This weekend I participated in the world’s largest scavenger hunt, and wrote about it — twice! But really, read both because one has awesome photos and the other one has awesome videos.
This is the new Japanese Elle for April 2011. I know this shoot is several years old, and I’m pretty sure it’s from an old issue of Allure, since that’s the only ladymag I ever subscribed to regularly and its completely in their style of their shoots. Since they only do headshot covers, this isn’t a complete replica, but I’m dying for more information. Any thoughts? Proof? I wish I had my back issues with me right now…
Covers: Animal Carriers [Fashioncopious}
7:30 Ari: Every person who says they haven’t seen any of the movies nominated has always seen Inception.
James Franco is already winning the Anne vs. James fight of who will be more funny.
Ambien in a Capri Sun?!
James Franco: I loved you in Tron. Maybe it’s not Anne’s fault she gets the worst lines.
Morgan Freeman: And so the naked girl from Love and Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital… don’t even finish this sentence.
Alec Baldwin: You just got Inceptioned!
Delorean?! Was that J.C. Penney placement? (Note: The rest of this broadcast will be J.C. Penney placement).
Christopher: That was the first funny one in twenty years. He reminds us that Rob Lowe hosted?! Let that be expunged from his record.
7:38 Anne: It used to be, you get naked, you get nominated. Not anymore. Not anymore.
Jessie: This is indulgent (with the saying hi to their Moms in the audience). Christopher: And Anne’s mom is miced.
Lesbian jokes. James: Toy Story 3. Anne: Where’s the daddd? I wonder this all the time!
7:42 Tom Hanks and Gone with the Wind. Interesting. One of these things is not like the other. We could reference that this film included the first black person nominated but let’s not notice that.
Look at Tom Hanks against Titanic.
Art Direction, so we’re starting off with the little guys. Alice and Wonderland, which is fifth in highest grossing movies of all time. Seriously. These dudes are so nervous in their speech that they put a hat on their Oscar.
Chris says Cinematography is contentious, because True Grit should win, but Inception wins.
Ari: Put your glasses on or off sir. “None of this would be possible without my master Christopher Nolan.” Gotta Union shout-out.
7:51 Kirk Douglas is here. Show other old people. James Franco looks much better “out of the cave.” Says to Anne Hathaway, “where were you when I was making pictures?”
Mom: Kirk Douglas has had too much plastic surgery. It’s true that he can’t really move his face. Remember when he was in Spartacus and Cher from Clueless didn’t realize that Christian liked him because he was a gay?
Best Supporting Actress. Ari: I have not seen the movie but Hailee Steinfeld should win.
Kirk: Hugh Jackman is laughing. I don’t know why everyone in Australia thinks I’m funny. Colin Firth is not laughing.
Julia: He’s a serious man.
Melissa Leo wins, which means I was wrong and her campaign to win actually worked, or at least didn’t work against her. She gives us almost a crotch shot. Amy Adams wishes she had won too, just in case Melissa forgets that she said that Amy should win. Her shock feels so pretend to me. Kirk: You’re much more beautiful than you were in The Fighter. Are you saying white trash isn’t pretty Kirk? Thanks Amy “my sweet sister” Adams.
Mom: This is painful. We almost got a fuck! She’s so passive aggressively angry her beautiful son is not here but is instead jetting around the world like the youthful, unappreciative world-traveler that he is.
Ari: I like that her dress is reflecting on her face. Thank you to the academy because it is about SELLING MOTION PICTURES, AND REFLECTING THE WORK!
Christopher: She is out to lunch.
8:00 Sara: Stop touching your stomach, Anne.
Mom: James Franco looks underwhelmed, or over.
Kate: He’s the right kind of whelmed.
JT says, “I’m Banksy.” We laugh, a lot. Best Animated Short goes to The Lost Thing, but is upstaged by JT pretending to pull a Kirk Douglas and go into a diatribe before reading the award. Only old people get away with stunts like that.
Christopher is wearing a wifebeater. That is all. It is getting HOT IN HERRRE.
And Best Animated Picture goes to duh, Toy Story 3. I like it when they look up and thank dead people. It’d be funnier if they looked down.
8:12 Hey remember when Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin were in that super depressed movie No Country For Old Men? Forget about it, because they look like cater-waiters right now:
Aaron Sorkin wins Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. He’s such a dork and talks that way. “Roxie Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award, I’m going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig.”
The King’s Speech and David Seidler win for Best Original Screenplay.
Aaron: How can you write a movie, and then win an Oscar?
Seidler says, “The writer’s speech, this is difficult. My father always said I would be a late bloomer.”
Jessie: Hahaha you’re old.
8:23 Costume change number 1, but this tuxedo is Anne’s best outfit yet.
James has good arms.
Helen Mirren looks like a DAMN. Get it, cause she’s a dame?
Mom: What a bod.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to In A Better World. Fucking Denmark. I like that blue of this ladies dress though.
