7:01 pm Angelina and Brad look TERRIBLE.
From later in the evening — see?
Meryl Streep is wearing a chip clip in her hair.
“ContROVosee.” Brits are weird. Jodie Foster reaches for the wine.
“I don’t care” that everyone here hates me. Yes you do Ricky.
7:05 pm “Dame Helen Mirren’s got good PR but she’s usually terrible.” Nice Ricky. I hope that one day I am referred to Dame Kate Dries.
Why was Amanda Peet wearing glasses? Sorry girl. You have become Lake Bell but not as cool.
Ricky to Johnny Depp: “Have you seen The Tourist yet?” Johnny isn’t such a good actor, because he’s having a hard time faking interest in that joke.
7:08 pm Gerard Butler looks like Wolverine. Alex: Do not insult Hugh Jackman.
Wouldn’t it be funny if Kenneth Branagh lost to Jonah Hill?
Don’t worry, Christopher Plummer won. They don’t cut to Jonah Hill when Plummer is thanking his fellow nominees. Way to start this night off with a bang with an old rambly person, who calls Ewan McGregor Ewan “my hearts in the highlands” McGregor
7:13 pm Elle Macpherson is sashaying like a saltshaker.
Zooey Deschanel has weird ’60s style hair, sorry Zo. Tina Fey peaks behind Amy Poehler. Love them.
Laura Dern’s “mother” on Enlightened is wearing an inflatable vest or parka.
7:19 pm Julianne Moore a. why are you holding hands with Rob Lowe b. you always have emerald green we get that you are a redhead c. why put a ruffle around your hips.
Mini-series is actually an impressive category this year.
The woman in Downton who looks like Katie Holmes is wearing a nice dress. Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore are suddenly part of Downton Abbey on this stage, and look okay with it.
7:23 pm Kate Winslet! Who apparently has a new boyfriend. Her dress is too short.
Why is Diane Lane sitting next to Susan Sarandon’s daughter?
7:32 pm Jeremy Irons puts his arm around the pres of the HFP, as if to protect her from the bloggers.
Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a double-breasted suit.
Paula Patton, is Rachel still dressing you? You should fire her.
Have gotten Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney confused twice tonight. Both hot.
7:38 pmHomeland wins. Christopher loves.
Debate begins between two members of the group who are still watching House. I have now found the last two people on earth who watch house.
Who did Tina Fey and Amy fuck to get to sit next to each other?
7:42 pm Alex wants to know why there are no cats in the Google Chrome ad.
7:46 pm Christopher: These are all really good scores actually (right before the War Horse comes on).
“I’m sorry I’m French.” Quote of the night.
Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas! Their love knows no bounds.
7:51 pm Madonna’s voice is lots of accents. Mary J. Blige is like “Fuck this why did I even bother.
Don’t worry, I just poured red wine on my sock.
7:57 pm Deborah, you should also fire Rachel Zoe.
7:59 pm Everyone is getting played off, even Idris.
Brad Pitt needs to put the cane away. Angelina needs to put away her terrible old lady makeup and dress.
Drinking Moet, like the wealthy they are.
Seth, that joke about your private parts is not good enough for you. “Congratulations. Hi,” Seth says to Michelle. Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself.
“I consider myself a mother first and and actress second.” – Michelle Williams. Would a man ever say that?
8:07 pm “Snapshot Stalkers.” I love the 10 o’clock news.
I had no idea Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar were good enough friends to play dueling skirts onstage.
8:10 pm Peter Dinklage: “I haven’t seen Mildred Pierce but I’m sure it’s good.”
I don’t know how people can get upset about the Kardashian’s and not get upset about Jessica Alba (who was styled by Brad Goreski. I know you need the money Brad but ugh).
Nicole, can you sit down in that? Should I be worried? Clive Owen has started with the spraytan. Nicole has to make up his acceptance speech because Woody Allen couldn’t be bothered for winning for Best Screenplay for what was actually a good movie! Blah blah Woody.
Jessica Lange: This award is just a topper on the cake that is my life!
8:30 pmUP ALL NIGHT. Megan Mullaly! Something to look forward to.
