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God It Really Was Such A Good Year For Latinos: The Golden Globes Unlive Blog 2012

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7:01 pm Angelina and Brad look TERRIBLE.

From later in the evening — see?

Meryl Streep is wearing a chip clip in her hair.

“ContROVosee.” Brits are weird. Jodie Foster reaches for the wine.
“I don’t care” that everyone here hates me. Yes you do Ricky.

7:05 pm “Dame Helen Mirren’s got good PR but she’s usually terrible.” Nice Ricky. I hope that one day I am referred to Dame Kate Dries.
Why was Amanda Peet wearing glasses? Sorry girl. You have become Lake Bell but not as cool.
Ricky to Johnny Depp: “Have you seen The Tourist yet?” Johnny isn’t such a good actor, because he’s having a hard time faking interest in that joke.

7:08 pm Gerard Butler looks like Wolverine. Alex: Do not insult Hugh Jackman.
Wouldn’t it be funny if Kenneth Branagh lost to Jonah Hill?
Don’t worry, Christopher Plummer won. They don’t cut to Jonah Hill when Plummer is thanking his fellow nominees. Way to start this night off with a bang with an old rambly person, who calls Ewan McGregor Ewan “my hearts in the highlands” McGregor

7:13 pm Elle Macpherson is sashaying like a saltshaker.
Zooey Deschanel has weird ’60s style hair, sorry Zo. Tina Fey peaks behind Amy Poehler. Love them.

Laura Dern’s “mother” on Enlightened is wearing an inflatable vest or parka.

7:19 pm Julianne Moore a. why are you holding hands with Rob Lowe b. you always have emerald green we get that you are a redhead c. why put a ruffle around your hips.

Mini-series is actually an impressive category this year.
The woman in Downton who looks like Katie Holmes is wearing a nice dress. Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore are suddenly part of Downton Abbey on this stage, and look okay with it.

7:23 pm Kate Winslet! Who apparently has a new boyfriend. Her dress is too short.

Why is Diane Lane sitting next to Susan Sarandon’s daughter?

7:32 pm Jeremy Irons puts his arm around the pres of the HFP, as if to protect her from the bloggers.
Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a double-breasted suit.

Paula Patton, is Rachel still dressing you? You should fire her.

Mindy Kaling @mindykaling Oh please Kelsey Grammar, fall off the stage #goldenglobes

Have gotten Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney confused twice tonight. Both hot.

7:38 pm Homeland wins. Christopher loves.
Debate begins between two members of the group who are still watching House. I have now found the last two people on earth who watch house.
Who did Tina Fey and Amy fuck to get to sit next to each other?

7:42 pm Alex wants to know why there are no cats in the Google Chrome ad.

7:46 pm Christopher: These are all really good scores actually (right before the War Horse comes on).
“I’m sorry I’m French.” Quote of the night.

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas! Their love knows no bounds.

7:51 pm Madonna’s voice is lots of accents. Mary J. Blige is like “Fuck this why did I even bother.

Don’t worry, I just poured red wine on my sock.

7:57 pm Deborah, you should also fire Rachel Zoe.

7:59 pm Everyone is getting played off, even Idris.
Brad Pitt needs to put the cane away. Angelina needs to put away her terrible old lady makeup and dress.

Drinking Moet, like the wealthy they are.

Seth, that joke about your private parts is not good enough for you. “Congratulations. Hi,” Seth says to Michelle. Okay, you’ve redeemed yourself.
“I consider myself a mother first and and actress second.” – Michelle Williams. Would a man ever say that?

@emilynussbaum I consider myself a Tweeter first and a mother second, so I’m rollin’ my eyes.

8:07 pm “Snapshot Stalkers.” I love the 10 o’clock news.

I had no idea Piper Perabo and Sarah Michelle Gellar were good enough friends to play dueling skirts onstage.

8:10 pm Peter Dinklage: “I haven’t seen Mildred Pierce but I’m sure it’s good.”

I don’t know how people can get upset about the Kardashian’s and not get upset about Jessica Alba (who was styled by Brad Goreski. I know you need the money Brad but ugh).

Nicole, can you sit down in that? Should I be worried? Clive Owen has started with the spraytan. Nicole has to make up his acceptance speech because Woody Allen couldn’t be bothered for winning for Best Screenplay for what was actually a good movie! Blah blah Woody.

Jessica Lange: This award is just a topper on the cake that is my life!

8:30 pm UP ALL NIGHT. Megan Mullaly! Something to look forward to.
Madonna wins. “I grew up watching movies”…in this small British enclave outside of Detriot — Christopher as Madonna.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to people we don’t care about. But, “He’s kind of dreamy on the right” says Christopher.

SLOTAT (Secret Life of the American Teenager) spotting.

8:34 pm Is Dustin Hoffman dying?
The actress from Necessary Roughness was nominated? “My generation” Claire Danes wins so Christopher is happy. You did previously win for My So-Called Life!

The Golden Globes theme song is better if you sing it like scatting.

8:42 pm Emily Blunt rock it.
Why did they cut to Sascha Baron Cohen during Tina Fey’s presentation? Sometimes I think the dudes in the control room are just bored.
Thomas Jane really is a douche. WHATTTT Eric Stonestreet looks (fairly) pissed that he lost to Matt LeBlanc. Could he be more bored?

