The show hasn’t even started, and I’ve already confused Quddus with Sway. How can there be two people working for MTV with such ridiculous names?
7:56 The pre show is still going, but — Britney spears! A chorus of “She looks good!”‘s ring out in the room. Her mic is not on.
Jared Leto has lived nine lives.
8:01 Lady Gaga is presenting some sort of transgender art piece. The crowd cheers over it. Katy Perry’s frozen face says “What IS this?” Britney’s jaw is down. This is perhaps subpar stand-up?
GAGA/FAKE GAGA says something along the lines of “She covers her face, like she can’t STAND to have one honest moment watching?” I’m not sure any show can ever be a tribute to anyone ever again when Lady Gaga just takes them over.
8:05 Bieber is unfazed and is a baby dyke. Everyone in the audience looks pretty confused. All it took was a combo Elvis/Bruce Springsteen performance to make it happen.
Sammy and Ronnie are sitting next to each other. This provokes an “Aww” in the room that DID NOT COME FROM ME.
That shit started off weird. Kevin Hart on Lady Gaga: “It got a little masculine, but then it came around.” Did it? To where?
8:13 Jonah Hill is skinny.
I really like Russell Brand’s shirt.
Britney wins. She shrugs shoulders. Katy looks pissed. I mean, you will win nothing. Adele looks quizzical. She’s a little nervous. Jason, cut the hair.
8:17 Bryn admits she spent money to see Kreayshawn in Chicago. Apparently, our talented Oakland rapper did “Gucci Gucci” twice in a row.
She also tells us that Britney Spears songs will be performed by other performers as an homage tonight (NOTE: THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. WHYYYY).
8:23 Kanye is wearing all jean and it is either tie-dyed or acid washed. Good. Bryn calls it Mark Rothko.
An overzealous fan is taken off the stage.
Best Rock Band — Bryn: What is this category? Kate: Music no one listens to anymore.
8:28 Beyonce is pregnant?! I’m so confused about when this has happened because this isn’t live so how did they keep it a secret? Does everyone sign a confidentiality agreement?
8:35 Jessie and I agree the stage is that of a lady. And her parts.
Will Ferrell, Jack Black etc. team up in some sort of dance off against people I’ve already forgtten. Black people are better dancers than white people, guys — Hilarious. Jessie: I’m pretty sure this is my 9th grade homecoming skit.
Nicki Minaj! Her man has champagne for his real friends. As she thanks Lil’ Wayne, who doffs his cap. Well done sir.
8:39 Jessie J wants it so bad. Jessie: Vevo pushes her so bad.
She sitting down and has a broken leg with a bejeweled cast. Jesie + Kate: That is so lame.
8:47 Kanye West and Katy Perry won for an song off of an album I will remind you came out a YEAR AND A HALF AGO.
Paul Rudd and someone I’ve forgotten already. But My Idiot Brother was good guys. Bryn: Always good to have co-presenters with zero chemistry.
Kim K is so bored. Jessie thinks she looks like Cher. Jessie: Is he bald (re: Pitbull)? Oh I thought that was Eminem.
This is really trippy. This is like Tron. Is it just me or is Pitbull really nerdy? He’s like a dad up there. Kate: He is a Dad.
Jessie: He has a stuffed crotch. He may have suffered a bad snake bite.
Kate: I like his red pants/Seersucker shirt/White jacket. He’s singing with a fake Sophia Vergara in what appears to be a bodysuit like the ones Jennifer Lopez has tried to make happen this year.
8:58 Jessie: Wait, Adele is up for VIDEO of the year? Kate: It is the video music awards… Jessie: Oh fuck. I do like this video.
She has some spirit fingers going on, and very long dagger nails.
9:04 Jessie J aka our resident DJ covers “Firework.” But of course, we can’t see Katy Perry’s gritted teeth. Curse you producers.
9:14 Bryn suggests that every time Chris Brown performs we pretend it’s Taio Cruz. Why is Kanye standing for him? Constant vigilance, or respect for his fellow man?
Chris Brown’s dancers have duct tape-like masks on their faces. Jessie: It’s SARS.
9:18 Sean: Left Eye just rolled over in her grave at this TLC “No Scrubs” cover Jessie J is doing. Kate: I mean, it’s rough to have your bejeweled leg cast distracting you from your singing.
9:22 Footloose trailer. Dennis Quaid, how far the mighty have fallen.
9:24 Britney is all like, hey thanks guys! She’s crying to Lady Gaga saying, “I used to touch myself to you.” But are they tears of joy or laughter? I’m hoping there will be a video retrospective. I love a good retrospective! Will we get to see one?
9:28 Gaga and Britney kiss like I knew they would. But Britney says, “I did that already” and won’t go in for the makeout. Britney is so uncomfortable. THIS IS PERFORMANCE ART GAGA.
9:31 Beyonce is such a class act and is not lipsynching obviously. And they’re doing the Jackson 5 dance. Aww.
9:34 THE JOY AT BEYONCE. IT CANNOT BE MUTED. KANYE AND JAY HUGGING. LADY G AND TONY BENNETT. “THE LOVE THAT IS GROWING INSIDE OF ME” INDEED. When I have my baby, I’m going to announce the pregnancy this way.
9:50 Jessie on Taylor Swift as a CoverGirl: She’s really smart to be your mascara spokesperson.
9:53 Cloris Leachman forgets her mic because she’s ancient. Amazing. Why couldn’t the Jersey Shore ladies do that?
9:55 Cloris dropped the award and Lady Gaga is still performing. Since when are Kanye and Gaga friends? Since now.
10:05 Russell Brand is maybe sort of inappropriately rambling about Amy Winehouse but she would have approved. Jessie, “LOL British people.” However “the missus” was clearly not influenced by the late artist.
10:09 Bruno Mars does “Valerie.” Jessie: I love him. All four feet of him. He looks so short. Bryn: But so sharp!
Jessie (re Bruno Mars and his dancers): They could all do it, as long as they’re doing that.
This stage is a stunner.
10:18 Hunger Games sneak peak! I’m scared, hold me!
10:21 Katy Perry wins Video of the Year. Remember when women just walked up to the stage normally because they weren’t wearing cube fascinators on their heads?
Jessie: Where is Ke$ha?! At least Katy’s not wearing an outfit that pushes up her boobs. Kate: I think they’re her best feature.
10:23 Drake has a lovely cardigan on as usual.
Also BEYONCE IS PREGNANT is trending in all caps.
10:15 Lil’ Wayne took his shirt off and we’re not going to hear anything else because there will be so many mentions of vagina. Ronnie is on Vinny’s shoulders. I don’t want to leave this with a Jersey Shore reference, so let’s recall that the firts Unlive Blog TM that I ever did was this event a year prior (I think? Internet gods, correct me if this is not the case). And you think Dennis Quaid has fallen far!