Who will Emily end up with?!
BTW it was Jef in the most surprising ending ever. I will admit that I thought Arie had this one. I will also admit that I cried real human tears during the finale.
Oh but then this fashion moment happened this season:
Who will Emily end up with?!
BTW it was Jef in the most surprising ending ever. I will admit that I thought Arie had this one. I will also admit that I cried real human tears during the finale.
Oh but then this fashion moment happened this season:
Bentley is rocking this season as the most tremendously horrible potential Mr. Bachelorette ever to grace the show. So let’s pay homage to this despicable man you’ve probably met in a bar and fill this post with quotes by Bentley. Farewell, great and former love!
In response to Sir William’s “roast”* of Ashley where he joked that she was no Emily or Chantal:
“I can’t believe you said that. I mean, I feel the same way, but I wouldn’t say it out loud.”
In response to Ashley’s tears after said “roast”:
“I hate it when people cry. It’s not attractive at all.”
To Ashley after she was insecure and upset by the “roast”:
“You have everything….There is a feeling here, for sure. We’re totally on the same page.”
Who knows when:
That was fucking close.
After Ashley gives Ryan a rose for consoling her:
“For her to give another guy a rose justifies it for me — I’m checking out.”
“I’ve been saying from the beginning, she’s just not my type.”
To the other men when he chooses to leave the house:
“It’s time bro, it’s time.”
Before telling Ashley he was leaving:
“So I’m going to make Ashley cry. I just hope my hair looks ok.”
Right before he tells Ashley he’s leaving for his daughter:
“I really miss my daughter, but I’m not leaving because of my daughter.”
After he tells the men that he’s leaving for his daughter:
“These freaking idiots believed me.”
While consoling a tearful Ashley about his departure:
“It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying. I was already checked out, you know?”
And after telling Ashley he wants to leave their relationship open-ended:
“She’s definitely someone I’m not totally smitten by, but someone I would totally hook up with now and then.”
The Bentley also managed to bring out stupid stuff in those around him. For instance, when Ashley asked him “Can you trust in this?”, while entwining his hand with hers. Or when he left, and the men around him nodded and said, “You’re a good Dad.”
Additionally, there was a bit of voiceover while he and Ashley were having their tearful, hug-and-kiss filled goodbye that indicated that he thought this would be a good time for some bangalangin. Poor timing sir. Break-up sex should not be televised.
But it was the revelation that it was indeed our favorite Bachelor contestant Michelle Money who tried to warn Ashley about The Bentley before the show started that has convinced our viewing audience that Michelle should really be the Bachelorette next time around. We’re also convinced she would be an excellent guest appearance for this season as a guide to Ashley. And I used to think she was crazy!
Another great scene was when Chris tells Ashley that The Bentley is a jerk in so many words, and that if he really wanted to be here, he would stay. In response to The Bentley’s open-ended “…” comment, Chris said “That’s such a guy thing to say!”, which was not a compliment thankyouverymuch. Chris, if only you would actually TELL ASHLEY WHAT THE BENTLEY IS SAYING IN THE CONFESSIONAL. But then it wouldn’t be tv blah blah blah.
This episode was rectified by an awesome date with JP, where they cuddled and made out in their pajamas in front of a fire with takeout (was there a bearskin rug? I’m going to say there was even though I don’t remember). There we officially find out that JP > Bentley in the kiss department, causing Molly to say that JP’s profession of Construction Management is sexy because he’s “workin’ with his handsssss.”
Final thoughts: There was A LOT of harping on Ashley’s small boobs in an attempt at comedy during the “roast”, which does lead me to believe that the camera adds ten pounds. It also seems to indicate that as much as Masked Man wanted to pretend otherwise, this show is pretty surface level. If after three weeks, you can’t find something else to “roast” Ashley about, you are a) not very creative or b) not really looking.
And as the room for comparison keeps flowing, I’ll say that I’m consistently struck by how this malicious behavior by the men really has no precedent on brother-show The Bachelor. The men on The Bachelorette are constantly interested in winning, while the women on The Bachelor are waiting to be picked. Even when Michelle was crazy for Brad, she did seem to actually like him while she was being evil. Though the “chooser” is always the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the power dynamic is not equal; Brad NEVER would have been hurt the way Ashley has been repeatedly been allowed to be on this season.
Boy do we wish she was live-blogging the way Bethenny does!
And to Blake the Dentist, Molly has one comment: “Get your vest off.”
Tune in next week, where it appears that Ryan is not as sweet and next-Bachelor as we thought.
* I’m going to consistently use quotes around the word roast because not only was it not a very good roast, it wasn’t even close to funny.
I had big plans for my first season of The Bachelorette; I’d create a complicated bracket and gather the best and the brightest to vote (well, MC would do the bracket, as I couldn’t organize one to save my life). A bottle of SkinnyGirl, or perhaps pink champagne would go to the winner.
But as the first episode loomed, it because clear there were just too many options, and some research revealed that a real bracket won’t really be feasible until we get down to a more manageable number, say 8. So in the coming weeks, we’ll start to figure out our Best Bets, No Gos, and Eh candidates until the MADNESS becomes more obvious.
The Highlights (Some come with highlights)
Best subject of an accidental pun
Tim got wasted at the get-together and fell asleep. Ashley sent him home in a van, and was sad for him about this “wasted opportunity,” not even calling out the amazing pun she had just created. Ironically, he is a liquor distributor from Long Beach, so you think he’d be able to hold it together.
I don’t have a fancy name for him; he really is a butcher. But sadly, he’s back to New Jersey, where he can marry a girl who better not be a vegan (that’s not me, he really pondered whether or not the Bachelorette would eat meat with his Dad). I will miss his dramatic entrances and exits, and awesome looks towards the camera.
Too many J. Crews to count; we need more clothing line-related subdivisions
I obviously can’t claim myself a Bachelorette afficionado, but there a few things I’m concerned about this season. One is Bentley, the man whose parents are either rich or wanted to pretend to be. He was called out before the show as being a guy whose just about the fame. But for some reason, his relative good looks have charmed her, because if the excellent editing of the show’s promo tells us anything, he’s going to screw her over. In this episode alone, he told the cameras “Even though I’m not that attracted to [Ashley], I’m overly competitive.” In the promo, he says that he wishes The Bachelorette would have been Emily, and claims things would have been “different” if she had been.