8:47 pm I think they got Bradley Cooper to present that award because he speaks French.
“I would to thank table 10” – Octavia Spencer

Richard Lawson @rilaws Hate to be this person, but the way Hollywood actors collectively applaud themselves for liking a black person is so uncomfortable.

8:56 pm Morgan…Freeman. Oh god this is going to be dull.
What has he been in?

9:03 pm “I can’t tell you what it feels like…” for a girl? He says in his acceptance speech.
Alex: I have yet to see it be a good year for Latinos. Another L’Oreal comemercial: Irish. Australian. Italian. Truematch. Etc. W3 nudebeige.

9:11 pm Robert Downey Jr. for shame! That penguin tux. Christopher: Rumor has it, no longer sober.
“Daring euphoric golden globe best film motion picture for best comedy.”
So he’d never won the oscar and now he’s won the oscar and he’ll never stop winning re: Marty.

I wonder who was responsible for making sure Ricky had decreasing amounts of liquor in that cup.
Wow it’s taken this long to mention either Glee or Modern Family. I didn’t know how good I had it
Phil is wearing a white jacket though! Christopher: I wore a white jacket to my prom. It did not look good. The dude told me I’d look like Frank Sinatra.
Julie Bowen and Sophia Vergara do really hate each other. Julie’s just mad she looks like Glinda.

“Up next, Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel.” Oh good, I can take my nap then.

WAIT RYAN GOSLING IS NOT THERE. “Hey girl, sorry I couldn’t attend.”
Hello hello hello we are so French say the people from The Artist. “I’m French too!” Maybe he’s the French Jon Hamm.

“Just the right amount of wrong.” I really enjoy these commercials.

9:35 pm Meryl looks like she might die. Took off her glasses just in time for this award. Does Meryl get a teleprompter for her speech? David Fincher does not want to go up and give Meryl her glasses! No music for Meryl! God = Harvey Weinstein.

9:41 pm Remember Natalie’s terrible speeches last year? Glad we won’t get a repeat of that.

9:48 pm Wow Natalie wanted to get off that stage and back to tending to her dress.
George Clooney has officially made me not like him anymore. Congratulations.
Christopher congratulates Michael Fassbender on his “mega-peen.”

If my mom could have her way, she’d be a combo of Diane Keaton, Meryl and Jane Fonda.

9:54 pm If you didn’t know from the music, The Descendants takes place in Hawaii.

The Golden Globes literally just ended with Alexander Payne thanking my Uncle John! Gotta rep the lawyers. This is how Tilda Swinton feels about that:

And we’ll leave you with this photo, where you can determine for yourself if Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy look alike.

This Has Been A Great Year For Latinos: The Golden Globes Red Carpet Unlive Blog 2012

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6:18 pm They just beeped Elton John saying “Madonna hasn’t gotten a fucking chance.”
Elle Macpherson is dressing like she’s nominated, when in fact she is just repping her new PR spinoff.

6:21 pm Rob Lowe is an alcoholic. Or he’s obsessed with how everyone else is.
Evan Rachel Wood looks 45. Gucci Premiere made her dress FOR HER. Alex: I don’t care if it’s Black Swanny, I like it.

This Asian girl host is a super Social Network Brenda Song. And looks like a Caesar’s Palace waitress.

6:27 pm Since when is best original song a category we care about? Alex: Since Madonna and Elton John were involved.

6:33 pm Who would have thunk that Ali McBeal and Indiana Jones would still be together after all these years?

Our Host friend in the teal: What a great year for Latinos! We’ve done so well! Salma Hayek:…
OH my god it’s almost like you’re integrated into society!

6:36 pm Natalie Portman enters. Emily: Kind of inauguration ball.
I’m fairly certain we haven’t seen her since this time last year.

The commercials are really pushing Abilify on me. I don’t like what they’re implying.

6:41 pm Carson Daly looks so excited to be here. Not.

I KNEW that it was Tina Fey from behind and far away #assthatwontquit
Alex: Her hair looks like Kristen Stewart in between roles.

George and Stacy. I just can’t stop laughing at the two of them together. In other news, the producer of this pre-show is giving all the men to Carson.
An Australian starts talking. Kate: OH HELLLLLLLO.

6:45 pm Emma Stone says “Oh Hello!” to our poor man’s Brenda Song. I wonder if they’ll talk about both sleeping with Andrew Garfield. Emma may be drunk, but she’s wearing Lanvin.

Jennifer Lopez is 100% Puerto Rican. Good. To. Know. Also is a W6 sunbeige.

I still cannot believe Big Miracle got made.

I wish I could just get a Camelback for wine tonight.

6:52 pm Reese looks big. Adam Levine is “a homeless person” to Carson Daly.

WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOUR HELEN.

6:55 pm Sofia Vergara aka the LATINOS ARE HERE.

Unrelated: Emily says “Things I learn about dating someone in their 30s — they text you about 60 Minutes. Also, when they say ‘Talk to you tomorrow’ they mean they will CALL YOU ON THE PHONE.

And this is the moment that the screen changed from our good friend White But Thinks She’s Latino, Carson Daly, and Caesar’s Palace waitress, to the Globes. They are but a specter in time. SEE YOU THERE.

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