Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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People Are French, No? The 2012 Oscars

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7:27 pm Now we’re trying to out-Greek yogurt each other? “Possibly the best Greek yogurt in the world.” POSSIBLY?

7:31 pm Classic Billy Crystal into where he steps into movies. His face hurts a lot. This might be funnier if I had seen any of these.
BLACKFACE?
Tamara: Was that a Men’s Warehouse joke?

Billy is wearing coattails. He looks even shorter.
It sounds like someone’s phone has a terrible ringtone. (NOTE: FURTHER IN THE SHOW WE WILL REALIZE THIS IS HAPPENING ON EVERYONE’S TV, THANK GOD.)
Christopher: Upp, European teeth.
If Billy Crystal made the Jonah Hill fat joke about a woman, the world would explode.
Tone down the orchestra.

7:43 pm Someone won already? Hugo for Cinematography and Production Design. Why is this husband and wife team not sitting together? Her face looks like Donatella Versace’s.

Pharrell brought out the wannabee steel drums.
They just showed a shot of Jennifer Lopez from The Back-up Plan.

McDonald’s commercial — he’s definitely not going to love you if you keep eating those fries girl.

7:53 pm “I’ll have what she’s having.” Rob Reiner’s mother made it into the the Academy Awards!


J.Lo: there will be nipple. Costume Design goes to The Artist, a period piece, shocker. Make-up will too. Goes to The Iron Lady.

7:58 pm Weird moment with Cameron and J.Lo that cannot be explained. “Thanks Meryl, for keeping me employed for the last 34 years.” Woah sir.

8:05 pm Sandra Bullock looks SO serious. Makes reference to China, which is just so funny and oppressed and probably not allowed to watch this show. A Separation wins, and the fact that this dude wrote his speech out, it seems legit.

Is that Nick Nolte’s son? Ouch.
Christian Bale is SO. HOT.
I swear Octavia Spencer is sitting next to Billy Crudup. I swear it.

8:19 pm Did Christopher Guest do this little bit? Plus 1.

Everyone says Bradley Cooper is gay? Not I. Though I guess he did date Renee…
Film editing is my favorite category no joke. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins. We’re debating who we would date of these two. “We’re the editors, so, thank you,” they basically say. Hugo wins for Sound Editing; Bradley Cooper says “Yeah.” And the winners give a great speech: “I just basically want to thank everybody” is the gist, but funny.
Sound Mixing, a totally different category than Sound Editing. Hugo wins, again. The guy who gets up there has shoulders like the dude from The Incredibles.

8:34 pm We got the Muppets and Cirque in the stage. Tell me, people who know, how this works.
The Frenchman is really trying to make it in America.

8:40 pm Robert Downey Jr. just Tebowed? Gwyneth is without cape but looks good. Also look at her lack of botox! Girlfriend’s face is moving all over the place.

Best Doc winners for Undefeated are hot. BLEEEEPPPP.

8:46 pm Academy: We invited Chris Rock, so we’re not racist.
Rango wins. Tamara confuses Gore Verbinski with Gore Vidal and was wondering why he won Best Animated movie. The real Gore thanks “the real world chameleon Mr. Johnny Depp.”

8:51 pm Emma Stone is drunk and loving Visual Effects. A subtle dig at Anne Hathaway and she’s winning the moment. Hugo wins the real moment though, after much discussion in my living room over whether Planet of the Apes was good.

9:01 pm Rooney Mara actually looks happy as Christopher Plummer wins for Best Supporting Actor. We’re trying to not be ageist but we’re being ageist. “When I first emerged from my mother’s womb…” he says.
Tamara: Jonah Hill has had bitchface on all night. Elaine, his “long-suffering wife” is a lot younger than him.

9:09 pm Billy Crystal pretending to read the minds of audience members is the first time he’s been good this night.
MUSIC. Penelope Cruz comes out. Tamara: She’s from Spain, so we have to play this music. The Artist wins, by a dude “who has no formal training.” Christopher: He’s a HACK.

Best Original Song. Bret Mackenzie is still, I believe, the less sexy Conchord.

9:24 pm Angelina, a lot of vag. Look at that pose. And the makeup that she did herself. Remember when she didn’t look like this? Actually looks like a call girl. Her forehead is starting to get a Julia Robert’s quality.

Adapted Screenplay — “Our beautiful Italian flower!”
Woody Allen is such a dick and doesn’t show up for winning for Midnight in Paris.

Christopher on a local Bank of America commercial: I assume this is only showing here.

9:36 pm Mila aka hottie who got to grind some nerds.

Bridesmaids. On size mattering — Maya Rudolph: Yes but not length.
Tuba Atlantic does not win, but the dude that does says “Now I don’t have to wait until the wedding to tell the world how brilliant she is.” Legitimately crying now.
Camera does not know where Documentary Feature is. Of course. I love the way people who actually are from Pakistan say Pakistan. Sharmeen! She won.

9:50 pm Oh my god, you. Best Director. I find Michel Hazanavicius very sexy. “I am the happiest director in the world right now.” Yes, there is definitely no one happier than you on earth right now.
Meryl looks like Caesar’s Palace and it’s phenomenal.

10:03 pm IN MEMORIAM. Christopher is more interested in his dead phone than these dead people. His hand/eye coordination is affecting his texting.

10:10 pm BEST ACTOR. Good thing Natalie is scripted this year. Love it when they all try to act like they’re friends. She should have just memorized this. I mean, isn’t she an actress.
French man has someone who does his eyebrows “well.”
Alex: [Uggie] is totally the dog from Frasier.
Ari: He’s not! MOOSE DIED.
WE ARE FRENCH WE DO THIS.

10:23 pm Oh right, Colin Firth won last year. I liked him with the greyer hair.
Colin: “Meryl. Mamma Mia…I was gay, we were happy….You are unreasonably good.”
Wait, he and Michelle worked on Dawson’s Creek together? And she was his mentor? That’s what we’re getting from this.

MERYL WOAH. She goes over to Viola of course. “When they called my name I could hear everyone in American say, ‘Ohhhh not her.’ Well, whatever.” She and her hairstylist both won and they call each other out.
Kate: How can you hate?
Chris: (I can. I can) No I can’t!

10:32 pm And we’re ending the night on Tom Cruise. That’s depressing.
War Horse, amirite?
And, The Artist wins. Chris: Harvey Fierstein is just like “YESSSSSSSS.”
“I would like to say very very important things.” And you shall sir. You shall.

Oh You Know, It’s Just The Red Carpet Of The 2012 Oscars

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5:44 pm Pharrell is here? Talking about Hans Zimmer and Union regulations. So I guess he helped on the music for this show or something.

We get it Michelle. You’re cute and dainty.

Bérénice Bejo and Viola Davis decided to wear exactly the same outfit and have exactly the same hair color. Kelly Osbourne: “I love that she kept her hair the way that it is” aka LIKE A BLACK WOMAN.

5:47 pm George and Stacy are not the couple of the night, Kelly Osbourne. One dude cannot hold up the dead weight of his partner.

5:54 pm Rooney Mara blah blah. I still like her sister better. Also BUSY PHILLIPS.