8:29 Supporting Actor with Reese. I’d support her Actor. Mo’Nique must have passed on this.
Sperm is worth nothing. Discuss.
Christian Bale wins duhh. This is so predictable. He says, “Bloody hell”, so maybe he agrees with us. Ari: Wait, am I crazy, or is he not American?
He plugs Dickey. Wow. They must be besties.
Mark Wahlberg’s wife is the one I thought was Cameron Diaz guys! Stop sounding the alarms, the case is closed.
Aaron: He’s listing what sounds like a good group of friends…Boomer…Carlos.
Re: His wife, Bale says, “She’s my mast, though the storms of life. I hope I’m likewise to you.”
8:38 Oh Anne. Rachel Zoe must have really had a field day with this one.
Kate: Crazy, back in the day things were different. Oh, we’ve hit sound and technical awards.
Cool we get to see the orchestra!
Ari: This must have been a nightmare to tech!
Original Score. Kate: I want to train my dragon; it sounds so dirty or something.
Trent! and The Social Network.
Ari: I wish I could go back to 8th grade and say to Nick Krazny, “The Guy you idolize is going to win an Academy Award.” Aaron: For a movie about…the internet.
8:45 Scarlett, you’re funny. Where are Brad and Angelina up in this biz, I notice with the first mention of Salt. Jessie: Raising their children with x’s in their names.
Lesbians! Win for Inception and Sound Mixing.
Thanks the “…Union, of course.” And also “Of course, the mighty Christopher Nolan.” He must require everyone to say this.
Sound Editing. “Mmhm” says shirtless man Matt who is overly tanned and in that movie about the Lincoln Lawyer, which is not a period film about Lincoln and his legal troubles but about an unconventional lawyer who conducts business from his towncar.
Aaron: I wonder what the percentage is on these awards being nominated in pairs?
“I owe this a thousand percent to Chris Nolan.” Jessie: I think this is their way of being like, F U, for Chris Nolan.
8:53 Christopher: He’s so weird looking.
NERD AWARDS with Marisa Tomei. James: All right, congratulations nerds. He is WINNING this thing. His Twitter feed is too.
I thought Katherine Hepburn and Bob Dylan were magically going to be on the stage at the same time, but it’s just Cate Blanchett presenting.
Nathan: Cate Blanchett looks like she’s magically got Dip ‘n’ Dots on her dress.
Make-up. This is such a weak category this season. “That’s gross,” says Cate to the last shot. The Wolfman wins.
To the bud on the right, Christopher says, “Dye your mustache if you’re not going to dye anything else.”
“It was always my ambition to lose an Oscar one day to Rick Baker. This is better.”
Alice and Wonderland wins for Costume Design. Surprise! Ugh I just wanted to see the woman who dressed Tilda impeccably up there. Helena Bonham Carter look confused on whether she should get up. Sweetie, you shouldn’t.
Stiff read award. But they clap? Very nice gloves. Ari: She’s a costume designer.
Aaron: Barack Obama just destroyed everyone.
9:03 Randy Newman you’re so weird. Aaron: God I love this mutherfucker, look at him.
Tangled! Marchesa dress, Mandy Moore? This is too cute.
Kate: Oh my god guys I’m really emotional right now. Who knew Zach Levi had this good a voice? I mean, I saw the film and all, but this is too much.
Ari: This Stella Artois Adrien Brody commercial sucks.
9:11 “Wow what a great year for docs….” Was it? Strangers No More wins for Short Doc.
Mom: I also have never seen these people. OMG it’s the usual bleeding heart doc speech. Of course, thank HBO’s Shelia Nevins. Buddy Squires cinematographer. I can’t take it. Too precious. (She’s overwhelmed, in case you can’t tell.)
Kate won this round (Best Live Action Short Doc)! I liked the title: God of Love. Woah, this dude should have got a haircut and knows it! He thanks “NYU’s Graduate Film Program. The rest of the crew which I’ll thank on the thank you cam after. Finally my mother who did craft services for the film. My dad, the great state of Delaware.” Best speech of the night?
So much fringe on Anne! Rachel Zoe is so pleased.
What is this Harry Potter remix? Who cares, because You know what’s cool? A BILLION dollars.
“He Doesn’t Own A Shirt” For Twilight. I seriously have no idea what this is but I’m into it.
Mom: This show is too creative for its own good.
9:19 Oprah, looking bangalanging. “What if Oprah is Banksy?”
Inside Job, the we hate capitalism movie, wins for Best Documentary Feature, which means Kate wins, let’s all be happy.
She looks happy. Documentary dude makes it political. He also says,”Let the record show, I’m not wearing jeans.” I predict that this was a big fight with his wife before he left the house.
9:24 David Carr and A.O. Scott are sharing chips that did not come from a Brooklyn co-op. Props NYTimes liveblog, for further letting me dream that they hang out like this in real life.
9:26 Billy Crystal, finally. Get off the stage Anne. She’s just too eager.
Let’s look back to the good old days! It’s a little sad they have to rest on Bob Hope performing like fifty years ago for this show to be funny.
9:31 Nathan: Jude’s hair is going. Kate: His hair is gone. It’s not going anywhere.
Special Effects goes to Inception, duh. Boring. Jude and RDJr. look bored too. I wonder how much they are actually bros.
Film Editing, my favorite category. The Social Network wins! Their first nomination was for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Good thing that they made that movie slightly better than the horror it would have been.
9:41 “How to Train Your Dragon, that’s disgusting” says James. We are ONE MIND.
Florence (and the Machine). Christopher: She does look Trans.
GWENETH. She’s an actress not a singer, so she does not know what to do during her performance.
Ari: Pop pop! Randy Newman wins, duh.
Randy Newman: I don’t want to thank these people. I want to be good television, as you can see.
9:52 In Memoriam with Celine Dion.
Nice “Stormy Weather” reference with Lena Horne.
10:01 Hilary, who will never win again, Swank.
Best Director. I really like Katherine Bigelow’s dress. Kate: She just turned down Spiderman. Aaron: Hilary Swank? Jessie: Hilary Swank, cast as Spiderman.
Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech! Upset! Christopher picked it though. He references “The triangle of man-love” that made up this film. Jessie wants to be in that triangle. Sean: I call shoddy.
He notes there have been a lot of mom thanks, but his is different. Hilary’s face says “Aww what a fun story!” in the back.
“And the moral of the story is: Listen to your mother.”
10:05 Annette Bening’s dress is weird.
Hey remember when Eli Wollach won a very similar Lifetime Achievement award in The Holiday? This looks like a fun party.
Ari: Old men at the Oscars is my favorite thing. Jessie: Especially when dumb bitches steal their canes.
Aaron: Look at that tie! Why is Francis Ford Coppola such a swag monster?
10:11 James is so pleased with himself.
Jeff Bridges is here to discuss Best Actress. They always talk to these people on a first name basis here, which I find weirdly personal. Annette Bening just winked and went “Mwah” at the camera. It pans to Nicole Kidman but we’re more interested in Andrew Garfield who looks FIERCE in the back.
Darren “Pedostache” Arronosfky lurking behind Jennifer Lawrence. She’s like “Of all the clips to pick!” when they show this super weird depressing one of her in Winter’s Bone.
Nathan: But Natalie Portman, you’re horrible in Star Wars. And she wins. And kisses Millipede, who helps her on stage.
Aaron: But what if this kid is a fuck-up?
Ari: This kid is the new Maddox Jolie….Every child actor wants to be their Natalie Portman.
She says that her husband “has now given me the most important role of my life”…being a mama.
Alex: Well she had to thank everyone. Thanks camera man, my make-up artist, the guy who held the door for me yesterday, and the barista who gives me extra caramel.
10:19 Sandra’s nostrils look like she does coke. Says to Javier Bardem, “When you won your Oscar for No Country For Old Men, you managed to inspire a whole country with just a haircut.”
Sandra asks “the dude” if he would give this award to someone else because he does not deserve to win two years in a row.
Then we get a shot of JT and Jesse Eisenberg. This is such a great tableau.
Colin Firth, go home, says Sandra. But he wins Best Actor! “I have a feeling my career’s just peaked.”
He’s SO DRY — “When I was a child sensation.” Thanks Tom Ford; Chris and I groove. “Olivia, for putting up with my fleeting delusions of royalty…Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some impulses I’m going to give in to backstage.” This sounds dirty, but he just means dancing.
Jessie is worried that P.S. 22 is going to be sleepy. I’m worried that they’re missing school.
10:31 Anne, tone it down. She’s worn that dress before.
The montage of all the movies nominated for Best Picture was weird, but very well-edited and set to a speech from The King’s Speech. Of course that wins, and the Brit’s take everything.
Helena seems to indicate that Tom Hooper’s on the opposite side of the stage than where the producer’s think he is. Oh producers.
Emily: I like his hair. Kate: Very well tended.
Jessie (re: James): Someone already started drinking.
P.S. 22 did not get to practice a lot I believe, they are running all over the place.
And then all the winners come out on stage? So weird.
Jessie: Wizard of Oz. We’ve reached Oz.
Francesca: Glad like four women won tonight.
Alex: I’m hoping for District 9 To come through and collect what it deserved last year.
FINAL COUNTDOWN: It was an amazing race to the death, with Blake winning again! With 18 correct answers (does he have an inside man at the academy) Christopher coming in at 16, and Francesca in third place with 15. Emily was next with 12, Jessie/Sean at 10 because obviously they needed to vote together, and Kate sadly came in last at 7 but only because she desperately wanted some upsets, people. We’ll never know how KB did because she bailed and did not fill out her ballot but Blake: It’s time. Take over SGST for a day (maybe two now). Your public awaits.
