This is going to be me and Mom in a month. SONOMA here we come. I will admit that it was the addition of this piece on The Hairpin to the internet archives that convinced me to bite the bullet and just buy the tickets. That and I’m clearly going to hunt down our good Bachelor friend Ben (nee F.).
The past two days have been like the harsh cold of winter when you are released from slumber by the cruel alarm clock calling you to your life’s work: being on the internet.
No, not really, but I was reminded that Starz Instant Play would be yanked from Netflix tomorrow.
After a panicked look at everything I would be losing, what movie did I choose to say goodbye on? A little ’90s divorce classic called Bye Bye Love.
The main cast is stellar and full of your favorites, but it’s really the supporting cast that should have won best ensemble somewhere.
These two were the child stars of their generation (see One Fine Day. SEE IT.). You may now know Mae Whitman for being a legitimate television actor, but she then she was just the cutest little girl on, anywhere. Our good friend Ross Maligner (did not know his name before I looked it up) played the young child Jonah in Sleepless in Seattle who they spend way too much screentime on.
And finally, that is DJ Jack Black, practicing his talents for a future turn in High Fidelity.
7:27 pm Now we’re trying to out-Greek yogurt each other? “Possibly the best Greek yogurt in the world.” POSSIBLY?
7:31 pm Classic Billy Crystal into where he steps into movies. His face hurts a lot. This might be funnier if I had seen any of these.
Tamara: Was that a Men’s Warehouse joke?
Billy is wearing coattails. He looks even shorter.
It sounds like someone’s phone has a terrible ringtone. (NOTE: FURTHER IN THE SHOW WE WILL REALIZE THIS IS HAPPENING ON EVERYONE’S TV, THANK GOD.)
Christopher: Upp, European teeth.
If Billy Crystal made the Jonah Hill fat joke about a woman, the world would explode.
Tone down the orchestra.
7:43 pm Someone won already? Hugo for Cinematography and Production Design. Why is this husband and wife team not sitting together? Her face looks like Donatella Versace’s.
Pharrell brought out the wannabee steel drums.
They just showed a shot of Jennifer Lopez from The Back-up Plan.
McDonald’s commercial — he’s definitely not going to love you if you keep eating those fries girl.
7:53 pm “I’ll have what she’s having.” Rob Reiner’s mother made it into the the Academy Awards!
7:58 pm Weird moment with Cameron and J.Lo that cannot be explained. “Thanks Meryl, for keeping me employed for the last 34 years.” Woah sir.
8:05 pm Sandra Bullock looks SO serious. Makes reference to China, which is just so funny and oppressed and probably not allowed to watch this show. A Separation wins, and the fact that this dude wrote his speech out, it seems legit.
Is that Nick Nolte’s son? Ouch.
Christian Bale is SO. HOT.
I swear Octavia Spencer is sitting next to Billy Crudup. I swear it.
8:19 pm Did Christopher Guest do this little bit? Plus 1.
Everyone says Bradley Cooper is gay? Not I. Though I guess he did date Renee…
Film editing is my favorite category no joke. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins. We’re debating who we would date of these two. “We’re the editors, so, thank you,” they basically say. Hugo wins for Sound Editing; Bradley Cooper says “Yeah.” And the winners give a great speech: “I just basically want to thank everybody” is the gist, but funny.
Sound Mixing, a totally different category than Sound Editing. Hugo wins, again. The guy who gets up there has shoulders like the dude from The Incredibles.
8:34 pm We got the Muppets and Cirque in the stage. Tell me, people who know, how this works.
The Frenchman is really trying to make it in America.
8:40 pm Robert Downey Jr. just Tebowed? Gwyneth is without cape but looks good. Also look at her lack of botox! Girlfriend’s face is moving all over the place.
Best Doc winners for Undefeated are hot. BLEEEEPPPP.
8:46 pm Academy: We invited Chris Rock, so we’re not racist.
Rango wins. Tamara confuses Gore Verbinski with Gore Vidal and was wondering why he won Best Animated movie. The real Gore thanks “the real world chameleon Mr. Johnny Depp.”
8:51 pm Emma Stone is drunk and loving Visual Effects. A subtle dig at Anne Hathaway and she’s winning the moment. Hugo wins the real moment though, after much discussion in my living room over whether Planet of the Apes was good.
9:01 pm Rooney Mara actually looks happy as Christopher Plummer wins for Best Supporting Actor. We’re trying to not be ageist but we’re being ageist. “When I first emerged from my mother’s womb…” he says.
Tamara: Jonah Hill has had bitchface on all night. Elaine, his “long-suffering wife” is a lot younger than him.
9:09 pm Billy Crystal pretending to read the minds of audience members is the first time he’s been good this night.
MUSIC. Penelope Cruz comes out. Tamara: She’s from Spain, so we have to play this music. The Artist wins, by a dude “who has no formal training.” Christopher: He’s a HACK.
Best Original Song. Bret Mackenzie is still, I believe, the less sexy Conchord.
9:24 pm Angelina, a lot of vag. Look at that pose. And the makeup that she did herself. Remember when she didn’t look like this? Actually looks like a call girl. Her forehead is starting to get a Julia Robert’s quality.
Adapted Screenplay — “Our beautiful Italian flower!”
Woody Allen is such a dick and doesn’t show up for winning for Midnight in Paris.
Christopher on a local Bank of America commercial: I assume this is only showing here.
9:36 pm Mila aka hottie who got to grind some nerds.
Bridesmaids. On size mattering — Maya Rudolph: Yes but not length.