I worry about Ashley’s potential for harm. In the premiere, she says to her 25 men “I hope you guys are happy it was me.” This doesn’t bode well; she doesn’t appear to be the confident woman she’s remade herself as. We also see a conversation between her and Chris where she essentially puts all the blame for her failed relationship with Brad on her own shoulders. This is the type of woman who isn’t ready to settle down, and instead is ready to get hurt by guys like Bentley. And it worries me, not because I know her or know anything, but because from my limited knowledge, this is a dialogue seen much more in seasons of The Bachelorette than The Bachelor. For example, Ali and the debacles that were Justin and Frank in the last season of this show.
This isn’t to say that women don’t go on the show for the same reason, only that there’s some sort of trend with Bachelorette’s being duped, or with the show’s producers wanting us to see them that way. I know it is the job of the editors to provide intrigue, but my viewing partners and I were not left with a particularly uplifting feeling at the end about this season. Though there were a few choice moments:
– Some baby man saying “If you cant take the heat, get out of the oven.” Why are you in an oven…
– A man wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask got the first rose! Perhaps this is a statement that looks don’t matter on what may society’s greatest example that they so, so do? Though when is the jig going to be up? It’s get to the point when Ashley is less intrigued and more creeped out. It’s also likely one of the other contestants will punch him in the face soon, because he never takes off the mask and that’s weird…
– West, from North Carolina, lost his wife of seven years when she died of seizure by drowning in the bathtub, and yes, he was the one who found her. Bentley, good luck, but this guy is Emily’s soul mate.
Jessie took one for the team and got in there to see what Smart Girls really do…
Fun fact: Jessie and Emily saw this shirt separately and both felt the urge to document it. Smart Girls: They think alike when when they see stupid stuff.
7:30 Ari: Every person who says they haven’t seen any of the movies nominated has always seen Inception.
James Franco is already winning the Anne vs. James fight of who will be more funny.
Ambien in a Capri Sun?!
James Franco: I loved you in Tron. Maybe it’s not Anne’s fault she gets the worst lines.
Morgan Freeman: And so the naked girl from Love and Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital… don’t even finish this sentence.
Alec Baldwin: You just got Inceptioned!
Delorean?! Was that J.C. Penney placement? (Note: The rest of this broadcast will be J.C. Penney placement).
Christopher: That was the first funny one in twenty years. He reminds us that Rob Lowe hosted?! Let that be expunged from his record.
7:38 Anne: It used to be, you get naked, you get nominated. Not anymore. Not anymore.
Jessie: This is indulgent (with the saying hi to their Moms in the audience). Christopher: And Anne’s mom is miced.
Lesbian jokes. James: Toy Story 3. Anne: Where’s the daddd? I wonder this all the time!
7:42 Tom Hanks and Gone with the Wind. Interesting. One of these things is not like the other. We could reference that this film included the first black person nominated but let’s not notice that.
Look at Tom Hanks against Titanic.
Art Direction, so we’re starting off with the little guys. Alice and Wonderland, which is fifth in highest grossing movies of all time. Seriously. These dudes are so nervous in their speech that they put a hat on their Oscar.
Chris says Cinematography is contentious, because True Grit should win, but Inception wins.
Ari: Put your glasses on or off sir. “None of this would be possible without my master Christopher Nolan.” Gotta Union shout-out.
7:51 Kirk Douglas is here. Show other old people. James Franco looks much better “out of the cave.” Says to Anne Hathaway, “where were you when I was making pictures?”
Mom: Kirk Douglas has had too much plastic surgery. It’s true that he can’t really move his face. Remember when he was in Spartacus and Cher from Clueless didn’t realize that Christian liked him because he was a gay?
Best Supporting Actress. Ari: I have not seen the movie but Hailee Steinfeld should win.
Kirk: Hugh Jackman is laughing. I don’t know why everyone in Australia thinks I’m funny. Colin Firth is not laughing.
Julia: He’s a serious man.
Melissa Leo wins, which means I was wrong and her campaign to win actually worked, or at least didn’t work against her. She gives us almost a crotch shot. Amy Adams wishes she had won too, just in case Melissa forgets that she said that Amy should win. Her shock feels so pretend to me. Kirk: You’re much more beautiful than you were in The Fighter. Are you saying white trash isn’t pretty Kirk? Thanks Amy “my sweet sister” Adams.
Mom: This is painful. We almost got a fuck! She’s so passive aggressively angry her beautiful son is not here but is instead jetting around the world like the youthful, unappreciative world-traveler that he is.
Ari: I like that her dress is reflecting on her face. Thank you to the academy because it is about SELLING MOTION PICTURES, AND REFLECTING THE WORK!
Christopher: She is out to lunch.
8:00 Sara: Stop touching your stomach, Anne.
Mom: James Franco looks underwhelmed, or over.
Kate: He’s the right kind of whelmed.
JT says, “I’m Banksy.” We laugh, a lot. Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing, but is upstaged by JT pretending to pull a Kirk Douglas and go into a diatribe before reading the award. Only old people get away with stunts like that.
Christopher is wearing a wifebeater. That is all. It is getting HOT IN HERRRE.
And Best Animated Picture goes to duh, Toy Story 3. I like it when they look up and thank dead people. It’d be funnier if they looked down.
8:12 Hey remember when Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin were in that super depressed movie No Country For Old Men? Forget about it, because they look like cater-waiters right now:
Aaron Sorkin wins Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. He’s such a dork and talks that way. “Roxie Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award, I’m going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig.”
The King’s Speech and David Seidler win for Best Original Screenplay.
Aaron: How can you write a movie, and then win an Oscar?
Seidler says, “The writer’s speech, this is difficult. My father always said I would be a late bloomer.”
Jessie: Hahaha you’re old.
8:23 Costume change number 1, but this tuxedo is Anne’s best outfit yet.
James has good arms.
Helen Mirren looks like a DAMN. Get it, cause she’s a dame?
Mom: What a bod.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to In A Better World. Fucking Denmark. I like that blue of this ladies dress though.
8:29 Supporting Actor with Reese. I’d support her Actor. Mo’Nique must have passed on this.
Sperm is worth nothing. Discuss.