Glenn Close is wearing a blazer. Alex: You are not weird enough to be wearing weird things. You are not Tilda.

Jonah Hill and his mom have the same nose.

Maya Rudolph says Beyonce is “lovely and cool and totally positive.” Unsurprising. Also Nelly Furtado “did not care for my impression of her.”

6:12 pm Giuliana: I love how Ryan’s ignoring me right now. Story of your life Giuliana — the one person that is supposed to listen to you doesn’t.

Oh “The Dictator.” Ryan is NOT pleased about his ash dusting ala The Big Lebowski. I hear, though I was in the bathroom for that moment, sadly.

E! gives us a close-up of the socks, as if we care.

6:23 pm Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, my favorite couple. Melanie licks her lips while watching Antonio. Classic.

Tina Fey, wearing exactly what she always wears. That’s because it’s “custom” Carolina Herrera.

JENNIFER LOPEZ IS STANDING NEXT TO TINA FEY. J.Lo also chastises Ryan for making her wait, calls him baby twice, and has amazing-looking breasts (IRONIC FORESHADOWING).

Alex: Ryan, stop telling people this story about your “ashing.” It might be new to them, but it’s not new to us.

6:28 pm EMMA STONE. We’ve seen this dress before but I still love it. I like that her hair matches her dress. THEY SHAKE HANDS.

6:32 pm Why is Sarah Hyland on this panel? E! is obsessed with her.
Oh this is why, I’ve been informed.

6:45 pm ‏This explains everything: @brianstelter
Why isn’t E! showing the red carpet anymore? Per @AndyLevy, ABC has exclusive red carpet rights after 7:30p ET. (via @jonathanwald)

6:52 pm Nick Nolte got old real quick.
Penelope Cruz’s dress is a very different color than in pictures.

7:01 pm Cameron is “Roma chica trashy Italian” says Christopher, who just arrived.

7:04 pm Gwyneth and Cameron are best friends and got ready together? Sure…We’re just hearing about this?

7:12 pm Is Brad Pitt nominated for Troy 2?

Sandra, the plastic surgery…She just yelled about how happy she is to be here, which means she’d really like to be at home on the couch. Sandra, you’re invited over here.

7:20 pm Natalie looks 23 again. With greasy, hungover hair to match.

Kate: Why is Tom Hanks giving us a behind-the-scenes tour? Tamara: Because he’s like, a luminary.

God It Really Was Such A Good Year For Latinos: The Golden Globes Unlive Blog 2012

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7:01 pm Angelina and Brad look TERRIBLE.

From later in the evening — see?

Meryl Streep is wearing a chip clip in her hair.

“ContROVosee.” Brits are weird. Jodie Foster reaches for the wine.
“I don’t care” that everyone here hates me. Yes you do Ricky.

7:05 pm “Dame Helen Mirren’s got good PR but she’s usually terrible.” Nice Ricky. I hope that one day I am referred to Dame Kate Dries.
Why was Amanda Peet wearing glasses? Sorry girl. You have become Lake Bell but not as cool.
Ricky to Johnny Depp: “Have you seen The Tourist yet?” Johnny isn’t such a good actor, because he’s having a hard time faking interest in that joke.

7:08 pm Gerard Butler looks like Wolverine. Alex: Do not insult Hugh Jackman.
Wouldn’t it be funny if Kenneth Branagh lost to Jonah Hill?
Don’t worry, Christopher Plummer won. They don’t cut to Jonah Hill when Plummer is thanking his fellow nominees. Way to start this night off with a bang with an old rambly person, who calls Ewan McGregor Ewan “my hearts in the highlands” McGregor

7:13 pm Elle Macpherson is sashaying like a saltshaker.
Zooey Deschanel has weird ’60s style hair, sorry Zo. Tina Fey peaks behind Amy Poehler. Love them.

Laura Dern’s “mother” on Enlightened is wearing an inflatable vest or parka.

7:19 pm Julianne Moore a. why are you holding hands with Rob Lowe b. you always have emerald green we get that you are a redhead c. why put a ruffle around your hips.

Mini-series is actually an impressive category this year.
The woman in Downton who looks like Katie Holmes is wearing a nice dress. Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore are suddenly part of Downton Abbey on this stage, and look okay with it.

7:23 pm Kate Winslet! Who apparently has a new boyfriend. Her dress is too short.

Why is Diane Lane sitting next to Susan Sarandon’s daughter?

7:32 pm Jeremy Irons puts his arm around the pres of the HFP, as if to protect her from the bloggers.
Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a double-breasted suit.

Paula Patton, is Rachel still dressing you? You should fire her.

Mindy Kaling @mindykaling Oh please Kelsey Grammar, fall off the stage #goldenglobes

Have gotten Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney confused twice tonight. Both hot.

7:38 pm Homeland wins. Christopher loves.
Debate begins between two members of the group who are still watching House. I have now found the last two people on earth who watch house.
Who did Tina Fey and Amy fuck to get to sit next to each other?

7:42 pm Alex wants to know why there are no cats in the Google Chrome ad.

7:46 pm Christopher: These are all really good scores actually (right before the War Horse comes on).
“I’m sorry I’m French.” Quote of the night.

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas! Their love knows no bounds.

7:51 pm Madonna’s voice is lots of accents. Mary J. Blige is like “Fuck this why did I even bother.

Don’t worry, I just poured red wine on my sock.

7:57 pm Deborah, you should also fire Rachel Zoe.

7:59 pm Everyone is getting played off, even Idris.
Brad Pitt needs to put the cane away. Angelina needs to put away her terrible old lady makeup and dress.

Drinking Moet, like the wealthy they are.

Seth, that joke about your private parts is not good enough for you. “Congratulations. Hi,” Seth says to Michelle. Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself.
“I consider myself a mother first and and actress second.” – Michelle Williams. Would a man ever say that?

@emilynussbaum I consider myself a Tweeter first and a mother second, so I’m rollin’ my eyes.

8:07 pm “Snapshot Stalkers.” I love the 10 o’clock news.

I had no idea Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar were good enough friends to play dueling skirts onstage.

8:10 pm Peter Dinklage: “I haven’t seen Mildred Pierce but I’m sure it’s good.”

I don’t know how people can get upset about the Kardashian’s and not get upset about Jessica Alba (who was styled by Brad Goreski. I know you need the money Brad but ugh).

Nicole, can you sit down in that? Should I be worried? Clive Owen has started with the spraytan. Nicole has to make up his acceptance speech because Woody Allen couldn’t be bothered for winning for Best Screenplay for what was actually a good movie! Blah blah Woody.

Jessica Lange: This award is just a topper on the cake that is my life!

8:30 pm UP ALL NIGHT. Megan Mullaly! Something to look forward to.
Madonna wins. “I grew up watching movies”…in this small British enclave outside of Detriot — Christopher as Madonna.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to people we don’t care about. But, “He’s kind of dreamy on the right” says Christopher.

SLOTAT (Secret Life of the American Teenager) spotting.

8:34 pm Is Dustin Hoffman dying?
The actress from Necessary Roughness was nominated? “My generation” Claire Danes wins so Christopher is happy. You did previously win for My So-Called Life!

The Golden Globes theme song is better if you sing it like scatting.

