestling to the stage. Incredible.

“Years from now, when the earth is a burning husk, aliens will find a box of these and realize just how predictable these fucking things are.” Moment of the night.

10:00 pm Jimmy Kimmel’s mom can’t move her face, it seems.

10:03 pm I really do need to watch miniseries’.

83% of the reason I don’t watch Boardwalk Empire is because Steve Buscemi gives me the heebie-jeebies for reasons unbeknownst to me. [Editor’s Note: It’s his face.]

10:08 pm Guys, In Memorium is coming up! Get out ‘dem kleenex.

In other news, Internet Explorer is trying so hard to be relevant again.

10:12 pm Is there anyone who doesn’t like Ellen DeGeneres? She’s the kind of person that can do unfunny things and make them hilarious. She’s also not wearing pants tonight.

10:14 pm Kerri Washington’s head is a little too big for her body. I can say that because my head is a little too big for my body and therefore I am an authority.

10:21 pm I know it’s tacky but I can’t help ranking the saddest deaths in the In Memorium. Tony Scott may just kill me (err….for lack of a better word) more than Steve Jobs…

@BrianJMoylan Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Amanda Bynes crashed her car into the stage at the Emmys during the In Memoriam

Also, ABC promos reminded me that in case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, this is your PSA that Castle and Beckett did the dirty.

10:27 pm Either the show is getting less-funny as the night progresses, or I am losing steam.

HEYYYOOOOO Doyle from Gilmore Girls wrote Game Change! Learn something new every day.

Unsurprisingly, Julianne Moore wins for Game Change. Won’t lie and pretend I’m cultured and saw it, but I’m guessing it was well-deserved. I mention that I saw her on the street once. Mom mentions she sat next to her at a lunch. COOL MOM guess you win, as usual.

10:31 pm@JuddApatow I am sure we will win best comedy series. Bank on it. @girlsHBO#HBO  [difficulty discerning tone]

10:35 pm Commercial break and we’re talking about recent rapes in NYC parks. Uplifting! But for real, educate yourself folks.

10:38 pm I really want to love Ginnifer Goodwin. Like I really, really, really do….

10:40 pm Kevin Costner gives a rambly speech.

Ted: WHERE’S THE MUSIC WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Touché.

10:45 pm How many awards for the Miniseries category can there be? The answer is at least 12 because Game Change won that many.

10:48 pm Homeland is the new Mad Men and wins for best Drama. Begin the 9,000 year sweep.

10:51 pm Is anyone more excited for This is 40 than me? Is anyone more obsessed with Maude Apatow’s twitter feed?

10:52 pm Jimmy Kimmel introduces Michael J. Fox as “everyone’s least favorite person.” Standing ovation. Work it.

10:56 pm Modern Family wins for best Comedy Series again. Fuck it, I’m out.

The Irony Is Palpable

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[note: this post was written by Emma, as she takes issue with Kate’s blogging process…aka she is an impatient individual.]

Kate: I should watch Parks and Rec more often, but I never want to watch it alone. But when I do watch it, it makes me so happy — WHAT THE FUCK.

[note: The profanity was in reference to her less than stellar wifi crapping out on us.]

A Follow-Up: We Read Television’s Mind

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SCENE: STILL watching Parks and Recreation.

KATE: Why doesn’t he know what she’s doing?

(On the screen)

BEN WYATT: I know what you’re doing Leslie.

More Comments On Television

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SCENE: (Watching Parks and Recreation. Rashida Jones enters.)

KATE: Rashida Jones, go fly a kite.

(Next part to be read in a high squeaky voice)

EMMA: You really don’t like Rashida Jones? What is wrong with you? You like Rob Lowe but not Rashida Jones?

KATE: Coughing laughter (the meds are slowly working, don’t worry).

END SCENE

The real skinny: My theory about Rashida Jones is that she’s a really cool girl IRL and pretty attractive and has mad celeb connecks (purposely sic, let’s make “connecks” happen) and can apparently carry a tune and people just dig hanging around her, so they keep casting her in stuff, even though she isn’t that talented – not terrible, just not that talented – but she’s cool to kick it on set with.

The Kim K Show: Fairytales DO Come True

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Editors’ Note: There were men here for this one. They were pretty shocked with what they had to see.

7:03 pm Kim is wearing a see-thru tuxedo shirt. Do not discuss.

7:05 pm E! has decided to blur out a dog pooping.

Josh thinks Kris'(momager) office looks like Lex Luther’s.

7:09 pm Kris (momager) has a totally different face .
Josh: Re: Bruce “That dude looks like if Dave Coulier was a lesbian. And is Kim glued to that guy’s lap?