Madonna wins. “I grew up watching movies”…in this small British enclave outside of Detriot — Christopher as Madonna.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to people we don’t care about. But, “He’s kind of dreamy on the right” says Christopher.
SLOTAT (Secret Life of the American Teenager) spotting.
8:34 pm Is Dustin Hoffman dying?
The actress from Necessary Roughness was nominated? “My generation” Claire Danes wins so Christopher is happy. You did previously win for My So-Called Life!
The Golden Globes theme song is better if you sing it like scatting.
8:42 pm Emily Blunt rock it.
Why did they cut to Sascha Baron Cohen during Tina Fey’s presentation? Sometimes I think the dudes in the control room are just bored.
Thomas Jane really is a douche. WHATTTT Eric Stonestreet looks (fairly) pissed that he lost to Matt LeBlanc. Could he be more bored?
8:47 pm I think they got Bradley Cooper to present that award because he speaks French.
“I would to thank table 10” – Octavia Spencer
8:56 pm Morgan…Freeman. Oh god this is going to be dull.
What has he been in?
9:03 pm “I can’t tell you what it feels like…” for a girl? He says in his acceptance speech.
Alex: I have yet to see it be a good year for Latinos. Another L’Oreal comemercial: Irish. Australian. Italian. Truematch. Etc. W3 nudebeige.
9:11 pm Robert Downey Jr. for shame! That penguin tux. Christopher: Rumor has it, no longer sober.
“Daring euphoric golden globe best film motion picture for best comedy.”
So he’d never won the oscar and now he’s won the oscar and he’ll never stop winning re: Marty.
I wonder who was responsible for making sure Ricky had decreasing amounts of liquor in that cup.
Wow it’s taken this long to mention either Glee or Modern Family. I didn’t know how good I had it
Phil is wearing a white jacket though! Christopher: I wore a white jacket to my prom. It did not look good. The dude told me I’d look like Frank Sinatra.
Julie Bowen and Sophia Vergara do really hate each other. Julie’s just mad she looks like Glinda.
“Up next, Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel.” Oh good, I can take my nap then.
WAIT RYAN GOSLING IS NOT THERE. “Hey girl, sorry I couldn’t attend.”
Hello hello hello we are so French say the people from The Artist. “I’m French too!” Maybe he’s the French Jon Hamm.
“Just the right amount of wrong.” I really enjoy these commercials.
9:35 pm Meryl looks like she might die. Took off her glasses just in time for this award. Does Meryl get a teleprompter for her speech? David Fincher does not want to go up and give Meryl her glasses! No music for Meryl! God = Harvey Weinstein.
9:41 pm Remember Natalie’s terrible speeches last year? Glad we won’t get a repeat of that.
9:48 pm Wow Natalie wanted to get off that stage and back to tending to her dress.
George Clooney has officially made me not like him anymore. Congratulations.
Christopher congratulates Michael Fassbender on his “mega-peen.”
If my mom could have her way, she’d be a combo of Diane Keaton, Meryl and Jane Fonda.
9:54 pm If you didn’t know from the music, The Descendants takes place in Hawaii.
The Golden Globes literally just ended with Alexander Payne thanking my Uncle John! Gotta rep the lawyers. This is how Tilda Swinton feels about that:
And we’ll leave you with this photo, where you can determine for yourself if Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy look alike.
7:30 Ari: Every person who says they haven’t seen any of the movies nominated has always seen Inception.
James Franco is already winning the Anne vs. James fight of who will be more funny.
Ambien in a Capri Sun?!
James Franco: I loved you in Tron. Maybe it’s not Anne’s fault she gets the worst lines.
Morgan Freeman: And so the naked girl from Love and Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital… don’t even finish this sentence.
Alec Baldwin: You just got Inceptioned!
Delorean?! Was that J.C. Penney placement? (Note: The rest of this broadcast will be J.C. Penney placement).
Christopher: That was the first funny one in twenty years. He reminds us that Rob Lowe hosted?! Let that be expunged from his record.
7:38 Anne: It used to be, you get naked, you get nominated. Not anymore. Not anymore.
Jessie: This is indulgent (with the saying hi to their Moms in the audience). Christopher: And Anne’s mom is miced.
