NYMag: So your husband, Tim Burton … actually, not your husband. How do you refer to Tim: your life partner, significant other, boyfriend? Helena Bonham Carter: I don’t know; I haven’t got a satisfactory word! Father of my bastards, perhaps?
I always liked “life partner” best. Because then I could be a life coach and have a life partner and everything would reference that I am, in fact, living my life, which sometimes we need reminder of. For those times: Live Your Life — T.I. feat. Rihanna
There are few days in the year when my family literally fights over the newspaper. The competition is toughest on Thanksgiving day, when we plan the route for Black Friday, comparing the doorbusters and making sure we have the opening hours correct. These days its mostly all talk, however, as most of my family can’t be bothered to wake up at what has become a truly ridiculous hour for what is really a low-grade war zone. In the good old days, my parents would lay a map out on the kitchen table, and label the stores with the opening hours and the goals in each. But then some woman tried to run my mother over with a cart and as she lay there, sprawled on the floor, while savages climbed the toy aisles eventually dominoe-ing the aisles, she decided it wasn’t worth the great deals.
Me, with my great deals.
In any case, my younger sister and I arrived at the mall just before 9 am. We meant to get up at 4 for the opening, but we overslept. Anyways, there were no parking spaces, so we engaged in the polite searching method also known as stalking people. The polite ones point to their cars and sort of walk you to them. The rude ones cut through different lanes to throw you off their scent. We found polite ones. And then we found Gap – 50% off your entire purchase before 10 am (the line was twice around the store and everyone looked pissed, plus the entire store was already trashed), and Banana Republic – 40% off your entire purchase til noon. Macy’s had about 30 people in every line, and they have a lot of registers. The mall got some business back; I helped. I finished all my Christmas shopping, and there were carolers! Another happy holiday.
A Night of A Thousand Fantasies: Get ready to use the word sexy far more than you ever should. I have a prediction: There will be lots of young hot bodies. I want some old hags.
9:01 I’m starting this post-live blog off wondering if it is even relevant to watch the actual show anymore because we’ve seen all these pictures so much earlier (the actual fashion show aired weeks ago). But the show is interesting because it’s much more a performance than normal fashion shows and just gets crazier every year. Perhaps because they can’t depend on actually getting supermodels because they’ve all gotten old or pregnant.
9:03 Gerard Butler looks manically pleased. Perhaps because in the behind-the-scenes look at the models, they’ve all started just praising how hot they all are. Soft-core lesbian porn has begun.
9:04 One of the models says “I feel stressed,” while smiling endlessly. You look it.
9:05 We’ve just been informed that Lily goes out with Kings of Leon frontman Caleb. So? (Note: This will come up again later. It apparently is relavent news, so sorry for jumping the gun on that one).
9:06 Erin: “It’s like girl time. It’s like chilling with your girls all day.”
KATY PERRY TIME 9:07 Nice boobs Katy. She starts off with “Firework”, though there are no exploding breasts. Maybe it’s all these models, but her legs actually look like a normal sized womans. If this were a casting call, I’d say she looks “healthy.”
9:08 Legit just a shot of her boobs. Sea anemone on the side.
These close-up shots remind me that she uses Proactiv, which has not yet taken advantage of this situation and advertised in the commercials, and that she has an excellent make-up artist. M.C. reminds me that she is actually a blonde IRL.
9:09 Estelle nods seriously in the front row while secretly thinking “Why wasn’t it meeeee.”
9:10 These tuxedoed dancing folks are interesting. I guess we can’t see too much skin in one show.
9:15 Candice: “You can almost hear peoples hearts beating faster.” She sounds like a robot.
9:16 We’ve entered the slow part of the evening. And is that Jewel I hear? Too bad she’s not doing some spoken word live performances of some of her poems.
9:18 Let’s keep cutting to the grinning men in the audience. Are they better than the emotionless ones?
9:20 I’m saying it..I dont get Karolina Kurkova. SUE ME.
Alessandra: I guess I’m a naughty angel.
For some reason, Behati looks like Brooke’s mom from One Tree Hill, Daphne Zuniga. But when she was young and in that John Cusack movie that is always on TV, The Sure Thing. I’m not going to post side-by-side photos because it’s really more in the smile and I can’t find the likeness that fits but just TRUST ME.
9:21 And it’s time to work out! Some sort of gymnastics team performs a routine to Lady Gaga. M.C. begins a fun game of what sport each girl is supposed to be playing or representing or vaguely related to.
9:22 M.C.: Lacrosse — this is definitely playing to a certain demographic. And this photo is probably going to be in my brothers dorm room.
9:24 My fave.
M.C.: I love how they pick the only vaguely Eastern European one.
M.C.: How do they let the sexual predator be at the Victoria’s Secret show?
9:30 Lily: When you think about Victoria’s Secret, the first thing you think about is the wings.
No Lily. The first thing I think about is undergarments. The second thing I think about is boobs.
Also: “I fantasize more about the wings than I ever would about my wedding.”
9:32 AKON and angels.
9:33 Oo I like the glitter on the wings as they sweep across the floor. I want a glitter floor.
9:34 Adrian Grenier and Malin Ackerman? Are they a thing?
9:35 Pretty wizard night cloak.
9:36 Some of these outfits are just not flattering, especially when walking. Glinda the Good Witch here is a perfect example.
Commercial for CBS News at 10: Dead People Riding the CTA?
9:43 Ooooo it’s a Lion King rip-off, because thats what every television special ever on TV does these days.
Alessandra’s skin is glittery. I wonder if that’s natural. I would watch Twilight more seriously if they glittered but weren’t cold and had lovingly bronzed skin like hers. Though I don’t know if we need any more people to take Twilight seriously.
9:44 Serengeti! Peacocks! Any animal that seems ethnic!
9:45 Oo dancing ninja men in skirts. Maasai necklace and arm plates.
9:46 Is it because they’re all styled the same that its like a blur of watching the same thing walk down the runway?
Emily: It’s amazing that for a reasonably ethnically diverse group (for modeling anyway) they all look remarkably alike.
One mind folks, one mind.
9:47 Voiceover: Stagehands, begin the shift into PINK. (Cue screams).
9:51 TEENAGE DREAM. Approp. Katy Perry is doing way better than she did at the AMAs.
Emily: Why does her skirt open where her crotch is? I will say…her boobs are pretty insane
9:53 Segue to “Hot and Cold.” This makes me wonder, as I have before, why it is ok to say bitch and not other words on TV?
“California Gurls.” Not featuring Snoop. Tears.
9:55 Chanel Iman has a bubble machine! I’m jeal.
Katy Perry has looked afraid of those stairs the whole time.
9:56 Cut to Maroon 5, aka Adam Levine and some other dudes, in the audience.
There have apparently been 34 models. I would have said 5.
9:57 Cut to Blondie, looking like she’s not having it in the audience.
Voiceover: They’re having a ball out there! They don’t want to go, they don’t want to go!
Emily: This announcer dude = sketchville. How do you think you get that gig?
9:58 Tyson Beckford is in the audience! Smile away, good sir.
Glinda the Good Witch is back! let the woman change for godsakes.
Did Kings of Leon like fucking sponsor this shit? Excuse my french, as my mother would say, but they are all over this place, apparently because one of them is banging this model. They are not Seal and Heidi Klum, ok?
That’s all folks. Tune in next year for more blatant holiday product placement. I’ll leave you with one legitimately pretty outfit that I would totally go back to doing ballet for.
And, since I’m a sucker for behind the scenes stuff, check out how they make all that cool stuff you’ll never wear: