Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Starlets Get Awkward About Jokes Involving People That May Employ Them At One Point Or Another

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These starlets are pretty bummed that IFC televised an awards show they could usually have fun at without worrying about sabotaging their careers.

I’m sorry, was Anna Kendrick in Drive? Or does she just not want to clap because she, like everyone else, wants to sleep with Ryan Gosling and is desperately afraid of blowing her chances?

Kristen Dunst is well-acquainted with how to be awkward when people are saying things she doesn’t know what to do with.

Oh wait, but Patricia Clarkson don’t give a FUCK if anyone sees what she thinks of Chris Brown.

Yes, Let’s Have Chris Brown Perform After Whitney Houston Dies: The Grammys 2012

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7:00 pm Well, at least the show is off to an okay start with Bruce.

Everyone gets strings behind them when they’re old, even the Boss.

7:04 pm Oh, there’s Gaga.
I’d get drunk if I drank everytime LL licked his lips. It must be because of “the Heavenly Father.” They’re so lucky that he was set to be host already. “You know, life consists of joys and sorrows,” LL tells us
Christopher is probably happy, they’re playing Whitney’s 1991 Grammy performance.
“Sir O.G. Paul McCartney.” #thingsthatLLsaid #grammys

7:16 pm NO NO NO FOO.
HIMYM proves that even Kal Penn is looking for love.

7:20 pm BONNIE RAITT. Thank you for remembering Etta. Alicia: Uh huhh. Let’s do it. She also makes an “At Last” joke. I get it Alicia. I see what you just did there. Bonnie Raitt’s like, when can I get the fuck out of there.

Adele thanks her doctors. Alicia Keyes is like, hey remember when I won 5 Grammys? Like that’s not happening again.
Aaron: Chris Brown is like if Usher was evil.
Alberto: So I’m getting the same thing as at the Super Bowl, where the set is more interesting than the performance.
No audience shots. Interesting.

7:35 pm Grammy winners Fergie and Mark Anthony. Terrible.
Guys, electronica has had a really good influence on rap and making it tangible for the masses.
Alberto: Reba is starting to look like Dana Carvey’s Ross Perot.
Aaron: Kelly Clarkson’s tattoo (a puzzle piece) is Justin Guarini.

7:46 pm So Foo performed. In another venue so everyone at the Grammys could go to the bathroom and we wouldn’t be “bored.”
(Unrelated) Jessie: Thanks for bringing your dip y’all.
Mastercard: The courage to be old and sexy.

This commercial is like the CTA every morning.

Aaron: My brother uses Coldplay as an adjective to describe things he doesn’t like.

7:56 pm Kate: What corner of the room is Rihanna in? Aaron: A hopeless corner.
Kate: I would go to a concert that was just this song for an hour and a half. Jessie: You mean you getting ready every Friday night?
Alberto: She better watch it, she’s getting an MC Hammer number of dancers.

More Coldplay. I wish Gwyneth was here and not like at home with a $1000 face mask on.
Coldplay and Rihanna have Tangled behind them.
All I’ve learned is that Chris Martin did a bad job shaving this morning.

Chipotle commercial. Willie Nelson Coldplay cover. Discuss.

8:09 pm Literally everyone is like, why are you here NCIS girl who is drunk.
[FOO WINS. SILENCE.]

8:16 pm So Ryan Seacrest owns the Grammys, and is owning this with his presence.
Look how square Foster the People are. Jessie: The bassist is having a good time. He’s like, look at this pleat in my pants.

#ladygagadancingtothebeachboys

8:31 pm It’s like LL is ready to be on the runway.
Sir Paul McCartney has become Burt Bacharach. And they didn’t cut to Diana Krall once. He’s proof that a standing O is just peer pressure.

8:36 pm Chris Brown: I’ve got to thank the Grammys for letting me get on this stage. Let me now rush off as quickly as possible.

8:40 pm Taylor is not playing the banjo right now. She’s instead sitting against the set of Le Mis and Urinetown.
Jessie: She’s such a next-door hottie.
This is so that scene in Freaky Friday where the mom plays for the daughter off-stage because the mom who everyone thinks is the daughter has to fake-play guitar.
Bonnie Raitt is not having Taylor’s “They like me! They really like me!” routine.

8:51 pm ADELE. Songwriters. Etc.
Jessie: Kate Beckinsale, Jennifer Connelly, the same.

8:54 pm Oh has Katy Perry decided to promote a new album, 2 years later?
I don’t know who was like, yeah, show off your love handles Katy Perry, that’s sexy. But oh HELLO guitarist.
“Now look at me I’m sparkling….You will never put me out again/I’m glowing.” This new single is a clear dig to Russell Brand, gossip columns will cry out Monday morning.
Like, that was controversial to me, that performance.