Lesbian jokes. James: Toy Story 3. Anne: Where’s the daddd? I wonder this all the time!
7:42 Tom Hanks and Gone with the Wind. Interesting. One of these things is not like the other. We could reference that this film included the first black person nominated but let’s not notice that.
Look at Tom Hanks against Titanic. Art Direction, so we’re starting off with the little guys. Alice and Wonderland, which is fifth in highest grossing movies of all time. Seriously. These dudes are so nervous in their speech that they put a hat on their Oscar.
Chris says Cinematography is contentious, because True Grit should win, but Inception wins.
Ari: Put your glasses on or off sir. “None of this would be possible without my master Christopher Nolan.” Gotta Union shout-out.
7:51 Kirk Douglas is here. Show other old people. James Franco looks much better “out of the cave.” Says to Anne Hathaway, “where were you when I was making pictures?”
Mom: Kirk Douglas has had too much plastic surgery. It’s true that he can’t really move his face. Remember when he was in Spartacus and Cher from Clueless didn’t realize that Christian liked him because he was a gay?
Best Supporting Actress. Ari: I have not seen the movie but Hailee Steinfeld should win.
Kirk: Hugh Jackman is laughing. I don’t know why everyone in Australia thinks I’m funny. Colin Firth is not laughing.
Julia: He’s a serious man. Melissa Leo wins, which means I was wrong and her campaign to win actually worked, or at least didn’t work against her. She gives us almost a crotch shot. Amy Adams wishes she had won too, just in case Melissa forgets that she said that Amy should win. Her shock feels so pretend to me. Kirk: You’re much more beautiful than you were in The Fighter. Are you saying white trash isn’t pretty Kirk? Thanks Amy “my sweet sister” Adams.
Mom: This is painful. We almost got a fuck! She’s so passive aggressively angry her beautiful son is not here but is instead jetting around the world like the youthful, unappreciative world-traveler that he is.
Ari: I like that her dress is reflecting on her face. Thank you to the academy because it is about SELLING MOTION PICTURES, AND REFLECTING THE WORK!
Christopher: She is out to lunch.
8:00 Sara: Stop touching your stomach, Anne.
Mom: James Franco looks underwhelmed, or over.
Kate: He’s the right kind of whelmed.
JT says, “I’m Banksy.” We laugh, a lot. Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing, but is upstaged by JT pretending to pull a Kirk Douglas and go into a diatribe before reading the award. Only old people get away with stunts like that.
Christopher is wearing a wifebeater. That is all. It is getting HOT IN HERRRE.
And Best Animated Picture goes to duh, Toy Story 3. I like it when they look up and thank dead people. It’d be funnier if they looked down.
8:12 Hey remember when Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin were in that super depressed movie No Country For Old Men? Forget about it, because they look like cater-waiters right now:
Aaron Sorkin wins Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. He’s such a dork and talks that way. “Roxie Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award, I’m going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig.” The King’s Speech and David Seidler win for Best Original Screenplay.
Aaron: How can you write a movie, and then win an Oscar?
Seidler says, “The writer’s speech, this is difficult. My father always said I would be a late bloomer.”
Jessie: Hahaha you’re old.
8:23 Costume change number 1, but this tuxedo is Anne’s best outfit yet.
James has good arms.
Helen Mirren looks like a DAMN. Get it, cause she’s a dame?
Mom: What a bod. Best Foreign Language Film goes to In A Better World. Fucking Denmark. I like that blue of this ladies dress though.
8:29Supporting Actor with Reese. I’d support her Actor. Mo’Nique must have passed on this.
Sperm is worth nothing. Discuss. Christian Bale wins duhh. This is so predictable. He says, “Bloody hell”, so maybe he agrees with us. Ari: Wait, am I crazy, or is he not American?
He plugs Dickey. Wow. They must be besties.
Mark Wahlberg’s wife is the one I thought was Cameron Diaz guys! Stop sounding the alarms, the case is closed.
Aaron: He’s listing what sounds like a good group of friends…Boomer…Carlos.
Re: His wife, Bale says, “She’s my mast, though the storms of life. I hope I’m likewise to you.”