Christian Bale wins duhh. This is so predictable. He says, “Bloody hell”, so maybe he agrees with us. Ari: Wait, am I crazy, or is he not American?
He plugs Dickey. Wow. They must be besties.
Mark Wahlberg’s wife is the one I thought was Cameron Diaz guys! Stop sounding the alarms, the case is closed.
Aaron: He’s listing what sounds like a good group of friends…Boomer…Carlos.
Re: His wife, Bale says, “She’s my mast, though the storms of life. I hope I’m likewise to you.”
8:38 Oh Anne. Rachel Zoe must have really had a field day with this one.
Kate: Crazy, back in the day things were different. Oh, we’ve hit sound and technical awards.
Cool we get to see the orchestra!
Ari: This must have been a nightmare to tech!
Original Score. Kate: I want to train my dragon; it sounds so dirty or something.
Trent! and The Social Network.
Ari: I wish I could go back to 8th grade and say to Nick Krazny, “The Guy you idolize is going to win an Academy Award.” Aaron: For a movie about…the internet.
8:45 Scarlett, you’re funny. Where are Brad and Angelina up in this biz, I notice with the first mention of Salt. Jessie: Raising their children with x’s in their names.
Lesbians! Win for Inception and Sound Mixing.
Thanks the “…Union, of course.” And also “Of course, the mighty Christopher Nolan.” He must require everyone to say this.
Sound Editing. “Mmhm” says shirtless man Matt who is overly tanned and in that movie about the Lincoln Lawyer, which is not a period film about Lincoln and his legal troubles but about an unconventional lawyer who conducts business from his towncar.
Aaron: I wonder what the percentage is on these awards being nominated in pairs?
“I owe this a thousand percent to Chris Nolan.” Jessie: I think this is their way of being like, F U, for Chris Nolan.
8:53 Christopher: He’s so weird looking.
NERD AWARDS with Marisa Tomei. James: All right, congratulations nerds. He is WINNING this thing. His Twitter feed is too.
I thought Katherine Hepburn and Bob Dylan were magically going to be on the stage at the same time, but it’s just Cate Blanchett presenting.
Nathan: Cate Blanchett looks like she’s magically got Dip ‘n’ Dots on her dress.
Make-up. This is such a weak category this season. “That’s gross,” says Cate to the last shot. The Wolfman wins.
To the bud on the right, Christopher says, “Dye your mustache if you’re not going to dye anything else.”
“It was always my ambition to lose an Oscar one day to Rick Baker. This is better.”
Alice and Wonderland wins for Costume Design. Surprise! Ugh I just wanted to see the woman who dressed Tilda impeccably up there. Helena Bonham Carter look confused on whether she should get up. Sweetie, you shouldn’t.
Stiff read award. But they clap? Very nice gloves. Ari: She’s a costume designer.
Aaron: Barack Obama just destroyed everyone.
9:03 Randy Newman you’re so weird. Aaron: God I love this mutherfucker, look at him.
Tangled! Marchesa dress, Mandy Moore? This is too cute.
Kate: Oh my god guys I’m really emotional right now. Who knew Zach Levi had this good a voice? I mean, I saw the film and all, but this is too much.
Ari: This Stella Artois Adrien Brody commercial sucks.
9:11 “Wow what a great year for docs….” Was it? Strangers No More wins for Short Doc.
Mom: I also have never seen these people. OMG it’s the usual bleeding heart doc speech. Of course, thank HBO’s Shelia Nevins. Buddy Squires cinematographer. I can’t take it. Too precious. (She’s overwhelmed, in case you can’t tell.)
Kate won this round (Best Live Action Short Doc)! I liked the title: God of Love. Woah, this dude should have got a haircut and knows it! He thanks “NYU’s Graduate Film Program. The rest of the crew which I’ll thank on the thank you cam after. Finally my mother who did craft services for the film. My dad, the great state of Delaware.” Best speech of the night?
So much fringe on Anne! Rachel Zoe is so pleased.
What is this Harry Potter remix? Who cares, because You know what’s cool? A BILLION dollars.
“He Doesn’t Own A Shirt” For Twilight. I seriously have no idea what this is but I’m into it.
Mom: This show is too creative for its own good.
9:19 Oprah, looking bangalanging. “What if Oprah is Banksy?”
Inside Job, the we hate capitalism movie, wins for Best Documentary Feature, which means Kate wins, let’s all be happy.
She looks happy. Documentary dude makes it political. He also says,”Let the record show, I’m not wearing jeans.” I predict that this was a big fight with his wife before he left the house.
9:24 David Carr and A.O. Scott are sharing chips that did not come from a Brooklyn co-op. Props NYTimes liveblog, for further letting me dream that they hang out like this in real life.
9:26 Billy Crystal, finally. Get off the stage Anne. She’s just too eager.
Let’s look back to the good old days! It’s a little sad they have to rest on Bob Hope performing like fifty years ago for this show to be funny.
9:31 Nathan: Jude’s hair is going. Kate: His hair is gone. It’s not going anywhere.
Special Effects goes to Inception, duh. Boring. Jude and RDJr. look bored too. I wonder how much they are actually bros.
Film Editing, my favorite category. The Social Network wins! Their first nomination was for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Good thing that they made that movie slightly better than the horror it would have been.
9:41 “How to Train Your Dragon, that’s disgusting” says James. We are ONE MIND.
Florence (and the Machine). Christopher: She does look Trans.
GWENETH. She’s an actress not a singer, so she does not know what to do during her performance.
Ari: Pop pop! Randy Newman wins, duh.
Randy Newman: I don’t want to thank these people. I want to be good television, as you can see.
9:52 In Memoriam with Celine Dion.
Nice “Stormy Weather” reference with Lena Horne.
10:01 Hilary, who will never win again, Swank.
Best Director. I really like Katherine Bigelow’s dress. Kate: She just turned down Spiderman. Aaron: Hilary Swank? Jessie: Hilary Swank, cast as Spiderman.
Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech! Upset! Christopher picked it though. He references “The triangle of man-love” that made up this film. Jessie wants to be in that triangle. Sean: I call shoddy.
He notes there have been a lot of mom thanks, but his is different. Hilary’s face says “Aww what a fun story!” in the back.
“And the moral of the story is: Listen to your mother.”