8:42 pm Emily Blunt rock it.
Why did they cut to Sascha Baron Cohen during Tina Fey’s presentation? Sometimes I think the dudes in the control room are just bored.
Thomas Jane really is a douche. WHATTTT Eric Stonestreet looks (fairly) pissed that he lost to Matt LeBlanc. Could he be more bored?

8:47 pm I think they got Bradley Cooper to present that award because he speaks French.
“I would to thank table 10” – Octavia Spencer

Richard Lawson @rilaws Hate to be this person, but the way Hollywood actors collectively applaud themselves for liking a black person is so uncomfortable.

8:56 pm Morgan…Freeman. Oh god this is going to be dull.
What has he been in?

9:03 pm “I can’t tell you what it feels like…” for a girl? He says in his acceptance speech.
Alex: I have yet to see it be a good year for Latinos. Another L’Oreal comemercial: Irish. Australian. Italian. Truematch. Etc. W3 nudebeige.

9:11 pm Robert Downey Jr. for shame! That penguin tux. Christopher: Rumor has it, no longer sober.
“Daring euphoric golden globe best film motion picture for best comedy.”
So he’d never won the oscar and now he’s won the oscar and he’ll never stop winning re: Marty.

I wonder who was responsible for making sure Ricky had decreasing amounts of liquor in that cup.
Wow it’s taken this long to mention either Glee or Modern Family. I didn’t know how good I had it
Phil is wearing a white jacket though! Christopher: I wore a white jacket to my prom. It did not look good. The dude told me I’d look like Frank Sinatra.
Julie Bowen and Sophia Vergara do really hate each other. Julie’s just mad she looks like Glinda.

“Up next, Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel.” Oh good, I can take my nap then.

WAIT RYAN GOSLING IS NOT THERE. “Hey girl, sorry I couldn’t attend.”
Hello hello hello we are so French say the people from The Artist. “I’m French too!” Maybe he’s the French Jon Hamm.

“Just the right amount of wrong.” I really enjoy these commercials.

9:35 pm Meryl looks like she might die. Took off her glasses just in time for this award. Does Meryl get a teleprompter for her speech? David Fincher does not want to go up and give Meryl her glasses! No music for Meryl! God = Harvey Weinstein.

9:41 pm Remember Natalie’s terrible speeches last year? Glad we won’t get a repeat of that.

9:48 pm Wow Natalie wanted to get off that stage and back to tending to her dress.
George Clooney has officially made me not like him anymore. Congratulations.
Christopher congratulates Michael Fassbender on his “mega-peen.”

If my mom could have her way, she’d be a combo of Diane Keaton, Meryl and Jane Fonda.

9:54 pm If you didn’t know from the music, The Descendants takes place in Hawaii.

The Golden Globes literally just ended with Alexander Payne thanking my Uncle John! Gotta rep the lawyers. This is how Tilda Swinton feels about that:

And we’ll leave you with this photo, where you can determine for yourself if Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy look alike.

This Hotel Is Too Cheap To Have E!: The Emmys, With Mom

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6:23 pm: We’re in a rockin’ Best Western and and apparently Fox and the Emmys are taking steps to go green with a solar paneled red carpet?
Never mind. Alan Cumming asks why girls have to have all the fun? Good question.

Also my mom wants to know if her “lame comments” will be included. Yes.

6:28 pm: Fox is such a lowbrow affair, even with our good friend Nancy whatshername doing celeb interviews.
Vanessa Marano aka Bey from Switched at Birth is maybe more charming in real life? She just made an ASL sex joke.

6:35 pm: Who IS this dude with the announcer voice? He seems both pleased and out of place. But he’s better than British lady and her Justin Theroux-esque sidekick.

7:41 pm: I’m excited I just got to see the first trailer for Dolphin Tale. I actually wondered if that movie was real.
For some reason it’s this season that I’m most reminded that Fox is reaping the rewards of the Emmys with all this advertising for fall tv.

Sophia Vergara is Columbian, did you know?
Rob Lowe and family are klinging to each other for dear life.

7:44 pm: Nancy and Kate Winslet rocking the red. Remember when the British tabloids stalked her for being fat?
Mark! His name is Mark, and he’s fumbling over Timothy Olphant and his sexy factor. Olphant is going lightly grey it’s a good look. They’re giving Mark little screen time, and with good notice – he’s terrible.

7:50 pm: Greg Kinnear here, reminding us that The Kennedy’s got nominated for things.
Laura Linneay kind of looks like she actually has cancer. Face/hair good, rest is just a long black shirt.
LL Cool J wearing an “applejack hat.” Now we know what these are called. His favorite show is about gator hunting.

Oh dear god! I love Melissa McCarthy’s color, but the patchwork seams are terrible. She’s really just been nominated for Bridesmaids for Mike and Molly, we all know.

8:05 pm: This intro is actually something. I wish all of tv lived in the same building.I do not wish that every award show would keep doing this retro intro thing is the thing these days.
Mom: What is Jane Lynch wearing? She looks terrible.

I wish I was at finger pistols with Jon Hamm.
They’re taking this a cappella thing FAR. How did they get these stars to agree to this?

8:12 pm: Happy Endings was nominated?! Mom: No, this must be a montage of everything. Nice editing though.
The Jimmys need to step near the mic.

8:16 pm: Julie Bowen wins for Modern Family. Mom says “The boob thing is really bad. She should have worn a turtleneck.

Julianna Marguiles saves the day with a joke about how she’s the funniest person on tv. She is!
Ty Burrell aka Phil wins! The onscreen married couple won omg so cute. He wrote this speech ahead of time, but it was so good and well done.

8:29 pm: So Modern Family is just going to keep rocking hmm. But this director is sexy. Christopher texts me: wtf.
“But most of all, I want to thank my modern family.”

Zooey Deschanel looks like a prom queen gone ary.
The next guy that wins for Modern Family‘s wife just gave the camera the best look! She did it again!
Is no one getting music-ed off? Mom starts doing the Jeopardy theme song.

8:43 pm: Kate: Charlie Sheen is wearing a wig, methinks. Mom says, “Charlie Sheen’s personality looks likes a wig.”

All the ladies getting together on stage. Sisters are doing it for themselves!

Melissa McCarthy thanks a man by saying “you’re like a handsome cheerleader in a suit.”

8:57 pm: Why is Kim K here? Reality tv isn’t just reality?
Let it be known I am not drunk, my cup just ran away from myself. OK MOM?!

9:02 pm: Kaley Cuoco looks so classy.
Why does The Amazing Race always win? No one watches…

9:07 pm: It’s the lots o’ male writers portion of the program.
This Dior commercial with a fake Monroe and Charlize Theron is weirdng me out.
Mom is more upset by the one with Samantha from SATC wearing a muumuu even though she “can’t believe it’s not butter.”

9:14 pm: Mom is groaning at Michael Bolton. But she thinks suits Lonely Island are wearing make it alright.
Kristen Wiig’s boobs are out to play, but they should go home.
Anna Pacquin looks great. Scott Caan is still short.

9:28 pm: Friday Night Lights better win.
It did! Touchdown! Clear eyes full hearts can’t lose!

