7:27 pm Now we’re trying to out-Greek yogurt each other? “Possibly the best Greek yogurt in the world.” POSSIBLY?
7:31 pm Classic Billy Crystal into where he steps into movies. His face hurts a lot. This might be funnier if I had seen any of these.
Tamara: Was that a Men’s Warehouse joke?
Billy is wearing coattails. He looks even shorter.
It sounds like someone’s phone has a terrible ringtone. (NOTE: FURTHER IN THE SHOW WE WILL REALIZE THIS IS HAPPENING ON EVERYONE’S TV, THANK GOD.)
Christopher: Upp, European teeth.
If Billy Crystal made the Jonah Hill fat joke about a woman, the world would explode.
Tone down the orchestra.
7:43 pm Someone won already? Hugo for Cinematography and Production Design. Why is this husband and wife team not sitting together? Her face looks like Donatella Versace’s.
Pharrell brought out the wannabee steel drums.
They just showed a shot of Jennifer Lopez from The Back-up Plan.
McDonald’s commercial — he’s definitely not going to love you if you keep eating those fries girl.
7:53 pm “I’ll have what she’s having.” Rob Reiner’s mother made it into the the Academy Awards!
7:58 pm Weird moment with Cameron and J.Lo that cannot be explained. “Thanks Meryl, for keeping me employed for the last 34 years.” Woah sir.
8:05 pm Sandra Bullock looks SO serious. Makes reference to China, which is just so funny and oppressed and probably not allowed to watch this show. A Separation wins, and the fact that this dude wrote his speech out, it seems legit.
Is that Nick Nolte’s son? Ouch.
Christian Bale is SO. HOT.
I swear Octavia Spencer is sitting next to Billy Crudup. I swear it.
8:19 pm Did Christopher Guest do this little bit? Plus 1.
Everyone says Bradley Cooper is gay? Not I. Though I guess he did date Renee…
Film editing is my favorite category no joke. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins. We’re debating who we would date of these two. “We’re the editors, so, thank you,” they basically say. Hugo wins for Sound Editing; Bradley Cooper says “Yeah.” And the winners give a great speech: “I just basically want to thank everybody” is the gist, but funny.
Sound Mixing, a totally different category than Sound Editing. Hugo wins, again. The guy who gets up there has shoulders like the dude from The Incredibles.
8:34 pm We got the Muppets and Cirque in the stage. Tell me, people who know, how this works.
The Frenchman is really trying to make it in America.
8:40 pm Robert Downey Jr. just Tebowed? Gwyneth is without cape but looks good. Also look at her lack of botox! Girlfriend’s face is moving all over the place.
Best Doc winners for Undefeated are hot. BLEEEEPPPP.
8:46 pm Academy: We invited Chris Rock, so we’re not racist.
Rango wins. Tamara confuses Gore Verbinski with Gore Vidal and was wondering why he won Best Animated movie. The real Gore thanks “the real world chameleon Mr. Johnny Depp.”
8:51 pm Emma Stone is drunk and loving Visual Effects. A subtle dig at Anne Hathaway and she’s winning the moment. Hugo wins the real moment though, after much discussion in my living room over whether Planet of the Apes was good.
9:01 pm Rooney Mara actually looks happy as Christopher Plummer wins for Best Supporting Actor. We’re trying to not be ageist but we’re being ageist. “When I first emerged from my mother’s womb…” he says.
Tamara: Jonah Hill has had bitchface on all night. Elaine, his “long-suffering wife” is a lot younger than him.
9:09 pm Billy Crystal pretending to read the minds of audience members is the first time he’s been good this night.
MUSIC. Penelope Cruz comes out. Tamara: She’s from Spain, so we have to play this music. The Artist wins, by a dude “who has no formal training.” Christopher: He’s a HACK.
Best Original Song. Bret Mackenzie is still, I believe, the less sexy Conchord.
9:24 pm Angelina, a lot of vag. Look at that pose. And the makeup that she did herself. Remember when she didn’t look like this? Actually looks like a call girl. Her forehead is starting to get a Julia Robert’s quality.
Adapted Screenplay — “Our beautiful Italian flower!”
Woody Allen is such a dick and doesn’t show up for winning for Midnight in Paris.
Christopher on a local Bank of America commercial: I assume this is only showing here.
9:36 pm Mila aka hottie who got to grind some nerds.
Bridesmaids. On size mattering — Maya Rudolph: Yes but not length.
Tuba Atlantic does not win, but the dude that does says “Now I don’t have to wait until the wedding to tell the world how brilliant she is.” Legitimately crying now.
Camera does not know where Documentary Feature is. Of course. I love the way people who actually are from Pakistan say Pakistan. Sharmeen! She won.
9:50 pm Oh my god, you. Best Director. I find Michel Hazanavicius very sexy. “I am the happiest director in the world right now.” Yes, there is definitely no one happier than you on earth right now.
Meryl looks like Caesar’s Palace and it’s phenomenal.
10:03 pm IN MEMORIAM. Christopher is more interested in his dead phone than these dead people. His hand/eye coordination is affecting his texting.
10:10 pm BEST ACTOR. Good thing Natalie is scripted this year. Love it when they all try to act like they’re friends. She should have just memorized this. I mean, isn’t she an actress.
French man has someone who does his eyebrows “well.”
Alex: [Uggie] is totally the dog from Frasier.
Ari: He’s not! MOOSE DIED.
WE ARE FRENCH WE DO THIS.
10:23 pm Oh right, Colin Firth won last year. I liked him with the greyer hair.
Colin: “Meryl. Mamma Mia…I was gay, we were happy….You are unreasonably good.”
Wait, he and Michelle worked on Dawson’s Creek together? And she was his mentor? That’s what we’re getting from this.
MERYL WOAH. She goes over to Viola of course. “When they called my name I could hear everyone in American say, ‘Ohhhh not her.’ Well, whatever.” She and her hairstylist both won and they call each other out.
Kate: How can you hate?
Chris: (I can. I can) No I can’t!
10:32 pm And we’re ending the night on Tom Cruise. That’s depressing.
War Horse, amirite?
And, The Artist wins. Chris: Harvey Fierstein is just like “YESSSSSSSS.”
“I would like to say very very important things.” And you shall sir. You shall.