8:38 Oh Anne. Rachel Zoe must have really had a field day with this one.
Kate: Crazy, back in the day things were different. Oh, we’ve hit sound and technical awards.
Cool we get to see the orchestra!
Ari: This must have been a nightmare to tech! Original Score. Kate: I want to train my dragon; it sounds so dirty or something. Trent! and The Social Network.
Ari: I wish I could go back to 8th grade and say to Nick Krazny, “The Guy you idolize is going to win an Academy Award.” Aaron: For a movie about…the internet.
8:45 Scarlett, you’re funny. Where are Brad and Angelina up in this biz, I notice with the first mention of Salt. Jessie: Raising their children with x’s in their names.
Lesbians! Win for Inception and Sound Mixing.
Thanks the “…Union, of course.” And also “Of course, the mighty Christopher Nolan.” He must require everyone to say this. Sound Editing. “Mmhm” says shirtless man Matt who is overly tanned and in that movie about the Lincoln Lawyer, which is not a period film about Lincoln and his legal troubles but about an unconventional lawyer who conducts business from his towncar.
Aaron: I wonder what the percentage is on these awards being nominated in pairs?
“I owe this a thousand percent to Chris Nolan.” Jessie: I think this is their way of being like, F U, for Chris Nolan.
8:53 Christopher: He’s so weird looking.
NERD AWARDS with Marisa Tomei. James: All right, congratulations nerds. He is WINNING this thing. His Twitter feed is too.
I thought Katherine Hepburn and Bob Dylan were magically going to be on the stage at the same time, but it’s just Cate Blanchett presenting.
Nathan: Cate Blanchett looks like she’s magically got Dip ‘n’ Dots on her dress. Make-up. This is such a weak category this season. “That’s gross,” says Cate to the last shot. The Wolfman wins.
To the bud on the right, Christopher says, “Dye your mustache if you’re not going to dye anything else.”
“It was always my ambition to lose an Oscar one day to Rick Baker. This is better.” Alice and Wonderlandwins for Costume Design. Surprise! Ugh I just wanted to see the woman who dressed Tilda impeccably up there. Helena Bonham Carter look confused on whether she should get up. Sweetie, you shouldn’t.
Stiff read award. But they clap? Very nice gloves. Ari: She’s a costume designer.
Aaron: Barack Obama just destroyed everyone.
9:03 Randy Newman you’re so weird. Aaron: God I love this mutherfucker, look at him. Tangled! Marchesa dress, Mandy Moore? This is too cute.
Kate: Oh my god guys I’m really emotional right now. Who knew Zach Levi had this good a voice? I mean, I saw the film and all, but this is too much.
Ari: This Stella Artois Adrien Brody commercial sucks.
9:11 “Wow what a great year for docs….” Was it? Strangers No More wins for Short Doc.
Mom: I also have never seen these people. OMG it’s the usual bleeding heart doc speech. Of course, thank HBO’s Shelia Nevins. Buddy Squires cinematographer. I can’t take it. Too precious. (She’s overwhelmed, in case you can’t tell.)
Kate won this round (Best Live Action Short Doc)! I liked the title: God of Love. Woah, this dude should have got a haircut and knows it! He thanks “NYU’s Graduate Film Program. The rest of the crew which I’ll thank on the thank you cam after. Finally my mother who did craft services for the film. My dad, the great state of Delaware.” Best speech of the night?
So much fringe on Anne! Rachel Zoe is so pleased.
What is this Harry Potter remix? Who cares, because You know what’s cool? A BILLION dollars.
“He Doesn’t Own A Shirt” For Twilight. I seriously have no idea what this is but I’m into it.
Mom: This show is too creative for its own good.
9:19 Oprah, looking bangalanging. “What if Oprah is Banksy?” Inside Job, the we hate capitalism movie, wins for Best Documentary Feature, which means Kate wins, let’s all be happy.
She looks happy. Documentary dude makes it political. He also says,”Let the record show, I’m not wearing jeans.” I predict that this was a big fight with his wife before he left the house.
9:24 David Carr and A.O. Scott are sharing chips that did not come from a Brooklyn co-op. Props NYTimes liveblog, for further letting me dream that they hang out like this in real life.