SERIOUS predictions here. The moment is almost here. It’s Oscar time! (I just paraphrased Giuliana Rancic, kill me now).
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Javier Bardem, Biutiful
Jeff Bridges, True Grit
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
James Franco, 127 Hours
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Christian Bale, The Fighter — Christopher, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech — Emily
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right — Emily
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone — Jessie/Sean
Natalie Portman, Black Swan — Christopher, Francesca, Blake
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine — Kate
BEST PERFORMANCE FOR AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Melissa Leo, The Fighter — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit –Francesca
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom — Christopher, Kate
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
How to Train Your Dragon
Toy Story 3 — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake (What Whaaaat).
ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION
Alice in Wonderland — Francesca , Kate
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Jessie, Sean
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Blake
The King’s Speech
ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAHY
Black Swan, Matthew Libatique — Emily, Jessie/Sean
Inception, Wally Pfister — Christopher
The King’s Speech, Danny Cohen — Kate
The Social Network, Jeff Cronenweth
True Grit, Roger Deakins — Francesca, Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN
Alice in Wonderland, Colleen Atwood — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
I Am Love, Antonella Cannarozzi — Kate
The King’s Speech, Jenny Beavan — Christopher, Francesca
The Tempest, Sandy Powell
True Grit, Mary Zophres
ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
Black SwanDarren Aronofsky — Emily
The Fighter David O. Russell
The King’s Speech Tom Hooper — Christopher
The Social Network David Fincher — Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
True Grit Joel Coen and Ethan Coen
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Exit through the Gift Shop — Emily
Inside Job — Blake, Kate
Restrepo — Christopher
Waste Land — Francesca
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
Killing in the Name
Poster Girl — Christopher, Emily, Francesca
Strangers No More — Blake
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang — Kate
ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING
Black Swan Andrew Weisblum
The Fighter Pamela Martin
The King’s Speech Tariq Anwar
127 Hours Jon Harris — Jessie/Sean, Kate
The Social Network Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Blake
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Biutiful — Emily
In a Better World — Francesca, Blake
Incendies — Christopher, Kate
Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) — Jessie/Sean (“Wanna just pick the one in French?”)
ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKE-UP
Barney’s Version, Adrien Morot — Kate
The Way Back, Edouard F. Henriques, Gregory Funk and Yolanda Toussieng
The Wolfman, Rick Baker and Dave Elsey — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (SCORE)
How to Train Your Dragon, John Powell
Inception, Hans Zimmer
The King’s Speech, Alexandre Desplat
127 Hours, A.R. Rahman
The Social Network, Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SONG)
“Coming Home” from Country Strong, Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and
Hillary Lindsey — Christopher, Kate
“I See the Light” from Tangled, Music by Alan Menken, Lyric by Glenn Slater
“If I Rise” from 127 Hours, Music by A.R. Rahman, Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong — Francesca
“We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3, Music and Lyric by Randy Newman — Emily, Jessie/Sean, Blake
BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
Black Swan — Emily
The Kids Are All Right
The King’s Speech — Christopher, Francesca
The Social Network — Jessie/Sean, Kate, Blake
Toy Story 3
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM
Day & Night — Francesca, Blake
The Gruffalo — Christopher, Kate
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary) — Emily
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM
The Confession — Francesca
The Crush — Emily
God of Love — Christopher, Kate
Na Wewe — Blake
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Blake, Kate
Toy Story 3
Tron: Legacy — Jessie/Sean
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING
Inception — Francesca
The King’s Speech — Blake
The Social Network — Christopher, Emily, Kate
ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 — Kate
Inception — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake
Iron Man 2
127 Hours, Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
The Social Network, Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin — Christopher, Emily, Francesca, Jessie/Sean, Blake, Kate
Toy Story 3, Screenplay by Michael Arndt, Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
True Grit, Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
Winter’s Bone, Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini
Another Year, Written by Mike Leigh
The Fighter, Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson, Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
Inception, Written by Christopher Nolan — Emily, Jessie/Sean
The Kids Are All Right, Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg — Kate
The King’s Speech, Screenplay by David Seidler — Christopher, Francesca, Blake
“OMG GYN: Did you know that the average wait for a GYN appointment in the state of Massachusetts is 70 days?!
At Planned Parenthood, we’ll see you this week!”
Holyoke Mall, Ingleside, Massachusetts (via Alex
If you’re in New York City this weekend, hit up Foley Square tomorrow, as Gloria Steinem and many others will be there, standing up for women’s health.
Every year, after the Grammys, which my father would spent the entirety of moaning and complaining about how there was no good music left in the world, I would take the list of winners that The New York Times published in the paper, and highlight all the artists I knew he liked or would like that had won. Even though it’s mostly a lot of bullshit, there are still lots of smaller categories that don’t get featured that honor musicians who quietly live their lives while making us happier. There are a few of my personal choices on here, such as Lady Gaga, who I know for a fact he was sick to death of hearing about. But variety is the spice of life, and I can and will like her next to Patty Griffin. Whatever the awards show ridiculousness was, and the resulting ridiculous ratings, there’s still some good stuff out there, so chin up kids!