10:05 Annette Bening’s dress is weird.
Hey remember when Eli Wollach won a very similar Lifetime Achievement award in The Holiday? This looks like a fun party.
Ari: Old men at the Oscars is my favorite thing. Jessie: Especially when dumb bitches steal their canes.
Aaron: Look at that tie! Why is Francis Ford Coppola such a swag monster?
10:11 James is so pleased with himself.
Jeff Bridges is here to discuss Best Actress. They always talk to these people on a first name basis here, which I find weirdly personal. Annette Bening just winked and went “Mwah” at the camera. It pans to Nicole Kidman but we’re more interested in Andrew Garfield who looks FIERCE in the back.
Darren “Pedostache” Arronosfky lurking behind Jennifer Lawrence. She’s like “Of all the clips to pick!” when they show this super weird depressing one of her in Winter’s Bone.
Nathan: But Natalie Portman, you’re horrible in Star Wars. And she wins. And kisses Millipede, who helps her on stage.
Aaron: But what if this kid is a fuck-up?
Ari: This kid is the new Maddox Jolie….Every child actor wants to be their Natalie Portman.
She says that her husband “has now given me the most important role of my life”…being a mama.
Alex: Well she had to thank everyone. Thanks camera man, my make-up artist, the guy who held the door for me yesterday, and the barista who gives me extra caramel.
10:19 Sandra’s nostrils look like she does coke. Says to Javier Bardem, “When you won your Oscar for No Country For Old Men, you managed to inspire a whole country with just a haircut.”
Sandra asks “the dude” if he would give this award to someone else because he does not deserve to win two years in a row.
Then we get a shot of JT and Jesse Eisenberg. This is such a great tableau.
Colin Firth, go home, says Sandra. But he wins Best Actor! “I have a feeling my career’s just peaked.”
He’s SO DRY — “When I was a child sensation.” Thanks Tom Ford; Chris and I groove. “Olivia, for putting up with my fleeting delusions of royalty…Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some impulses I’m going to give in to backstage.” This sounds dirty, but he just means dancing.
Jessie is worried that P.S. 22 is going to be sleepy. I’m worried that they’re missing school.
10:31 Anne, tone it down. She’s worn that dress before.
The montage of all the movies nominated for Best Picture was weird, but very well-edited and set to a speech from The King’s Speech. Of course that wins, and the Brit’s take everything.
Helena seems to indicate that Tom Hooper’s on the opposite side of the stage than where the producer’s think he is. Oh producers.
Emily: I like his hair. Kate: Very well tended.
Jessie (re: James): Someone already started drinking.
P.S. 22 did not get to practice a lot I believe, they are running all over the place.
And then all the winners come out on stage? So weird.
Jessie: Wizard of Oz. We’ve reached Oz.
Francesca: Glad like four women won tonight.
Alex: I’m hoping for District 9 To come through and collect what it deserved last year.
FINAL COUNTDOWN: It was an amazing race to the death, with Blake winning again! With 18 correct answers (does he have an inside man at the academy) Christopher coming in at 16, and Francesca in third place with 15. Emily was next with 12, Jessie/Sean at 10 because obviously they needed to vote together, and Kate sadly came in last at 7 but only because she desperately wanted some upsets, people. We’ll never know how KB did because she bailed and did not fill out her ballot but Blake: It’s time. Take over SGST for a day (maybe two now). Your public awaits.
5:02 Jennifer Lawrence looks amazing, though this above shot makes it look as though she’s wearing a girdle.
Emily: Calvin Klein predicted successfully! Apparently, she’ll be filling in for KB on these excellent designer predictions.
Guliana Rancic has Lady Gaga shoulders aka those alien things.
5:16 Ryan to Arnie Hammer: Did you ever wonder why they didn’t just cast twins? Duh Ryan do your homework — they did try to do that!
Venus commercials make me like J.Lo. She looks so relatable, running around with her children. Who knew.
5:23 Hailee Steinfeld looks like a fairy princess. Christina: She looks like Princess Barbie. Sean: She looks like Anne Hathaway. It’s one of a kind Marchesa that she helped design. She is 14, ladies and gentleman. I would post a picture of what I looked like a 14, except we saw that a few days ago, and it was super emo and frizzy.
In response to some stupid question Ryan Seacrest Hailee says “My parents have raised me to be, what I am.” Well said.
Florence kind of wore that dress to the Grammys.
We get cut to Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips coming in together holding hands! Are they friends? Lesbian lovers? Either will do. I love this.
Christina: This Old Navy commercial is aimed at girl who like their ankles. Sean: Girls who don’t have cankles.
5:32 Russell Brand’s mother’s name is Babs.
5:35 Why is Michelle Williams talking so weird? She’s not giving very long answers. So curt.
Maybe she got caps on her teeth, or is on Valium for nerves. RUMOR MILL, right here in this living room.
I love these overhead shots of people entering. They look so much more casual.
OMG it’s Zach Levi! I just clapped.
RE: Previously seen Venus commercial, Christina says “My favorite is when they are shaving themselves in the shower but they aren’t actually shaving anything.” Emily seems astounded by this life-altering observation.
5:50 Sean: Hailee Steinfeld is the younger version of Mandy Moore.
Mark Ruffalo’s ladyfriend looks very severe. Sean: She looks like Patricia Arquette.
Jennifer Hudson’s ponytail looks weird.
Jesse Eisenberg! OMG OMG OMG. Jessie: I guess I’m confused because he’s too nerdy for me…and I’m going to let that sentence finish itself.
5:53 We get to Geoffrey Rush’s bald head! It’s awesome.
Cate Blanchett. Kate: It’s like a show is going to happen where her boobs are but the curtain has to be lifted. Sean: It’s like a baby threw up on her shoulders.
5:56 Ryan to Jennifer Hudson: You love to get dressed up and you love to put things on, especially now with this new body. NONONONONO.
ADVICE OF THE NIGHT: Kevin Spacey: Just have fun and find the bar as soon as possible.
Marisa Tomei looks not so good. Christina: It’s like a really fluffy dust ruffle. We find out later it’s vintage, which is nice.
6:01 JT with his mom.
Christopher tells us that Giuliana works out in the Gold Coast in the Chi.