Tuba Atlantic does not win, but the dude that does says “Now I don’t have to wait until the wedding to tell the world how brilliant she is.” Legitimately crying now.
Camera does not know where Documentary Feature is. Of course. I love the way people who actually are from Pakistan say Pakistan. Sharmeen! She won.
9:50 pm Oh my god, you. Best Director. I find Michel Hazanavicius very sexy. “I am the happiest director in the world right now.” Yes, there is definitely no one happier than you on earth right now.
Meryl looks like Caesar’s Palace and it’s phenomenal.
10:03 pm IN MEMORIAM. Christopher is more interested in his dead phone than these dead people. His hand/eye coordination is affecting his texting.
10:10 pm BEST ACTOR. Good thing Natalie is scripted this year. Love it when they all try to act like they’re friends. She should have just memorized this. I mean, isn’t she an actress.
French man has someone who does his eyebrows “well.”
Alex: [Uggie] is totally the dog from Frasier.
Ari: He’s not! MOOSE DIED.
WE ARE FRENCH WE DO THIS.
10:23 pm Oh right, Colin Firth won last year. I liked him with the greyer hair.
Colin: “Meryl. Mamma Mia…I was gay, we were happy….You are unreasonably good.”
Wait, he and Michelle worked on Dawson’s Creek together? And she was his mentor? That’s what we’re getting from this.
MERYL WOAH. She goes over to Viola of course. “When they called my name I could hear everyone in American say, ‘Ohhhh not her.’ Well, whatever.” She and her hairstylist both won and they call each other out.
Kate: How can you hate?
Chris: (I can. I can) No I can’t!
10:32 pm And we’re ending the night on Tom Cruise. That’s depressing.
War Horse, amirite?
And, The Artist wins. Chris: Harvey Fierstein is just like “YESSSSSSSS.”
“I would like to say very very important things.” And you shall sir. You shall.
5:44 pm Pharrell is here? Talking about Hans Zimmer and Union regulations. So I guess he helped on the music for this show or something.
We get it Michelle. You’re cute and dainty.
Bérénice Bejo and Viola Davis decided to wear exactly the same outfit and have exactly the same hair color. Kelly Osbourne: “I love that she kept her hair the way that it is” aka LIKE A BLACK WOMAN.
5:47 pm George and Stacy are not the couple of the night, Kelly Osbourne. One dude cannot hold up the dead weight of his partner.
5:54 pm Rooney Mara blah blah. I still like her sister better. Also BUSY PHILLIPS.
Glenn Close is wearing a blazer. Alex: You are not weird enough to be wearing weird things. You are not Tilda.
Jonah Hill and his mom have the same nose.
Maya Rudolph says Beyonce is “lovely and cool and totally positive.” Unsurprising. Also Nelly Furtado “did not care for my impression of her.”
6:12 pm Giuliana: I love how Ryan’s ignoring me right now. Story of your life Giuliana — the one person that is supposed to listen to you doesn’t.
E! gives us a close-up of the socks, as if we care.
6:23 pm Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, my favorite couple. Melanie licks her lips while watching Antonio. Classic.
Tina Fey, wearing exactly what she always wears. That’s because it’s “custom” Carolina Herrera.
JENNIFER LOPEZ IS STANDING NEXT TO TINA FEY. J.Lo also chastises Ryan for making her wait, calls him baby twice, and has amazing-looking breasts (IRONIC FORESHADOWING).
Alex: Ryan, stop telling people this story about your “ashing.” It might be new to them, but it’s not new to us.
6:28 pm EMMA STONE. We’ve seen this dress before but I still love it. I like that her hair matches her dress. THEY SHAKE HANDS.
6:32 pm Why is Sarah Hyland on this panel? E! is obsessed with her.
Oh this is why, I’ve been informed.
6:45 pm This explains everything:
Why isn’t E! showing the red carpet anymore? Per @AndyLevy, ABC has exclusive red carpet rights after 7:30p ET. (via @jonathanwald)
7:04 pm Gwyneth and Cameron are best friends and got ready together? Sure…We’re just hearing about this?
7:12 pm Is Brad Pitt nominated for Troy 2?
Sandra, the plastic surgery…She just yelled about how happy she is to be here, which means she’d really like to be at home on the couch. Sandra, you’re invited over here.
Kate: Why is Tom Hanks giving us a behind-the-scenes tour? Tamara: Because he’s like, a luminary.
These starlets are pretty bummed that IFC televised an awards show they could usually have fun at without worrying about sabotaging their careers.
I’m sorry, was Anna Kendrick in Drive? Or does she just not want to clap because she, like everyone else, wants to sleep with Ryan Gosling and is desperately afraid of blowing her chances?
Kristen Dunst is well-acquainted with how to be awkward when people are saying things she doesn’t know what to do with.
Oh wait, but Patricia Clarkson don’t give a FUCK if anyone sees what she thinks of Chris Brown.
Ellen: What did you do for Valentine’s Day, Taylor Swift?
Taylor Swift: “I actually had a pathetic single girls partyyy. It was cool. That’s actually what it was called, I’m not saying being single is pathetic, because we’ve talked about this, I think it’s awesome. But I had like all my single girlfriends over and we ate junk food and just like ate whatever we wanted and danced and we made these little profile cards about why we’re single.”
Ellen: What are you top 5 favorite moments of life?
Taylor Swift: “Winning album of the year at the Grammys, playing Gillette Stadium, singing with James Taylor, standing ovation at the Grammys, buying my cat.”