An Abridged List, With Choice Commentary
New Artist: Esperanza Spalding
While Spalding may be new to everyone else, she’s been around for years, and the album she won for was her third.
Female Pop Vocal Performance: Lady Gaga, “Bad Romance”
Pop Instrumental Performance: Jeff Beck, “Nessun Dorma”
Pop Vocal Album: “The Fame Monster,” Lady Gaga
Dance Recording: “Only Girl (In the World),” Rihanna
Electronic/Dance Album: “La Roux,” La Roux
Was there even another way to go?
Rock Instrumental Performance: Jeff Beck, “Hammerhead”
Rock Song: Neil Young (“Angry World,” Neil Young)
Male R&B Vocal Performance: Usher, “There Goes My Baby”
R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals: Sade, “Soldier of Love”
Traditional R&B Vocal Performance: John Legend and The Roots, “Hang On In There”
Urban/Alternative Performance: Cee Lo Green, “_____You”
R&B Song: John Stephens (“Shine,” John Legend and The Roots)
R&B Album: “Wake Up!,” John Legend and The Roots
Contemporary R&B Album: “Raymond V Raymond,” Usher
Rap Solo Performance: Eminem, “Not Afraid”
Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group: Jay-Z and Swizz Beatz, “On To the Next One”
Rap Album: “Recovery,” Eminem
Male Country Vocal Performance: Keith Urban, “ ’Til Summer Comes Around”
The only song I actually like of his is that super sad one “You’ll Think Of Me”, and then maybe also “Somebody Like You.”
Jazz Vocal Album: “Eleanora Fagan (1915-1959): To Billie With Love From Dee Dee,” Dee Dee Bridgewater
Large Jazz Ensemble Album: “Mingus Big Band Live at Jazz Standard,” Mingus Big Band
Rock Or Rap Gospel Album: “Hello Hurricane,” Switchfoot
This is only included because this category is called “Rap Gospel”, a category I didn’t know existed. Another fun fact about Switchfoot: a large percentage of the Walk To Remember soundtrack consists of their songs. Though let’s be real, the one memorable song on that album was a cover of “Dancing In The Moonlight”, a King Harvest song from the 70s covered by Toploader. Though let’s be real, the best cover of that cover is my mother tunelessly singing along to it during a long roadtrip.
Traditional Gospel Album: “Downtown Church,” Patty Griffin
Americana Album: “You Are Not Alone,” Mavis Staples
Bluegrass Album: “Mountain Soul II,” Patty Loveless
Traditional Blues Album: “Joined at the Hip,” Pinetop Perkins and Willie ‘Big Eyes’ Smith
Contemporary Blues Album: “Living Proof,” Buddy Guy
Contemporary Folk Album: “God Willin’ and the Creek Don’t Rise,” Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs
Contemporary World Music Album: “Throw Down Your Heart, Africa Sessions Part 2,” Béla Fleck
Musical Album For Children: “Tomorrow’s Children,” Pete Seeger with the Rivertown Kids and Friends
Spoken Word Album For Children: “Julie Andrews’ Collection of Poems, Songs and Lullabies,” Julie Andrews and Emma Walton Hamilton
Spoken Word Album: “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents Earth,” Jon Stewart With Samantha Bee, Wyatt Cenac, Jason Jones, John Oliver and Sigourney Weaver
Comedy Album: “Stark Raving Black,” Lewis Black
Compilation Soundtrack Album For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media: “Crazy Heart”
Score Soundtrack Album For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media: Randy Newman, “Toy Story 3”
Song Written For Motion Picture, Television Or Other Visual Media: Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett, “The Weary Kind” from “Crazy Heart”
Short Form Music Video: Francis Lawrence and Heather Heller (“Bad Romance,” Lady Gaga)
Long Form Music Video: Tom Dicillo, John Beug, Jeff Jampol, Peter Jankowski and Dick Wolf (“When You’re Strange,” The Doors)
Engineered Album, Non-Classical: Michael H. Brauer, Joe Ferla, Chad Franscoviak and Manny Marroquin (“Battle Studies,” John Mayer)
Remixed Recording, Non-Classical: David Guetta (“Revolver,” Madonna)
Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: Rob Jones and Jack White III (“Under Great White Northern Lights,” the White Stripes)
Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical: Danger Mouse
Classical Album: “Verdi: Requiem,” Riccardo Muti, conductor; Duain Wolfe, chorus master (Ildar Abdrazakov, Olga Borodina, Barbara Frittoli, Mario Zeffiri, Chicago Symphony Orchestra and Chicago Symphony Chorus)
This one’s for Jessie.
The Writers Guild, also know as that union that sends my mom hoards of DVD’s every year with foreboding messages that flash across the screen telling her to please burn this movie the second it ejects from the player and then follows that up with a PLEASE! Please tell all your friends that you loved The Fighter so that Mark Wahlberg will finally be taken seriously, had their awards recently, and while they were not featured on television, Youtube exists for a reason people.