Kelly Osbourne’s “Glamastrator” just circled Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. Inapprop. Christopher: This is why you can’t do the red carpet for two hours.
My mom just chatted me “OMG Tim Gunn.” I guess we’re changing to channel 7?
Christina: It’s so good that Giuliana and Kelly are not being allowed to interview people.
6:06 Jesse Eisenberg was on Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me yesterday, according to Sara. Must listen in. We’ve switched to Channel 7 upon the prompting of my mom.
Mom: Oh there’s Jesse Eisenberg. He’s just like in the movie. (She means awkward).
Jesse Eisenberg says, “I enjoy watching you in person” to Robin Wright. He doesn’t have a TV.
Giuliana made a really awk joke about how Jessica Biel must be pissed that she’s not there and JT’s mom is. “I want to be on that red carpet!”
6:22 Hilary Swank is wearing glitter and feathers. Not only have I seen this before, I’m not sure that I like it.
Steven Spielberg’s daughter is here. She says, that”Yah (she’s) 14. This is pretty amazing.” We’ve got a real 14 year old now, none of this super-poised Hailee Steinfeld shit.
6:26 I stepped away for a second and look whose here! Hugh Jackman, wife, Halle Berry holding her breasts in, Sandra Bullock.
6:28 Javier Bardem looks chubbs. Penelope Cruz too, and we’re being reminded she had a baby like, yesterday. If I didn’t remember that, her boobs are telling me.
Reese Witherspoon is here! Debate over her, but I love her. It’s so 60s. Look at her ponytail. Julia Roberts Valentino homage, apparently. It’s Armani Privé though, so not really.
Nicole Kidman. Giuliana says, “Be honest Kelly.” Kelly doesn’t know what to say. I say FUG.
6:38 Is that Cameron Diaz? No it’s just a rando. Christian Bale says “They know I’m a stubborn git” re: his family.
Christopher: All these women are coming alone.
Sandra Bullock’s dress is kinda boring. She says the last time she presented she was on two hours sleep because she had a baby that no one knew she had. Her dress is Vera Wang, it’s really structured.
Giuliana: I love how you refer to her as Sandy, Ryan. Emily: You should worry when you and Giuliana have the same thought.
6:44 Oh Robert, do me. He is wearing a white tie.
Mom: Wow. I just heard Beatty. He sounded like he had Alzheimers. He wasn’t tracking at all. 73. He isn’t as sharp as Nana.
I wonder if the fact that J.Lo is in so many ads is because she hasn’t sold an album in so many years that she needs money. Sean: Also, endorsement deals that come with American Idol.
6:48 Anne Hathaway and Tim Gunn. Her dress is red carpet red and has all this crazy train stuff.
It’s so interesting how the lighting on channel 7 is so different from E!, mostly because they’re not pandering to the celebs to make them so snazzy.
6:52 I feel like Reese is in Playboy After Dark.
Sara: Look at RDJr’s hand on the wife’s butt.
Aaron thinks Reese’s hair looks like a yellow waterfall.
7:00 E! has stop broadcasting because of the Kardashian’s, so we’re permanently on ABC.
Tim Gunn says he’s with the “superbly svelt Jennifer Hudson.”
Natalie Portman’s dress changed colors. It got so much more purple. She still looks so hormonal and nervous.
7:04 I love how understated this lady is in her crazy quiet room interviewing celebrities.
7:07 Melissa Menounos asks Sandra Bullock if “motherhood changed your approach to acting?” Christopher: I nurse my co-stars.
7:12 Winter’s Bone gets a Modern Family shout-out with a well-timed shot of Claire and Phil caught in bed. Get it? WINTER’S BONEEE?!
Aaron: Is every man at the Oscars short? Or is every woman tall? Kate: Both
Amazing shot of Robin Wright and Tom Hanks from the stage looking out onto the audience. This makes me appreciate how nervous they must be talking to all these people. Oh famous people. Such is the life.
Images via Getty.
SERIOUS predictions here. The moment is almost here. It’s Oscar time! (I just paraphrased Giuliana Rancic, kill me now).
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Javier Bardem, Biutiful
Jeff Bridges, True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
James Franco, 127 Hours
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Christian Bale, The Fighter — Christopher, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech — Emily
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right — Emily
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone — Jessie/Sean
Natalie Portman, Black Swan — Christopher, Francesca, Blake
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine — Kate
BEST PERFORMANCE FOR AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Melissa Leo, The Fighter — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit –Francesca
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom — Christopher, Kate
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
How to Train Your Dragon
Toy Story 3 — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake (What Whaaaat).
ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION
Alice in Wonderland — Francesca , Kate
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Jessie, Sean
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Blake
The King’s Speech
ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAHY
Black Swan, Matthew Libatique — Emily, Jessie/Sean
Inception, Wally Pfister — Christopher
The King’s Speech, Danny Cohen — Kate
The Social Network, Jeff Cronenweth
True Grit, Roger Deakins — Francesca, Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN
Alice in Wonderland, Colleen Atwood — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
I Am Love, Antonella Cannarozzi — Kate
The King’s Speech, Jenny Beavan — Christopher, Francesca
The Tempest, Sandy Powell
True Grit, Mary Zophres
ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
Black SwanDarren Aronofsky — Emily
The Fighter David O. Russell
The King’s Speech Tom Hooper — Christopher
The Social Network David Fincher — Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
True Grit Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Exit through the Gift Shop — Emily
Inside Job — Blake, Kate
Restrepo — Christopher
Waste Land — Francesca
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
Killing in the Name
Poster Girl — Christopher, Emily, Francesca
Strangers No More — Blake
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang — Kate
ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING
Black Swan Andrew Weisblum
The Fighter Pamela Martin
The King’s Speech Tariq Anwar
127 Hours Jon Harris — Jessie/Sean, Kate
The Social Network Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Blake
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Biutiful — Emily
In a Better World — Francesca, Blake
Incendies — Christopher, Kate
Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) — Jessie/Sean (“Wanna just pick the one in French?”)
ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKE-UP
Barney’s Version, Adrien Morot — Kate
The Way Back, Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
The Wolfman, Rick Baker and Dave Elsey — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (SCORE)
How to Train Your Dragon, John Powell
Inception, Hans Zimmer
The King’s Speech, Alexandre Desplat
127 Hours, A.R. Rahman
The Social Network, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SONG)
“Coming Home” from Country Strong, Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and
Hillary Lindsey — Christopher, Kate
“I See the Light” from Tangled, Music by Alan Menken, Lyric by Glenn Slater
“If I Rise” from 127 Hours, Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong — Francesca
“We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3, Music and Lyric by Randy Newman — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
Black Swan — Emily
The Kids Are All Right
The King’s Speech — Christopher, Francesca
The Social Network — Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
Toy Story 3
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM
Day & Night — Francesca, Blake
The Gruffalo — Christopher, Kate
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary) — Emily
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM
The Confession — Francesca
The Crush — Emily
God of Love — Christopher, Kate
Na Wewe — Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Blake, Kate
Toy Story 3
Tron: Legacy — Jessie/Sean
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING
Inception — Francesca
The King’s Speech — Blake
The Social Network — Christopher, Emily, Kate
ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Kate
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake
Iron Man 2
127 Hours, Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
The Social Network, Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake, Kate
Toy Story 3, Screenplay by Michael Arndt, Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
True Grit, Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
Winter’s Bone, Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini
Another Year, Written by Mike Leigh
The Fighter, Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson, Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
Inception, Written by Christopher Nolan — Emily, Jessie/Sean
The Kids Are All Right, Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg — Kate
The King’s Speech, Screenplay by David Seidler — Christopher, Francesca, Blake
So I was running a little late because there was an episode of Party Down to finish RIP the best show ever. Never fear; the first 15 minutes were probably not that great, I hear.
LL Cool J in the house. He literally looks as though he has not aged at all. This is probably due to that same Kangol hat he always wears. Jessie: I bet he’s 50. IMDB says 43.
Emily: There’s this music video where he just licks his lips over and over again, just like he is now. Bonus points for anyone who can find that and post it in the comments.
5:29 Kyra’s adjusting. I like her wing points at the top of the dress, they remind me of Maleficent, the evil lady from Sleeping Beauty.
Jessie: She looks like Catwoman.
Emily: In a good, not Catwoman way.
Jessie: Whatever, don’t you dare slander her name
Emily: Have you seen the one with Halle Berry?
Kurt from Glee says it’s hard to watch TV because he just keeps looking at his Golden Globe sitting next to it. Mentions that he might want to move it so that he can just relax already.
Addition to the list of pet peeves about Giuliana: Her incessant name-dropping. Jessie adds, “You cant say “mwah” while you actually kiss someone, that’s against the rules.” She then catches herself, and asks for this comment to be stricken from the record because “it’s a good thing KB’s not here, she does that.” The Unlive Blog never lies, Jessie.
5:32 Naya Rivera is doing that thing that Mariah Carey did for about a decade where she just wore too much beige because she was vaguely ethnic. Mistakes. She also appears to be talking to a man who could pass for Leighton “that’s not a last name” Meester’s brother.
5:35 It’s Razor from The Kids Are All Right!
5:39 Angie Harmon comes on. I should really keep watching Rizzoli and Isles, especially since they have some like secret gay following on Youtube with all these people making fanvids in hopes the lead women will get together? Is this the new Xena? Jessie notes that Angie’s dress has probably been worn before. Another Jesse (Tyler Ferguson) is wearing a flannel tie on a plaid shirt. Props.
5:43 Mila Kunis arrives. Jessie: Where’s Mac, where’s Mac!
KB: They broke up.
Jessie: Oh right.
She looks like the young lady on Modern Family who I keep thinking looks lovely at these things but dresses just a little old for herself, who met her boyfriend at a High School Musical 3 audition and Giuliana just will not stop prattling on endlessly to.
Anyway. Thought Mila’s dress was potentially the same collection as Heidi Klum’s from the Globes, but KB thinks it’s from the same McQueen collection Michelle Obama’s dinner with the Chinese that there has been so much hubbub about.
Girl from Winter’s Bone who KB hates because that movie edged out Andrew Garfield for Supporting Actor and The Town for Best Picture at the Oscars. This totally nonsensical hatred will continue throughout the night. But this is my favorite look, I think. It’s Oscar de la Renta.
5:46 Dianna Agron is the epitome of class again, in lace and sequins. Giuliana: You went with a shorter hemline!
A minute later it appears they haven’t moved on in conversation, prompting KB to say “Are they still talking about her shorter hemline?”
Jessie will spend much of the red carpet reading aloud the E! News ticker at the bottom of the screen. Some highlights: We’ve now discovered Eric Benet is engaged to “Mariela Testosterone” and that Justin Bieber is married.
Ed Helms tells Giuliana that he’s “just rocking the carpet, SAG awards style.”
5:54 Epiphany! Those awful tmobile commercials feature Fisher from Greek! And the reason I didn’t recognize him was because his hair is so horrible for a reason unbeknownest to us.
6:05 John Krasinski is, through the help of modern technology, is both talking to Giuliana and her co-host whose like, somewhere else on the red carpet. He says that this is “so interactive. This is next-level interviewing.”
Lea Michelle is certainly into the deep-v’s and low-boob these days.
Jane Lynch is wearing Neil Lane. Sean: She’s going to prom after this.
Emily: In what, 1957?
Jessie: You know what guys, maybe she didn’t get to go to prom because she was bullied.
6:13 Jessie says I’m going to feminist hell because I dont like Hilary Swank. Discuss.
When Melissa Leo walks out, there are SO many moans.
Giuliana tells us she would love to be telepathic in real life. And then as Claire Danes approaches, mutters crazily under her breath “OMG pretty.” It’s good that we don’t need to be telepathic IRL to figure out what she’s thinking.
6:18 Some girl who is a correspondant and on The City star says in her British accent that Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t look good because of the black tie on her dress? “You’re not doing karate, my love.”
6:29 Giuliana gets into it with Nicole about her “attic baby”, which I did not know was a Francesca original until this very moment.
6:31 Giuliana cannot talk to Christian Bale. “How are you feeling, are you feeling like the birthday boy? Christian: Of course im feeling like the birthday boy.
Julia Stiles looks amazing! There are worse dopplegangers to have.
6:33 Winona looks like a bridesmaid who wore white and the bride hates her. She was in Black Swan?! Maybe I didn’t know that because I’m still thinking about this:
Amy Adams is in Herve Leger, but all I can do is feel sympathy for her with her slight hair tuft at the hairline of her very sleek ponytail.
