Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

She’s Also Finding Out What They Don’t Have In Common

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Like bananas. They’re just “enjoying each other“, guys. They’re not, however, enjoying how they have differing opinions about bananas.

People Dot Com, Grammar And The Bachelor

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NO SPOILERS I’M NOT WATCHING TONIGHT’S FINALE UNTIL WEDNESDAY. Yes, this is exactly like that episode of HIMYM. Images and tip via Francesca.

She says, “I’ve never seen People try this hard with grammar before.”

Example: Last year.

“No Merlot.”

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This is going to be me and Mom in a month. SONOMA here we come. I will admit that it was the addition of this piece on The Hairpin to the internet archives that convinced me to bite the bullet and just buy the tickets. That and I’m clearly going to hunt down our good Bachelor friend Ben (nee F.).

Meeting The Newest Bachelor, Out Of His Natural Habitat

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So a lot has happened since Miss Moneypenny’s last contribution (and yes, I know that they are few and far between) but I am going to focus on a far  more important topic right now.

I met the next Bachelor.

Yes, it was every bit as wonderful as could be imagined. You, my friends, are  about to get the blow-by-blow.

I was at a rooftop pool in West Hollywood with some friends (this was  actually the first time I’d ever done this, but it was a verrrry L.A. thing to do) to spend a Sunday afternoon with a friend who was in town. There were two  guys nearby who I didn’t recognize, but were pretty cute.

Suddenly, a round of Bloody Mary’s appeared by our group, “courtesy of the  gentlemen on the other side of the pool.” Our group was about 3 guys and 5  girls. When The Bachelor (I had zero idea of who he was at the time) came over with his friend to talk, they immediately ordered another round for the  entire group.

Side note: it is atypical for guys in LA (or really anywhere) to purchase alcohol for people who are not girls. We later found out that his hotel stay  was being covered by the studio, but still. The principle is what counts here.

We were all drinking our Bloody Mary’s when someone asked our new friend Ben what he was doing in LA. Somewhat sheepishly, he told us that he was about to be on a reality show. With some pressing, we found out he was the next Bachelor. And therefore was the adorable Ben that was rejected by Ashley in the season finale. Since I knew of Kate’s obsession with the show, I was immediately intrigued.

We spent the next three hours getting horrifically sunburned (at least on my part) and drinking white wine. Since our dear Ben is a winemaker, he had excellent taste. He was actually amazingly cool. I was shocked. He was signed up for The Bachelorette by his sister, and decided to go on for the opportunity to travel and meet new people. Became the Bachelor because “why not see if I can actually find love, and barring that, go to really cool places and have a free place to stay with great food?”

Some great quotes from the day:

Us: Were you sad when Ashely rejected you?
Ben: No, more pissed off. I proposed, got rejected, looked like a moron. So yeah, pissed off.

On whether or not he had actually dated Jennifer Love Hewitt (a tabloid rumor)…
B: Um. Are you kidding? No. Freaking. Way.

Us: Were you in love with Ashley?
B: I’m not sure if I can answer that honestly without violating my contract.
*We took that as a “no”

Us: What did you do all day on The Bachelorette? A bunch of dudes in a house?
B: Played soccer in the yard. Drank. Played Battleship.

Us: What do you think of The Bachelor Pad?
B: No comment. No comment whatsoever.

Needless to say, an awesome afternoon. He was one of the most normal people I have ever met in LA, let alone someone who was about to star in a reality show. An eye-opening experience that was very befitting of the glamorous lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. *Tosses hair around*

But really. People in LA, especially those who have intentions of going into the “talent” side of reality television, are rarely normal. Or even nice. They are usually very obsessed with themselves and upon finding out that someone works in an agency (like yours truly), will usually jump at the chance to jumpstart their acting career (I have actually had more than one person hand me a headshot in the middle of a party). But Ben was…cool. And fun. He had great taste in wine, was relaxed, knew about cool French music (the CD we were listening to has been in my car on repeat for about the last 2 weeks), and overall, was genuine–a rare quality to find anywhere, but especially in LA.

So I have to say, I will be watching the upcoming season of The Bachelor. And I will be rooting for him to at least have a great time, and maybe even find love with someone who is as genuine as he is (or at least someone who’s not a complete fame whore).