The Guild is divided into East and West (along the Mississippi, proving to us that that river is good for something) but it is ultimately the same organization. Unfortunately, they feel the need to have not one but two award shows. In this economy! No but seriously; compared to the other Guild award shows (Producers, Screenactors, Directors), the Guild acknowledges that writing is one industry that isn’t entirely based out of Los Angeles. New York is there too!
This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a hierarchy between the two shows. Behold, the difference between the opening numbers of the Writers Guild East and West Awards Shows, 2011.
Ok. I love Kristen Schaal so much that it’s pretty clear that this is the better opening. Schaal has become more and more mainstream lately, which pleases me because that means she won’t have to drink 40s for dinner anymore.* She makes a few excellent cracks, explaining that “non-racists like myself like to call” Black Swan just Swan. The East awards show is clearly the black sheep of the two. It’s in some random theater and these videos have pretty poor production quality. But it’s cool, because New York is just too cool for all that, we’re still better and don’t care and will just go back to spilling coffee all over ourselves and chain smoking.
Unsurprisingly, Hollywood pulled out all the stops for this one. The video practically sparkles as Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family break out in a tongue-in-cheek dance to the tune of “Make ‘Em Laugh” from Singin’ in the Rain about being gay, because we all love the gays, or at least Hollywood does. As to be expected, this audience seems super uninterested and unmoved by Stonestreet and Tyler Ferguson’s generally funny and devoted performance. Maybe because it’s LA and they’re sick of actors and this is supposed to be THEIR NIGHT DAMMIT.
But let’s remember, in case we’ve already forgotten: it’s all about the writers. Who are so neurotic and weird that they can’t even properly laugh at jokes they probably wrote for themselves.
*I’ve probably mentioned this before, but this story really sticks with me and is so endearing. In 2009, Schaal told New York Magazine the tale of when she first got to New York:
“I was so broke I’d have a slice of pizza for lunch, and I would drink 40s for dinner to fill me up. My roommate and I experimented with all different kinds of 40s. There was this terrible one called Green Lightning that was almost hallucinogenic. I still keep one unopened can of Crazy Horse on a shelf in my apartment, just to represent that time. I said, I’m going to drink this Crazy Horse when I’m 60 on the French Riviera, topless, and crack it open with the ocean running up my thigh!”
If that’s not the coolest girl alive, I don’t know who is.
1. The John Galliano Christian Dior show features the best consistent set of looks from one collection I’ve seen in years. Buy me all of them and call me Isabella Blow.
The Mulleavy sisters of Rodarte may be getting stiffed at the Oscars, but who cares (well, they probably do)? Melena is just about as pleased as punch as anyone would be to check out these looks in the flesh.
Image by Johannes Eisele/AFP/Getty
4. She looks good. Here’s hoping it lasts:
Why weren’t we watching the NBC Red Carpet? It’s Carson Daly and Alexa Chung and some woman who looks like Lori Loughlin. Now the world, or this room full of people, will never know how much she’s actually like Lori Loughlin. Did she too star as the hot mom in a few choice CW series?
7:00 Of course Angelina and Brad are the first ones we see. They will remain in this half-hugging position for the whole night.
Ricky G. tells us that “It’s going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking.” Here’s hoping Ricky. He starts talking about Charlie Sheen, The Tourist and what a bad movie it was (pan to Johnny Depp, looking amused) and Burlesque, of course (“Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975”). Moving on to other films not nominated, such as the SATC 2 poster airbrushing — “Girls, we know how old you are” — the censors do their job and bleep Christ’s sake, and we get a few John Travolta and Tom Cruise gay scientologist jokes. All in all, not reinventing the wheel, but everyone seems super uncomfortable, so win!
7:02 The Walking Dead is nominated. Shot of Steve Buscemi. Someone back there has a sense of humor.
7:05 And it’s time for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Duh, it’s Christian Bale, which means KB was the loser. Guys, money never ever sleeps.
KB screams “Geoffrey Rush is wearing a chapeau!” He is apparently bald underneath for a film.
Christian Bale makes some long weird comment about Deniro that the censors cut. We’ll never know…
7:09 LL Cool J and Julie Bowen are presenting together. Why, Bowen, why?
First upset of the night: Katey Sagal wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Drama. Loved her on 8 Simple Rules, but here she looks like Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey.
She says to her husband, the creator of Sons of Anarchy: “Sweetheart, I love you. I’m so glad you’re the boss of me.” Woah. They cut her off faster than they cut of Christian Bale. KB notes that that’s because they’re scared for their lives when it comes to Christian. No one has won this round.
Kenneth the page!
7:16 We’re introduced to this years Golden Globe Girl, aka, the lesser Golden Girl(s).
