Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things

Sometimes…

It Can’t Hurt to Ask…

Tags: , , ,

Lauren’s excellent blog post (referenced in the social network map post) reminded me of this blog I recently started reading and the host of questions that flare up at the intersection where gender, entitlement, courtesy and propriety collide. On the Daily Asker, the blogger, inspired by the book Women Don’t Ask, went on a year-long mission to discover the power and pitfalls of asking for things. Every day for a year she asked for something that she would not normally have asked for, a favor, a discount, a free sample, etc, and documented the results. Over 70% of the time, she got what she wanted.

Inspired by the blog, and the radical idea that the worst thing that happens is I get told “no,” I asked for a first time customer discount at a new hair salon. I told them that I was excited to try their salon, and had read great reviews, but the cost slightly exceeded my price point.¬† I was told they had never done that before, but hey, why not. I saved myself $45. Who would have thought!

Describing the blog–>inspiration–>asking–>salon success story to my friend Jessie, I was struck by her secondary reaction (the first being, of course, props on my cheap hair cut.) Her second reaction was along the lines of “be careful not to become one of those pushy, demand-y people that customer service workers hate.” I second her sentiment completely (I’ve worked food service and retail, and I hate those people), but I do wonder if I would ever get that reaction from a male friend. On the Daily Asker’s list of 88 things she learned is this one-two punch:

26. Don’t worry about exploiting the other side by asking. He or she can decline.
27. But remember there are cases where you have more power, status or income, and the other side feels compelled to comply.

I love this sequence of observations¬† because I think that women, in general, worry a lot more about the imposition of asking and the feelings of the “askee” than men (vast generalization, I know)*. For example, if I ask a salesperson for a discount, I might make that salesperson uncomfortable by putting them in the position of having to say no. Is their potential discomfort my responsibility? Should I not ask because of that potential? Do men recognize that potential as much as women? If they do, do they proceed more often because they believe their need/desire/request trumps the askee’s discomfort? If they don’t, what broader implication does that have on social interactions across gender lines (or other relationships fraught with power dynamics?)

*Sara (a Texan) pointed out that the willing-to-ask factor is also tremendously different from region to region. A conversation for another day.

Tags: , , ,

3 Responses to “It Can’t Hurt to Ask…”


  1. Lauren
    on Aug 12th, 2010
    @ 4:47 am

    I made Kate pretty uncomfortable out shopping one day, when I insisted on asking for a student discount everywhere we went. (Fyi – J.Crew and Banana Republic do, 15% and 10% respectively). And I think that the act of asking itself doesn’t cause discomfort – its the tone and the means of interaction. When asked as a fair and level-headed question, rather than the aggressive-accusatory-tone or the please-give-me-what-I-want-I’m-so-sweet, asking is one of the best ways to learn of new opportunities and to generally improve your experience in precisely the way you’d like it improved.


  2. In the meantime… | rosiesaysblog
    on Dec 23rd, 2010
    @ 9:42 am

    […] Asking for things, or not asking for things […]


  3. Morning Mika | rosiesaysblog
    on May 7th, 2011
    @ 11:39 am

    […] the act of “asking” an empowering thing, and when does it become pushy and entitled? A guest post I wrote on Smart Girls, Stupid […]

Leave a Reply

 

© 2009 Smart Girls Who Do Stupid Things. All Rights Reserved.

This blog is powered by Wordpress and Magatheme by Bryan Helmig.