9:26 Billy Crystal, finally. Get off the stage Anne. She’s just too eager.
Let’s look back to the good old days! It’s a little sad they have to rest on Bob Hope performing like fifty years ago for this show to be funny.
9:31 Nathan: Jude’s hair is going. Kate: His hair is gone. It’s not going anywhere. Special Effects goes to Inception, duh. Boring. Jude and RDJr. look bored too. I wonder how much they are actually bros. Film Editing, my favorite category. The Social Network wins! Their first nomination was for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Good thing that they made that movie slightly better than the horror it would have been.
9:41 “How to Train Your Dragon, that’s disgusting” says James. We are ONE MIND.
Florence (and the Machine). Christopher: She does look Trans.
GWENETH. She’s an actress not a singer, so she does not know what to do during her performance.
Ari: Pop pop! Randy Newman wins, duh.
Randy Newman: I don’t want to thank these people. I want to be good television, as you can see.
9:52 In Memoriam with Celine Dion.
Nice “Stormy Weather” reference with Lena Horne.
10:01 Hilary, who will never win again, Swank. Best Director. I really like Katherine Bigelow’s dress. Kate: She just turned down Spiderman. Aaron: Hilary Swank? Jessie: Hilary Swank, cast as Spiderman. Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech! Upset! Christopher picked it though. He references “The triangle of man-love” that made up this film. Jessie wants to be in that triangle. Sean: I call shoddy.
He notes there have been a lot of mom thanks, but his is different. Hilary’s face says “Aww what a fun story!” in the back.
“And the moral of the story is: Listen to your mother.”
10:05 Annette Bening’s dress is weird.
Hey remember when Eli Wollach won a very similar Lifetime Achievement award in The Holiday? This looks like a fun party.
Ari: Old men at the Oscars is my favorite thing. Jessie: Especially when dumb bitches steal their canes.
Aaron: Look at that tie! Why is Francis Ford Coppola such a swag monster?
10:11 James is so pleased with himself.
Jeff Bridges is here to discuss Best Actress. They always talk to these people on a first name basis here, which I find weirdly personal. Annette Bening just winked and went “Mwah” at the camera. It pans to Nicole Kidman but we’re more interested in Andrew Garfield who looks FIERCE in the back.
Darren “Pedostache” Arronosfky lurking behind Jennifer Lawrence. She’s like “Of all the clips to pick!” when they show this super weird depressing one of her in Winter’s Bone.
Nathan: But Natalie Portman, you’re horrible in Star Wars. And she wins. And kisses Millipede, who helps her on stage.
Aaron: But what if this kid is a fuck-up?
Ari: This kid is the new Maddox Jolie….Every child actor wants to be their Natalie Portman.
She says that her husband “has now given me the most important role of my life”…being a mama.
Alex: Well she had to thank everyone. Thanks camera man, my make-up artist, the guy who held the door for me yesterday, and the barista who gives me extra caramel.
10:19 Sandra’s nostrils look like she does coke. Says to Javier Bardem, “When you won your Oscar for No Country For Old Men, you managed to inspire a whole country with just a haircut.”
Sandra asks “the dude” if he would give this award to someone else because he does not deserve to win two years in a row.
Then we get a shot of JT and Jesse Eisenberg. This is such a great tableau. Colin Firth, go home, says Sandra. But he wins Best Actor! “I have a feeling my career’s just peaked.”
He’s SO DRY — “When I was a child sensation.” Thanks Tom Ford; Chris and I groove. “Olivia, for putting up with my fleeting delusions of royalty…Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some impulses I’m going to give in to backstage.” This sounds dirty, but he just means dancing.
Jessie is worried that P.S. 22 is going to be sleepy. I’m worried that they’re missing school.
10:31 Anne, tone it down. She’s worn that dress before.
The montage of all the movies nominated for Best Picture was weird, but very well-edited and set to a speech from The King’s Speech. Of course that wins, and the Brit’s take everything.
Helena seems to indicate that Tom Hooper’s on the opposite side of the stage than where the producer’s think he is. Oh producers.
Emily: I like his hair. Kate: Very well tended.