6:35 James Franco is wearing amazing sunglasses that are “Steve McQueen edition.”
This just in: Geoffrey rush is still bald, but wearing a different hat.
6:40 JT is making love with himself to the camera. But he has a buzz cut, so I love it. Giuliana asks him, “Did you ever want to change your name because it was kinda longer? See what we make you think about here on E!” She also gives him a nip of whiskey to “raise the roof a little bit.”
Jessie asks, “Is there an actual awards show thats going to happen? I feel as though it’ll just be this all night.”
It is noted that Robin Wright nee Robin Wright Penn looks good. Her hair, however, does not. Jessie: It is a bang. One bang.
Giuliana tells us that, don’t worry, “all the stars look fabulous from my vantage point.” Your vantage point of needing to suck up to them so that you get someone to talk to you on this show. Let’s end on a more refreshing point: Helena Bonham Carter is not wearing the same dress as during the Globes and says, “They’re going to rip me to shreds anyway, so I might as well make it worse.”
Images via Getty/wireimage
Why weren’t we watching the NBC Red Carpet? It’s Carson Daly and Alexa Chung and some woman who looks like Lori Loughlin. Now the world, or this room full of people, will never know how much she’s actually like Lori Loughlin. Did she too star as the hot mom in a few choice CW series?
7:00 Of course Angelina and Brad are the first ones we see. They will remain in this half-hugging position for the whole night.
Ricky G. tells us that “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Here’s hoping Ricky. He starts talking about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist and what a bad movie it was (pan to Johnny Depp, looking amused) and Burlesque, of course (“Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975”). Moving on to other films not nominated, such as the SATC 2 poster airbrushing — “Girls, we know how old you are” — the censors do their job and bleep Christ’s sake, and we get a few John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay scientologist jokes. All in all, not reinventing the wheel, but everyone seems super uncomfortable, so win!
7:02 The Walking Dead is nominated. Shot of Steve Buscemi. Someone back there has a sense of humor.
7:05 And it’s time for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Duh, it’s Christian Bale, which means KB was the loser. Guys, money never ever sleeps.
KB screams “Geoffrey Rush is wearing a chapeau!” He is apparently bald underneath for a film.
Christian Bale makes some long weird comment about Deniro that the censors cut. We’ll never know…
7:09 LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are presenting together. Why, Bowen, why?
First upset of the night: Katey Sagal wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama. Loved her on 8 Simple Rules, but here she looks like Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey.
She says to her husband, the creator of Sons of Anarchy: “Sweetheart, I love you. I’m so glad you’re the boss of me.” Woah. They cut her off faster than they cut of Christian Bale. KB notes that that’s because they’re scared for their lives when it comes to Christian. No one has won this round.
Kenneth the page!
7:16 We’re introduced to this years Golden Globe Girl, aka, the lesser Golden Girl(s).
Carlos wins Best Foreign Language Film or whatever. Second upset! And we get to see Kenneth the page again, making that same manic face everytime.
KB: You know its a night of upsets when everyone is coming from the mezzanine.
7:21 Garrett Hedlund, my future husband.
Scott Caan. Jessie gets mad at Kate for not remembering that he was in Oceans 11. Whatever, apparently he has a super hairy chest.
Kenneth the page sighting number 3.
Chris Colfer wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee. He looks so genuinely shocked, and the cast is so excited for him (Lea Michele maybe is a good actress, methinks). He says, “I think I just droped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if you could give it back to me….” Blake has won this round.
7:30 Michelle Pfeiffer is the most beautiful woman alive, except “her armpits go up to Toledo” says Jessie. I don’t know what that means. She will spend the rest of the show looking pissed though, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Ricky G. makes a joke about the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, who counters, “Ricky, next time you want me to help qualify your movies, go to another guy.”
7:33 Kevin Bacon is going to be in X-Men?
Steve Buscemi wins, and Boardwalk Empire wins, which mean Kate wins! Did you know my friend Talia used to shred his fan mail for him as an afterschool job? He says, “First of all, I have thank table 114. You guys are a lot of fun.” Apparently he has a relative named Tutti? Maybe he is in the mob.
7:45 Jesse Eisenberg has a soul patch. Dude stop it.
7:47 Burlesque wins for best song, that awful number where Cher just yells that you “Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me.” A Liza Minelli wannabe accepts, though I do love it when non-famous people win. Both Blake and Christopher get this round.
7:50 Best Score goes to The Social Network aka Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Jessie and Kate win this round duh. But it’s hilarious to see him in a suit.
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical goes to Glee, which is pretty ridic. Ari says, “They’re going to cry over everything. They’re going to cry over tonal shifts in their episodes.”
7:55 Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hailee Steinfeld and the J. Biebz. Jessie: This is why puberty is awkward, she’s two years younger than him, and like a foot taller.
Ari: I dont know how to feel about kids introducing animated features. AGEISM.
Jessie says, “Maybe Toy Story 3 won’t win”, right as it does. Everybody gets this round. The dude who runs up to accept looks like Ed Helms, and he remarks, “Wow, were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?” Touché, good sir.
This is incredibly unfair. Because he’s not like, super famous, they are legit just cutting to famous people looking bored as he talks.
7:59 Look at Robert Downey Jr. swagger. Maybe it’s because he’s married to to Susan Lucci, right Jessie? He tells a very extensive joke about the women who are nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, and how he’s connected to all of them. Gets awk, but I dig.
Someone notes that Al Pacino and Michael Douglas are slowly becoming the same person. That’s right: OLD WHITE MEN.
And Annette Bening wins! Which means KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily get points. Annette thanks “Mark Ruffalo, our awesome sperm donor, and “MY HUSBAND, WARREN BEATTY!” That’s right, stake your claim girlfriend.
8:11 It’s Tilda and Geoffrey Rush. What a dynamic duo.
Going back to Al Pacino, Ari wonders if it’s weird she always confuses him with Bob Dylan. Kate says no, they both look homeless.
8:16 And Claire Danes wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television, duh. She tells us, “I have to rattle these names off because everyone was so vitalllll,” emphasis on the vital. Slow camera pan in on J.Lo Hew, who is trying not to cry. As Kate was the only one to vote in this category, she wins by default and also brilliance.