8:57 pm I think Miranda and Blake are getting divorced. I can only pray as much, then their marriage won’t be forced down my throats.
Lady Antebellum is just the worst. It’s upsetting how much more upset I get about the decline of country music in America than any other kind.

9:05 pm Wow Gwyneth and Chris Martin are in the same room. Who knew.

Adele = flawless. Just stop smoking, I worry. AND she looks like she’s having fun.

9:16 pm Survivor commercial: Swimsuit photographer?

When did country become ok with men with skinny jeans, mullets and v-necks?
Jessie: Hey, there’s someone actually playing the banjo.

9:23 pm Paul McCartney and his ilk are literally the only ones old enough to cut to during this Glen Campbell performance.
Jessie: Look at these women sitting down and texting.

9:23 pm Carrie Underwood is such a pageant queen. I also find Tony Bennett one of the most overrated performers in American history. This is too Vegas and not enough Jazz.
It’s like some of these people got scalped tickets to sit under the benches and look up people’s skirts.

9:34 pm Bon Iver: It’s hard for me to accept this award because I’m balding and should shave my head. But a legit speech.

Christopher: Music. You might have heard of it #grammyfoundation

9:39 pm In memoriam, finally.
I just wonder if Whitney had died earlier this year how that would have changed this ceremony. Who is to say that Amy Winehouse or Etta is more or less influential than her?

9:50 pm Every time I see David Guetta I just think about how white he is.

The Grammys are acting like there’s a lack of options when it comes to performers.

9:57 pm I just don’t understand why we have to watch all these special features. They’re usually on a separate DVD.

10:03 pm DRAKKKKEEEE.

10:05 pm NICKI AND DRAKE.


Breakdancing priests, you don’t see that everyday. Jessie: Sexy lady-cardinals.
Room: Wow.

10:10 pm Oh it’s the I’m-a-little-wasted-but-I’d-love-a-booty-call-Band.
“No surprise” “Rolling in the Deep”, Adele. Let’s not editorialize too much boys. She just thumbs’ upped the audience.

10:16 pm It’s Unforgettable how bad Poppy Montgomery’s fake red hair is.
Diana Ross and Lifetime Achievement Award. She would be the best camp counselor.

Album of the Year. Adele. Duh.
Jessie: Welcome. Welcome to America.
She looks like a crazy housewife, but it’s cool. “Mom, Gold is good!” And: “This record is inspired by something that everyone has been through, which is a rubbish relationship.”

I’m signing off now because I cannot handle another Paul McCartney performance, and neither can my peers. PEACE.

If You Need A Tonic

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For this:

“Nice ass. Nice waist. And you know I won’t forget about your face.”

Try this:

The Night They Tried To Make Jessie J Happen: The VMA’s Unlive Blog 2011

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The show hasn’t even started, and I’ve already confused Quddus with Sway. How can there be two people working for MTV with such ridiculous names?
7:56 The pre show is still going, but — Britney spears! A chorus of “She looks good!”‘s ring out in the room. Her mic is not on.
Jared Leto has lived nine lives.

8:01 Lady Gaga is presenting some sort of transgender art piece. The crowd cheers over it. Katy Perry’s frozen face says “What IS this?” Britney’s jaw is down. This is perhaps subpar stand-up?
GAGA/FAKE GAGA says something along the lines of “She covers her face, like she can’t STAND to have one honest moment watching?” I’m not sure any show can ever be a tribute to anyone ever again when Lady Gaga just takes them over.

8:05 Bieber is unfazed and is a baby dyke. Everyone in the audience looks pretty confused. All it took was a combo Elvis/Bruce Springsteen performance to make it happen.
Sammy and Ronnie are sitting next to each other. This provokes an “Aww” in the room that DID NOT COME FROM ME.

That shit started off weird. Kevin Hart on Lady Gaga: “It got a little masculine, but then it came around.” Did it? To where?

8:13 Jonah Hill is skinny.
I really like Russell Brand’s shirt.
Britney wins. She shrugs shoulders. Katy looks pissed. I mean, you will win nothing. Adele looks quizzical. She’s a little nervous. Jason, cut the hair.

8:17 Bryn admits she spent money to see Kreayshawn in Chicago. Apparently, our talented Oakland rapper did “Gucci Gucci” twice in a row.
She also tells us that Britney Spears songs will be performed by other performers as an homage tonight (NOTE: THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. WHYYYY).

8:23 Kanye is wearing all jean and it is either tie-dyed or acid washed. Good. Bryn calls it Mark Rothko.
An overzealous fan is taken off the stage.
Best Rock Band — Bryn: What is this category? Kate: Music no one listens to anymore.

8:28 Beyonce is pregnant?! I’m so confused about when this has happened because this isn’t live so how did they keep it a secret? Does everyone sign a confidentiality agreement?