Jessie (re: James): Someone already started drinking.
P.S. 22 did not get to practice a lot I believe, they are running all over the place.
And then all the winners come out on stage? So weird.
Jessie: Wizard of Oz. We’ve reached Oz.
Francesca: Glad like four women won tonight.
Alex: I’m hoping for District 9 To come through and collect what it deserved last year.
FINAL COUNTDOWN: It was an amazing race to the death, with Blake winning again! With 18 correct answers (does he have an inside man at the academy) Christopher coming in at 16, and Francesca in third place with 15. Emily was next with 12, Jessie/Sean at 10 because obviously they needed to vote together, and Kate sadly came in last at 7 but only because she desperately wanted some upsets, people. We’ll never know how KB did because she bailed and did not fill out her ballot but Blake: It’s time. Take over SGST for a day (maybe two now). Your public awaits.
Why weren’t we watching the NBC Red Carpet? It’s Carson Daly and Alexa Chung and some woman who looks like Lori Loughlin. Now the world, or this room full of people, will never know how much she’s actually like Lori Loughlin. Did she too star as the hot mom in a few choice CW series?
7:00 Of course Angelina and Brad are the first ones we see. They will remain in this half-hugging position for the whole night.
Ricky G. tells us that “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Here’s hoping Ricky. He starts talking about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist and what a bad movie it was (pan to Johnny Depp, looking amused) and Burlesque, of course (“Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975”). Moving on to other films not nominated, such as the SATC 2 poster airbrushing — “Girls, we know how old you are” — the censors do their job and bleep Christ’s sake, and we get a few John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay scientologist jokes. All in all, not reinventing the wheel, but everyone seems super uncomfortable, so win!
7:02The Walking Dead is nominated. Shot of Steve Buscemi. Someone back there has a sense of humor.
7:05 And it’s time for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Duh, it’s Christian Bale, which means KB was the loser. Guys, money never ever sleeps.
KB screams “Geoffrey Rush is wearing a chapeau!” He is apparently bald underneath for a film.
Christian Bale makes some long weird comment about Deniro that the censors cut. We’ll never know…
7:09 LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are presenting together. Why, Bowen, why?
First upset of the night: Katey Sagal wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama. Loved her on 8 Simple Rules, but here she looks like Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey.
She says to her husband, the creator of Sons of Anarchy: “Sweetheart, I love you. I’m so glad you’re the boss of me.” Woah. They cut her off faster than they cut of Christian Bale. KB notes that that’s because they’re scared for their lives when it comes to Christian. No one has won this round.
Kenneth the page!
7:16 We’re introduced to this years Golden Globe Girl, aka, the lesser Golden Girl(s). Carlos wins Best Foreign Language Film or whatever. Second upset! And we get to see Kenneth the page again, making that same manic face everytime.
KB: You know its a night of upsets when everyone is coming from the mezzanine.
7:21 Garrett Hedlund, my future husband.
Scott Caan. Jessie gets mad at Kate for not remembering that he was in Oceans 11. Whatever, apparently he has a super hairy chest.
Kenneth the page sighting number 3. Chris Colfer wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee. He looks so genuinely shocked, and the cast is so excited for him (Lea Michele maybe is a good actress, methinks). He says, “I think I just droped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if you could give it back to me….” Blake has won this round.
7:30 Michelle Pfeiffer is the most beautiful woman alive, except “her armpits go up to Toledo” says Jessie. I don’t know what that means. She will spend the rest of the show looking pissed though, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Ricky G. makes a joke about the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, who counters, “Ricky, next time you want me to help qualify your movies, go to another guy.”
7:33 Kevin Bacon is going to be in X-Men? Steve Buscemi wins, and Boardwalk Empire wins, which mean Kate wins! Did you know my friend Talia used to shred his fan mail for him as an afterschool job? He says, “First of all, I have thank table 114. You guys are a lot of fun.” Apparently he has a relative named Tutti? Maybe he is in the mob.
7:39 Brad and Angie with the bow tie. They’re just like real people, these wax figurines.
7:45 Jesse Eisenberg has a soul patch. Dude stop it.