8:23 Zac Efron looks like a boy band member. Ari and KB think his tie is too shiny, but Kate likes it.
8:25 Kenneth the page. If you’re trying to make this a drinking game, that’s the fourth sighting.
Steve Carell comes out with Tina Fey, and tells us “Don’t turn the channel! We’re still stars.” Yessir.
Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Screenplay – Motion Picture, which means KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca and Kate win. Where is JT?!
KB: Aaron, tell us who was better: Kristin Chenoweth or Maureen Dowd?
8:29 Jane Lynch wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee, with the group conclusion being that she’s better in other stuff, but we all like her. She says, “My cup runneth over”, but “I am nothing if not falsely humble.” I love a good prepared speech that seems natural and doesn’t require a piece of paper. She also thanks her family in Chicago, and we’re pretty sure she’s talking about us. On that note, Blake and Christopher have got this round.
8:35 Woman from Denmark wins something foreign. Kate says “Denmark. Is she Denmarkein?” It’s clarified that she’s in fact Danish.
8:38 Helen Mirren introduces Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical by explaining that these women are always “gorgeous, smart, beautiful.” Really? Do we need to superlatives about how attractive they are? ‘Cmon Helen. She also uses some weird terminology comparing this process to the lifecycle — inseminated, gestated, given birth — that gives us all a bit of a uncomfortable feeling.
Laura Linney wins for The Big C but couldn’t be bothered to show. (UPDATE: I’m a bitch. Her dad died recently.) Kate goes deaf as KB squeals in her ear. Jessie says that the show is, “about her living her life, like a free bitch.”
8:46 Jane Fonda aka my mother’s celebrity doppleganger hasn’t been at the Globes for 25 years. Guys, that’s embarrassing that you just admitted to losing her invite every year for that long.
Much debate occurs over whether you can see the top of her right nipple. It’s inconclusive. If you have picture evidence, holler at me.
Kaley Cuoco is so genuine about Jim Parsons winning for The Big Bang Theory. Watch this scene if you need convincing he’s worth the time. KB, Blake, Christopher and Kate win this round.
Kate: Hugh Laurie is bald. Accept it and move on.
8:50 Jeremy Irons. Jessie: Mufasaaaa!
Melissa Leo wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. She says, “All that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!” Cut to Mark Wahlberg drinking away. It must be sad that you’re surrounded by all this talent and know you won’t get a win boy. Melissa thanks someone for “those few hours we spent in the maritime hotel”, and then realizes what she has just said and clarifies, “No no no you dont know what kind of girl I am!” What kind of girl would that be, Melissa. She makes sure to say, “Mark Wahlberg, you are a prince.” Jessie: He does not like her.
8:59 Cecil B. Demille award and Robert Deniro makes a weird speech. In the introduction by Matt Damon, he tries to act out some of his best scenes. What is this, an audition? Temple Grandin is really bored, and Eva Longoria is sitting next to her? KB tries to start a rumor that something’s going on with those two.
Angelina is looking through Brad to find the waiter. “Bring me more Moet bitch!”
9:07 Deniro was bleeped. We don’t know what he said. but he was workin’ blue, according to Ari.
Ad for Abilify the anti-depressant. Ari says: Is that like Unobtainium?
9:12 Oreo commercial, entitled ‘Lick or be licked.” Kate starts down a dark path with this catchphrase.
Ari: Oreoes dont need to be advertised. The people that are going to buy them are going to buy them. If you see them you won’t suddenly like them. Discuss.
Kate: They totally picked Megan Fox to talk about The Tourist because she’s the poor man’s Angelina.
9:16 David Fincher wins Best Director, which means Blake, Christopher, Francesca and Kate are the champions. Is his speech 4 pages long, or is he blind?
9:18 Christopher: Modern Family is for homophobes.
HUGE outcry in the room.
9:24 Why is Alicia Keys here? Yes, she is a singer, to those in the room who seemed confused.
Paul Giamatti looks like he’s on coke or something, but its just Godiva chocolate? He won in the category that no one good was nominated in, Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, but Emily wins. They keep bleeping him out. For some reason he says, “Montreal, I dream about it. I salute the great nation of Canada.” That’s probably the first time it’s ever been saluted, so job well done.
As we cut to commercial break, we get a shot of Emma Stone and Mila Kunis who seem very happy to be there, jumping together.
9:28 Commercial for L’Oreal: ‘Imagine if you could grow young.” It’s “inspired by gene science.” This is followed by a commercial for Exboards, which are whiteboards. What has the world come to.
9:32 Joseph Gordon Levitt has a weird button on, and is talking like a weirdo. It’s cool though, he was in 3rd Rock from the Sun.
Jeff Bridges tells us that Natalie Portman has won Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama. We get some shots of him being positioned appropriately on the stage by Miss Golden Girls.
Natalie, you should stick to acting. She tells us, Thank you to Benjamin for helping me bring another life into this world” and “he’s the best actor, he totally wants to sleep with me!” She also thanks Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis. Dear god. She does have a fabulous back, and Darren Aronofsky only has a horrible pedostache.
KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily win, but could have predicted such a horrendous speech?
KB: The Golden Globes is a 50/50 British/American. (Note: This was def the Sunny D and Andre talking. In no way do the awards shake out this way.)
9:54 Michael Douglas gets onstage. Everyone stands, which means KB was right about that. She starts violently hitting Kate while Michael tiredly says, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”
The Social Network wins for Best Picture — Drama.
Why is Kevin Spacey hugging Aaron Sorkin? Ari: Because he thinks that its the year 2000 and he won for American Beauty. Chris smiles slyly. Why are the fake Winklevoss’ up there and fucking Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield can’t stop being emo and get up there. David Fincher blames their “left brain combination.”
Ricky G. tells us it’s all over, and “Thank you to god, for making me an atheist.” Sure thing bro.
Blake, our dark horse from out West, wins with a resounding 15 correct answers! Christopher comes in a respectable 10, and Kate, our ever-fearless blogger, comes in with 9. Everyone else ties at 8
What should Blake’s prize be? The opportunity to take over Smart Girls for the day? A nice bottle of Moet (or Andre?) You decide!
And thank you to Gawker for finding this clip. Now I can watch over and over and over again.