9:33 pm: What an amazing selection of dramatic women. And why is Archie Panjabi sitting next to House?

Elmore Leonard’s show lady wins. “I love you Gram, even though you killed me.” Her husband is trying not to cry on national tv.

Is Velveeta trying to be Old Spice?

9:43 pm: Just because Martin Scorsese is Martin Scorsese doesn’t mean he’s funny.

However Kelly McDonald has a nice dress on.

I guess he’s a good actor, but I refuse to be into Game of Thrones.

9:53 pm: Anderson Cooper’s fake jersey expose is great.
This category was really like sophie’s choice. But win for Juliana.

9:59 pm: Kyle Chandler = best husband ever.

10:10 pm: Oh the Brits. Downton Abbey wins, KB enjoys.
Of course Maggie Smith isn’t here.

10:18 pm: The shoutouts to the accountants is such a flashback to another age.
The Kennedy’s better hold that win close to the chest.
Mildred Pierce is not feeling good. You can’t win against The Brits.
We’ve hit the “in memoriam” portion of the program. Are these sing off rejects? The dry ice is a nice touch. Mom: also why is this one guy wearing a leather jacket? Didn’t someone tell him to get with the program.

10:33 pm: Canadian Tenors. Let’s plug them, because no one knows who them were.

That’s Guy Pearce’s wife? Remind me what she’s been in.
Mom: Woah he’s a hunk.
Are Gwyneth and Claire Danes in a fight? The camera keeps cutting between them.
Kate Winslet seems to be more confident on the red carpet than now.
Mom: can we just talk about how her cleavage is so much nicer than that first woman’s?

Gloria Vanderbilt looks like she’s been embalmed. Note: she’s 87.

10:49 pm: Mom: I feel like I’ve watched all these shows myself now.
Also this tire commercial- I’m over it.

Mom on The X Factor: sometimes I feel like I’m not part of America.
Modern Family wins again. It’s just so safe, ya know?

I Don’t Answer Your (Tony) Questions

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It’s been awhile since I’ve revealed the gold that is how people find my blog. As usual, this segment is brought to you by Google Search.

I don’t know. I wish I did. Christopher was certainly confused, and if he can’t answer, I most certainly can’t.

Can you clarify? Did you mean the first time, or the second time? Because the first time she spoke, she flubbed her teleprompter lines, and the second time, she cursed and a whole sentence or two was bleeped out because the man hates us.

Next time, please Google more specifically.

The Tony’s Have A Lot Of Gays, Did You Know: Unlive Blog

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7:01 Neil Patrick Harris tells us that this show is “not just for gays anymore.”
Sara: Who choreographs the Tony’s? Do you think they’re really impressed with themselves?
Christopher: I’m sure they think, I’m going to bring my art to the masses.

7:03 Is that Al Pacino in a headband?
Brooke Shields has already fucked up. It wasn’t even funny enough to wait for

Bobby Canavale aka Cupid looks horrible.
This is so low budget.
Christopher: They moved it out of Radio City Music Hall, so it’s in some sort of warehouse somewhere.

7:05 Sara: What is it to have a gay costume?
Christopher: Jim Parsons. Ambiguously gay Jim Parson’s doesn’t know how to react.

7:07 Christopher: Can we pick randomly, having seen none of these, who is going to win?
I wish there was a red carpet for this, I feel like I haven’t prepared with enough judgment.
Christopher: Wait, they are not all first time nominees.
Ellen Barkin wins Best Featured Actress in a play. Performing in A Normal Heart is the most important part of her career, because it has taught her that one person can change the world.
Thank you “you Jewish boy.” That you malatof cocktail. Slim shoulders. Alec Baldwin looks like hes on the edge of his seat while standing.

7:11 It’s Matthew “I’m closeted” Broderick and the dude from Mad Men. He’s between seasons on the show, so he can do whatever he want with his hair, ok Chris?
Daniel Radcliffe can be my shortie any day. This camera that is shooting him dancing from below is awesome.
Christopher thinks it was a questionable decision to have him do the big dance numbers and calls it messy choreography.

7:17
There’s a reason they didn’t televise that win.

[Redacted: Comments on Ben Brantley from unnamed source]

7:22 I just want you guys to know I’m missing the premiere of Ice Loves Coco for this.
Oh my god John Leguizamo’s pants are so poorly tailored. Did you guys you know he’s from Queens and his immigrant parents? JACKSON HEIGHTS. Gag me. This picture of him in his High School yearbook would be funnier if the girl next to him didn’t have the same afro as him.

7:25 Oh dear, John Cryer closeup.
So you’re an alcoholic. Sara: Point of this story — I drink too much.

7:28 Viola davis does not hide her glee that John Benjamin Hickey has also won for A Normal Heart. “It’s cool to be on a list with all these other people — who are they?”
Christopher: I would literally bang him. Kate: I like his glasses.
Let the record show that they cut Hickey off, but not Ellen “sort of famous” Barkin.
Christopher: Oh and he gave a shoutout to AIDS — very nice.

7:32 Just figured out that this is Norman Leo Butz performing from his voice. I hoping he’s just pretending to have packed on the pounds, but Christopher says he was always a little tubs.
They are getting so trigger-happy with the bleeping.
Christopher: I wouldn’t say this song was even remotely catchy.

7:39 E.T.: “New York’s biggest stars sign off on their disgraced congressman.” Us: Why?
Neil Patrick Harris hits us with 30 seconds of Spiderman jokes. Of course, the Julie Taymor joke was the only good one.

We discussed Fraiser at length over dinner, so I’m so pleased to see David Hyde Pierce. We think he has aged well.
Trey Parker is no priest in that suit — it’s sequined.
We’re counting “Partner” shoutouts — it’s been 2 so far. Trey Parker desperately wants to say something.
Christopher: Wait is he gay? Kate: I don’t know, his shirt is.
Why didn’t Ellen Barkin thank Joel Grey?
Christopher’s mother says “Gag” to this win.

7:45 Glad War Horse won, because that clip was amazing to look at. But Christopher says the script is awful.
Sara: Just shut out the woman. Get rid of her.

We’re dancing to minstrel music. Inappropriate?
Christopher: I don’t quite know what this means that this has been done in a minstrel style — this just seems straight camp.

7:53 Christopher: Are cereal makers chefs? Discuss.
There are a lot of visual metaphors in this COPD commercial for Spiriva.

7:57 I like that Angela Lansbury gets her own little notepad. Teleprompters are for chumps.
What a classy broad. Lost, but classy.

Harry Connick Jr. could go die in a hole and we would all be okay. I feel as though he’s a pathetic choice of wet dream for fifty-somethings.

7:59 Nikki M. James is legit SPAZZING over her win for Book of Morman. “Tony, come on over and live with me.” She comes from a long line of bumblebees, everyone.
Stage actresses are horrible.

8:02 Sara asks that Steven Colbert please be funny. He uses the phrase “double-down” so I’m sure we’ll be okay.

8:06 I know Book of Morman is supposed to be really good or something, but I’m unimpressed. Sara is really confused, and also thinks this dude licks his lips too much.
Mutual of Omaha bank tells us that its okay to join a rollerderby team at 30, instead of getting married and having babies.

