Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

Lin-Manuel Miranda Was Not Enough To Save Vows

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There are still more hopelessly awful couples, back at it again! This time, it’s a Rockefeller. And we’re going to play a game called, if this VOWS was a Rom-Com, which one would it be?

BATTLE: Runaway Bride vs. The Notebook

1. “It was supposed to be only a summer romance.”
Uh oh! DARK FORESHADOWING. Also, I’m feeling influences of The Notebook.

2. “But like characters in a Nicholas Sparks romance novel, their courtship was complicated.”
Complicated enough for A Walk To Remember-style courtship, where leukemia is involved? Or complicated like The Notebook, where family gets in the way? Or that one about old people, Nights in Rodanthe, where I have no idea what happens because the combined efforts of Richard Gere and Diane Lane, with a cameo by James Franco, were not enough get me to the theater…

3. “She took note of his six-foot athletic frame, but what most intrigued her was the weight of his words.”
Let’s be real: He was a hottie, she wanted him.

4. “‘He wanted to make something of himself,’ she said, contrasting his aspirations with those of men she’d met who ‘just want to live off their parents’ trust funds.'”
Oh, so it is like The Notebook. Sigh. Why can’t we all just get along? Because then there wouldn’t be a love story about boys and girls from different sides of the tracks who just want to be together people!

5. “’He’d try to hold my hand in movies and things like that, and I’d skillfully get out of it,’ she said.”
Okay, actually good call. Hand-holding is gross. Hand-squeezing during Scream is totally okay though.

6. “He also learned how easily she could flee when she abruptly departed college, and the continent, to live in northern Brazil, where she volunteered at an elementary school, run by a nonprofit organization there. ‘I’m a Gemini,’ Ms. Rockefeller said. ‘I love to change things up.'”
Translation: I’m flaky and expect people to cater to my every whim! Also I believe in astrology!

7. “Days of swimming in the ocean followed nights of stargazing in each other’s arms. ‘I was having the time of my life,’ she said.”
Stargazing? “Like in Grease, when Sandy says they stayed out until 10 o’clock, but Danny says that they made out under the dock?

8. “‘I freaked out,’ she said. She also relocated to a surfers’ shack in Hawaii.”
She found another hottie who wanted less commitment but an equal amount of “stargazing.”

9. “He was determined to win her back, and he decided the way to do that was to improve himself…He set out to be that person, crossing tasks off his ‘to do’ list, including continuing his education at New York University and volunteering with Habitat for Humanity.”
While she was off in Hawaii, doing god knows who. Note part of The Notebook where Ryan Gosling is slaving away over the house he must build to prove his love for Rachel McAdams, but she’s off getting engaged to someone else (James Marsden, who for a number of years played only the guy who gets gilted).

10. “But then the old doubts of losing her independence crept in…In February, she informed Mr. Bucklin that she was moving to Los Angeles. ‘I wasn’t quite sure if she wanted to run away from me, or just wanted to feel chased,’ he said. A chase is what she got when he followed her to L.A.”
No, I’ve changed my mind…this is Runaway Bride. She’s always on the lam!

11. ‘He keeps me grounded,’ she said, ‘and I keep him on his toes.’
Julia Roberts would say, “I’m turning in my running shoes.” But she’s Julia Roberts. So she gets away with that.

VERDICT: TIE. The groom’s tendency to stalk the bride, and the bride’s UP-upper-class background make this one part The Notebook. But the constant peacing out when anything gets good…yup, that’s definitely Runaway Bride. Add a dash of a musical number with some lyrics full of double entendres… and you’ve got your new movie: The True Story of Ariana Rockefeller and Matthew Bucklin, may they live happily ever after.

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