Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

More Brad

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I had no idea legs were so in.

Who Wears Short-Shorts

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Brad does! And he calls and leaves messages to let other people know.

The Bentley Says Goodbye

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A cooler kind of Bentley

Bentley is rocking this season as the most tremendously horrible potential Mr. Bachelorette ever to grace the show. So let’s pay homage to this despicable man you’ve probably met in a bar and fill this post with quotes by Bentley. Farewell, great and former love!

In response to Sir William’s “roast”* of Ashley where he joked that she was no Emily or Chantal:
“I can’t believe you said that. I mean, I feel the same way, but I wouldn’t say it out loud.”

In response to Ashley’s tears after said “roast”:
“I hate it when people cry. It’s not attractive at all.”

To Ashley after she was insecure and upset by the “roast”:
“You have everything….There is a feeling here, for sure. We’re totally on the same page.”

Who knows when:
That was fucking close.

After Ashley gives Ryan a rose for consoling her:
“For her to give another guy a rose justifies it for me — I’m checking out.”

Repeatedly:
“I’ve been saying from the beginning, she’s just not my type.”

To the other men when he chooses to leave the house:
“It’s time bro, it’s time.”

Before telling Ashley he was leaving:
“So I’m going to make Ashley cry. I just hope my hair looks ok.”

Right before he tells Ashley he’s leaving for his daughter:
“I really miss my daughter, but I’m not leaving because of my daughter.”

After he tells the men that he’s leaving for his daughter:
“These freaking idiots believed me.”

While consoling a tearful Ashley about his departure:
“It’s annoying to just hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying. I was already checked out, you know?”

And after telling Ashley he wants to leave their relationship open-ended:
“She’s definitely someone I’m not totally smitten by, but someone I would totally hook up with now and then.”

The Bentley also managed to bring out stupid stuff in those around him. For instance, when Ashley asked him “Can you trust in this?”, while entwining his hand with hers. Or when he left, and the men around him nodded and said, “You’re a good Dad.”

Additionally, there was a bit of voiceover while he and Ashley were having their tearful, hug-and-kiss filled goodbye that indicated that he thought this would be a good time for some bangalangin. Poor timing sir. Break-up sex should not be televised.

But it was the revelation that it was indeed our favorite Bachelor contestant Michelle Money who tried to warn Ashley about The Bentley before the show started that has convinced our viewing audience that Michelle should really be the Bachelorette next time around. We’re also convinced she would be an excellent guest appearance for this season as a guide to Ashley. And I used to think she was crazy!

Another great scene was when Chris tells Ashley that The Bentley is a jerk in so many words, and that if he really wanted to be here, he would stay. In response to The Bentley’s open-ended “…” comment, Chris said “That’s such a guy thing to say!”, which was not a compliment thankyouverymuch. Chris, if only you would actually TELL ASHLEY WHAT THE BENTLEY IS SAYING IN THE CONFESSIONAL. But then it wouldn’t be tv blah blah blah.

This episode was rectified by an awesome date with JP, where they cuddled and made out in their pajamas in front of a fire with takeout (was there a bearskin rug? I’m going to say there was even though I don’t remember). There we officially find out that JP > Bentley in the kiss department, causing Molly to say that JP’s profession of Construction Management is sexy because he’s “workin’ with his handsssss.”

Final thoughts: There was A LOT of harping on Ashley’s small boobs in an attempt at comedy during the “roast”, which does lead me to believe that the camera adds ten pounds. It also seems to indicate that as much as Masked Man wanted to pretend otherwise, this show is pretty surface level. If after three weeks, you can’t find something else to “roast” Ashley about, you are a) not very creative or b) not really looking.

And as the room for comparison keeps flowing, I’ll say that I’m consistently struck by how this malicious behavior by the men really has no precedent on brother-show The Bachelor. The men on The Bachelorette are constantly interested in winning, while the women on The Bachelor are waiting to be picked. Even when Michelle was crazy for Brad, she did seem to actually like him while she was being evil. Though the “chooser” is always the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the power dynamic is not equal; Brad NEVER would have been hurt the way Ashley has been repeatedly been allowed to be on this season.

Boy do we wish she was live-blogging the way Bethenny does!

And to Blake the Dentist, Molly has one comment: “Get your vest off.”