8:13 Oh so Hugh Jackman is making fun of Neil Patrick Harris — hilarious. Any show you can host, I can host better. REALLY. This is such an obvious medley.
Christopher: The innuendos are not subtle. “You’re the top”?

8:17 Brooke Shields is going to be in The Addams Family? They just bleeped her so bad. That’s two fuck-ups in one show.
Could John Larroquette look more underwhelmed? Oh wait, he almost cried, so we’re in the clear.

8:20 Bono anddddd The Edge. GAG ME. They say, “We used to be famous for being in U2….” All these jokes about Spiderman are really tasteless. They just let them talk endlessly to apologize and get people interested in the show — classy.
Christopher: This sounds like an Evanescence song. There better be some flyinnn soon.
The performance from Spiderman is going to consist of Peter Pan and Mary Jo Watson literally just sitting there and singing. Christopher: I would say that this is the biggest failure of the evening, with this apology introduction for the shit that will follow. His nose looks so smooth. I am literally amazed that he looks like a lady.

8:32 I’m really sad we missed Costume Design. The way that dude was fingering his award looked sexy.
None of us are impressed with Robin Williams.
Sara: I wonder what mormons think of this musical? Or are they not allowed to watch…

8:37 Sister Act performance introduced by Whoopi Goldberg.
Sara: (to Whoopi Goldberg) Get it girl. Get it bag lady.
I will admit that until right now, I had no idea what Sister Act was about. Thanks Whoopi Goldberg.
Christopher: Do you think she gets dressed and acknowledges that she looks crazy, or goes “Yea, I look good”?
Christopher: I like that every church has a gigantic Virgin Mary lording over everything.
Sara: I don’t know what, but I’m enjoying this. Maybe it’s the wine, or I’m just so desperately bored with everything. Oh those crazy black people!

8:44 Christopher: I’ve seen a lot of ads for different flavors of Yoplait, and I’ve never been tempted.

8:46 I’m a little bored of Betty White, I’ll admit. She’s not magic.
Marg Hellenberger looks amazing.

Largest applause thus far has been for this puppet horse. Bad sign?
Patrick Wilson really can’t catch a break, can he?

GAY MARRIAGE GUYS, theater really does(n’t) matter. But A Normal Heart wins for Best Revival of a Play.
Christopher: Larry Kramer is wearing a legitimate snuggie.
“Dearest loving mother…to gay people everywhere, who I love so.” The chosen people = The gays, not the jews now.

Re: this performance of last year’s Memphis — bring in the Children when things are dull.

9:05 Sara thinks that Joel Grey is 80 years old. I think he looks damn good. We are all so pleased with Anything Goes and Cole Porter, as per the usual.

They are both floored: Chris — This is such a good musical. Sara — I have chills. Finally the Tony’s deliver.

9:16 Lookingglass wins Regional Theater!
Vanessa Redgrave and James Earl Jones.
I can’t share the story that Christopher just told, but let it be known, it’s a doozy.
I love how James Earl Jones made like 2 bucks for Star Wars.
Christopher: They’re both such slow talkers.
Who’s she searching for with her eyes?

9:20 I had no idea Christie Brinkley was dying to be a Playboy Bunny. Christopher: Wow, wow. You’re bringing a lot to the table.

9:24 Kelsey Grammer. He’s really a horrendous person, it appears. But Anything Goes wins the Tony Award, so props.

9:28 I love Tyne Daley. The silver hair and the tan skin is contrasting nicely.

9:35 Frances McDormand is wearing glasses and a JEAN JACKET. Not to mention the hair.
Crack. You can say that again.
Sara: Did she just get out of the shower?
Kate: No, she can’t, as she hasn’t washed her hair for a year.
LOOK AT HER WALK OFF STAGE.
Daniel must compose himself before speaking. “Um…”
Are Sutton Foster and Bobby Canavale together? Yes, they just kissed.
“I’ve never been happier in my life….”
She’s getting emotional over her dresser leaving her. “And he’s moving to Cape Cod and I love you SO MUCH!!!!” He (nameless) is apparently “the most talented artist”, but since he’s only defined by his role in Sutton’s life, she gives no plug to perhaps, I don’t know, push his career forward? Also why Cape Cod?
Sara: I don’t know what’s better: homeless person Frances McDormand, or overly emotional Sutton Foster.

9:42 Why are the Weather Girls performing? Also David Letterman’s annoying lackey. But this song has always been pretty sexy (“Absolutely soaking wet,” anyone?).
Christopher: I really love that there is an industry where people like Frances McDormand and Sutton Foster are celebrated for being as crazy as they are.

9:47 Some debates going on over the Ray LaMontagne song “Trouble.” In case you were wondering, it is not “Dog in my ‘scrot.”

9:51 Mother with the Hat sounds like a very different play than it is intended to be…
Jerusalum dude wins — Boeing Boeing was amazing, so props.
This speech about walking through walls is amazing and obviously memorized. Note: It is apparently a poem by Louis Jenkins.
Christopher: That was like a set-up for a Groupon joke that never ended.

9:53 Norbert Leo Lutz wins! I love him! He’s emotional.
Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones’ shoulder bones.
I like to pronounce CAA “Kaaaa, Kaaa.”

Dressers win for the night!

9:58 Chris predicts Book of Mormon. WOAH CHRIS, WOAH. He tells us that “We know what the best musical is, it’s such a waste of time, it’s like taking a hooker to dinner.” Classy.

Trey Parker: “Thank you, this has been really, really cool.”

This Is The Face You Make When Someone Says They’re A Nazi

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So many more at the link.

Christopher gives her Best Actress for the range of emotions that flit across her face in what might be the most awkward two minutes of footage I’ve ever watched.

The Weekend Rundown

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SATURDAY: St. Patrick’s Day Is Only Good For Green Liquids
Preferably ones that are not alcoholic and projectile vomited all over the ground.

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SUNDAY: Daylight Savings Starts, So We’re No Longer Falling Back But It Feels Horrible
This year, I found that the trick with the worse day of the year is to just get up even earlier than usual and get brunch. The brunch staves off the feeling of horror that it was already noon, with a nice cushion of delicious food. The debate still RAGES on over whether this holiday is a hoax or a help (emotionally, energy-wise, etc.) but no matter what we do it so perhaps it’s time to just move on. I will say, however, that it was very poorly publicized this year; I was barely aware of the impending doom! I was told Saturday, in passing! US Gov, this is your doing — get on your shit.

BONUS: Remember when this fountain was orange? Now it’s green.

The 2011 Academy Awards Unlive Blog: THIS IS IT PEOPLE (Never Say Never)

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7:30 Ari: Every person who says they haven’t seen any of the movies nominated has always seen Inception.

James Franco is already winning the Anne vs. James fight of who will be more funny.
Ambien in a Capri Sun?!
James Franco: I loved you in Tron. Maybe it’s not Anne’s fault she gets the worst lines.
Morgan Freeman: And so the naked girl from Love and Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital… don’t even finish this sentence.
Alec Baldwin: You just got Inceptioned!

Delorean?! Was that J.C. Penney placement? (Note: The rest of this broadcast will be J.C. Penney placement).
Christopher: That was the first funny one in twenty years. He reminds us that Rob Lowe hosted?! Let that be expunged from his record.