Carlos wins Best Foreign Language Film or whatever. Second upset! And we get to see Kenneth the page again, making that same manic face everytime.
KB: You know its a night of upsets when everyone is coming from the mezzanine.
7:21 Garrett Hedlund, my future husband.
Scott Caan. Jessie gets mad at Kate for not remembering that he was in Oceans 11. Whatever, apparently he has a super hairy chest.
Kenneth the page sighting number 3.
Chris Colfer wins Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee. He looks so genuinely shocked, and the cast is so excited for him (Lea Michele maybe is a good actress, methinks). He says, “I think I just droped my heart between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore, so if you could give it back to me….” Blake has won this round.
7:30 Michelle Pfeiffer is the most beautiful woman alive, except “her armpits go up to Toledo” says Jessie. I don’t know what that means. She will spend the rest of the show looking pissed though, so I don’t know what’s up with that.
Ricky G. makes a joke about the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press, who counters, “Ricky, next time you want me to help qualify your movies, go to another guy.”
7:33 Kevin Bacon is going to be in X-Men?
Steve Buscemi wins, and Boardwalk Empire wins, which mean Kate wins! Did you know my friend Talia used to shred his fan mail for him as an afterschool job? He says, “First of all, I have thank table 114. You guys are a lot of fun.” Apparently he has a relative named Tutti? Maybe he is in the mob.
7:45 Jesse Eisenberg has a soul patch. Dude stop it.
7:47 Burlesque wins for best song, that awful number where Cher just yells that you “Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me.” A Liza Minelli wannabe accepts, though I do love it when non-famous people win. Both Blake and Christopher get this round.
7:50 Best Score goes to The Social Network aka Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. Jessie and Kate win this round duh. But it’s hilarious to see him in a suit.
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical goes to Glee, which is pretty ridic. Ari says, “They’re going to cry over everything. They’re going to cry over tonal shifts in their episodes.”
7:55 Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Hailee Steinfeld and the J. Biebz. Jessie: This is why puberty is awkward, she’s two years younger than him, and like a foot taller.
Ari: I dont know how to feel about kids introducing animated features. AGEISM.
Jessie says, “Maybe Toy Story 3 won’t win”, right as it does. Everybody gets this round. The dude who runs up to accept looks like Ed Helms, and he remarks, “Wow, were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?” Touché, good sir.
This is incredibly unfair. Because he’s not like, super famous, they are legit just cutting to famous people looking bored as he talks.
7:59 Look at Robert Downey Jr. swagger. Maybe it’s because he’s married to to Susan Lucci, right Jessie? He tells a very extensive joke about the women who are nominated for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, and how he’s connected to all of them. Gets awk, but I dig.
Someone notes that Al Pacino and Michael Douglas are slowly becoming the same person. That’s right: OLD WHITE MEN.
And Annette Bening wins! Which means KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily get points. Annette thanks “Mark Ruffalo, our awesome sperm donor, and “MY HUSBAND, WARREN BEATTY!” That’s right, stake your claim girlfriend.
8:11 It’s Tilda and Geoffrey Rush. What a dynamic duo.
Going back to Al Pacino, Ari wonders if it’s weird she always confuses him with Bob Dylan. Kate says no, they both look homeless.
8:16 And Claire Danes wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television, duh. She tells us, “I have to rattle these names off because everyone was so vitalllll,” emphasis on the vital. Slow camera pan in on J.Lo Hew, who is trying not to cry. As Kate was the only one to vote in this category, she wins by default and also brilliance.
8:23 Zac Efron looks like a boy band member. Ari and KB think his tie is too shiny, but Kate likes it.
8:25 Kenneth the page. If you’re trying to make this a drinking game, that’s the fourth sighting.
Steve Carell comes out with Tina Fey, and tells us “Don’t turn the channel! We’re still stars.” Yessir.
Aaron Sorkin wins for Best Screenplay – Motion Picture, which means KB, Blake, Christopher Shea, Francesca and Kate win. Where is JT?!
KB: Aaron, tell us who was better: Kristin Chenoweth or Maureen Dowd?
8:29 Jane Lynch wins Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for Glee, with the group conclusion being that she’s better in other stuff, but we all like her. She says, “My cup runneth over”, but “I am nothing if not falsely humble.” I love a good prepared speech that seems natural and doesn’t require a piece of paper. She also thanks her family in Chicago, and we’re pretty sure she’s talking about us. On that note, Blake and Christopher have got this round.
8:35 Woman from Denmark wins something foreign. Kate says “Denmark. Is she Denmarkein?” It’s clarified that she’s in fact Danish.
8:38 Helen Mirren introduces Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical by explaining that these women are always “gorgeous, smart, beautiful.” Really? Do we need to superlatives about how attractive they are? ‘Cmon Helen. She also uses some weird terminology comparing this process to the lifecycle — inseminated, gestated, given birth — that gives us all a bit of a uncomfortable feeling.