Tune in next week, where it appears that Ryan is not as sweet and next-Bachelor as we thought.

* I’m going to consistently use quotes around the word roast because not only was it not a very good roast, it wasn’t even close to funny.

It’s Hard To Create A Bracket With This Many Stellar Options

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I had big plans for my first season of The Bachelorette; I’d create a complicated bracket and gather the best and the brightest to vote (well, MC would do the bracket, as I couldn’t organize one to save my life). A bottle of SkinnyGirl, or perhaps pink champagne would go to the winner.

But as the first episode loomed, it because clear there were just too many options, and some research revealed that a real bracket won’t really be feasible until we get down to a more manageable number, say 8. So in the coming weeks, we’ll start to figure out our Best Bets, No Gos, and Eh candidates until the MADNESS becomes more obvious.

The Highlights (Some come with highlights)

Ellen Degeneres/Lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber

The three Josh Grobans

The Ashley of this season aka the next Bachelor, Ryan P.

Best subject of an accidental pun
Tim got wasted at the get-together and fell asleep. Ashley sent him home in a van, and was sad for him about this “wasted opportunity,” not even calling out the amazing pun she had just created. Ironically, he is a liquor distributor from Long Beach, so you think he’d be able to hold it together.

“Juicy Tips”
Nick was on the Yankees for a hot second and has a soul patch. Molly has dubbed him “Juicy Tips” for his steroid-enhanced figure and his lovely hair.

Quasimodo
Ames here managed to make it through, despite having a crooked face and telling us that he went to “Yale, which is in Connecticut.”

The Butcher
I don’t have a fancy name for him; he really is a butcher. But sadly, he’s back to New Jersey, where he can marry a girl who better not be a vegan (that’s not me, he really pondered whether or not the Bachelorette would eat meat with his Dad). I will miss his dramatic entrances and exits, and awesome looks towards the camera.

Too many J. Crews to count; we need more clothing line-related subdivisions

I obviously can’t claim myself a Bachelorette afficionado, but there a few things I’m concerned about this season. One is Bentley, the man whose parents are either rich or wanted to pretend to be. He was called out before the show as being a guy whose just about the fame. But for some reason, his relative good looks have charmed her, because if the excellent editing of the show’s promo tells us anything, he’s going to screw her over. In this episode alone, he told the cameras “Even though I’m not that attracted to [Ashley], I’m overly competitive.” In the promo, he says that he wishes The Bachelorette would have been Emily, and claims things would have been “different” if she had been.

I worry about Ashley’s potential for harm. In the premiere, she says to her 25 men “I hope you guys are happy it was me.” This doesn’t bode well; she doesn’t appear to be the confident woman she’s remade herself as. We also see a conversation between her and Chris where she essentially puts all the blame for her failed relationship with Brad on her own shoulders. This is the type of woman who isn’t ready to settle down, and instead is ready to get hurt by guys like Bentley. And it worries me, not because I know her or know anything, but because from my limited knowledge, this is a dialogue seen much more in seasons of The Bachelorette than The Bachelor. For example, Ali and the debacles that were Justin and Frank in the last season of this show.

This isn’t to say that women don’t go on the show for the same reason, only that there’s some sort of trend with Bachelorette’s being duped, or with the show’s producers wanting us to see them that way. I know it is the job of the editors to provide intrigue, but my viewing partners and I were not left with a particularly uplifting feeling at the end about this season. Though there were a few choice moments:

– Some baby man saying “If you cant take the heat, get out of the oven.” Why are you in an oven…

– A man wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask got the first rose! Perhaps this is a statement that looks don’t matter on what may society’s greatest example that they so, so do? Though when is the jig going to be up? It’s get to the point when Ashley is less intrigued and more creeped out. It’s also likely one of the other contestants will punch him in the face soon, because he never takes off the mask and that’s weird…

– West, from North Carolina, lost his wife of seven years when she died of seizure by drowning in the bathtub, and yes, he was the one who found her. Bentley, good luck, but this guy is Emily’s soul mate.

Last Night’s Bachelor Finale, In Tweets

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Disclaimer: We were sitting next to each other during this experience. Hashtags that we tried to get to become a thing: #unlikechantal. It’s similar to that game where you add “in bed” to everything except less topical.

KATE [TheSSKate]



JESSIE [jessiereu]

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