7:14 pm Humira is, in fact, for rheumatoid arthritis. Point one for Josh.
Kris (momager) wears so many 80s blazers I would like to see just the 80s blazer portion of her closet.

7:17 pm Kris (caveman) wants dogs in the bed. Little, little dogs. Josh: I like this guy.
Kris (momager) has taught us that plastic surgery is both normal and exciting.

7:24 pm You’ve gotta get out of the bad place and into the fun place.
Kris (caveman) to Kim: Your favorite thing is Hermes, and you new last name is going to start with an H.
Josh: This guy is seven.

7:27 pm Kim’s face doesn’t even fit in the frame because she’s so short and Kris (caveman) is so tall. You’re not meant to be if you can’t even fit together on tv.

(After and extended conversation about who Rob Kardashian is) Josh: Who is that bro in the back? Is that guy their brother? I would hate to be brother’s with this girl.
Rob should get a webseries.
In short succession, we’re sandblasted with really really shocking images. Like Rob’s ass, Kourtney doing her confessional in a Memoirs of a Geisha outfit, and Kris (momager) crying in a Tony Soprano track suit WITHOUT MAKE-UP ON.

7:35 pm Some genius has decided to edit between Kris (momager) having her facelift and the thing she’s lifting her face for (how she’s not as young and hot as her daughters). This is the definition of brilliance.
A conversation between children:
K1: I’m just worried.
K2: Why.
K1: Moms, um, surgery.

7:37 pm Commercial for Tower Heist THE MONEY’S IN THE POOL.

Khloe and Lamar rep pistachios? As in, the entire concept of the pistachio nut is now irrevocably tied to Khloe and Lamar?

7:41 pm Kris (momager) is totally drugged out and post surgery and the first thing she says is, “Kim, do you have any Binaca?” She DOES have a sense of humor.
Emma: She just air-kissed her mother.

7:43 pm Kris (caveman) compares Kris (momager) to the guy in Men in Black.

MC: I just think this is bad because Kris (caveman) is 7 years younger than Kim.
Josh: No, it’s just because he’s just seven.

7:48 pm Humphries. (Just a reminder that that’s his last name)

7:53 pm ‘I can’t be warned.” Is that like I can’t be tamed?”
MC: I think he’s so cute.

8:06 pm “Mom, your hair is shorter than a vagina’s bush and you talk forever.” UM WHAT.

8:11 pm I like that this prenup convo is going on when it says “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” in the bottom right.

8:25 pm Rob: I do worry about my body. (CUT TO: DANCING WITH THE STARS PROMO).
Khloe: Robert, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Rob: Lamar, give me the fruit roll-up.

8:30 pm Khloe is texting Rob how much she hates Kris (momager).

Rob has “That kardashian toosh”

8:33 pm On Rob: “He’s sitting in the pantry…crying and masturbating.”

Aaron: I want a show with only Kris and lamar playing basketball, and I’m going to call it the NBA.

8:39 pm Kourtney: I’m going to turn on the heat at night so you lose a few lbs.
Yup Rob, this is totally better than Khloe and Lamar’s.
My boys…Lamar…Scott…Fat Rob.
“If I’m going to have a six pack by the wedding…you’re not going.”

Kris (caveman): Why does Kim feel like she can show up? I don’t go to her dress fittings.
God he’s real. It’s like he never got past that stage as a small child where you say everything you think because you don’t realize its rude.

8:42 pm Rob to Scott: Dickie boy, you’re not going to tell Kourt if i get a burrito, are you?

Real World problems: Christina Aguilera, or Robin Thicke at your wedding?

Aaron: Where are you now? I’m Kris (caveman) positive.

8:52 pm Stop trying to make “bible” happen, it’s not going to happen.

Kim: I almost just want the wedding to be over so we can enjoy our lives.
Emma: You will never enjoy your life because you’ll never be that satisfied.

“I just don’t think they’re that into me.”

8:58 pm Khloe is wearing a pirate bandana.

The Downer Sitcom

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If this Russ is the Russ who actually appeared on Friends, I would watch this show.

New York Does Yet Another Thing Right

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The Friday night senate vote that legalized same-sex marriage in New York made this weekend’s annual gay pride parade in the village just that much more jubilant.

Editors Note: Check out my photos of the Chicago Pride Parade, which also benefited from the excitement of New York’s news.

Ross Would Write The Best Children’s Books

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More gems such as these can be found at the always-entertaining fyeahfriendsgifs tumblr.

Go To the Zoo

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In Chicago, it’s free!

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Hopefully Never

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