8:35 Jessie and I agree the stage is that of a lady. And her parts.
Will Ferrell, Jack Black etc. team up in some sort of dance off against people I’ve already forgtten. Black people are better dancers than white people, guys — Hilarious. Jessie: I’m pretty sure this is my 9th grade homecoming skit.
Nicki Minaj! Her man has champagne for his real friends. As she thanks Lil’ Wayne, who doffs his cap. Well done sir.

8:39 Jessie J wants it so bad. Jessie: Vevo pushes her so bad.
She sitting down and has a broken leg with a bejeweled cast. Jesie + Kate: That is so lame.

8:47 Kanye West and Katy Perry won for an song off of an album I will remind you came out a YEAR AND A HALF AGO.
Paul Rudd and someone I’ve forgotten already. But My Idiot Brother was good guys. Bryn: Always good to have co-presenters with zero chemistry.
Kim K is so bored. Jessie thinks she looks like Cher. Jessie: Is he bald (re: Pitbull)? Oh I thought that was Eminem.
This is really trippy. This is like Tron. Is it just me or is Pitbull really nerdy? He’s like a dad up there. Kate: He is a Dad.
Jessie: He has a stuffed crotch. He may have suffered a bad snake bite.

Kate: I like his red pants/Seersucker shirt/White jacket. He’s singing with a fake Sophia Vergara in what appears to be a bodysuit like the ones Jennifer Lopez has tried to make happen this year.

8:58 Jessie: Wait, Adele is up for VIDEO of the year? Kate: It is the video music awards… Jessie: Oh fuck. I do like this video.
She has some spirit fingers going on, and very long dagger nails.

9:04 Jessie J aka our resident DJ covers “Firework.” But of course, we can’t see Katy Perry’s gritted teeth. Curse you producers.

9:10 Kim K is not good at reading a teleprompter.
Bieber thanks not only God but Jesus. Jessie notes that Mary Magdalene was not thanked, “That whore.”

9:14 Bryn suggests that every time Chris Brown performs we pretend it’s Taio Cruz. Why is Kanye standing for him? Constant vigilance, or respect for his fellow man?
Chris Brown’s dancers have duct tape-like masks on their faces. Jessie: It’s SARS.

9:18 Sean: Left Eye just rolled over in her grave at this TLC “No Scrubs” cover Jessie J is doing. Kate: I mean, it’s rough to have your bejeweled leg cast distracting you from your singing.

9:22 Footloose trailer. Dennis Quaid, how far the mighty have fallen.

9:24 Britney is all like, hey thanks guys! She’s crying to Lady Gaga saying, “I used to touch myself to you.” But are they tears of joy or laughter? I’m hoping there will be a video retrospective. I love a good retrospective! Will we get to see one?

9:28 Gaga and Britney kiss like I knew they would. But Britney says, “I did that already” and won’t go in for the makeout. Britney is so uncomfortable. THIS IS PERFORMANCE ART GAGA.

9:31 Beyonce is such a class act and is not lipsynching obviously. And they’re doing the Jackson 5 dance. Aww.

9:34 THE JOY AT BEYONCE. IT CANNOT BE MUTED. KANYE AND JAY HUGGING. LADY G AND TONY BENNETT. “THE LOVE THAT IS GROWING INSIDE OF ME” INDEED. When I have my baby, I’m going to announce the pregnancy this way.

9:50 Jessie on Taylor Swift as a CoverGirl: She’s really smart to be your mascara spokesperson.

9:53 Cloris Leachman forgets her mic because she’s ancient. Amazing. Why couldn’t the Jersey Shore ladies do that?

9:55 Cloris dropped the award and Lady Gaga is still performing. Since when are Kanye and Gaga friends? Since now.

10:05 Russell Brand is maybe sort of inappropriately rambling about Amy Winehouse but she would have approved. Jessie, “LOL British people.” However “the missus” was clearly not influenced by the late artist.

10:09 Bruno Mars does “Valerie.” Jessie: I love him. All four feet of him. He looks so short. Bryn: But so sharp!
Jessie (re Bruno Mars and his dancers): They could all do it, as long as they’re doing that.

This stage is a stunner.

10:18 Hunger Games sneak peak! I’m scared, hold me!

10:21 Katy Perry wins Video of the Year. Remember when women just walked up to the stage normally because they weren’t wearing cube fascinators on their heads?

Jessie: Where is Ke$ha?! At least Katy’s not wearing an outfit that pushes up her boobs. Kate: I think they’re her best feature.

10:23 Drake has a lovely cardigan on as usual.

Also BEYONCE IS PREGNANT is trending in all caps.

10:15 Lil’ Wayne took his shirt off and we’re not going to hear anything else because there will be so many mentions of vagina. Ronnie is on Vinny’s shoulders. I don’t want to leave this with a Jersey Shore reference, so let’s recall that the firts Unlive Blog TM that I ever did was this event a year prior (I think? Internet gods, correct me if this is not the case). And you think Dennis Quaid has fallen far!

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