Editor’s Note: For personal reasons, and for reasons like Ijustdon’tgiveafuckaboutthisparticular”awards”show, Emily has taken over the unlive blog for the People’s Choice Awards 2011, officially the first special of the new year. The usual cast of characters, however, is still present.
8:15 Conor: Sooo…do people like…vote for this?
Emily: I think so…which makes it better? Maybe? Except…I don’t trust people.
8:16 Some announcement of an award for country somethingorother between Taylor Swift and some other people at which point we have a 10 minute argument about whether Rascal Flatts is well known or not. I acknowledge that they are (he is?) I just haven’t heard of them (him?) and that this is all because I’m a New England elitist.
8:17 Taylor Swift wins something! Almost side boob, uh oh…argument about whether or not she’s a freak in the sack. Jessie says yes, Conor and I say no.
8:20 Taye Diggs and Kate Walsh would have pretty babies. He will have pretty babies. Can I have his babies. Or at least practice. Kate Walsh explains to us, “Comedies are humorous.”
8:25 Since when does Selena Gomez sing? I told Jessie that she is dating Justin Bieber. Croutons were spit up. She does look pretty, but kind of like a slightly older version of Toddlers in Tiaras.
Queen Latifah looks good (Jessie: Do you call her Queen, like “Hey Queen, what’s up”? Well, from now on we will!)
8:33 Elton John is a dad, too! Sweet!
8:40 Zac Efron…terrible haircut. Gross. But who cares, because NPH won for best actor in comedy and he won one in 1990 for Doogie Howser! (Kate: What goes around comes around!) He thanked his partner (“better half”) and his kids (Gideon and Harper?) and it was a lot of shriek-worthy cuteness.
Kate: Shiny, shiny suit to match his shiny, shiny hair.
8:42 Jane Lynch for best actress in comedy…the gays are taking over. She says, “Laura I love you baby!” Jessie: “AHA Gay shoutouts I can do one tooooo!
8:50 Favorite Viral Video (this is a category? Clearly I am unclear about what this people’s choice thing is…) goes to the little boy who cried when his dad told him he couldn’t be a single lady. Cutest multicultural family ever.
Kate: This video depressed me. That is all.
8:52 Best actress in a drama gets stolen right out from under my Juliana Margulies. Oh well, I’m a new found fan of Lisa Edelstein’s since I found her wikipedia page. For some reason, she’s listing nicknames or something, like hers, which is inexplicably Cuddlestein? Losing points, Lisa E.
8:56 Johnny Depp wins Favorite Movie Actor. Jessie points out that what they’re streaming behind him as he accepts is about 8 JDepp movies ago, since nobody saw The Tourist.
9:00 Katy Perry is advertising her tits…I mean..the Grammy’s. Well, both.
9:02 Kardashians front row. Khloe is so tall. With the bedhead and the towel-y dress she’s rocking the shuffle-to-the-bathroom-post-sex thing. Queen is pretty much making fun of them to their faces.
Kate: CANNOT GET ENOUGH. They are a sickness.
9:06 Zac Efron winning Favorite Movie Star Under 25. He says, “When you’re young it’s.. like, like a roller coaster, you know, so many twists and turns, you know?”. We know, Zac, we know.
9:16 Favorite Guilty Pleasure? Kardashians — shocking! Three strapless dresses, six giant boobs, giant hair. Khloe: “We have the best job ever!” I’m sorry… what? Jessie would like to be in charge of nominating this particular People’s Choice Award.
9:18 Lila Garrity! I mean…what’s her name? The one who dates Derek Jeter.
Kate: Minka Kelly is her name!!!The sexiest woman alive! I don’t even believe that, ask Esquire, okay wait, I totally believe that.
I was just saying that I was ready for a performance. It is Kid Rock. Careful what you wish for, goddammit.
9:29 Some girl with crazy bangs I don’t is wearing a NOH8 dress! What with all the samesex shoutouts this is the most progressive awards show ever.
9:30 S%&* My Dad Says wins for Favorite New Comedy. How is that possible? Do people who vote on this actually know who William Shatner is?
9:31 Oooh, new dress on Queen; turquoise silk ombre halter, jewel crusted straps. My favorite of the night.
Kate: Wait, is she hosting this thing? How did I miss this?
9:33 Stephen Moyer tells us that “Leading ladies are not just pretty faces anymore” before Malin Ackerman interrupts with “But these ladies are still prettty hot.” Good, thanks Malin…I was pretty worried we might have nominated some fugs.
9:37 We just learned that Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are no longer an item. This makes all of our earlier speculations about their sex life moot. Or, as Jessie points out, it probably means that she didn’t put out and he was like “Um, I’m 30, fuck this.”
9:45 Queen is chatting with Kristen Stewart RPattz etc. in the front row and then pauses to turn to the guy to their left to say “And who the hell are you that you get to sit up front with vampires?”
Kate: Note this amazing headline.
WHAT ARE THE LENGTHS?! I want to know.
9:47 Julie Bowen aka Claire Dunphy is doing that look she does behind Phil’s back when he’s been an ass on Modern Family (Kate: This one?), except that she’s on stage in front of thousands of people. Favorite female artist goes to… Katy Perry…man…I wanted Pink to win, if only for the generation of kids she introduced to the Rosie the Riveter look.
Jesus…Katy Perry is on stage holding her statues at breast-level “I’ve got two! These are so heavy, I wish you could feel them!” (Kate: This is a family show!) She does not thank Russell Brand. Hmm…trouble in bearded elephant-riding paradise?
9:55 Saving the big guns for last: Natalie Portman (pregnant! yay!) and Ashton Kutcher present Favorite Movie of the Year: Toy Story 3, Iron Man 2, Alice in Wonderland, Inception, Twilight: Eclipse. Please let it not be oh crap of course it is…Twilight wins. That’s what happens when you leave it in the hands of the people, people.
[Photos via Getty]