7:47Burlesque wins for best song, that awful number where Cher just yells that you “Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me.” A Liza Minelli wannabe accepts, though I do love it when non-famous people win. Both Blake and Christopher get this round.
7:50Best Score goes to The Social Network aka Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Jessie and Kate win this round duh. But it’s hilarious to see him in a suit.
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical goes to Glee, which is pretty ridic. Ari says, “They’re going to cry over everything. They’re going to cry over tonal shifts in their episodes.”
7:55 Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hailee Steinfeld and the J. Biebz. Jessie: This is why puberty is awkward, she’s two years younger than him, and like a foot taller.
Ari: I dont know how to feel about kids introducing animated features. AGEISM.
Jessie says, “Maybe Toy Story 3won’t win”, right as it does. Everybody gets this round. The dude who runs up to accept looks like Ed Helms, and he remarks, “Wow, were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?” Touché, good sir.
This is incredibly unfair. Because he’s not like, super famous, they are legit just cutting to famous people looking bored as he talks.
7:59 Look at Robert Downey Jr. swagger. Maybe it’s because he’s married to to Susan Lucci, right Jessie? He tells a very extensive joke about the women who are nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, and how he’s connected to all of them. Gets awk, but I dig.
Someone notes that Al Pacino and Michael Douglas are slowly becoming the same person. That’s right: OLD WHITE MEN.
And Annette Bening wins! Which means KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily get points. Annette thanks “Mark Ruffalo, our awesome sperm donor, and “MY HUSBAND, WARREN BEATTY!” That’s right, stake your claim girlfriend.
8:11 It’s Tilda and Geoffrey Rush. What a dynamic duo.
Going back to Al Pacino, Ari wonders if it’s weird she always confuses him with Bob Dylan. Kate says no, they both look homeless.
8:16 And Claire Danes wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television, duh. She tells us, “I have to rattle these names off because everyone was so vitalllll,” emphasis on the vital. Slow camera pan in on J.Lo Hew, who is trying not to cry. As Kate was the only one to vote in this category, she wins by default and also brilliance.
8:23 Zac Efron looks like a boy band member. Ari and KB think his tie is too shiny, but Kate likes it.
8:25 Kenneth the page. If you’re trying to make this a drinking game, that’s the fourth sighting.
Steve Carell comes out with Tina Fey, and tells us “Don’t turn the channel! We’re still stars.” Yessir. Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Screenplay – Motion Picture, which means KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca and Kate win. Where is JT?!
KB: Aaron, tell us who was better: Kristin Chenoweth or Maureen Dowd?
8:29Jane Lynch wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee, with the group conclusion being that she’s better in other stuff, but we all like her. She says, “My cup runneth over”, but “I am nothing if not falsely humble.” I love a good prepared speech that seems natural and doesn’t require a piece of paper. She also thanks her family in Chicago, and we’re pretty sure she’s talking about us. On that note, Blake and Christopher have got this round.
8:35 Woman from Denmark wins something foreign. Kate says “Denmark. Is she Denmarkein?” It’s clarified that she’s in fact Danish.
8:38 Helen Mirren introduces Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical by explaining that these women are always “gorgeous, smart, beautiful.” Really? Do we need to superlatives about how attractive they are? ‘Cmon Helen. She also uses some weird terminology comparing this process to the lifecycle — inseminated, gestated, given birth — that gives us all a bit of a uncomfortable feeling. Laura Linney wins for The Big C but couldn’t be bothered to show. (UPDATE: I’m a bitch. Her dad died recently.) Kate goes deaf as KB squeals in her ear. Jessie says that the show is, “about her living her life, like a free bitch.”
8:46 Jane Fonda aka my mother’s celebrity doppleganger hasn’t been at the Globes for 25 years. Guys, that’s embarrassing that you just admitted to losing her invite every year for that long.
Much debate occurs over whether you can see the top of her right nipple. It’s inconclusive. If you have picture evidence, holler at me.
Kaley Cuoco is so genuine about Jim Parsons winning for The Big Bang Theory. Watch this scene if you need convincing he’s worth the time. KB, Blake, Christopher and Kate win this round.
Kate: Hugh Laurie is bald. Accept it and move on.
