Due to some technical difficulties, I begin watching this years VMA pre-show/red carpet on the MTV website. That meant that I got to see a number of different perspectives not seen on television, which I didn’t even know I wanted to partake in, like the audience cam, or the stage door cam. The best part of these angles was the optimal viewing of the randos that make these events possible, who lurk in the background.
But forget them. Onto the famous people!
(9:01) HD is amazinggg. It’s really not just for sports, people. Let’s start the evening off with a performance by Eminem and Rihanna.
Kate: Rihanna, your voice is cracking.
Jake: i feel like this is a Madonna ripoff, a little bit.
Kate: Aww cuties! Hug it out, Hug it out.
Lauren: Did they ever sleep together?
Note — for the rest of this awards show, Lauren will be wikipediaing every person that comes along. This is how we will learn that Eminem is 38! And Usher is 31! What would ages you have guessed for these fine gentlemen?
(9:05) Here’s Lindsay Lohan, trying to salvage her career by matching her skin, hair and dress.
(9:10) Chelsea Handler says, “This is the first time in 16 years that the VMAs have been hosted by a woman.”
Kate: All I notice is that Chelsea, you are covered in glitter and I am loving it.
(9:24) Promo for Bret Michaels’ reality TV show number ohwhoremembersanymore, butthisonedoesnotinvolvearockorlove, “Life As I know it.” Cannot wait.
(9:28) Justin Bieber is channeling Grease. Way to tug at my heartstrings. Unfortunately, he is definitely lip-syncing.
Lauren: Is that illegal here yet? It’s illegal in some countries.
Kate: Britney Spears wouldn’t have a career if that was true.
(9:33) The Buried Life promo! The Social Network promo!
Lauren: Is that JT? He’s not friends with the Zuck!
(9:40) Urshuuur! You had a random bit part in Killers which I watched today! I wonder how you got the choice role of potential assassin, who really just helps Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher out in the drug store by giving them a discount on their pregnancy test?
(9:44) Nicki Minaj, is your ass real?! I’m not sure this photo does it justice, but…
(9:53) This Florence and the Machine performance is making this whole thing worth it.
Jake: That backup dancer, that dude, kinda had some chub.
(9:57) It’s “I wanna be a billionaire, so friggin’ baddd…”
(10:06) Amber Riley from Glee says, “Every lady can see a little bit of herself in Beyoncé.” Can they?
Jane Lynch is screaming for Gaga.
Gaga to Lynch: “I love you!”
And then, “God bless pop music, and God bless MTV!”
(10:07) Minnie: Taylor Swift is killing the mood.
Kate: Agreed. (I’m not even going to post her rebuttal song to Kanye West because it is so boring).
(10:21) Kate: Drake dated Rihanna for awhile, you know.
Lauren: He’s fineee.
Kate: But I don’t know what he is doing with his hands, it looks like he has Parkinsons’.
(10:33) There have been so many times tonight that I have been afraid I was going to see Chelsea Handler’s vagina.
(10:43) Last week, I watched this interview with B.o.B, who told Chelsea Handler that he had never met the girl from Paramore that sings on that song “Airplanes” that they do together. And when Chelsea was like, how did that happen then? He said that they made the track without meeting because it’s “2010.” So can we infer from this live performance that this is the first time they are meeting, because if so, this is HISTORY.
(10:47) They keep cutting off the best performances. Case in point: Robyn.
(10:54) Justin Bieber wins best new artist. Ke$ha rolls her eyes, Lady Gaga tells him how to get up onstage.
(10:55) EMMA STONE. Easy A! At this point I have hyped this movie so far that I think it could be the worst thing I’ve ever seen and I’d still love it. But no! She’s introducing Linkin Park, who is getting the chance to perform at the Griffith Observatory and ruining it, as per the usual. I’m muting this.
Minnie: Linkin Park really? This shit is wack.
Lauren: In 7th grade, when I was in love with my best friend’s boyfriend, he used to send me Linkin Park songs that were set to their breakup. Like how people have a song for a relationship? He had one for the breakup.
Kate: Linkin Park would make me want to break up with someone.
(11:04) CHER. And she’s brought back a variation on this outfit:
Lauren: Katy Perry is going to cry.
Cher just does not care about bossing anyone around. She is legitimately telling people to move away from the teleprompter so she can read it.
Lady Gaga/Cher hug! I’m going to have a heart attack.
Lady Gaga says, “I never thought I’d be asking Cher to hold my meat purse!” Me neither, girl. She’s now crying, and announcing that her new album will be called “Born This Way”, and she sings a few lines from a new song. Her impromptu singing was better than most people’s planned performances this evening.
(11:08) Aziz! Introducing Kanye, for his pentience-performance.
It’s really interesting to me how visual these performances have been. The producers and everyone else involved are impressively aware of how people will be reblogging and rewatching these performances, and seem to be putting even more of an effort into making them worth reliving. And as fast as entertainment moves, it never forgets. This entire show has been wrapped around last year’s Kanye/Taylor debacle, with a few notes in there about Katy Perry meeting now-fiancé Russell Brand here last year as well. She even paid homage to him with her manicure:
Now if that's not love, I don't know what is.