The Night We Should Have Taken Shots Everytime Ashley Said Bentley

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Also known as The Night the Two Josh Grobans Faced Off

This explains all you need to know about this episode.


Yea, so after the artist formally known as Bentley left, the producers thought, hey, let’s whisk Ashley away to Thailand where she won’t remember anything that has happened to her. Except, just like in SATC2, she does remember, except no one gets diarrhea, thank god. Of course, we barely get to see how the guys get to Thailand; all we see is a peace sign being thrown up by Ryan in the airport.

Ashley is the friend you have that won’t stop talking about her ex, with ex being code for guy she made out with a few times who she never really dated (am I that friend? Do not discuss). And now that we’re in Thailand, her problems have just changed continents, except now we get some token asian music and a lot of rain. Molly says, “Minor chords!” I say, it was obviously cheaper to do this trip during the off season, and there is only so much a nice umbrella can do.

Josh Groban #1, also known as Constantine, gets a one-on-one. He looks different and improved in Thailand. Thai hair, says Molly.

On the Group Date, we discover that Sir William is still alive. We’re pretty sure that there are a few Ashley’s keeping around just to have sex with — Bentley was one, and “I played for the Yankees for a hot second” Nick is another. Also did you know there was a tsunami here recently? Watch the news, guys.

Josh Groban # 2 (Ben F.) gets a one-on-one date after he charms Ashley at an orphanage with his artistic side, which is not code for his penis. She draws an Ashley flower which is not code for her vagina. Nick does nothing but play with a hula hoop on said group date.

On his date, Ben F. says both “I felt like you were kind of buzzing around me” and “Ruh roh.” To which I say, Ben F., you remind me too much of a guy that I date(d) (we’ll keep the mystery alive).

The most important news from this episode is that Molly is now a fan of “Quasimodo” Ames. She says that “this Thai air is doing something to his features.” I think his hair is longer and the humidity makes it curly. Though Ames seems unaware that their lack of making out is not a good sign, Ashley is the one that fouls up this scenario. In my notes, I wrote “Why does she always ask about old ladies?” which I think translates to “Why does she always ask about the ex-girlfriends of these men?” She also references Titanic when on a boat with Ames, which makes me worry she hasn’t actually seen how that movie ends.

Blake the dentist has a few good quotes as well. He claims that sweet, sweet Ryan “swoops in, and it just screams of foul play.” He says that “Constantine is a gamer,” and the whole thing “Chaps my ass.” And finally, about the show: “That’s the nature of this beast — everyone’s going after the same piece of fruit.” He then becomes the whistleblower to Ryan on how no one else likes him, but this only prompts Ryan to say to the camera, “What, you can’t hang with the fact that I’m freakin’ happy a lot? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not grumpy…Think of all our soldiers that are overseas now. Why wouldn’t you be happy here?”

Most importantly, JP and Ashley get a moment on the beach. Molly: They are not touching enough. Bring in the bluetinis! (Note: There was a lot of blue lighting and blue alcohol in this episode). They just go from making out to GET IN MY LOVE SUITE. She also says that Ashley would be a FOOL not to pick him, but obvi she is one, because he’s a sane guy who actually likes her, is hot, and a good kisser.

Ultimately, Wes is sent home, which is really just Ashley sending herself home — she can’t commit to a guy who’s ready to move on, because she has horrible taste in men and isn’t ready for this. Wes’ final speech proves that he’s too deep for this show. Ashley chooses Lucas as her first, a man with whom she has no chemistry, because she doesn’t really want to be doing this and feels like she needs some sort of redemption from Brad’s season. Wise move on the producer side: when she speaks with Chris, he’s very particular when he says potential with Bentley “was in her heart and mind.” Good save Chris. We know the truth. And we’re reminded that this is The Bachelorette and there “are no rules” because Ashley gets to keep another guy. Just more proof she’s not ready to commit to anyone, and you know what Ash — that’s ok. Just admit it.

Ashley is insecure quotes:
I feel like I have a little bit of my heart back, so I’m ready to start giving a little bit of it away.
I don’t just think everyone likes me. I don’t think everyone wants to be with me.
Tell me about your past relationships
I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again.

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