7:38 Anne: It used to be, you get naked, you get nominated. Not anymore. Not anymore.
Jessie: This is indulgent (with the saying hi to their Moms in the audience). Christopher: And Anne’s mom is miced.

Lesbian jokes. James: Toy Story 3. Anne: Where’s the daddd? I wonder this all the time!

7:42 Tom Hanks and Gone with the Wind. Interesting. One of these things is not like the other. We could reference that this film included the first black person nominated but let’s not notice that.
Look at Tom Hanks against Titanic.
Art Direction, so we’re starting off with the little guys. Alice and Wonderland, which is fifth in highest grossing movies of all time. Seriously. These dudes are so nervous in their speech that they put a hat on  their Oscar.
Chris says Cinematography is contentious, because True Grit should win, but Inception wins.
Ari: Put your glasses on or off sir. “None of this would be possible without my master Christopher Nolan.” Gotta Union shout-out.

7:51 Kirk Douglas is here. Show other old people. James Franco looks much better “out of the cave.” Says to Anne Hathaway, “where were you when I was making pictures?”
Mom: Kirk Douglas has had too much plastic surgery. It’s true that he can’t really move his face. Remember when he was in Spartacus and Cher from Clueless didn’t realize that Christian liked him because he was a gay?

Best Supporting Actress. Ari: I have not seen the movie but Hailee Steinfeld should win.
Kirk: Hugh Jackman is laughing. I don’t know why everyone in Australia thinks I’m funny. Colin Firth is not laughing.
Julia: He’s a serious man.
Melissa Leo wins, which means I was wrong and her campaign to win actually worked, or at least didn’t work against her.  She gives us almost a crotch shot. Amy Adams wishes she had won too, just in case Melissa forgets that she said that Amy should win. Her shock feels so pretend to me. Kirk: You’re much more beautiful than you were in The Fighter. Are you saying white trash isn’t pretty Kirk? Thanks Amy “my sweet sister” Adams.
Mom: This is painful. We almost got a fuck! She’s so passive aggressively angry her beautiful son is not here but is instead jetting around the world like the youthful, unappreciative world-traveler that he is.
Ari: I like that her dress is reflecting on her face. Thank you to the academy because it is about SELLING MOTION PICTURES, AND REFLECTING THE WORK!
Christopher: She is out to lunch.

8:00 Sara: Stop touching your stomach, Anne.
Mom: James Franco looks underwhelmed, or over.
Kate: He’s the right kind of whelmed.
JT says, “I’m Banksy.” We laugh, a lot. Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing, but is upstaged by JT pretending to pull a Kirk Douglas and go into a diatribe before reading the award. Only old people get away with stunts like that.

Christopher is wearing a wifebeater. That is all. It is getting HOT IN HERRRE.
And Best Animated Picture goes to duh, Toy Story 3.  I like it when they look up and thank dead people. It’d be funnier if they looked down.

8:12 Hey remember when Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin were in that super depressed movie No Country For Old Men? Forget about it, because they look like cater-waiters right now:

Aaron Sorkin wins Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. He’s such a dork and talks that way. “Roxie Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award, I’m going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig.”
The King’s Speech and David Seidler win for Best Original Screenplay.
Aaron: How can you write a movie, and then win an Oscar?
Seidler says, “The writer’s speech, this is difficult. My father always said I would be a late bloomer.”
Jessie: Hahaha you’re old.

8:23 Costume change number 1, but this tuxedo is Anne’s best outfit yet.
James has good arms.
Helen Mirren looks like a DAMN. Get it, cause she’s a dame?

Mom: What a bod.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to In A Better World. Fucking Denmark. I like that blue of this ladies dress though.

8:29 Supporting Actor with Reese. I’d support her Actor. Mo’Nique must have passed on this.
Sperm is worth nothing. Discuss.
Christian Bale wins duhh. This is so predictable. He says, “Bloody hell”, so maybe he agrees with us. Ari: Wait, am I crazy, or is he not American?
He plugs Dickey. Wow. They must be besties.
Mark Wahlberg’s wife is the one I thought was Cameron Diaz guys! Stop sounding the alarms, the case is closed.
Aaron: He’s listing what sounds like a good group of friends…Boomer…Carlos.
Re: His wife, Bale says, “She’s my mast, though the storms of life. I hope I’m likewise to you.”

8:38 Oh Anne. Rachel Zoe must have really had a field day with this one.
Kate: Crazy, back in the day things were different. Oh, we’ve hit sound and technical awards.
Cool we get to see the orchestra!
Ari: This must have been a nightmare to tech!
Original Score. Kate: I want to train my dragon; it sounds so dirty or something.
Trent! and The Social Network.
Ari: I wish I could go back to 8th grade and say to Nick Krazny, “The Guy you idolize is going to win an Academy Award.” Aaron: For a movie about…the internet.

8:45 Scarlett, you’re funny. Where are Brad and Angelina up in this biz, I notice with the first mention of Salt. Jessie: Raising their children with x’s in their names.
Lesbians! Win for Inception and Sound Mixing.
Thanks the “…Union, of course.” And also “Of course, the mighty Christopher Nolan.” He must require everyone to say this.
Sound Editing. “Mmhm” says shirtless man Matt who is overly tanned and in that movie about the Lincoln Lawyer, which is not a period film about Lincoln and his legal troubles but about an unconventional lawyer who conducts business from his towncar.
Aaron: I wonder what the percentage is on these awards being nominated in pairs?
“I owe this a thousand percent to Chris Nolan.” Jessie: I think this is their way of being like, F U, for Chris Nolan.

8:53 Christopher: He’s so weird looking.
NERD AWARDS with Marisa Tomei. James: All right, congratulations nerds. He is WINNING this thing. His Twitter feed is too.
I thought Katherine Hepburn and Bob Dylan were magically going to be on the stage at the same time, but it’s just Cate Blanchett presenting.
Nathan: Cate Blanchett looks like she’s magically got Dip ‘n’ Dots on her dress.
Make-up. This is such a weak category this season. “That’s gross,” says Cate to the last shot. The Wolfman wins.
To the bud on the right, Christopher says, “Dye your mustache if you’re not going to dye anything else.”
“It was always my ambition to lose an Oscar one day to Rick Baker. This is better.”
Alice and Wonderland wins for Costume Design. Surprise! Ugh I just wanted to see the woman who dressed Tilda impeccably up there. Helena Bonham Carter look confused on whether she should get up. Sweetie, you shouldn’t.
Stiff read award. But they clap? Very nice gloves. Ari: She’s a costume designer.

Aaron: Barack Obama just destroyed everyone.

9:03 Randy Newman you’re so weird. Aaron: God I love this mutherfucker, look at him.
Tangled! Marchesa dress, Mandy Moore? This is too cute.
Francesca: CHUCK?
Kate: Oh my god guys I’m really emotional right now. Who knew Zach Levi had this good a voice? I mean, I saw the film and all, but this is too much.

Ari: This Stella Artois Adrien Brody commercial sucks.