Laura Linney wins for The Big C but couldn’t be bothered to show. (UPDATE: I’m a bitch. Her dad died recently.) Kate goes deaf as KB squeals in her ear. Jessie says that the show is, “about her living her life, like a free bitch.”
8:46 Jane Fonda aka my mother’s celebrity doppleganger hasn’t been at the Globes for 25 years. Guys, that’s embarrassing that you just admitted to losing her invite every year for that long.
Much debate occurs over whether you can see the top of her right nipple. It’s inconclusive. If you have picture evidence, holler at me.
Kaley Cuoco is so genuine about Jim Parsons winning for The Big Bang Theory. Watch this scene if you need convincing he’s worth the time. KB, Blake, Christopher and Kate win this round.
Kate: Hugh Laurie is bald. Accept it and move on.
8:50 Jeremy Irons. Jessie: Mufasaaaa!
Melissa Leo wins Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. She says, “All that and kissed by Jeremy Irons!” Cut to Mark Wahlberg drinking away. It must be sad that you’re surrounded by all this talent and know you won’t get a win boy. Melissa thanks someone for “those few hours we spent in the maritime hotel”, and then realizes what she has just said and clarifies, “No no no you dont know what kind of girl I am!” What kind of girl would that be, Melissa. She makes sure to say, “Mark Wahlberg, you are a prince.” Jessie: He does not like her.
8:59 Cecil B. Demille award and Robert Deniro makes a weird speech. In the introduction by Matt Damon, he tries to act out some of his best scenes. What is this, an audition? Temple Grandin is really bored, and Eva Longoria is sitting next to her? KB tries to start a rumor that something’s going on with those two.
Angelina is looking through Brad to find the waiter. “Bring me more Moet bitch!”
9:07 Deniro was bleeped. We don’t know what he said. but he was workin’ blue, according to Ari.
Ad for Abilify the anti-depressant. Ari says: Is that like Unobtainium?
9:12 Oreo commercial, entitled ‘Lick or be licked.” Kate starts down a dark path with this catchphrase.
Ari: Oreoes dont need to be advertised. The people that are going to buy them are going to buy them. If you see them you won’t suddenly like them. Discuss.
Kate: They totally picked Megan Fox to talk about The Tourist because she’s the poor man’s Angelina.
9:16 David Fincher wins Best Director, which means Blake, Christopher, Francesca and Kate are the champions. Is his speech 4 pages long, or is he blind?
9:18 Christopher: Modern Family is for homophobes.
HUGE outcry in the room.
9:24 Why is Alicia Keys here? Yes, she is a singer, to those in the room who seemed confused.
Paul Giamatti looks like he’s on coke or something, but its just Godiva chocolate? He won in the category that no one good was nominated in, Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical, but Emily wins. They keep bleeping him out. For some reason he says, “Montreal, I dream about it. I salute the great nation of Canada.” That’s probably the first time it’s ever been saluted, so job well done.
As we cut to commercial break, we get a shot of Emma Stone and Mila Kunis who seem very happy to be there, jumping together.
9:28 Commercial for L’Oreal: ‘Imagine if you could grow young.” It’s “inspired by gene science.” This is followed by a commercial for Exboards, which are whiteboards. What has the world come to.
9:32 Joseph Gordon Levitt has a weird button on, and is talking like a weirdo. It’s cool though, he was in 3rd Rock from the Sun.
Jeff Bridges tells us that Natalie Portman has won Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama. We get some shots of him being positioned appropriately on the stage by Miss Golden Girls.
Natalie, you should stick to acting. She tells us, Thank you to Benjamin for helping me bring another life into this world” and “he’s the best actor, he totally wants to sleep with me!” She also thanks Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis. Dear god. She does have a fabulous back, and Darren Aronofsky only has a horrible pedostache.
KB, Blake, Christopher and Emily win, but could have predicted such a horrendous speech?
KB: The Golden Globes is a 50/50 British/American. (Note: This was def the Sunny D and Andre talking. In no way do the awards shake out this way.)
9:54 Michael Douglas gets onstage. Everyone stands, which means KB was right about that. She starts violently hitting Kate while Michael tiredly says, “There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”
The Social Network wins for Best Picture — Drama.
Why is Kevin Spacey hugging Aaron Sorkin? Ari: Because he thinks that its the year 2000 and he won for American Beauty. Chris smiles slyly. Why are the fake Winklevoss’ up there and fucking Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield can’t stop being emo and get up there. David Fincher blames their “left brain combination.”
Ricky G. tells us it’s all over, and “Thank you to god, for making me an atheist.” Sure thing bro.
Blake, our dark horse from out West, wins with a resounding 15 correct answers! Christopher comes in a respectable 10, and Kate, our ever-fearless blogger, comes in with 9. Everyone else ties at 8
What should Blake’s prize be? The opportunity to take over Smart Girls for the day? A nice bottle of Moet (or Andre?) You decide!
And thank you to Gawker for finding this clip. Now I can watch over and over and over again.