Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Yeah, He’s Not Calling You, Ever

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Or maybe you’re a creepy match made in heaven. Only time will tell.
Chevy Cruze to read back Facebook status updates, make / ruin your night [World News Mania]

An Open Letter to Jennifer Aniston

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Dear Jennifer Aniston,

I was at the gym the other day when I saw a commercial for your new movie, Just Go With It. The commercial concluded with an overweight woman reacting to Brooklyn Decker getting out of the ocean by turning to you, JenAn, and saying something along the lines of, “It’s women like her who make you and I uncomfortable wearing bathing suits.” I’m sorry, but no.

I know your very famous husband very famously dumped you for a very famous beautiful person. I’d have self-esteem issues too if that happened to me. But I promise — you’re gorgeous.

All you have to do is look at the billboard for this same movie where you are rocking a very sexy dress. I’d kill for your body. And as MC said, your hair is the perfect honey blonde. Rock it girl.

And the best way to rock it is to not make a movie where the central conceit is not based around you being uglier than this other girl.

I’ve been a fan of yours since Friends and I’ve seen most, if not all, of your terrible movies. So this is an intervention. Make crappy movies (I don’t care – I love them all the same), but don’t make movies where the plot is formed around you not being as hot as Brooklyn Decker. It just pisses off your fans. And does a disservice to you and your hotness.

Much Love,
KB

PS: Office Space is an underrated film. I really think it’s your best work.

Editor’s Note: I have been unable to find the spot that KB refers to on the internet (if you come across it, let me know!). Please instead subsidize your viewing pleasure this Super Bowl teaser trailer. Note the repeated footage of Brooklyn Decker rising from the water, and the end tagline “Tell your girlfriend it’s a romantic comedy.” Charming.

Maybe This Makes Me A Bad Feminist

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But I just can’t. stop. staring.

Image via Splash News

But that’s the point, right? To assuage my guilt, I’ll post this from 1977 as well, and be all like “Look how far we’ve come! Oh, the injustice!”:

No, that doesn’t work either, it’s just funny too and I want that t-shirt. Alarming that New West Magazine never got off the ground, with such a stellar ad campaign.

This Year, People Heard About The Writers Guild Awards

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The Writers Guild, also know as that union that sends my mom hoards of DVD’s every year with foreboding messages that flash across the screen telling her to please burn this movie the second it ejects from the player and then follows that up with a PLEASE! Please tell all your friends that you loved The Fighter so that Mark Wahlberg will finally be taken seriously, had their awards recently, and while they were not featured on television, Youtube exists for a reason people.

The Guild is divided into East and West (along the Mississippi, proving to us that that river is good for something) but it is ultimately the same organization. Unfortunately, they feel the need to have not one but two award shows. In this economy! No but seriously; compared to the other Guild award shows (Producers, Screenactors, Directors), the Guild acknowledges that writing is one industry that isn’t entirely based out of Los Angeles. New York is there too!

This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a hierarchy between the two shows. Behold, the difference between the opening numbers of the Writers Guild East and West Awards Shows, 2011.

EAST

Ok. I love Kristen Schaal so much that it’s pretty clear that this is the better opening. Schaal has become more and more mainstream lately, which pleases me because that means she won’t have to drink 40s for dinner anymore.* She makes a few excellent cracks, explaining that “non-racists like myself like to call” Black Swan just Swan. The East awards show is clearly the black sheep of the two. It’s in some random theater and these videos have pretty poor production quality. But it’s cool, because New York is just too cool for all that, we’re still better and don’t care and will just go back to spilling coffee all over ourselves and chain smoking.

WEST

Unsurprisingly, Hollywood pulled out all the stops for this one. The video practically sparkles as Eric Stonestreet and Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family break out in a tongue-in-cheek dance to the tune of “Make ‘Em Laugh” from Singin’ in the Rain about being gay, because we all love the gays, or at least Hollywood does. As to be expected, this audience seems super uninterested and unmoved by Stonestreet and Tyler Ferguson’s generally funny and devoted performance. Maybe because it’s LA and they’re sick of actors and this is supposed to be THEIR NIGHT DAMMIT.

But let’s remember, in case we’ve already forgotten: it’s all about the writers. Who are so neurotic and weird that they can’t even properly laugh at jokes they probably wrote for themselves.

*I’ve probably mentioned this before, but this story really sticks with me and is so endearing. In 2009, Schaal told New York Magazine the tale of when she first got to New York:

“I was so broke I’d have a slice of pizza for lunch, and I would drink 40s for dinner to fill me up. My roommate and I experimented with all different kinds of 40s. There was this terrible one called Green Lightning that was almost hallucinogenic. I still keep one unopened can of Crazy Horse on a shelf in my apartment, just to represent that time. I said, I’m going to drink this Crazy Horse when I’m 60 on the French Riviera, topless, and crack it open with the ocean running up my thigh!”

If that’s not the coolest girl alive, I don’t know who is.

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