Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

People’s Sexiest Man Not Alive Is Normal Looking

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So I’m channel surfing last night, made even harder by the fact that the Guide seems to not being working on the remote control, and none of the roommates knows what’s up, and it’s not because its an HD channel and dear god is this technology making us any happier, really?, and what comes up but what appears to be a gift from God: A show, narrated by Kim Kardashian, about how they picked People’s sexiest man of 2010. And at that moment, all other choices just melt away and I am just riveted to my seat. To give you a taste of what’s to come: the show, entitled 25 Years of Sexy: PEOPLE magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, was on ABC at 10 ET. Why the late hour? Because the witching hour is for when content is about to get HOT.

The Scientific Process of Picking The Sexiest Man
In case you were wondering, they use a very advanced process which involves sitting in a room, looking at photos of hot famous men, and writing their names in lists on a white board. On how they pick that one photo that graces the cover, managing editor of the magazine Larry Hackett says, “At that moment of conception, the body needs to reach out and say ‘That’s it!'”

In case that didn’t make any sense to you, Kim Kardashian tells us that the sexiest man alive must be the “delicious nexus between art and sex.” This show is the most in-depth look at what is sexy I have really ever witnessed. Next, we get to talk to some “real” women (real must always be in quotes, because famous isn’t). They say that “sexy is energy, and personality”…and oh wait, also every other adjective possible — vulnerable, but masculine. No contradictions in this lot at all. They also bring on a real live anthropologist to tell us about people and how they are made.

The Has-Beens Who Were Once Hotter
We’re then introduced to Lisa Rinna, who is married to Harry Hamlin, the winner for 1987, who says that it’s commitment that’s attractive, not initial vibes: “It’s that twinkle, ten years later.” This is confusing, because he was voted sexiest man of 1987, yet he was not committed to People’s entire viewership. This leads me to believe that perhaps everyone should have their own personal sexiest man alive list. Mine would look something like this (in no particular order):

1) Guy I saw on the subway that one time who was the most attractive person I have seen in real life.
2) John Mayer, my spirit animal, despite and because of the fact that he has a weird sense of humor and everyone seems to hate him now.
3) Ryan Gosling.
4) Christian Bale, who I like more because he seems to have an anger management issue.
5) Every man who has ever not be remotely interested in me and therefore becomes exponentially more appealing.

Anyway, back to Lisa. She, and many others, are interviewed by some dude who looks vaguely familiar, and does not seem at all weirded out by the fact that he is talking about what it means to be beautiful despite the fact that he bears a close resemblance to Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter (HP 7.5 FRIDAY!)

Patti Stanger Keeps It Real, As Per The Usual
We then get to talk to my favorite person in the world, Patti Stanger, whose show The Millionaire Matchmaker is plugged about a thousand times, as it should be. She tells us that “Women are just as shallow as men when it comes to looks”, which, looking at my sexiest man alive list, is true. Here are some more fun facts:

Did you know she has 30,000 women waiting for her millionaires? How then, in every episode, is she screaming at the goth couple she works with and that stupid intern over how few decent women there are for her millionaires, none of whom she likes very much?
Also, “Women fall in love between their ears: They want a little money, a little power, and a hot factor.” I don’t know how looks and being wealthy and powerful can all be determined through the magic of hearing, but there you go. The last time I looked at the Fortune 500 list, there were photos and earnings listed, and I learned all of that with my eyes.

Bring Up Dead Beautiful People To Bring On The Tears
ABC then tugs at our heartstrings by interviewing Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze’s widow. It’s not enough they had to bring us their joint interview with Barbara Walters, now they need to tell us that the couple did “a little dirty dancing at home too”? Also, “There was something inside of him that was pure gold.”

“Real” People Can Look Good Too
Next, we’re introduced to some of the “real” men that have made the sexiest men list, which, let me tell you, is slightly sad as some of them are not looking so good. But, did you know women like a man in a uniform? Doesn’t even have to be military — FedEx will do. In fact, the exact line is: “When we come back…do you go gaga for a man in uniform? This FedEx guy knows how to deliver.” This is like a bad porn. Or just porn.

Some Other Hot Randos Who Are Sort-of Famous
Of these dudes, one of whom is a designer I’ve never heard of, and the other is Rocco Dispirito who seems like a poor woman’s naked chef, Kim says, “And from food to fashion, there are the men that make us look good. And really, what’s sexier than that?”
I don’t know Kim. I really don’t.

The Big Kahuna: Ryan Reynolds Is Your Sexiest Man
This is probably the most enjoyable part of the program, because Ryan gives us some great lines like “My body in it’s natural state is virtually a mirror image of Dick Van Dyke,” while Peter Pettigrew just drools over him and makes him give us sexyfaces. There’s also a bit about a “love affair about which Ryan is more forthcoming” — the one with his dog, who is a rescue lab. I felt my heart grow two sizes that day.

And Finally, More Science
ABC and People travel all the way to the University of Aberdeen in Scotland to the Face Research Lab, where they take this fancy photoshop machine and do some magic mashups of all the sexiest men of all 25 years which are then mathematically calculated and statistically balanced and what do you get?

A guy who looks looks totally handsome but is utterly nondescript because let’s face it, you don’t know him, so he can’t be very sexy to you, can he?

People’s 25th Annual Sexiest Man Alive issue hits stands tomorrow. Buy one for your grandma. Or don’t because as far as I can tell, it’s going to be a lot of this:

UPDATE: For an uncensored and hilarious look at some real sexy men, check out my friend Katy’s tumblr, Men I Would Fuck.

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