Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose Are Engaged? The Grammy Red Carpet 2012

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Imagine: Amber Rose and “Wiz” reproduce. Their kids will be aliens on earth.
5:59 pm Sean: Cyndi Lauper is Ke$ha in 20 years.

6:04 pm Fergie is wearing Gaultier not Versace. Good guess though, I’ll pat myself on the back. Her mom: “She’s still my little rock and roll rebel.”
Fergie on Kanye: “What can you not say about him, musically, that’s not positive.”

Jessie J is British, apparently. And this story about her rehearsing at Clive’s party for Bobbi Kristina is confusing. Even Giuliana thinks she might be making it up

She’s really just bangs on a floating head.

6:08 pm Katy Perry is pretty; she looks like a non-literal mermaid.

I’m the minority, but I love Kelly Osbourne’s grey/purple hair.
The celebrities are doing a good job with being really explicit about their designers these days.

6:14 pm Robyn, no. We know you’re Swedish, but no.
The head of the Grammys is blatantly lying about how they “help people in their family when they need it.”

6:23 pm Sean: Nicki Minaj and THE POPE?
Kelly Osbourne calls it the big fashion moment of the night, because she has a bishop with her. It’s this years Lady Gaga-egg.
I have an unnatural hatred for Blake Shelton.

Alberto re: Ryan Seacrest on Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton: Ryan, don’t comment on how other relationships are fake.

6:30 pm Sean: If I were Alicia Keyes, I’d wear a pantsuit all the time.
Kate: Oh wait, she does…

Julianne Hough is not the new Jennifer Aniston.
Taylor Swift looks like Nicole Kidman.

I’m glad Giuliana decided to stop trying to grow out her roots.

6:39 pm RIHANNA IS 23. I just always have to remind myself that.

Giuliana’s attempt to be tactful about the stars’ clothes while constantly complimenting them must be a hard balance to strike.

There’s a black guy in Maroon 5?

6:43 pm Common, why aren’t you and Serena Williams together? Also here are his thoughts on Maya Angelo: “She is like a walking poetry, walking spirit, God coming through her.” Sure.

Etta James. Don Cornelius. Whitney Houston. That is all.

I’ve said this before, but Kate Beckinsale is the hottest woman alive. Her daughter looks aite too.

6:47 pm This Tina Fey commercial…is confusing.

I don’t really know why we’e obsessing about Nicki Minaj is wearing because she’ll she’ll change like a thousand more times tonight.
Also where is Gaga?

6:56 pm Adele is always wearing black.

The Kim K Show: Fairytales DO Come True

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Editors’ Note: There were men here for this one. They were pretty shocked with what they had to see.

7:03 pm Kim is wearing a see-thru tuxedo shirt. Do not discuss.

7:05 pm E! has decided to blur out a dog pooping.

Josh thinks Kris'(momager) office looks like Lex Luther’s.

7:09 pm Kris (momager) has a totally different face .
Josh: Re: Bruce “That dude looks like if Dave Coulier was a lesbian. And is Kim glued to that guy’s lap?

7:14 pm Humira is, in fact, for rheumatoid arthritis. Point one for Josh.
Kris (momager) wears so many 80s blazers I would like to see just the 80s blazer portion of her closet.

7:17 pm Kris (caveman) wants dogs in the bed. Little, little dogs. Josh: I like this guy.
Kris (momager) has taught us that plastic surgery is both normal and exciting.

7:24 pm You’ve gotta get out of the bad place and into the fun place.
Kris (caveman) to Kim: Your favorite thing is Hermes, and you new last name is going to start with an H.
Josh: This guy is seven.

7:27 pm Kim’s face doesn’t even fit in the frame because she’s so short and Kris (caveman) is so tall. You’re not meant to be if you can’t even fit together on tv.

(After and extended conversation about who Rob Kardashian is) Josh: Who is that bro in the back? Is that guy their brother? I would hate to be brother’s with this girl.
Rob should get a webseries.
In short succession, we’re sandblasted with really really shocking images. Like Rob’s ass, Kourtney doing her confessional in a Memoirs of a Geisha outfit, and Kris (momager) crying in a Tony Soprano track suit WITHOUT MAKE-UP ON.

