Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

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The Tony’s Have A Lot Of Gays, Did You Know: Unlive Blog

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7:01 Neil Patrick Harris tells us that this show is “not just for gays anymore.”
Sara: Who choreographs the Tony’s? Do you think they’re really impressed with themselves?
Christopher: I’m sure they think, I’m going to bring my art to the masses.

7:03 Is that Al Pacino in a headband?
Brooke Shields has already fucked up. It wasn’t even funny enough to wait for

Bobby Canavale aka Cupid looks horrible.
This is so low budget.
Christopher: They moved it out of Radio City Music Hall, so it’s in some sort of warehouse somewhere.

7:05 Sara: What is it to have a gay costume?
Christopher: Jim Parsons. Ambiguously gay Jim Parson’s doesn’t know how to react.

7:07 Christopher: Can we pick randomly, having seen none of these, who is going to win?
I wish there was a red carpet for this, I feel like I haven’t prepared with enough judgment.
Christopher: Wait, they are not all first time nominees.
Ellen Barkin wins Best Featured Actress in a play. Performing in A Normal Heart is the most important part of her career, because it has taught her that one person can change the world.
Thank you “you Jewish boy.” That you malatof cocktail. Slim shoulders. Alec Baldwin looks like hes on the edge of his seat while standing.

7:11 It’s Matthew “I’m closeted” Broderick and the dude from Mad Men. He’s between seasons on the show, so he can do whatever he want with his hair, ok Chris?
Daniel Radcliffe can be my shortie any day. This camera that is shooting him dancing from below is awesome.
Christopher thinks it was a questionable decision to have him do the big dance numbers and calls it messy choreography.

7:17
There’s a reason they didn’t televise that win.

[Redacted: Comments on Ben Brantley from unnamed source]

7:22 I just want you guys to know I’m missing the premiere of Ice Loves Coco for this.
Oh my god John Leguizamo’s pants are so poorly tailored. Did you guys you know he’s from Queens and his immigrant parents? JACKSON HEIGHTS. Gag me. This picture of him in his High School yearbook would be funnier if the girl next to him didn’t have the same afro as him.

7:25 Oh dear, John Cryer closeup.
So you’re an alcoholic. Sara: Point of this story — I drink too much.

7:28 Viola davis does not hide her glee that John Benjamin Hickey has also won for A Normal Heart. “It’s cool to be on a list with all these other people — who are they?”
Christopher: I would literally bang him. Kate: I like his glasses.
Let the record show that they cut Hickey off, but not Ellen “sort of famous” Barkin.
Christopher: Oh and he gave a shoutout to AIDS — very nice.

7:32 Just figured out that this is Norman Leo Butz performing from his voice. I hoping he’s just pretending to have packed on the pounds, but Christopher says he was always a little tubs.
They are getting so trigger-happy with the bleeping.
Christopher: I wouldn’t say this song was even remotely catchy.

7:39 E.T.: “New York’s biggest stars sign off on their disgraced congressman.” Us: Why?
Neil Patrick Harris hits us with 30 seconds of Spiderman jokes. Of course, the Julie Taymor joke was the only good one.

We discussed Fraiser at length over dinner, so I’m so pleased to see David Hyde Pierce. We think he has aged well.
Trey Parker is no priest in that suit — it’s sequined.
We’re counting “Partner” shoutouts — it’s been 2 so far. Trey Parker desperately wants to say something.
Christopher: Wait is he gay? Kate: I don’t know, his shirt is.
Why didn’t Ellen Barkin thank Joel Grey?
Christopher’s mother says “Gag” to this win.

7:45 Glad War Horse won, because that clip was amazing to look at. But Christopher says the script is awful.
Sara: Just shut out the woman. Get rid of her.

We’re dancing to minstrel music. Inappropriate?
Christopher: I don’t quite know what this means that this has been done in a minstrel style — this just seems straight camp.

7:53 Christopher: Are cereal makers chefs? Discuss.
There are a lot of visual metaphors in this COPD commercial for Spiriva.

7:57 I like that Angela Lansbury gets her own little notepad. Teleprompters are for chumps.
What a classy broad. Lost, but classy.

Harry Connick Jr. could go die in a hole and we would all be okay. I feel as though he’s a pathetic choice of wet dream for fifty-somethings.

7:59 Nikki M. James is legit SPAZZING over her win for Book of Morman. “Tony, come on over and live with me.” She comes from a long line of bumblebees, everyone.
Stage actresses are horrible.

8:02 Sara asks that Steven Colbert please be funny. He uses the phrase “double-down” so I’m sure we’ll be okay.

8:06 I know Book of Morman is supposed to be really good or something, but I’m unimpressed. Sara is really confused, and also thinks this dude licks his lips too much.
Mutual of Omaha bank tells us that its okay to join a rollerderby team at 30, instead of getting married and having babies.

8:13 Oh so Hugh Jackman is making fun of Neil Patrick Harris — hilarious. Any show you can host, I can host better. REALLY. This is such an obvious medley.
Christopher: The innuendos are not subtle. “You’re the top”?

8:17 Brooke Shields is going to be in The Addams Family? They just bleeped her so bad. That’s two fuck-ups in one show.
Could John Larroquette look more underwhelmed? Oh wait, he almost cried, so we’re in the clear.