8:50 Jeremy Irons. Jessie: Mufasaaaa! Melissa Leo wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. She says, “All that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!” Cut to Mark Wahlberg drinking away. It must be sad that you’re surrounded by all this talent and know you won’t get a win boy. Melissa thanks someone for “those few hours we spent in the maritime hotel”, and then realizes what she has just said and clarifies, “No no no you dont know what kind of girl I am!” What kind of girl would that be, Melissa. She makes sure to say, “Mark Wahlberg, you are a prince.” Jessie: He does not like her.
8:59 Cecil B. Demille award and Robert Deniro makes a weird speech. In the introduction by Matt Damon, he tries to act out some of his best scenes. What is this, an audition? Temple Grandin is really bored, and Eva Longoria is sitting next to her? KB tries to start a rumor that something’s going on with those two.
Angelina is looking through Brad to find the waiter. “Bring me more Moet bitch!”
9:07 Deniro was bleeped. We don’t know what he said. but he was workin’ blue, according to Ari.
Ad for Abilify the anti-depressant. Ari says: Is that like Unobtainium?
9:12 Oreo commercial, entitled ‘Lick or be licked.” Kate starts down a dark path with this catchphrase.
Ari: Oreoes dont need to be advertised. The people that are going to buy them are going to buy them. If you see them you won’t suddenly like them. Discuss.
Kate: They totally picked Megan Fox to talk about The Tourist because she’s the poor man’s Angelina.
9:16David Fincher wins Best Director, which means Blake, Christopher, Francesca and Kate are the champions. Is his speech 4 pages long, or is he blind?
9:18 Christopher: Modern Family is for homophobes.
HUGE outcry in the room.
9:24 Why is Alicia Keys here? Yes, she is a singer, to those in the room who seemed confused. Paul Giamatti looks like he’s on coke or something, but its just Godiva chocolate? He won in the category that no one good was nominated in, Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, but Emily wins. They keep bleeping him out. For some reason he says, “Montreal, I dream about it. I salute the great nation of Canada.” That’s probably the first time it’s ever been saluted, so job well done.
As we cut to commercial break, we get a shot of Emma Stone and Mila Kunis who seem very happy to be there, jumping together.
9:28 Commercial for L’Oreal: ‘Imagine if you could grow young.” It’s “inspired by gene science.” This is followed by a commercial for Exboards, which are whiteboards. What has the world come to.
9:32 Joseph Gordon Levitt has a weird button on, and is talking like a weirdo. It’s cool though, he was in 3rd Rock from the Sun.
Jeff Bridges tells us that Natalie Portman has won Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama. We get some shots of him being positioned appropriately on the stage by Miss Golden Girls.
Natalie, you should stick to acting. She tells us, Thank you to Benjamin for helping me bring another life into this world” and “he’s the best actor, he totally wants to sleep with me!” She also thanks Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis. Dear god. She does have a fabulous back, and Darren Aronofsky only has a horrible pedostache.
KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily win, but could have predicted such a horrendous speech?
KB: The Golden Globes is a 50/50 British/American. (Note: This was def the Sunny D and Andre talking. In no way do the awards shake out this way.)
9:54 Michael Douglas gets onstage. Everyone stands, which means KB was right about that. She starts violently hitting Kate while Michael tiredly says, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.” The Social Network wins for Best Picture — Drama.
Why is Kevin Spacey hugging Aaron Sorkin? Ari: Because he thinks that its the year 2000 and he won for American Beauty. Chris smiles slyly. Why are the fake Winklevoss’ up there and fucking Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield can’t stop being emo and get up there. David Fincher blames their “left brain combination.”
Ricky G. tells us it’s all over, and “Thank you to god, for making me an atheist.” Sure thing bro.
Blake, our dark horse from out West, wins with a resounding 15 correct answers! Christopher comes in a respectable 10, and Kate, our ever-fearless blogger, comes in with 9. Everyone else ties at 8
What should Blake’s prize be? The opportunity to take over Smart Girls for the day? A nice bottle of Moet (or Andre?) You decide!
And thank you to Gawker for finding this clip. Now I can watch over and over and over again.