7:35 pm Some genius has decided to edit between Kris (momager) having her facelift and the thing she’s lifting her face for (how she’s not as young and hot as her daughters). This is the definition of brilliance.
A conversation between children:
K1: I’m just worried.
K2: Why.
K1: Moms, um, surgery.

7:37 pm Commercial for Tower Heist THE MONEY’S IN THE POOL.

Khloe and Lamar rep pistachios? As in, the entire concept of the pistachio nut is now irrevocably tied to Khloe and Lamar?

7:41 pm Kris (momager) is totally drugged out and post surgery and the first thing she says is, “Kim, do you have any Binaca?” She DOES have a sense of humor.
Emma: She just air-kissed her mother.

7:43 pm Kris (caveman) compares Kris (momager) to the guy in Men in Black.

MC: I just think this is bad because Kris (caveman) is 7 years younger than Kim.
Josh: No, it’s just because he’s just seven.

7:48 pm Humphries. (Just a reminder that that’s his last name)

7:53 pm ‘I can’t be warned.” Is that like I can’t be tamed?”
MC: I think he’s so cute.

8:06 pm “Mom, your hair is shorter than a vagina’s bush and you talk forever.” UM WHAT.

8:11 pm I like that this prenup convo is going on when it says “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” in the bottom right.

8:25 pm Rob: I do worry about my body. (CUT TO: DANCING WITH THE STARS PROMO).
Khloe: Robert, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Rob: Lamar, give me the fruit roll-up.

8:30 pm Khloe is texting Rob how much she hates Kris (momager).

Rob has “That kardashian toosh”

8:33 pm On Rob: “He’s sitting in the pantry…crying and masturbating.”

Aaron: I want a show with only Kris and lamar playing basketball, and I’m going to call it the NBA.

8:39 pm Kourtney: I’m going to turn on the heat at night so you lose a few lbs.
Yup Rob, this is totally better than Khloe and Lamar’s.
My boys…Lamar…Scott…Fat Rob.
“If I’m going to have a six pack by the wedding…you’re not going.”

Kris (caveman): Why does Kim feel like she can show up? I don’t go to her dress fittings.
God he’s real. It’s like he never got past that stage as a small child where you say everything you think because you don’t realize its rude.

8:42 pm Rob to Scott: Dickie boy, you’re not going to tell Kourt if i get a burrito, are you?

Real World problems: Christina Aguilera, or Robin Thicke at your wedding?

Aaron: Where are you now? I’m Kris (caveman) positive.

8:52 pm Stop trying to make “bible” happen, it’s not going to happen.

Kim: I almost just want the wedding to be over so we can enjoy our lives.
Emma: You will never enjoy your life because you’ll never be that satisfied.

“I just don’t think they’re that into me.”

8:58 pm Khloe is wearing a pirate bandana.

Is Britney The Bitch, Or Are We?

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“The biotch is back, and better than ever”, Giuliana tells us. As we know, if Giuliana says so, it must be true.

“It’s Britney, bitch” was THE catchphrase from Ms. Spears’ “Gimme More” track off of her album Blackout, released in 2007. The track will forever be associated with a disastorous performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, as Spears tried to rehabilitate her image after several years of very public personal struggles that had distracted from any talent she had as an entertainer. Since then, “It’s Britney, bitch”, called a “defiant, unnecessary assertion” by James Hannaham of Salon, has become somewhat a catchphrase of our time (or that time in 2007). The implication of this particular lyric is bold: we are the bitch(es), and she is Britney. In his review, Hannaham agreed, asking “What did she call us? Surely anyone who has seen a magazine in the past five years knows that she is our bitch. Our head-shaving, drug-abusing, rehab-escaping, ProTools-needing, coochie-flashing, K-Fed-marrying, K-Fed-divorcing, child-welfare-endangering, bonkers-going, MTV Video Music Awards-appearance-flubbing bitch.”

Time have changed. In this new cover for V Magazine, however, the implication seems to have changed: she is the bitch and we are merely…ourselves? From E! News via ONTD:

If we’ve learned anything from this linguistic switch, it’s that we’re all bitches. Britney included.

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