9:11 “Wow what a great year for docs….” Was it?  Strangers No More wins for Short Doc.
Mom: I also have never seen these people. OMG it’s the usual bleeding heart doc speech. Of course, thank HBO’s Shelia Nevins. Buddy Squires cinematographer. I can’t take it. Too precious. (She’s overwhelmed, in case you can’t tell.)
Kate won this round (Best Live Action Short Doc)! I liked the title: God of Love. Woah, this dude should have got a haircut and knows it! He thanks “NYU’s Graduate Film Program. The rest of the crew which I’ll thank on the thank you cam after. Finally my mother who did craft services for the film. My dad, the great state of Delaware.” Best speech of the night?
So much fringe on Anne! Rachel Zoe is so pleased.

What is this Harry Potter remix? Who cares, because You know what’s cool? A BILLION dollars.

“He Doesn’t Own A Shirt” For Twilight. I seriously have no idea what this is but I’m into it.
Mom: This show is too creative for its own good.

9:19 Oprah, looking bangalanging. “What if Oprah is Banksy?”
Inside Job, the we hate capitalism movie, wins for Best Documentary Feature, which means Kate wins, let’s all be happy.
She looks happy. Documentary dude makes it political. He also says,”Let the record show, I’m not wearing jeans.” I predict that this was a big fight with his wife before he left the house.

9:24 David Carr and A.O. Scott are sharing chips that did not come from a Brooklyn co-op. Props NYTimes liveblog, for further letting me dream that they hang out like this in real life.

9:26 Billy Crystal, finally. Get off the stage Anne. She’s just too eager.
Let’s look back to the good old days! It’s a little sad they have to rest on Bob Hope performing like fifty years ago for this show to be funny.

9:31 Nathan: Jude’s hair is going. Kate: His hair is gone. It’s not going anywhere.
Special Effects goes to Inception, duh. Boring. Jude and RDJr. look bored too. I wonder how much they are actually bros.
Film Editing, my favorite category. The Social Network wins! Their first nomination was for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Good thing that they made that movie slightly better than the horror it would have been.

9:41How to Train Your Dragon, that’s disgusting” says James. We are ONE MIND.
Florence (and the Machine). Christopher: She does look Trans.
GWENETH. She’s an actress not a singer, so she does not know what to do during her performance.
Ari: Pop pop! Randy Newman wins, duh.
Randy Newman: I don’t want to thank these people. I want to be good television, as you can see.

9:52 In Memoriam with Celine Dion.
Nice “Stormy Weather” reference with Lena Horne.

10:01 Hilary, who will never win again, Swank.
Best Director. I really like Katherine Bigelow’s dress. Kate: She just turned down Spiderman. Aaron: Hilary Swank? Jessie: Hilary Swank, cast as Spiderman.
Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech! Upset! Christopher picked it though. He references “The triangle of man-love” that made up this film. Jessie wants to be in that triangle. Sean: I call shoddy.
He notes there have been a lot of mom thanks, but his is different. Hilary’s face says “Aww what a fun story!” in the back.
“And the moral of the story is: Listen to your mother.”

10:05 Annette Bening’s dress is weird.
Hey remember when Eli Wollach won a very similar Lifetime Achievement award in The Holiday? This looks like a fun party.
Ari: Old men at the Oscars is my favorite thing. Jessie: Especially when dumb bitches steal their canes.
Aaron: Look at that tie! Why is Francis Ford Coppola such a swag monster?

10:11 James is so pleased with himself.
Jeff Bridges is here to discuss Best Actress. They always talk to these people on a first name basis here, which I find weirdly personal. Annette Bening just winked and went “Mwah” at the camera. It pans to Nicole Kidman but we’re more interested in Andrew Garfield who looks FIERCE in the back.
Darren “Pedostache” Arronosfky lurking behind Jennifer Lawrence. She’s like “Of all the clips to pick!” when they show this super weird depressing one of her in Winter’s Bone.
Nathan: But Natalie Portman, you’re horrible in Star Wars. And she wins. And kisses Millipede, who helps her on stage.
Aaron: But what if this kid is a fuck-up?
Ari: This kid is the new Maddox Jolie….Every child actor wants to be their Natalie Portman.
She says that her husband “has now given me the most important role of my life”…being a mama.
Alex: Well she had to thank everyone. Thanks camera man, my make-up artist, the guy who held the door for me yesterday, and the barista who gives me extra caramel.

10:19 Sandra’s nostrils look like she does coke. Says to Javier Bardem, “When you won your Oscar for No Country For Old Men, you managed to inspire a whole country with just a haircut.”
Sandra asks “the dude” if he would give this award to someone else because he does not deserve to win two years in a row.
Then we get a shot of JT and Jesse Eisenberg. This is such a great tableau.
Colin Firth, go home, says Sandra. But he wins Best Actor! “I have a feeling my career’s just peaked.”
He’s SO DRY — “When I was a child sensation.” Thanks Tom Ford; Chris and I groove. “Olivia, for putting up with my fleeting delusions of royalty…Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some impulses I’m going to give in to backstage.” This sounds dirty, but he just means dancing.
Jessie is worried that P.S. 22 is going to be sleepy. I’m worried that they’re missing school.

10:31 Anne, tone it down. She’s worn that dress before.

The montage of all the movies nominated for Best Picture was weird, but very well-edited and set to a speech from The King’s Speech. Of course that wins, and the Brit’s take everything.
Helena seems to indicate that Tom Hooper’s on the opposite side of the stage than where the producer’s think he is. Oh producers.
Emily: I like his hair. Kate: Very well tended.
Jessie (re: James): Someone already started drinking.

P.S. 22 did not get to practice a lot I believe, they are running all over the place.
And then all the winners come out on stage? So weird.
Jessie: Wizard of Oz. We’ve reached Oz.
Francesca: Glad like four women won tonight.
Alex: I’m hoping for District 9 To come through and collect what it deserved last year.

FINAL COUNTDOWN: It was an amazing race to the death, with Blake winning again! With 18 correct answers (does he have an inside man at the academy) Christopher coming in at 16, and Francesca in third place with 15. Emily was next with 12, Jessie/Sean at 10 because obviously they needed to vote together, and Kate sadly came in last at 7 but only because she desperately wanted some upsets, people. We’ll never know how KB did because she bailed and did not fill out her ballot but Blake: It’s time. Take over SGST for a day (maybe two now). Your public awaits.

There Might Be Nipple: The Red Carpet Of The Academy Awards, 2011

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5:02 Jennifer Lawrence looks amazing, though this above shot makes it look as though she’s wearing a girdle.

Emily: Calvin Klein predicted successfully! Apparently, she’ll be filling in for KB on these excellent designer predictions.
Guliana Rancic has Lady Gaga shoulders aka those alien things.

5:12 Melissa Leo’s hair looks a little casual. It’s a really similar shape to her Golden Globes outfit.
Mila Kunis and nipple? She looks amazing.

5:16 Ryan to Arnie Hammer: Did you ever wonder why they didn’t just cast twins? Duh Ryan do your homework — they did try to do that!
Venus commercials make me like J.Lo. She looks so relatable, running around with her children. Who knew.