8:20 Bono anddddd The Edge. GAG ME. They say, “We used to be famous for being in U2….” All these jokes about Spiderman are really tasteless. They just let them talk endlessly to apologize and get people interested in the show — classy.
Christopher: This sounds like an Evanescence song. There better be some flyinnn soon.
The performance from Spiderman is going to consist of Peter Pan and Mary Jo Watson literally just sitting there and singing. Christopher: I would say that this is the biggest failure of the evening, with this apology introduction for the shit that will follow. His nose looks so smooth. I am literally amazed that he looks like a lady.

8:32 I’m really sad we missed Costume Design. The way that dude was fingering his award looked sexy.
None of us are impressed with Robin Williams.
Sara: I wonder what mormons think of this musical? Or are they not allowed to watch…

8:37 Sister Act performance introduced by Whoopi Goldberg.
Sara: (to Whoopi Goldberg) Get it girl. Get it bag lady.
I will admit that until right now, I had no idea what Sister Act was about. Thanks Whoopi Goldberg.
Christopher: Do you think she gets dressed and acknowledges that she looks crazy, or goes “Yea, I look good”?
Christopher: I like that every church has a gigantic Virgin Mary lording over everything.
Sara: I don’t know what, but I’m enjoying this. Maybe it’s the wine, or I’m just so desperately bored with everything. Oh those crazy black people!

8:44 Christopher: I’ve seen a lot of ads for different flavors of Yoplait, and I’ve never been tempted.

8:46 I’m a little bored of Betty White, I’ll admit. She’s not magic.
Marg Hellenberger looks amazing.

Largest applause thus far has been for this puppet horse. Bad sign?
Patrick Wilson really can’t catch a break, can he?

GAY MARRIAGE GUYS, theater really does(n’t) matter. But A Normal Heart wins for Best Revival of a Play.
Christopher: Larry Kramer is wearing a legitimate snuggie.
“Dearest loving mother…to gay people everywhere, who I love so.” The chosen people = The gays, not the jews now.

Re: this performance of last year’s Memphis — bring in the Children when things are dull.

9:05 Sara thinks that Joel Grey is 80 years old. I think he looks damn good. We are all so pleased with Anything Goes and Cole Porter, as per the usual.

They are both floored: Chris — This is such a good musical. Sara — I have chills. Finally the Tony’s deliver.

9:16 Lookingglass wins Regional Theater!
Vanessa Redgrave and James Earl Jones.
I can’t share the story that Christopher just told, but let it be known, it’s a doozy.
I love how James Earl Jones made like 2 bucks for Star Wars.
Christopher: They’re both such slow talkers.
Who’s she searching for with her eyes?

9:20 I had no idea Christie Brinkley was dying to be a Playboy Bunny. Christopher: Wow, wow. You’re bringing a lot to the table.

9:24 Kelsey Grammer. He’s really a horrendous person, it appears. But Anything Goes wins the Tony Award, so props.

9:28 I love Tyne Daley. The silver hair and the tan skin is contrasting nicely.

9:35 Frances McDormand is wearing glasses and a JEAN JACKET. Not to mention the hair.
Crack. You can say that again.
Sara: Did she just get out of the shower?
Kate: No, she can’t, as she hasn’t washed her hair for a year.
LOOK AT HER WALK OFF STAGE.
Daniel must compose himself before speaking. “Um…”
Are Sutton Foster and Bobby Canavale together? Yes, they just kissed.
“I’ve never been happier in my life….”
She’s getting emotional over her dresser leaving her. “And he’s moving to Cape Cod and I love you SO MUCH!!!!” He (nameless) is apparently “the most talented artist”, but since he’s only defined by his role in Sutton’s life, she gives no plug to perhaps, I don’t know, push his career forward? Also why Cape Cod?
Sara: I don’t know what’s better: homeless person Frances McDormand, or overly emotional Sutton Foster.

9:42 Why are the Weather Girls performing? Also David Letterman’s annoying lackey. But this song has always been pretty sexy (“Absolutely soaking wet,” anyone?).
Christopher: I really love that there is an industry where people like Frances McDormand and Sutton Foster are celebrated for being as crazy as they are.

9:47 Some debates going on over the Ray LaMontagne song “Trouble.” In case you were wondering, it is not “Dog in my ‘scrot.”

9:51 Mother with the Hat sounds like a very different play than it is intended to be…
Jerusalum dude wins — Boeing Boeing was amazing, so props.
This speech about walking through walls is amazing and obviously memorized. Note: It is apparently a poem by Louis Jenkins.
Christopher: That was like a set-up for a Groupon joke that never ended.

9:53 Norbert Leo Lutz wins! I love him! He’s emotional.
Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones’ shoulder bones.
I like to pronounce CAA “Kaaaa, Kaaa.”

Dressers win for the night!

9:58 Chris predicts Book of Mormon. WOAH CHRIS, WOAH. He tells us that “We know what the best musical is, it’s such a waste of time, it’s like taking a hooker to dinner.” Classy.

Trey Parker: “Thank you, this has been really, really cool.”

Chicago Sky

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