5:23 Hailee Steinfeld looks like a fairy princess. Christina: She looks like Princess Barbie. Sean: She looks like Anne Hathaway. It’s one of a kind Marchesa that she helped design. She is 14, ladies and gentleman. I would post a picture of what I looked like a 14, except we saw that a few days ago, and it was super emo and frizzy.

In response to some stupid question Ryan Seacrest Hailee says “My parents have raised me to be, what I am.” Well said.

Florence kind of wore that dress to the Grammys.

We get cut to Michelle Williams and Busy Phillips coming in together holding hands! Are they friends? Lesbian lovers? Either will do. I love this.

Mandy Moore’s dress is like one with her skin. Emily: She looks like such a grown-up.

She looks particularly grown-up in this picture.

Christina: This Old Navy commercial is aimed at girl who like their ankles. Sean: Girls who don’t have cankles.

5:32 Russell Brand’s mother’s name is Babs.

Michelle Williams looks amazing. An amazing statue.

In the background, we have Mandy Moore, Busy Phillips and Michelle Williams all shaking hands. STOP TALKING GIULIANA I need this.

5:35 Why is Michelle Williams talking so weird? She’s not giving very long answers. So curt.
Maybe she got caps on her teeth, or is on Valium for nerves. RUMOR MILL, right here in this living room.

5:39 Amy Adams says, “Well Ryan, it’s not that hard for me to find the fiestiness.”
She says hello to her daughter. Why does she have a necklace over this jeweled dress it looks ridiculous.

I love these overhead shots of people entering. They look so much more casual.
OMG it’s Zach Levi! I just clapped.

RE: Previously seen Venus commercial, Christina says “My favorite is when they are shaving themselves in the shower but they aren’t actually shaving anything.” Emily seems astounded by this life-altering observation.

5:50 Sean: Hailee Steinfeld is the younger version of Mandy Moore.

Mark Ruffalo’s ladyfriend looks very severe. Sean: She looks like Patricia Arquette.
Jennifer Hudson’s ponytail looks weird.
Jesse Eisenberg! OMG OMG OMG. Jessie: I guess I’m confused because he’s too nerdy for me…and I’m going to let that sentence finish itself.

5:53 We get to Geoffrey Rush’s bald head! It’s awesome.
Cate Blanchett. Kate: It’s like a show is going to happen where her boobs are but the curtain has to be lifted. Sean: It’s like a baby threw up on her shoulders.

5:56 Ryan to Jennifer Hudson: You love to get dressed up and you love to put things on, especially now with this new body. NONONONONO.

5:59 Scarlett Johansson looks so cool. Her hair is a little casual.

You can’t see the back in this, but it’s really nice.

ADVICE OF THE NIGHT: Kevin Spacey: Just have fun and find the bar as soon as possible.

Marisa Tomei looks not so good. Christina: It’s like a really fluffy dust ruffle. We find out later it’s vintage, which is nice.

6:01 JT with his mom.
Christopher tells us that Giuliana works out in the Gold Coast in the Chi.
Kelly Osbourne’s “Glamastrator” just circled Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. Inapprop. Christopher: This is why you can’t do the red carpet for two hours.
My mom just chatted me “OMG Tim Gunn.” I guess we’re changing to channel 7?

Christina: It’s so good that Giuliana and Kelly are not being allowed to interview people.

6:06 Jesse Eisenberg was on Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me yesterday, according to Sara. Must listen in. We’ve switched to Channel 7 upon the prompting of my mom.
Mom: Oh there’s Jesse Eisenberg. He’s just like in the movie. (She means awkward).
Jesse Eisenberg says, “I enjoy watching you in person” to Robin Wright. He doesn’t have a TV.

6:11 Oh my god Sharon. Sara: Y’all, she looks good though.

This picture is PERFECT for her.

Giuliana made a really awk joke about how Jessica Biel must be pissed that she’s not there and JT’s mom is. “I want to be on that red carpet!”

6:22 Hilary Swank is wearing glitter and feathers. Not only have I seen this before, I’m not sure that I like it.
Steven Spielberg’s daughter is here. She says, that”Yah (she’s) 14. This is pretty amazing.” We’ve got a real 14 year old now, none of this super-poised Hailee Steinfeld shit.

6:26 I stepped away for a second and look whose here! Hugh Jackman, wife, Halle Berry holding her breasts in, Sandra Bullock.

6:28 Javier Bardem looks chubbs. Penelope Cruz too, and we’re being reminded she had a baby like, yesterday. If I didn’t remember that, her boobs are telling me.
Reese Witherspoon is here! Debate over her, but I love her. It’s so 60s. Look at her ponytail. Julia Roberts Valentino homage, apparently. It’s Armani Privé though, so not really.

Nicole Kidman. Giuliana says, “Be honest Kelly.” Kelly doesn’t know what to say. I say FUG.

6:34 Sara: Oh Gweneth. Space suit. Calvin Klein. It has a weird flower, and her hair is so so blonde.

6:38 Is that Cameron Diaz? No it’s just a rando. Christian Bale says “They know I’m a stubborn git” re: his family.
Christopher: All these women are coming alone.

Sandra Bullock’s dress is kinda boring. She says the last time she presented she was on two hours sleep because she had a baby that no one knew she had. Her dress is Vera Wang, it’s really structured.

Giuliana: I love how you refer to her as Sandy, Ryan. Emily: You should worry when you and Giuliana have the same thought.

6:44 Oh Robert, do me. He is wearing a white tie.
Mom: Wow. I just heard Beatty. He sounded like he had Alzheimers. He wasn’t tracking at all. 73. He isn’t as sharp as Nana.
I wonder if the fact that J.Lo is in so many ads is because she hasn’t sold an album in so many years that she needs money. Sean: Also, endorsement deals that come with American Idol.

6:48 Anne Hathaway and Tim Gunn. Her dress is red carpet red and has all this crazy train stuff.
It’s so interesting how the lighting on channel 7 is so different from E!, mostly because they’re not pandering to the celebs to make them so snazzy.

6:52 I feel like Reese is in Playboy After Dark.
Sara: Look at RDJr’s hand on the wife’s butt.
Aaron thinks Reese’s hair looks like a yellow waterfall.

6:56 Natalie is so pregnant. She looks a little tired. Christopher: The hair at the end…isn’t cut. Kate: Get a trim, you have split ends. The clip in the back is so gross.

7:00 E! has stop broadcasting because of the Kardashian’s, so we’re permanently on ABC.

Tim Gunn says he’s with the “superbly svelt Jennifer Hudson.”
Natalie Portman’s dress changed colors. It got so much more purple. She still looks so hormonal and nervous.

7:04 I love how understated this lady is in her crazy quiet room interviewing celebrities.

7:07 Melissa Menounos asks Sandra Bullock if “motherhood changed your approach to acting?” Christopher: I nurse my co-stars.

7:12 Winter’s Bone gets a Modern Family shout-out with a well-timed shot of Claire and Phil caught in bed. Get it? WINTER’S BONEEE?!

Aaron: Is every man at the Oscars short? Or is every woman tall? Kate: Both

Amazing shot of Robin Wright and Tom Hanks from the stage looking out onto the audience. This makes me appreciate how nervous they must be talking to all these people. Oh famous people. Such is the life.

Images via Getty.

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